Which Box?

EE

2010-12-08T15:32:00.002-05:00

I have another gmail account, a personal one that I've started using regularly, and so I stay signed into gmail all the time. To post here (or to comment), I have to re-sign in with my Which Box account, which is why I haven't done any posting or commenting, though I am still reading and thinking of the friends of Which Box.

I've found myself in near tears several times yesterday and today, and it's because of the passing of Elizabeth Edwards. She was many things to many people, and certainly by all acounts a very special woman. My kinship with her was of course over surviving infidelity. I have hated those political commentators who reduced it all to simple terms - why didn't she-? why did she-? When did she know and what did she know and how did she know and why didn't she know and this and that and blather blather blather. The simple truth is this: No one outside of the two people in a relationship can profess to know the details of that relationship. And even then, all too often the two people don't have the same understanding, either.

I have been trying to think of what I might write, and I saw Tash had a post up and went there first, and once again I am reduced to tears. Please read it, if you haven't already. I was a very active blogger in 2007, so I don't know how I missed the original post, and I am sorry I did.

Elizabeth Edwards was a remarkable human being. The world is poorer for this loss.

oh.....hello

2010-08-05T16:24:00.004-04:00

Well. It's been a while. Don't mind me, just puttering around here, doing a little tidying, picking up. When you leave unexpectedly, there's always a lot left undone.

I didn't intend to be gone so long. But when you go away, and stay away, it gets harder and harder to come back. I read everyone regularly for a long while, but then that slowed. Now I make the rounds every two weeks or so, leaving no comments. So I've missed a lot, and I'm sorry I haven't commented. I have grieved, and rejoiced, with you all. I have. The blogsphere has continued without me - marriages, pregnancies, babies, losses. New blogs, goodbyes. It all continues.

Me? Thanks for asking. I've had my ups and downs.

I was feeling a little sad and unsettled earlier this week and couldn't figure out why. My anniversary is Saturday, but upon reflection, that wasn't bothering me. I was surprised, though, that I had to remember that today, August 5, is a Date. A Milestone. Don't misunderstand me - I have the most perfect 20 month old son, and I a grateful for him every day. I love him with all my heart and he is a joy. And he would not be here if his older brother had been born three years ago today, or more likely a few days later. And I rarely think of him, or the pregnancy, and he's never talked about. And that is, for the most part, ok. But that doesn't mean that I don't miss him, or what might have been in another lifetime or parallel universe. That is not my universe, and that is mostly ok. Not entirely ok, but given all I have today, it.....well. It is what it is. It's my past, and even though it is not my present, or my future, it is there. So unsettled, this week, should not surprise me, but yet it managed to sneak up on me.

I don't know if I am back. But I needed, today, to open the windows and let some air in and get the musty smell out. I'll close it back up, slightly more carefully this time, and consider what happens to this space.

Take care.

a different sort of loss

2010-04-07T16:45:00.003-04:00

So, shaken from my blahs by a bit of bad news. My daughter's best friend lives a few houses down. She is adopted, with two father (a gay couple).

I know that about 18 months ago, this couple tried to adopt another baby, but it fell through. No specifics. We haven't been too close with this family. We each have nannies, and the nannies are great friends, so our children play together. And we've been friendly with the other parents, but we each have our own lives and friends and it's only been in the past year or so - as weekend playdates and dance class and birthday parties and things have developed - that we've gotten to know them.

They have been excitedly preparing to adopt another baby for the past few months. It all seemed on track. The single mother had another child, became pregnant, and decided the adoption route because she wanted to go back to school and move on with her life. She is older, nearly 30, and seemed very set and mature in her decision, with a supportive family. There was lots of communication with my neighbors, the intended adoptive parents. It seemed good.

The neighbors had been kept in the loop as the due date drew near. The neighbors, including their 4 year old daughter, flew out for the birth on Sunday. They - including again the 4 year old - spent two days in the hospital with the baby and the birth mother and all was fine.

And today, they went to pick up the baby as everyone was discharged from the hospital. This is the separation point. The birth mother goes home, the adoptive parents take the baby to the hotel, a few more days of paperwork processing and they were heading home on the weekend.

The birth mother decided to keep the baby. She refused to meet with the intended adoptive parents. And that's it. That's all there is. A sucker punch to the gut.

Just got an e-mail from one of the dads, who asked that we explain this to our daughter before they get home tomorrow. He forwarded the explanatory e-mail the other dad wrote, which had a few details and asked everyone for understanding as they worked through this tough time.

I quickly wrote back how sorry I was, that I had no words, that we hoped they had safe and easy travels home.

And now what?

I don't think this will have much impact on our daughter. The family across the street just adopted a toddler from overseas, so we have been talking adoption - both the new friend and the new baby to be - but it's been a pretty abstract concept. My daughter, just this weekend, asked about another friend with two dads (this is urban living) and why there was no mommy.

One reason why we haven't made much connection with our neighbors is that they definitely socialize primarily with other gay couples, just as we mostly socialize with other hetero couples. (like with like kind of thing, we have no issues with them, and they have no issues with us).

I feel like I am navigating the shoals of infertility and baby loss from a completely different angle. This is baby loss - they knew this baby as their child for two days. I bet they named this baby. They have a car seat and a nursery set up at home. They expected to bring home a baby. They've lost another adoption. They are biologically infertile as a couple.

They are us, the collective us.

Any thoughts on what you would do for them, say to them, interact with them? I'd imagine they'd like to lay low for a bit. I don't want to gloss over, nor do I want to presume a closer relationship than we have. I don't want ot make it about me, but I keep thinking about writing them a note that says how hard it can be to make a family, that we get that. Do I bring them over a cake, banaa bread, a bottle of wine? Invite them to dinner? Offer to have their daughter over more to give them some time together? Send a card? Write a note? I don't want to say anything stupid - anyone done the gay equivalent of what not to say to someone who's just experienced baby loss? Nor do I want to pretend it never happened. I'd never, for example, hug either of them - we aren't that close. But I do see them so often. I think some sort of gift and a note that says we're so sorry for their loss and are thinking of them. Any thoughts?

Blah

2010-03-17T16:34:00.002-04:00

Blah, blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah. blahblahblah blah. blahblah blah blah! blahblahblahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahblahblah? blahblah blahblah blahblahblah blahblahblah! blahblahblah blahblahblah, blahblah blah, blahblahblah blahblahblah blahblahblah blahblahblah blah.

blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah.

Yeah. That's all I got. Don't know why, actually have ideas for writing, but a bad case of the blahs has got me sort of reading, some of the time, but not really. Not stopping blogging, I don't think, but I need a break.

Also! I must e-mail Dora, but I have been carrying the (to me, at least) creepy ten plagues puppets around in my bag, and I WILL get them in the mail this weekend to make Passover. But that's about the only promise I'll make.

What's new in your world? How do you shake the blahs?

from the what the hell files

2010-02-24T10:12:00.006-05:00

So the other day I was wandering through Bed Bath and Buy More Stuff when my eye hit upon...finger puppets? For Passover? Depicting the plagues? What the -?

Do people want their children to play with depictions of the plagues? Boils? Locusts? Darkness? Blood? And yes, the death of the first born?

Is this weird and creepy, or am I really ignorant of other's cultural practices? Who buys this?

ETA: Ok, wow. Who knew? Sadly, BB&BMS does not sell them online. My store must be lucky. You can buy them at the Jewish Store for $14, OyToys (great name) for $17.99, or, heck, a bunch of places for prices ranging from $14-$20. You can also buy a box set of toys for each of the plagues from Amazon, though why the first born plague is a nine piece puzzle is not clear. I, uh, had no idea. Although my catholic lenten sacrifice was to stop buying stuff, I have an idea for a giveaway. I'll happily mail one set of puppets to the first person who e-mails me (address at right). A better contest (from someone who receives more comments than I do) would be tell me what plagues you, or something along those lines, but I'll tell you, ever since I was a child, as a first born, the first-born thing - the whole reason for "pass-over" - has really, really scared me. I stay away from plagues.

thawing

2010-02-23T17:20:00.004-05:00

First, thanks for sticking with me in my fits and starts. I have about 50 million posts in my head (ok 4 definite ones all thought out) and just no umph to get them out.

Second, NO, my recent bout of minor stomach virus resulted in NO weight loss. Must hope for more vriulent strain next time, I suppose.

So relations with my in-laws continue to thaw. My husband calls there once every ten days or so, and his mother reaches out to him, too, calling or e-mailing or texting about the same.

For Valentine's Day, she sent a huge gift box. My daughter got a goody bag of candy, two fancy spring dresses from Laura Ashley, and an outfit from Gymboree. My son got the same goody bag, two play outfits from Carters, and an outfit from Gymboree.

My mom sent cards to both, with stickers and a $5 bill.

My parents are very thrifty, very frugal, and enjoying their retirement on their own terms. I never worry about their future. His parents are spendthrifts, have declared bankruptcy, have a full mortgaged house, regularly spend more than they take in, vacation in the Caribbean, bought a timeshare, rely upon a pension, eat out frequently, and purchase lavish gifts. Who will take care of them once the money eventually runs out?

So I grew up living within my means, only buying what I could afford (which meant after money was put away for rainy days and future desires). And these gifts kill me. I love shiny new things are much as anyone. I love the dresses and outfits for my daughter. I used to enjoy receiving gifts from them myself. But I know the true costs of those gifts. Not what they cost today, but what they'll cost in the future, either in terms of expectations or family fights once they run out of money and require their children to take care of them. I don't want to pay either price. I don't want my kids to eyeroll at my parent's frugality and prefer big boxes from their other grandparents. I want them to understand value, not cost. I want them not to be swayed by shiny and new.

I think I just have to trust that values will win out. I also have to accept that they will develop their own relationships with each set of grandparents, and that's a good thing.

Just wondering

2010-02-12T12:54:00.002-05:00

Is it wrong of me to hope a recent bout of a very minor (thank the lord) stomach virus has left me a few pounds lighter? Been snowed in, cold and stomach virus going through the household, and saw a mouse in the kitchen yesterday. Awesome.

I'll be back. Eventually.

a definite double standard

2010-02-01T15:49:00.003-05:00

I realized something after I hit publish on the last post. I dismiss those media accounts of Elizabeth Edwards possibly not being a very nice person. I do pause when I think of her defending him when she knew of the affair but he was still running for President, though I think that charade was also part of her denial/fear/worry/dread/victimhood (still lied to by Edwards)/anger of discovering the affair and not wanting it to be true, wanting to minimize its impact, to save what was her dream, too, of a happy marriage and high public office. In short, she gets a pass. I respect her and empathize to a certain extent with some of her pain, and know I've never experienced the extent of pain she has. And I think the accounts of her behavior are exaggerated, mostly reported anonymously, and written through a prism of politics, not real life.

But the other woman? Those exact same media accounts that call EE a shrew and harpy (namely the Game Change book as well as the one by the repellent aid of Edwards) describe the other woman as pretty much a kook. And I have totally accepted that as obvious fact. Clearly she's a kook, a hanger-on, brazen, shameless, a desperate Other Woman.

I suppose the good news is we'll never know, will we? (Until, god help us, she writes her own book and sits down for her tell all with whomever. Now that I think about it, the fact that she hasn't sought publicity probably means something - still getting paid off? hopeful of reuniting with Edwards?)

I'm done with this story, I really am, but I was surprised to realize the logical gap in my interpretation of this situation.

So, yeah.

2010-01-28T11:30:00.002-05:00

John Edwards. Ugh. I won't link anyplace because it's everyplace. And it just gets uglier and uglier. He's out of politics now (and forever, I don't think you come back from this), so this poking and prodding is just for gossip purposes now.

I was watching GMA this morning and Cokie made the point that painting Elizabeth as a harpy shrew was pretty damn unfair. What do we expect? She has cancer, for god's sake, and her husband is having this sordid affair. Hell yeah, lady, get angry. I know if I were her I would have been afraid, too (I know there are all these timing issues, what she knew when and how that coincided with cancer and recurrence). But overall - you're sick, you might die soon, you have young children - and your husband is off with some kook. I would have been hysterical, thinking about my kids caught up in this and what their future would hold. Ugh.

At least he's getting public judgement. There's one public figure I despise with a passion, and not (just) because of his politics (disclosure for new-er readers: pretty unabashed liberal here). Newt Gingrich divorced one of his wives while she was fighting breast cancer.

I used to, before 2007 and my husband's affair, be afraid I would get sick, really sick, and he would leave. That's how I saw it happening (poor naive me). There are some men, for whatever reasons of upbringing and temperament, who simply cannot deal with hard things - with not being the center of attention, with having to take care of someone else and not, therefore, being taken care of themselves. We have better tools now and a better understanding of ourselves, but I have no illusions.

Back to the bigger issue: People are people. Those with a national spotlight are no less human than anyone else. Should we be surprised at their humantity? Should we expect more from them? I think we should expect them to be flawed humans, but hopefully, as with all of us, doing the best they can.

two sides

2010-01-27T10:21:00.003-05:00

I've always been fascinated how two people can view the exact same thing completely differently. Your world viewpoint comes from so much - your background, your life experiences, your place in the world.

The best example of this in my life is our house. We live in the middle of a city, in a historic rowhouse built in 1914. It's big enough - 20 feet wide by 40 feet deep, with big high ceilings, original woodwork, built in china cabinets with original glass work, gorgeous hardwood floors. And the downsides of a older house - original drafty windows, small closets, old wiring and plumbing. It has good lines, as they say, and a classic feel, though not as elaborate as some truly grand turn of the century places. Over time, we've slowly been restoring bits and pieces (like stripping one stinking coat of ugly paint from the beam and coffered dining room ceiling!) and built up the attic into an office and switched the layout on the second floor to build an extra bathroom. But there remains much work to be done, though we've hit a standstill these past couple of years with small children and no real extra money (the two may be linked somewhat).

My husband and I both like the feel of older houses, there's something stately and distinguished about the grandeur that's different from modern suburbs with their atrium foyers and huge exapanses. (Though how I would love a redone kitchen!)

But the two persepctives: I look around and I think, of all our friends, we have a grand house indeed. Many of our friends live in condos or smaller places, or the small houses in the close in suburbs. We also have friends who live in the giant new, shiny places in the true suburbs, but there's no appeal for me (though the space! the closets! the shiny-ness! OK, there's some appeal.). I look at our house, a work in progress, and I am proud of it and sometimes even feel slightly embarassed by all we have compared to others.

My husband was raised in the burbs, and with his family, status was everything. He looks at our house compared to his friends (mostly the ones in the burbs) and is slightly embarassed by how much it lacks and how much it needs, and how even if we did everything, it would still not quite measure up (no yard, not enough space).

Same house. Two people who have poured a lot of heart and soul and cash into it. Two perspectives.

Anything in your life that you see so differently?

contrasts

2010-01-21T17:06:00.005-05:00

I've always considered myself a study in contrasts. A little of this, AND a little of this. X, but also Y. You might consider this, but then again on the other hand that.

And so it goes when it comes to beauty. I went to a traditional women's college, one that wasn't quite as feminist empowering as I've always imagined Smith, say, or Wellesley, maybe, to be. While there, I grew my fingernails long-ish and painted them regularly.

Then I was accepted, for graduate school, to a large state university in the deep south with a huge football program and plenty of greek life and very definite ideas on femininity and the door was literally but not figuratively always, always held open for me. But I was accepted into a science program, hardcore physics / math / chemistry / bio-geo-chemistry sort of work, male dominated, where you had to fight to be heard and taken seriously. I showed up the first day in my neat t-shirt tucked into clean pressed shorts (a look I thought said serious student), long hair, long fingernails, and my beloved Tretorns (remember those?) and my professor took one look at me and I swear sighed a little sigh. Everyone else (professors included) wore ripped cutoff shorts and ragged t-shirts and birkenstocks and the other women certainly didn't give a fig about hair or makeup. It was serious, fieldwork science, strap on your work boots and get out in the dirty field and collect and process samples and then go out and do it all over again. Who had time for painted fingernails? I kept doing it, for a while, because I found it relaxing and I liked the dichotomy of long hot pink nails and hard core field science, but eventually I stopped because I knew people didn't take me seriously, and sometimes image is everything and perception is reality.

And then I got an office job where we just looked at other people's science and thought about what it meant and I kept my fingernails bare because I wasn't really an office person I was a field scientists and hard core, dammit. But then I realized I wasn't ever going to be a scientist in the field ever again and it was kinda fun to paint nails, so went back to it on and off, but kept my nails short. And then I worked for a non profit advocacy environmental organization and you better believe there was no nail painting, but then I started pedicures because that could be something fun for me and no one else had to see it and I could still be taken seriously as an environmentalist and still have fun painting my toes (or, the ultimate luxury of having someone else paint my toes!).

Through all this, I've never worn much makeup, and almost none at all now since the goopy eye incident of 2008. (Which never really resolved, despite new makeup - since that day, makeup makes my eyes itchy. Who knows.)

I have a small stash of polish, which my 4 year old discovered and loves. Loves, loves loves. I painted one of her hands blue and the other pink last night, and she could not wait to get to school and show her friends, all of whom also had painted nails.

You wouldn't think a person could write so much about nail painting, would you? Except I saw a beauty story in a magazine and became fascinated with a color I saw and googled it and would you believe there are (a large number of) blogs devoted to nail polish? I had no idea. And that's only what came up on page one of google for one color. Who knew this? Seriously, over here we have the infertility community, and over there the food people, let's not forget the political blogs of all types, and the mommy bloggers and then there's the illness bloggers, and then fashion, and over there - the nail polish bloggers. The internet is a fabulous, fabulous place. What in the world did we ever do for info before the internet? I'll tell you we didn't type that much, that much I know, cause if my nails get more than a quarter of an inch past my fingers I suddenly can't type well at all.

I've always been mostly a deep rich ruby or pink or plummy kind of gal, though anything goes on the toes. But I've seen a lot of darker colors lately, especially on short nails. So today I stopped by a salon and picked up this dark green color and when I was on a conference call I put on a base coat and then two coats of color and though it's been a while didn't do too bad of a job, if I do say so myself.

I couldn't quite get the proper nail blog pose right, but had to show off. OPI Here Today Aragon Tomorrow, from their spanish line fall 2009.

It was fun to paint my nails. I'm considering doing it more regularly, though I still have these weird feelings that painting my nails says something about me that I don't want said. At least out loud. So my question of the day, do you paint (or have someone else paint) yours? Do you wonder if you have painted nails that you won't be taken as seriously? Or is this just something I worry about?

eta: I know the answer is do whatever makes you happy and why in the world did you write too many words about this? I know that, and I'll do that. I do wonder, though, if anyone else wonders about the image they project, and if being too, hmm, "feminine" for want of a better word, means they aren't taken seriously as professionals or intellectuals or whatever elite term you'd prefer to use. Would you wear polish (mod, dark polish? pale pink only?) to a job interview? Is there a benefit or a detriment to being feminine in a man's world? What do you think?

screaming inside

2010-01-20T22:01:00.003-05:00

How many ways to beat a dead horse? I thought I was done bitching about the 'shower' aka present shakedown, but just received an e-mail from the to-be dad.

Hi everyone. It was great seeing all of you at our shower. Pictures will be forthcoming. Thank you to those who provided gifts for baby [last name]. For those that still might be sending gifts (other than gift cards), please be sure to send to N's work, not our home address. (Luckily I stayed home today so was able to receive a couple shipments.) Cheers, N&N

Seriously, the instructions continue. It's like a primer on all things completely unacceptable in a shower.

AND, I don't think I loaned my Maya wrap. I think it ended up being a total gift. Gaaahhh. I should have kept my mouth shut and sold it on the secondary market for $25!

I need to let it go. Given geography, won't see them for a long time. Back to regular programming tomorrow. I have to shake this so-called shower off!

it was cheaper than hosting

2010-01-19T14:03:00.002-05:00

My mantra when thinking about this shower: it was cheaper than if we had hosted. Was it a $40 restaurant experience? Um, no. But they really are dear friends, so I decided I had to let go of the annoyance.

Even when the 'hostess' walked around and demanded, have you paid yet? Did I get cash from you?

Grrrr.

They came over the morning of the 'shower' to spend some one on one time with us. The husband blatantly asked for hand me downs. In a moment of sentimental weakness, I gave them my Maya wrap, which I never got the hang of using and bought cheaply off craigs list. What can I say, I'm a sucker and a softie, at times.

She's having another shower in their new city. I hope it's less of a mercenary transaction.

petty

2010-01-14T16:00:00.002-05:00

Here is a gripe about a baby shower. I'm not emily post-esque, nor do baby showers thrill me or fill me with despair. But we're going to a shower this weekend and it's making me tense. Back story - one of our couple friends moved last year, a thousand miles away. The male half is very outgoing and constantly organizing dinners and parties and outings, so when they moved, we lost some connection to going out. Not that, now with two kids, we're all that social, but it's always nice to be invited places and on the nights we do decide to eat out, have friends we can call and say meet us at wherever, or come over and watch whatever sporting event. So they move and now the wife is pregnant. She is from Pakistan, but very secular. But she has no family in the US. The shower is for them. The guy is a pretty practical, pragmatic guy. So the baby shower is turning out to be a pragmatic way for them to get gifts and it is just grating on me.

The good thing is our friend wants to get together with the large group of friends he left behind. And the wife is pregnant, so a combined party/co-ed baby shower seems smart, right? But many of his friends are younger and the ones who volunteered to host don't have a large enough place, so at first the shower was going to be at someone parent's house. But the parents have a very nice place and don't like kids, so people couldn't bring kids, to a weekend afternoon party. Difficult. So now they've decided to move to a restaurant. And they are charging people to attend - not much, $15-20/adult.

Every other day there is some e-mail message with more details, all written by the husband, our friend. Since they're flying, don't bring big gifts to the shower. They didn't finish the registery, so you can buy things from whatever the store is and have it shipped to their home. They aren't finding out the sex, so please nothing pink or blue. Please don't forget gift receipts if you do bring a gift. Etc.

I scream a little scream with every e-mail. Logically, this all makes sense. They've moved a thousand miles away, we'll see them once a year at best, so this is a great way to see them both, and they get to see our kids. We love them and want to get them something for the baby. She doesn't have family or close friends here so a co-ed shower/party means we'll see them and a lot of other people. It's great we don't have to worry about babysitters. A restaurant is expensive, so everyone chipping in makes sense. But somehow it is just reduced to such a mercenary transaction, you know? I really just wish we had offered to host, honestly. But 40 people is a bit of a stretch for our very small place, and these other people had stepped forward and put these plans in motion before we ever even learned they were coming to town. So tell me, how petty am I, or would this bother you?

pop roundup

2010-01-12T09:56:00.002-05:00

A few disparate threads from the world swirling around in my head.

So this new political book is being released today, Game Change, and it's caused a storm in the political blogosphere. Some Sarah Palin stuff on 60 Minutes, the Harry Reid explosion, and a lengthy (8,000 word) excerpt in NY Mag. The excerpt isn't what you'd expect - Palin or Biden or Clinton or Obama, even. It's the chapter on the implosion of John Edwards' campaign, called Saint Elizabeth and the Ego Monster. I liked John Edwards a lot, and of course adored Elizabeth. This excerpt isn't easy to read, and honestly partially makes me feel even more naive for believing in them. Although, who knows anymore, maybe I've bought too totally into the PR image, but I do think it's unfair to Elizabeth. It's too glib, painting her as a shrew and bitch and their marriage as completely dysfunctional before anything ever happened with his kook mistress. Real lives are more complicated than what staffers see, or reporters or analysts piece together in hindsight. What's clear is two real lives that are messy and extraordinarily complicated.
--
Desperate Housewives fans? I read someplace last year that Mark Cherry, the creator and head of the show, wanted to cover the loss of a child in one of the housewives' stories, and that's playing out now. I've always resisted the conventional wisdom thinking that Felicity Huffman was the best actress on the show, far above the others. Her character was too self-righteous, too strident, too something. This season, at 45, loving her career, 4 kids nearly raised, she found herself pregnant, with twins. And quite ambivalent about it. Ridiculous storyline of plane crashing into a street party found her, 6 months pregnant, diving to the ground to save the life of another child on the street. All seemed fine, until she clutched at her belly and was rushed to surgery, only to wake and learn one of the twins had died. The one people are talking about is the episode where she imagined what her life would be like if the twin survived surgery and was born with a host of unspecified issues. It was good. Last week's show, though, is the one that left me in tears. She's carrying on, seemingly fine, by burying her grief and looking forward. Her husband confronts her, says we never talk about it. And she says, what are we supposed to talk about? How we'll look at our one baby and always see the one that isn't here? It's powerful stuff, hard to watch. But so far, done very, very well, and mercifully, in short, small doses.
--
Anyone watch Good Morning America today? I saw a few promos for a story on another surrogacy-gone-wrong tale (not the one I've seen discussed yet), but decided most emphatically NOT to watch it. But pointing it out in case anyone else wants to go look it up. The thing that really caught my attention though? The promos said something like, 'millions of people rely upon surrogacy to build a family....' Really? Millions? What sort of sketchy math is going on over at ABC? I'm sure it's just a matter of time before this story makes its way over to Private Practice.

And speaking of my least favorite Private Practice, I've got the last three episodes on my DVR. Meh.

Anything capturing your attention these days?

grief and time

2010-01-07T16:05:00.002-05:00

I've been on a bit of a bloggy break lately, which seems to be the norm for me, so not sure I can call it 'breaks' anymore. I actually have a ton of things bookmarked and ideas for various posts. So here's one catch up.

The day after Christmas, CLC posted a thoughtful musing about life and loss - and life long loss. And what defines you. I'm a categorizer. I used to keep lists of the worst things that happened to me, or the worst things one of my someday-to-be-blogged about exes said to me, and so on - on the positive side, too.

Here in blog-land, it's not the loss nor the infertility that defines me, it's the subsequent marriage collapse. In real life, neither define me to anyone, really. I used to think the most defining thing about me was my hometown, having been raised in a classic small town of less than 3000 people. And when my parents moved away when I was in college, away from lifelong friends and family, and I lost that permanence, that anchor, I thought that defined me. My mom's sister, who was extremely important to me, died from breast cancer in 1997, and that's marked me in many ways - including my daughter's name. Losing my life-defining job in 2004 was a shock, and it might sound odd but I still grieve. My marriage and its ups and downs makes the list. My pregnancy loss is my secret mark. Like CLC, I can't even type potential losses too terrible to contemplate.

Around the same time, I ran across this blog post about that lifetime accumulation of losses and summed it up:

One of the lies we always tell ourselves is that the pain will go away with time, that we'll get over it, that time heals all wounds, and it's not true. Every loss is forever raw, and we can feel it all again with just a thought or a reminder, like a Christmas phone call to the family. The older you get, the more of these moments of grief you accumulate, and they never leave you.

Does loss define you? In real life or in blog life? How many moments of grief have you accumulated?

fine

2009-12-30T21:41:00.002-05:00

Well, I survived. It was.....fine. That's the best word I can come up with, I think.

Non confrontational people are perfectly fine to spend time with, as it happens. Because there aren't any, you know, confrontations.

So after two years, we show up at the kids place, everyone hugs (! yes! Hugs! Even me!), says hi, and....that's it. We have a perfectly normal day hanging out. Weird.

I thought there was some coolness directed my way, but it wasn't too obvious.

What happens next? Who the hell knows. At one point when we were briefly alone, my sister in law leaned over to me and said, she's heavily medicated these days, it'll be fine.

I guess the trick will be keeping them at a reasonable distance and not getting sucked into expectations for future obligations.

I did fail in my one goal. I had decided my goal was to call my inlaws something. After ten years of marriage, plus 3, nearly 4 years before that, my in-laws still expect me to call them Mr and Mrs. So yesterday I decided I was gonig to walk up to them and say, Betty, FRank, nice to see you again.

I chickened out. Got by 4 hours without calling them anything. Fail. Maybe next time.

What do you call your inlaws?

doomsday Wednesday

2009-12-29T16:29:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow: the in-laws.

Yep, you read that correctly. And believe me, I'm not happy.

My husband took the dog's passing hard. As did the in-laws. At one point, my mother in law e-mailed that she would call except she was crying too hard. (pu-leeeze). Losing our little dog before Christmas sort of seems to have crystallized losing his family for my husband, is all I can figure.

We had been tentatively making plans to get together with his brother, brother's wife, and 5 year old in this week between Christmas and New Years - meeting in an inbetween city at a children's museum, which we have done before. My husband has been setting this up with his brother, and yesterday turns to me and says, what do you think if others are there. Others? Yeah, my parents. And probably my sister. As as aside, my - I don't know - disgust? rage? wearied annoyance? has lately been focused on this sister of his. I'm sick of all of them, of course. Seriously, my little guy is one year old, and there's been more crying over the dog than missing a full year of the little guy's life. And the sister? The last time we heard anything from her was the shrieking cursing phone call as I was being prepped for c-section. And now she's just going to be there at this family get together?

Bleah. I hate this. Knew it was coming, wish there was a way to prevent it. I feel like I'm just facing the inevitable, though, with no way out. Don't go, and I leave my kids in their clutches. Don't go, and feed into more drama. Go, and suck it up.

ending

2009-12-21T10:50:00.002-05:00

We had to put our dog down on Friday. It was horrible, absolutely horrible. It was just on Tuesday that we learned she had cancer, after nearly 2 months of being frustrated by what had been diagnosed as a UTI that wasn't responding to antibiotics.

This dog picked me back in 1997. My husband and I had been dating for about 18 months at that point. So our little westie mix had been there through nearly it all. As a rescue dog, she'd been through a lot in her life prior to us, and it would actually do a disservice to her strong, more than slightly warped personality to pretend she had been a perfect dog. She was as flawed as we are, but at her core, sweet and loving. You might look at her and think fluffy dog, but she was tough, and strong, and determined, and fierce. She could tackle tough trails in rocky areas with the agility of a mountain goat - this was no fluffy dog.

Living in a big urban area, we have the best resources available to us - three pet hospitals fully staffed with top specialists. Our regular vet practice had been working on the UTI issue, and finally said it clearly wasn't a UTI and referred us to a specialist at a bigger vet hospital. That practice spent an entire day (yeah, the $$ added up quickly) figuring it out. We couldn't make any decisions without information. On Tuesday, they prescribed an anti-inflammatory and said it would either help a bit and buy us some time, or it wouldn't, and it likely wouldn't. And that vet called us every day to assess how things were going. Unfortunately, that vet wasn't working Friday, and by the afternoon we decided to take her to the hospital closer to our house, the one I had originally used. We needed more info - our dear little dog was hanging on, but by the slenderest of threads, and we needed to have her examined to make any decisions.

And that vet did an exam and ultrasound, and came back to our holding room and said, this sucks. Yes, she is alert and responsive and relatively happy. And, she will stay that way, until her extremely swollen bladder bursts, and she is in terrible pain. We were seeking the middle ground - the point when you know it's time. This particular form of cancer offers no middle ground - a moderately uncomfortable but fairly OK dog, or one who is in terrible pain. No gradual decline, no point where it was clearly time, until it was beyond clearly time. And, after we asked, the vet said if it was her dog, the time was now. We didn't want to have the regret of putting her through agony, so the decision was made. And it was extremely peaceful, and it was the right decision, and it was hard. The sedative caused her to burrow into our arms, and the final mixture took only a second or two to act.

And we miss her terribly.

another thing

2009-12-15T22:17:00.002-05:00

Well, my sinus infection is slowly clearing, thank goodness.

But now we're turning attention to another member of the family - the dog. I've had our little westie mix, rescued from the pound, since 1997. She's always been a handful - a rough life before us left some scars that have shaped her personality. But she's been a good, sweet dog, too.

She's been having troubling urinating for a good while now, and was diagnosed with a UTI that wasn't responding to antibiotics, but today found out it's aggressive cancer, with no treatment. So we're looking at days, maybe weeks. I'm trying to think of a way to wrap this up with a profound thought, but I'm drained today. We've told the four-year old that our dog is very old and very sick, and that she had a good life with us but that she will die soon. I think that's all we can do. Any words of wisdom?

a break

2009-12-13T22:28:00.002-05:00

Just checking in after a little bit of a needed break. Yes, sick again. Still. Endlessly.

Let's recap - came down with a nasty cold Halloween weekend, totally lost my voice, gained terrible cough. Three doctors and perfectly clear lungs and airways, but a cough that sounded like I'd been a smoker for 50 years and was in the final stages of lung disease. Complete with the little hack at the end of the racking cough to clear out the throat (One of my grandfathers smoked - I sounded just like him and wondered if I should start carrying a handkerchief to wipe my mouth like he did.) It was bad. The last doctor prescribed a zpac, just in case, which normally I hate but this time I was desperate. And I felt sicker after the zpac, and my nose got into the act. Last weekend was awful, and by Monday and Tuesday I felt like someone was trying to drive stakes through my head and out my eyeballs, so Tuesday I saw yet another doctor, who heard something rattling around in my lungs, but wasn't too worried, but gave me a prescription for a ten day round of antibiotics for the evil sinus infection.

Usually when I get a sinus infection, I get the antibiotics, take the first pill, and feel immediate relief. Well, it's Sunday, day 6 of this round, and I am still congested and still coughing, though finally I can see health on the horizon. I AM getting better. Just slowly.

Due to the blinding glare of the computer screen, I've barely been online, and it was kinda nice. But I'm ready to re-engage. And write slightly more interesting posts than the history of my sinuses. I promise.

Tiger

2009-12-04T10:26:00.002-05:00

You'd think I'd have a lot of thoughts about Tiger. And I guess I sort of do, but mostly I don't. And I think that's a good sign, actually. Famous cheating spouses no longer are no more like knives to the gut. (though John Edwards you're still majorly on my shit list).

You never really know what happens between two people. What arrangements they've made, what deals they've struck, what blind eyes are turned. His wife does seem to have been surprised, maybe, to have lashed out the way it seems. And for that, I have quite a bit of empathy for her. Others have said it far better than me, and I won't link around because it's everywhere, but Tiger's image has been burnished to the point we all thought he was squeaky clean. Maybe a bit of a perfectionist temper, but otherwise clean and wholesome goody two shoes. I absolutely do think differently of him. Not just that it's clear he's as human as the rest of us. But also, I do think we need a bit more shame for when people are exposed - he isn't an honorable person. He isn't a decent family man. He is not the man he projected himself to be. He is far, far less.

What do you think of Tiger these days?

no card

2009-12-01T13:25:00.002-05:00

Well, I just sorta gave up on NaBloPoMo, didn't I? I don't know what happened - just got on vacation and the bedtime routines were disrupted and I was (am) still sick with this lingering cold and so tired, and there just never seemed to be time. So no posting. Oh well. I'll catch up.

So we got home after a long day of driving on Sunday. My typical task is to go through the mail, so after little guy was down and the car mostly unpacked I went through it all. And interestingly enough, no marker of the little guy's birthday. There had been no calls or messages on the day itself, not ever from my husband's brother.

My husband saw my rifling through the stack of catalogs and said, yep, nothing. I asked, you checked? And he said yeah, went through it twice to be sure. Nothing.

I'm dreading heading into the holidays. We have no plans for Christmas - no way we are driving again to my parents, where my sister is going, and my brother is headed to his in-laws. So it's just us. We actually get kind of bored with just us, I hate to say it. I successfully avoided the inlaws pre-THanksgiving. I hope their silence has pissed off my husband so we avoid them this Christmas, too, but I doubt that'll happen. Hmmm.

Already

2009-11-24T22:01:00.001-05:00

Hard to believe it's been a whole year.

Happy birthday to my sweet little man.

Done and done

2009-11-20T22:17:00.003-05:00

Two big work projects finished successfully. Whew. Though tons of wrap up to do, of course.

But hitting the road. It took 50 miles, but it suddenly occurred to me this trip was paralleling the one I took two years ago, my daughter
and me without my husband for thanksgiving.

More on this when I can type on a computer, not pecking it out on my phone.

few random things

2009-11-19T16:50:00.002-05:00

My friend from yesterday, whose sister suffered pregnancy loss at 38 weeks, wrote me back and said she thought Glow In The The Woods was amazing, so I'm glad I sent it to her. She said the doctors were doing an autopsy, and that her sister was mostly angry right now - she was a high risk pregnancy for some other medical reasons and was monitored very carefully, but as we all know things can turn so quickly. I am so glad this resource exists. It truly is invaluable.

My first work event went off very well. The second is tomorrow morning, and immediately after we are hitting the road for Thanksgiving, headed to my parents for a long week away.

And I still am coughing! This all started right at Halloween, so I am on day 19 of a really bad cough. Am so hoping some time away, with no work, will clear things up.

new member

2009-11-18T17:25:00.003-05:00

I got an e-mail a few hours ago from a dear friend. She has two sisters, both pregnant. Sister 1 was due in two weeks, sister 2 December 30. Sister 1 went to regular check up yesterday, and the baby was dead. She was induced, and delivered 12 hours later.

My friend sent this to a group of her friends, letting us know, saying that she wanted to share to have some support.

I wanted to reply immediately, but paused. I wanted to type the right thing, and I wanted to offer resources. But I didn't want to say I know this great! group! of babyloss mamas! and you should check out this blog and that blog and etc etc etc. Because I do not want her to stumble across WhichBox. Selfish! But I also do think you have to come to this organically, in many ways. Find what speaks to you. In the end I did suggest Glow in the Woods. I think my friend gets it. My heart goes out to them all.

What would you suggest?

what a week

2009-11-17T21:25:00.003-05:00

I keep thinking about doing a backdated post for yesterday jsut to stick with NaBloPoMo, but I don't even have the motivation for that. This cough is taking it all out of me. That, plus the fact that I've hit well over 120 hours of work the month of November for my 80 hour per month job. Oh, boohoo, poor me, complaining about working a full schedule. I've grown soft. I used to power through hours like a champ. But not anymore. Just not my priority. But, this is the week my two big projects are complete. two days down, three to go. And then we head out of town for Thanksgiving. And I'm not doing a lick of work while away.

2009-11-15T21:59:00.001-05:00

24 hours and 8 spam comments! So frigging annoying.

we interrupt for a bloggy question

2009-11-14T15:09:00.003-05:00

OK, I need bloggy guidance of a technical sort. A past post, from November 2008, is continually receiving comments from spam. I have this set to send me e-mails when I get a comment, so I know what's going on. If not for that feature, I'd have no idea this post was attracting so much spam. I keep going in and deleting it, and then 2 more messages show up overnight.

Why one post from Nov 08? Is this a precursor to the entire blog being spammed? Should I worry? Do I just ignore, and keep deleting as I have time? Is there a way to stop this? Wait, hmm, you can close coments on specific posts, right? I should probably do that? On all old posts? Can I do it on specific ones? Oh ye of more experience - help!

not asking

2009-11-13T21:04:00.002-05:00

So, the story of my sister is long and easy to get caught in the details. The bottom line is for thr past 4 years she's lived with her roommate, who is a women's college soccer coach at a very small university. My sister teaches at a private Catholic middle school. It's taken a while, but for the past year or so my brother and I have been speculating that her roommate is more than merely a roommate. We started out 50/50. There was a lot of evidence on both sides. But over time we've all pretty much moved to yeah, most likely.

I tihnk in a normal family you might ask. She's my sister. We're supposedly close. Since this has come up, though, I've found myself being more distant with her. It's harder to talk to her. Is she actively hiding something central to her life? Is she not? In my family, though, you don't ask. I can't even imagine asking.

My husband actually decided he would ask my mom over the summer. My mom said she didn't know, and preferred just to not think about it. Denials runs deep in this family.

Does it matter? Well, it does matter - it matters that she feels she must keep this hidden from her family. How would you feel if a close relative was closeted? Have you ever had someone come out to you?

i got nothing

2009-11-12T22:35:00.002-05:00

NaBloPo Mo is kicking my ass. I have topics I want to cover (my sister: a lesbian or just friends?), I have thoughts, but I got nothing on a daily basis.

So what you got? What's interesting out there in the blogosphere these days?

Just fine

2009-11-11T22:00:00.002-05:00

Well, the pediatrician said my daughter was mostly fine, but that perhaps she's picked up some sort of secondary infection that's extending her illness. Probably a viral infection, so nothing ot be done but get through it.

But, doctor also said - based on my husband's descriptions of all our varying illnesses, that we probably all had H1N1. And, he was quite concerned for me, since my husband said I wasn't getting better and I was a nursing mother.

I am getting better. My husband is a wee bit of a hypochondriac. Last Monday I lost my voice completely for three days, but it's growing stronger every day. Still hoarse, and I'm still coughing a lot, but I'm definitely better. Last Thursday and Friday my throat hurt so much I had trouble swallowing, but I had a strep test and it was clean. I feel fine now - tired, but that could be because my son gets up at 6 am these days.

I think this doctor was showing an exaggerated level of concern. I've had the flu twice in the past 15 years. When you have the flu, you know it. You are flat on your back exhausted and bone deep weary from the slightest exertion. You have a fever. I had none of those things and mostly worked through it all, except for the no voice part.

But now I'm aggravated. With the pediatrician's certainty, maybe we did have a mild case of the swine flu? How to know? So are we done with it and I can stop wishing we'd all get better so we could get vaccinated? If my husband is a wee bit of a hyponchondriac, I'm the flip - it's fine, I'm fine, she's fine, we're all fine, no need to go to the doctor, we'll be fine.

How do you feel about the docotr? About the flu vaccine?

annoyed

2009-11-10T16:11:00.002-05:00

There are times my husband just annoys me, and this afternoon is one of them. So we've all been sick, and my mother-in-law got wind of it. Her email relayed to my husband that our niece, husband's brother's daughter, has pneumonia. My SIL took her to the doctor and heard just a bad cold. My MIL took her to the doctor two days later and got the pneumonia diagnosis. Now I'm sure my SIL just couldn't take her the 2nd time, but of course my MIL's sense of self importance makes her the savior of the story, the only competent childcare giver in the family. So her offer was to come help us. After all, she was a dental hygenist.

I think - I know - my husband just wants to be a son again, in some ways. It's nice to live by family and when you're sick have family come over and help out. I get that. But the strings attached - it's too much.

Anyway, I'm annoyed because through all this, my husband has become convinced my daughter is not getting and better (she is) and needs to go to the doctor. So they're off - I am busy with work, she's going to miss her little dance class with her friends, and she is getting better.

Now I'm in this pickle. I know she is fine. I hope she is fine. As then I can be smug about my superior medical skills.

hmmm

2009-11-09T21:54:00.002-05:00

So my husband exchanged an e-mail with his mom, but no discussion about the coming weekend, and we've not discussed further. Kinda hoping this fades away in the busyness of life. Fingers crossed.

uh oh

2009-11-08T22:31:00.004-05:00

So, I was kinda cursing NaBloPoMo and wondering what the heck I was going to post tonight, when my husband gave me a topic.

Kids in bed, we're cleaning up kitchen, and he says, just want to float something by you. Haven't done anything, but want to get your reaction.

Uh oh.

He says, how about if we get together with my parents this coming weekend? Try to meet up halfway in between? (they are 2 hours away)

Dum dum dum.

Uh, why? Is the immediate question. He says he's just sick of the cards and the passive aggressive e-mails after the cards and this just isn't working and maybe we just need to try something else. Plus, she heard we were all sick and sent a nice e-mail offering to come down and help out.

I want to scream hell no, but instead I say, I have a hard time seeing how this would play out.

He says he knows I've been worried that our traveling to my parents for Thanksgiving will just piss them off.

I say yes, but what I mean is that I fear it'll just ratchet up the crazy again. Otherwise, I don't care, and I only care about the crazy because not dealing with them is really working for me. And honestly? If we do this, then we're just in it all again, and there's Christmas, and expectations, and we're right back into having to go up there all the time and her getting mad when we don't follow her desires completely.

He agrees, but says he just can't take where we are with them anymore.

UGH. So now I am thinking about it.

Hell, I know what I think.

doctor visit

2009-11-07T21:13:00.002-05:00

Finally headed to a doctor today, only to get confirmation it was only a cold. I had thought so, then my throat started hurting, so better to check.

The thing is, with 4 pregnancies in 5 years, 2 children, plus 27 months of breastfeeding, I haven't seen anyone but my OB, the RE, or the nurse practitioner/lactation consultant at the pediatrician, in a long time. Anything I needed, the OB could cover, including two rounds of antibiotics with my daughter (bronchitis in the beginning, sinus infection near the end).

So, found a 24-hour clinic near my home, they took insurance, they had appointments, and I was in and out in no time with a negative strep test and perfectly clear lungs. And so I am off to bed to try to catch up on some rest and hoping it does all just clear up soon.

And you know what? It was weird to go into the doctor, see someone, and walk out. I had to fill out the patient history form and I tensed halfway through thinking there'd be the how many pregnancies/how many children question, but it wasn't there. I was just a patient with a cold.

work tears

2009-11-06T13:18:00.003-05:00

So, I burst into tears today at work. Awesome. Back story: I work remotely for a company based far away. I'm organizing an event with one of the head guys. I'm also organizing an event the very same week with THE head guy. Let's call them Top Dog and Nearly Top Dog. These two have not entirely been getting along lately, and the Top Dog called me last week furious I had done something Nearly Top Dog wanted me to do. We worked it out. Yesterday, I did something for Nearly Top Dog's event that Top Dog wanted me to do - and was something I thought was a good idea and should be done and maybe Nearly Top Dog wouldn't like it but tough. So Nearly Top Dog calls me this morning and lets me have it. I apologize, I weave around, I explain, I invoke Top Dog - but Nearly Top Dog was having none of it. Why? he keeps asking me, why would you do that without asking me? (Because I knew you'd shortsightedly say no and it's the right thing to do and I'm empowered to make these decisions, jerk, is the technically correct answer.) So finally I say, I...I...I....I can't talk to you right now (obviously crying) and hang up.

My initial thought was good, maybe he'll feel bad he made me cry. But then I really did start to cry. I'm sick and yet working hard on these two events and these two jokers had been putting me in the middle for weeks of whatever it was that was going on between them and Wah!!!!!

So after I calm down I think, great, now what. I need to call Nearly Top Dog back and apologize for hanging up and (hoping he feels bad) just agree to move past this. Before I can, Nearly Top Dog calls. He apologizes, I apologize, he tells me there's been a lot going on in the office, tensions are high, leadership of the office is in question, etc, but that he and Top Dog had a big clearing the air meeting yesterday and things were back on track and obviously I had gotten caught in the middle. So we're all good. (and it is all good - I do love this job, and I love it exactly because it is challenging.)

But back to my first reaction when I hung up. It was definitely good, I hope he feels badly that I am crying. I've worked for some powerful women in my day - one of whom told me never, ever cry. Another of whom said, a good cry, strategically played, is a powerful tool in a working woman's arsenal. I think I've absorbed lesson #2. What do you think of crying in the workplace? Verboten? Or, when used wisely and not too often, a good strategic move?

The creme

2009-11-05T15:13:00.003-05:00

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2009

I was just reading the instructions for the Creme de la Creme list 2009 style. I've never participated, but, well, why not? So I'll go through my archives and see if anything jumps out at me.

Or maybe I'll try extra hard to write something meaningful this month of blog posting. Today is not that day, however. I don't know what I've got, but it is terrible. And lingering. Last week I was blah and lethargic and felt like I had a slight cold. Over the weekend, it turned into full blown cold, plus cough. Sunday and Monday were horrible. And when the baby is sick, too....well, let's just say the get plenty of rest thing is, well, not exactly happening. Every day I think I must be getting better, but every day is blah. And then yesterday my throat started hurting like crazy. So do I have more than a cold?

Anyway, anything I've written this past year that you think is great? Are you submitting?

My November Guest

2009-11-04T17:05:00.002-05:00

My November Guest

MY Sorrow, when she’s here with me,
Thinks these dark days of autumn rain
Are beautiful as days can be;
She loves the bare, the withered tree;
She walks the sodden pasture lane. 5

Her pleasure will not let me stay.
She talks and I am fain to list:
She’s glad the birds are gone away,
She’s glad her simple worsted gray
Is silver now with clinging mist. 10

The desolate, deserted trees,
The faded earth, the heavy sky,
The beauties she so truly sees,
She thinks I have no eye for these,
And vexes me for reason why. 15

Not yesterday I learned to know
The love of bare November days
Before the coming of the snow,
But it were vain to tell her so,
And they are better for her praise. 20

- Robert Frost, A Boy's Will, 1915

sick

2009-11-03T22:36:00.002-05:00

*cough*cough*cough*

See you tomorrow.

oversharing

2009-11-02T16:30:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I went to a jewelry party, hosted by one of the moms from my daughter's summer co-op, featuring jewelry made by the mom I like. The one that shared with me this summer what a lousy year + she's been having, with cancer, miscarriage, financial troubles, marital troubles, infertility due to the cancer, etc. I told her a little of my troubles, over e-mail, and said I thought life was easier when you were able to share more that life can be really, really tough.

Well, I was there at the end of the party, so for a few minutes we were alone and she again mentioned some of her worries, but said she thoght it was finally getting better. And I sympathized with her, and said it was so hard when you're in the shitstorm to see a way out of it, but that way would come. She told me our exchange this summer had meant a lot ot her and she was really touched we had connected, and how much she appreciated it. We continued to talk, and her marriage is tough right now, because her husband, who had been the breadwinner, is having a lot trouble finding work (he is a consultant) and money is tight and he is depressed and talks about how much better off she'd be if he left, or even if he died and they had the insurance money. So we talked about husbands and their weaknesses and somehow I ended up saying that what I had not told her was that my marital problems included my husband having an affair. She was shocked, genuinely shocked.

I walked home thinking I had overshared. That it was too much, and we weren't really that good of friends, and it wasn't entirely my secret to share - that I had somehow betrayed my husband's trust by sharing. Women's friendships, right, are built on sharing. And men can spend all day with each other and come away not knowing anything about the other guy's life. But is this too much? Is it my secret to share? If she feels very strongly, she might not want anything to do with my husband, so even though we haven't socialized much, any thought of us getting together is gone?

My husband viciously betrayed my trust 2 years ago. He knows I've shared with friends and knows I've needed the support from friends. He probably does not think I still share. And I rarely do. And I know he thinks it's in the past and done. He does not know how present it sometimes is.

I hate the greeting card industry

2009-11-01T22:52:00.002-05:00

I mean seriously. I was going to do a post about the start of NaBloPoMo and how I was doing it again this year but didn't have as much going on etc etc etc. Last year was the horrible in-laws and then the wonderful birth. The year before was my marriage, and part of my sanity, dissolving before my eyes. We'll see what this year holds, but I'm sure something will turn up. But then my dumb-ass mother in law, the most passive agreesive idiot I know, had to turn up the crazy (albeit only slightly) to kick off the month.

So my husband's birthday was last Monday. No acknowledgement. Later in the week there were two greeting cards in the mail to the two kids, each with a Halloween card, each with $5.

This afternoon, she sends my husband an e-mail. "Did you get the cards? Cause I hate sending money through the mail and jsut wanted to make sure they were received."

Which translates roughly into, 'pay attention to me, it's been too long with no craziness and I can't stand being ignored.'

Husband says to me, if she wants to see her grandkids, she has to do better than did you get the cards. How about I'd like to move forward and resolve our problems and be in my grandchildren's lives again - or at least meet my grandson. Then he snorted and said, my counselor was right: pathological.

I linked to all their/her craziness with greeting cards in this post. Her passive aggressive I'm reaching out ot you because I sent you a card bullshit drives me nuts. That we're the bad guys because we don't acknowledge her cards. Is there anyone on this planet who puts more stock in the greeting card industry than this woman? Garr.

Well, so that was my Sunday. We need to use some back channels to make sure the in-laws know we're off to visit my parents for Thanksgiving, and thus the little guy's first birthday. Which I am sure will only piss her off more, so maybe buys me yet a few more months of not having to deal with her.

blog-iversary

2009-10-23T09:53:00.002-04:00

Two years, and this is my 300th post.

A lot has happened in two years. A hell of a lot. A solid year of either really, really bad or merely mostly bad. An uptick starting about with the arrival of the little guy. A messily defined period of time.

I think often about this marriage self help book I read years ago, where a woman wrote that in recovering from infidelity she had cried every day for two years. But had moved past it. It does hit me at odd times, though much less frequently now. Tuesday was a bad night, once i realized it was the mark of m discovering the e-mails. I had not realized any of the other key dates leading to this time. I see people in my blog cohort (for want of a better word) writing about grief and time. Niobe a very succinct one that said it all (as usual). Make no mistake, what I feel mostly when thinking about my marriage is grief - for what I thought I had, for what I wish I had, for what never really was. Recovering from infidelity - the gift that keeps on giving - is about coming to terms with what is rather than what you thought was.

in-law roundup

2009-10-22T10:07:00.003-04:00

Nothing too new from the in-laws, but it's been a while and a few small things happened over the summer, so thought I'd do a quick recap.

The other night I was sorting stacks of mail. Does anyone else let it pile up for months and then do one big sort? No? Just us? Discovering expired coupons, random detritus, overdue bills....sigh. Hate.

Anyway, at the bottom of the stack, I found the unopened father's day card my inlaws sent to my husband. He had scoffed at it when it came in and tossed it on the pile. These many months later, I decided to open it to see if they had anything to say. Standard issue cheap card, signed simply with their first names: Betty and Frank (not really). No love. No Mom and Dad. Nothing. The lengths these people go to to send a message in store bought greeting cards continues to astound me. And the fact my husband never even opened it and I just saw it 4 months after the fact does nothing but amuse me.

--

We did some driving up north this summer. My husband's uncle lives along the Jersey Turnpike, so we decided to stop off and see them. Remember, it's been nearly two yer since the blow up with my in-laws, and nearly a year since we last spoke with them. The uncle and his wife fixed lunch for us and we had a nice visit, introducing them to the little guy (who's middle name comes from the uncle). People in general do not understand family estrangements.

Uncle: how's your dad.
Husband: well, as I told you ove the phone we haven't really been talking to them. It's been a while.
U: yeah I haven't spoken to him since spring. How's he enjoying retirement? I heard he was busy with some house repairs?
H: uh, not sure.
Aunt: Is your mom still working or has she fully retired?
H: uh, I don't really know, you know I haven't spoken to them in a while.
A: and how are those dogs?
H: uh, they're fine...

Essentially, the aunt and uncle refused to believe we really hadn't spoken with them in 2 years. A family estrangement of that level was just incomprehensible to them. We just played along - when you haven't seen family in a while, there's a lot of vague generalities you can say without saying anything at all.

Until:

A: and what's your sister up to these days?
H: uh...busy, you know...
U: Does she like her condo?
H: What?!
U: yeah, weren't your parents buying her, or wht they put down a downpayment for her to move out and buy a condo?

WTF? So these are the people who declared bankruptcy ten years ago, slightly recovered from that, and are now living off the estate of husband's grandfather. That money is going to be gone in just a few short years. A downpayment for his stupid sister to buy a condo. Jerks.

--

Later in the summer, we met up with husband's brother and family. Nice visit. There was much discussing of said condo. The in-laws are blowing through money like there's no tomorrow - Caribbean vacations, this downpayment, yard work, new windows on the house (the house that is still fully mortgaged, though bought 30 years ago!). They will run out of money. And they will never be able to live just on social security. Father in law has a pension from a solid company, but given this economy? Counting on pensions to last another 20 years is gambling. There's no other retirement money. Brother in law says good thing they signed for that condo, as that's where they'll be living in just a few years.

I spent some time with my sister in law, discussing it all. She said mother in law has moved from bitter angriness to more of sadness. She asks them all the time if they've heard from us. Mther in law is apparently on meds and slightly more stable. I told SIL I was sorry they were dragged into this at all, and she said if it wasn't us it would be someone else. As long as we've known her, she's cycled through hatred of someone - us, my BIL, her sister, her neighbor, her best friend. It really never ends.

I cannot believe my little guy will be one year old soon and they've missed it all. I'm glad they have, but I just cannot believe the craziness. It is incomprehensible, even with all the other bad inlaw stories I've heard.

But for me, it's all just one big relief. And I admitted as much to my sister in law. Look, I feel badly for my husband being estranged from his family, but quite honestly, it makes our busy lives easier. We don't need the drama. And even if there was no drama, just the pressure of visiting them and their demands that we fold our lives around theirs is no fun.

--

I just picked up pics from my daughter's birthday, and will mail them off. (She sent her a savings bond, so I can acknowledge that then, too.) We're headed to my parent's for Thanksgiving and little guy's birthday. So I don't see any time in the near future for any contact. Thank goodness.

I was cleaning out the dining room last week and found the returned box of their Christmas presents from last year, shoved under the china cabinet. I suppose we just re-wrap the gifts and mail them off again?

family secrets

2009-10-16T11:09:00.003-04:00

I have been busy working lately, and am at a conference (intown) this week. A former colleague wants to connect with me for something she has due on Monday, and sent me an e-mail asking if we could possibly talk over the weekend - she doesn't have her kids this weekend.

I swear, that's the saddest sentence to see. I don't have my kids this weekend. All my choices over the past two years have been designed (actively or not) to prevent me from ever having to type that sentence. My marriage isn't perfect, but we are good parents together. And mostly pretty ok together ourselves. It's soon my two year blog-iversary, the marker of two years later, after the affair, after the crap, after putting up with all the crap, after moving to getting past the crap.

From where I sit now, the tradeoffs I've made to stay married, have a second child, be in this relationship, have been worth it. Sometimes the price seems very high, but it's remained a cost that has not been too much to bear.

This latest issue of Brain, Child has an article on the impact of infidelity on families and children. No one really knows, even more so than no one knows how divorce truly impacts kids. So much is anecdotal and depends on the particular circumstances, temperaments, and reactions of the parties involved. But food for thought.

I was struck by a paragraph that talks about not keeping secrets. Will I - we - ever tell our children about our relationship to that level of detail? I don't know. I don't think so. Maybe, perhaps, if a child is going through something similar. But it's still hard to imagine. What do you think? Would you share information like this with your children? Under what circumstances?

spoilers

2009-10-06T11:13:00.002-04:00

So, if your 10 month old isn't sleeping, and you're totally exhausted, you might just fall asleep with your 4 year old and miss an entire night of TV. Which is probably a good thing, and what happened to me last Thursday night. But, we have a DVR, and I work from home and pump breastmilk twice during the day, so I have little windows to watch TV. I watched the first ten minutes of the season premiere of Private Practice. Judging Amy was discovered minutes after the baby had been removed, was rushed to the hospital, and her friends worked frantically to save her. Cause, you know, far better for doctors from private clinics to do surgery on a friend than actual hospital surgeons.

It suddenly occurred to me they were probably going to have to do a hysterectomy, and I already feared the baby was going to die. So when I went back to work, I looked online at Television without pity and read the entire episode recap. And that made it safe to actually watch the episode, because it all ended relatively happily with baby recovered (and recovering from operation from bad c-section that damaged spleen), uterus safe, and Judging Amy recovering. And of course Addison me me me got to work in several times how she was the best damn neonatal surgeon blah blah blah.

However, promos for next week show that Judging Amy is not adjusting well to motherhood. Someone tells her, you haven't left the house in weeks! Well, guess what. Another facet of motherhood the show isn't going to do well. No new mother, and especially not an older, single mother, not to mention one who has been brutally victimized, is going to have an easy time of it. I myself did not leave the house, or shower, or do anything but recover from my c-section and breastfeeding struggles and new baby daze. I distinctly remember my first real get out of the house and go someplace at 4 weeks (I was out walking around to the store and local errands, but not much more than that).

I'm reading a book about getting fit that says step one is get rid of the TV. So I think of Niobe saying she doesn't have time for TV. I don't have time to work out, but I do have time for TV. And I thought about Jo commenting that at least there is a show that has some level of awareness around fertility issues. That's true, I guess I jsut want more. So I'll keep watching. Plus, the promo blurb for the show in two weeks says Addison's affair with Noah catches up to her. Then I'll be more enraged (seriuosly, these days I'm too tired).

There are times with movies I actively try not to know what is going to happen. Saw The Sixth Sense, for example, and had the real pleasure of a shock at the ending. But usually, I like to know. I like to know what is going to happen. I kill time online reading entertainment spoilers. I read movie reviews in the actual paper, no less. But I never, ever skip ahead in books.

What about you? Do you like to know spoilers? In some entertainment, or in all?

tonight

2009-10-01T13:20:00.002-04:00

So I spent all summer thinking about tonight's premiere of Private Practice, and last season's finale.

Do you ever write blog posts in your head? Long, elegant, well-thought-out positions that explain your view of the world? And then they buzz around in your head until they finally make it out or just sort of drift away? Or is that just me? I think I've written and rewritten in my head this post 7 different times, as different thoughts have occurred to me.

I spent some time after the finale reading various pop watch sites, and the general consensus on the baby stealing story was: ewww. Well, not just ewww, but eeek, horrifying, awful, too terrible, not appropriate for TV but for a horror movie type coverage. Not positively reviewed at all. And I've noticed that the producers have taken some of the mystery out of what will happen tonight: pregnant about to be carved up Violet will live. The promos make that clear, the TV guide blurbs state that right away. What's less clear is if the baby lives.

So that brings me to my latest thoughts. Which, quite coincidentally, Tash covered very nicely in Glow in the Woods.

I like Greys Anantomy, even though it is a ridiculous soap opera. I like it because it is a ridiculous soap opera that just happens to be set in a hospital. Who cares of the science and medicine is a little dodgy (the cancer? the FACE transplant?! Please.). I'm not watching for that. But Private Practice? Well, there are precious few places where infertility, baby loss, grief, the whole she-bang are covered in pop culture. Grieving parents, desperate want to be parents - all fodder for a soap opera. And maybe it pisses me off that PP gets it so wrong. They don't even come close to getting it right. And it's quality actors, a quality show, and it's....wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. On so many fronts. A fertility doctor that doesn't even consider the possibility of terminations. A surgeon that would even consider sleeping with a vulnerable patient's husband. A ridiculous mish mash of doctors that don't even seem to work right professionally. All set in a fertility/wellness clinic. In a world where pregnancy, infertility, grief and family building are so misunderstood, can't they get anything right? Any little piece of it?

And then there's this storyline, of a ambivalent mother (a previous victim of a violent rape) being victimized in such a horrifying way. Conscious, telling her attacker how to cut her open to remove the baby safely. It turns my stomach to think of watching it tonight, though the producers have made it clear the show picks up 20 minutes from where it ended - the butchery over, the baby gone, the mother clinging to life. Will they write off this pregnancy by having the baby not survive? My stomach is churning even typing those words. I don't think I can watch. I don't think I can not watch.

The other issue from the finale is the infidelity. The male half has signed onto another show, and won't appear on PP, so it seems that'll just end. I hope, anyway. It was so distastefully done - the wife, on bedrest, with a desperately wanted pregnancy, her disgusting horny husband on the prowl, divining true love in a few lustful exchanges. Ugly, selfish, grotesque people.

But, the network must be doing something right, as I will probably watch. But I may yet retreat into the safety of a less upsetting, more escapist soap opera, and wait for a time where a more realistic protrayal of family building is created. Beaue there is drama. There is heartbreak, There is love. It could be done right. Or it can be done sloppily, and grotesquely.

So what about you? Watching? Any other baby loss stories in pop culture got your attention?

dwindling

2009-09-21T10:26:00.002-04:00

Two and a half years ago, my parents were visiting and my husband and I went out for drinks. It was a few months after babyloss, and I was floundering.

Maybe a bar isn't the best place to have this conversation, but I tried, "I think there's something wrong, I think this has impacted me far more than I thought, [big gulp of air] IthinkIamdepressed."

I've never had clinical depression, I've never taken medication, I'm a pick yourself up dust yourself off kind of person (and I know how obnoxious that sounds to someone who has or has experienced clinical depression, you can't just will yourself out of it). But the darkness was not lifting, and was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. This was a huge thing - a vulnerability - for me to admit.

"Yeah, it's hit me hard too, it really was something, huh," was my husband's response, as his eyes flicked around the bar, at the TV, at other people, at just being out and about.

So I dropped it, and it took a few more months but the darkness did finally fade, and I could focus on the future and planning with just a few periods of sadness, if there was some sort of reminder, but oops! My husband had already moved on, found a colleague who was fun and understanding and I guess most importantly, not me, no history, nothing complicated.

You read the mommy magazines and mommy blogs and it's a common complaint - your needs are subsumed by everyone else's. You're the one who does the million and one things to keep things running smoothly and create a life for your family. My husband is an incredibly invovled dad. He does a ton for the kids. But there are times I just want someone to think about me. Where am I in all of this?

There's been a variety of creeping cruds in our house the past few weeks, and I've managed to miss all of it. So I've done the runs to pick up medicine, taken the burden of much of the middle of the night wakings, the doctor visits, the jello, the lot of it.

And now this week is our oldest child's birthday, and there was planning for a birthday party. We did a joint party yesterday with a neighbor whose daughter has the same birthday, and her husband was completely absent. My neighbor exudes loneliness, and we never see her husband, and so I asked and he works long hours on a late shift - til 10 pm most nights. So, a stay at home mom, she does all the heavy lifting of parenting. And I think how spoiled I am, how much he does, how I have good childcare, how I have time for myself.

But still. Days I'm tired, he's so exhausted he can't keep his eyes open. Days I have a work issue, his colleagues are idiots who are going to screw up their entire important project. And so it goes. It is never just about me. I think, in general, this is a common complaint in the male/female dynamic.

And now the crud has finally crept my way, so my head is heavy and I'm trying hard to tie a bunch of threads together in this post and it's not quite working. And there are cupcakes to make and presents to wrap and a last minute present to pick up and just all the extras to think about to make a 4 year old feel special. And I am tired. I think the biggest lesson of the past two years for me was that ultimately, I can only count on myself. And when I am physically tired, that makes me feel sad, but at the same time, keeps me going. So it's off to finish up birthday prep, after a nap. I need it.

I wish it wasn't raining

2009-09-11T10:02:00.003-04:00

Because otherwise I would put our flag out. It's hard to believe it's 8 years later.

The thing I remember most is how we kept the TV on 24 hours a day for the rest of the week. We slept, uneasily, with the TV on. This sticks with me I think because of now having children. You would never want to subject your kids to those images, over and over and over again. I'm a news junkie, but there are days the news does not go on - at nearly 4, she picks up too much already. And there are some things she doesn't need to know yet.

Maybe it will clear up. And when it does, this liberal will show her patriotism by unfurling the flag on our front porch. And remember.

I am totally crazy

2009-09-07T22:52:00.003-04:00

So I mentioned this in the last post, but both kids have been sick, sick, sick the past ten days or so. Before that, my little guy hit a 9-month sleep regression - he's crawling, pulling up, trying to walk, teething, and learning baby sign language all at the same time and with all that going on, sleep is the last thing on his mind.

We're talking 2, nearly 3, weeks of massively interrupted sleep. Newborn baby type sleep, snatches here and there, never more than a few hours at a time. That takes a huge toll on the relationship. Huge. We do not handle sleep deprivation well. So it's been a rough time. Looks like we are coming out of the sick period, and tonight my husband and I talked about how short we've been with each other and how much this period has impacted us. So, communication is a good thing, it seems.

I had been exercising and eating well following my birthday and was seeing some early results, which have all been wiped out. I'm back on the wagon tomorrow, I think. Even with the exhaustion, you have to just power through, something I've never been particularly good at doing.

So, change of subject, how worried are you about H1N1? Have I asked this before? With a child now in school, for us I think it's matter of when, not if.

I might be crazy....

2009-08-31T16:12:00.003-04:00

So, you may remember my anniversary was a few weeks ago. There may have been a fair amount of wine consumed that night, by both of us, and that may have led to a little bit of marital relations, which may have then led to a, uh oh, what day of the month is it calculation, which resulted in a realization it was day 15. Realistically speaking, I thought we were 'safe.' Day 15 hasn't proven to be a key day for us in the past, and sure enough, last week on Day 28 cycle started all over again.

And I was......bummed. Yeah, bummed. Like everyone else I'm clicking furiously at Niobe's and holding my breath and hoping for good news. And wondering, what about us?

Emotionally, I'd like to have three children. But I look around and think, am I crazy? First, not entirely sure the marriage could handle a third. Sleep deprivation is a tough, tough state. My daughter is down and out with strep and my son is going through teething, so we take turns in the middle of the night up with each of them. Who the heck would take care of a third? There are only two of us! Add in a fragile marriage, a small-ish house, an already manageable but tight budget, my age, past difficulties, not great physical condition, a desire to spend more one on one time with the children I have......why in the world would I want a third?

On day 28 my husband came home from work and told me friends of ours with kids roughly ours ages were going for #3. Husband said friend asked him if we were, and husband told me, I said I don't know, we never talk about it. I don't want to talk about it right now, because logically the answer is no. So I changed the subject to our own kid crisis of the moment, whatever it was.

And I wonder. Maybe next summer, breastfeeding over, me in better shape, still 41 not quite 42...maybe? Maybe? I don't know. Maybe I am crazy.

Meanwhile, I'll keep cheering on everyone else, and hoping for good news.

working dreams

2009-08-24T10:18:00.003-04:00

The other night I had the weirdest dream, one that felt so real during it. The kind where you can feel the tablecloth under your finders, smell the room, feel the presence of the people sitting around you. And, it was about the job from which I was fired last year. I dreamed that I went to a meeting with two of my current colleagues, who took me to a meeting with the two people who fired me last year. We sat at opposite sides of a table, me between my two colleagues, just staring at my two former colleagues. I hadn't known we were meeting with them, and I felt surprised, but proud of my current work and current colleagues. I sat mostly silently as big issues were discussed. Then, there was a lull in the discussion, we were waiting for a decision or more information, so the 5 of us sat silently. I broke the silence and said, we can't pretend we don't know each other, how are you all? What is going on with the project I was on? The two of them looked uncomfortable and hemmed and hawed a bit, but never gave an answer.

I woke heavy with sleep, still feeling like I was in the meeting room and waiting to hear how things were on this old project. The feeling stayed with me for the entire day. The dream actually happened before I typed out my job history post, so it wasn't brought on by that. I don't know what did bring it on. The job had been to launch a new non profit. And since I left, there's not been a word of progress. Every once in a while I google the name of the organization, or key phrases, and nothing ever comes up. Did they decide to kill it altogether? Did they retool and did that slow them down? They were impatient when I was there, could they possibly have just delayed the entire thing over a year? Given that it's been over a year, and I have a new job, most of these questions don't matter in terms of how the job loss may or may impact my career. If I had been fired and they moved quickly and publicly without me, there might have been an impact. But now, it's mostly just raw curiosity that makes me wonder. Months and months ago, I e-mailed another consultant who had been part of the process. But I never heard back from him. I consider writing one other person who worked within the corporation, but I always decide better to leave it alone. This dream, though, brought it all present again. What is happening? Why do I care? Could I find out? Should I e-mail the insider, or just let it go? I had liked this person and she seemed to like me, so sometimes I think I could just e-mail her to let her know I had a baby and just to say hi and hope she is doing well, and hope she'd e-mail back some news. But then I think better to just let it go. The dream was so real. So real. I'm not generally a person who thinks much about the meaning of dreams, but it does make me wonder.

Another one

2009-08-18T09:17:00.002-04:00

Another year down.

And, once again, I turn to the if today is your birthday feature in the paper for inspiration and guidance*:

"This year is delightfully unconventional. By the end of September, singles find offbeat romance, and couples make novel choices to spice up their relationships. Your needs change as you evolve through the fall. The changes you make in October help your finances and lifestyle to improve all at once. Taurus and Aquarius adore you."

Hmmm. Horoscopes really are mindless crap, aren't they?

40 was a good year. Not as good as I intended, but good in its own way. But yes, I have the exact same resolutions this year as I did last, and as I've had, in some form or fashion, every year. I think being over 40 means you start to become more accepting of your place in the world. It is what it is, you know?

*not really

Job update

2009-08-11T13:26:00.004-04:00

One of the reasons I haven't been able to manage much posting is job related. I spent some time in my archives with the last two posts and wow, I posted A LOT about my job dramas over the past year+, so perhaps it's time for an update and explanation - and query for ideas, too.

So, when I first started this blog nearly two years ago, I had a full time job that I despised. We were going through a merger, my boss and company were clearly going to be on the losing side of the merger, I liked the other company better anyway, which could have been good, but the tensions were too high and I wanted out. So I searched and searched and searched and networked and landed something that seemed like it would be a dream job - an executive director position starting up a new non-profit for a cause that was important, and that also came with a huge pay increase. The new org was to be sole funded by a reputable company, but since it didn't exist yet, we worked out a gentleman's agreement and baseline contract, with the expectation the new org would be ready to go and funded within a few months. Gentleman's agreement means I trusted them - I didn't fully vet the contract with a lawyer (I did have a lawyer look at it, and she pointed out some flaws, but I didn't have her negotiate anything stronger for me), I let it slide. I started in January 08, and worked my tail off, against some fairly strong opposition. I had no idea that some within the company did not want to spin off a new organization, that there was infighting within the board, that what had been promised as settled was in fact no way settled. I was fired. And I was pregnant. And the jerks at the company wanted to can me with no severance or consideration. I fought hard to get what little was due to me, and after too much stress was finally paid off the small amount.

And I started job searching all over again, while pregnant. And had a ton of leads and good interviews and strong networking. I had only once in my entire career interviewed for a job and not received it. But this was rejection after rejection, and not because of the pregnancy. And not because of the economy, either. Just because. Slow decisions, not quite the right fit, just nos.

In August I learned of a part-time contract position with an organization I had worked with previously. They wanted someone to do some outreach education, which was a good fit for me, and they were fast tracking the application. Ha, hahaha. I'll never hear fast tracking the same way again. I interviewed in late September, and then the wiffling and the waffling started (honestly, it's too exhausting to link to all the ups and downs). They asked for references in December, called references in early January. And finally, I was notified I got the job in January, starting in March.

So here we are, 5 months down. It's going well so far, I think. I had a 4 month review that was very positive and they guaranteed the position for thr full 12 months. Fundraising in this climate is no easy task, though, so while they'd like it to continue a second year, we'll just have to see.

The hard part is the 20 hours contract. I'm paid monthly, for 80 hours, so it's 20 hours on average. And they've said it can even be a two month average. This matters because there is no paid vacation. So we've gone away a fair amount in July, but I worked 99 hours in June, and still managed 75 hours in July, so ahead of the game. I have a hard time constituting what is work. At a salaried position, you take a break and read some blogs and write a post and 30 minutes have gone by and that's fine and you just get your work done. But if you're on contract, are those 20 hours work only hours? I think mostly so. If I read news or catch up in my field, I count that as work. But blogging? Or general surfing? A little harder to justify. I'm a slow writer - when I have a writing assignment, I mull it over, pace around, work it out in my head, then eventually sit down and blow it all out. So. The mulling counts as work, right? Or no?

That's my biggest struggle right now. Finding discipline to get work done and over, then being ablet odo what I want to do. So for example, I needed to go to the grocery yesterday - I finished my project with enough time to do so. But on Friday, I didn't finish my particular task and worked on it Sunday night. I spent time Friday mulling it over, daydreaming, I guess. I counted those Friday hours, but not the Sunday night.

How would you count hours? Would a position like this force you to be more disciplined? How disciplined are you at work? How do you find that discipline? When do you find time to blog?

Time heals all?

2009-08-10T09:41:00.004-04:00

Thanks for the well wishes. It was....nice. Flowers showed up at the door, dinner was delicious, we talked about our favorite memories from that day and from the honeymoon. All in all, it was what it should have been.

Though I do wonder, does anyone actually get that diamond anniversary band? Kidding! But come on, I like shiny pretty things as much as the next girl.

So did anyone see this in the NY Times? Happily (so she thinks) married woman's husband tells her he doesn't love her anymore and wants out and she.....ignores him. Gives him space. Lets him work it out until, 4 months later, he's back in the family fold (upon which there are lots of hard talks and working things out, it's not as simple as it appears). Fascinating. It's essentially the same advice in the various prevent divorce books (divorce busting, etc), and mirrors other advice I've received or read. And it, sort of, is the strategy that worked for me, too, except I was more in his face about it than is recommended.

I don't know how sustainable my marriage is over the long term. But the truth of the matter is no one really knows for sure, either. It is what it is, for now. I do know there is a deep and lasting scar, and I don't know if we'll transcend it. I don't think, right now, it's healed particularly well. But it is definitely still in the healing phase.

10

2009-08-06T16:51:00.003-04:00

Long time readers (hello-ooo-oooo? Anyone still there??) may recall that my wedding anniversary is this month. Tomorrow, in fact. Ten years.

Which means that yesterday was another anniversary of a date that never was. And I'm just realizing I didn't spend any time yesterday thinking about the baby who wasn't here, who might have turned two yesterday in another universe, though in yet another universe we might have celebrated a birth followed, at some point, by a death due to the myriad of problems this baby would have had, had he survived to be born.

Two years is some sort of a marker in grief time. Far enough out that it's become an event of the past. Life has changed and other events have overtaken.

Last year, during this week, I was a mess. A weepy mess, a pregnant woman who took to her bed not from any doctor's orders, but just from crushing pain. One year out and crying every day, multiple times a day, beaten down but not yet out. It's hard now to remember it all, to remember the intensity. Two years out is a different place.

I bought a card. We're going out to dinner tomorrow night. I wonder what he will want tomorrow to mean. How am I supposed to view this anniversary? I rejected so many cards. I swear this has to be a business model for simple cards that just say Happy Anniversary and not much else. That skip the poem and flowery crap. Even in the best of circumstances I'm a pretty straightforward gal. And these still aren't the best of circumstances.

We honeymooned in Nova Scotia. Given various family schedules, we sort of had to schedule the wedding for August, even though I dreaded the heat. So we wanted a honeymoon someplace new, different, that was a little cool. It was a great vacation, and we talked about how fun it would be to repeat it for our tenth year. Earlier this summer, actually, my husband brought that up, but it was just impossible given finances, obligations, kids. Maybe someday we'll go back.

Where was your honeymoon? If you've been married that long, did you do anything special for ten years?

Turn around

2009-07-27T10:45:00.004-04:00

We have my daughter enrolled for the second year in a summer co-op pre-school, which means it's organized and staffed by parents, generally the moms. I've gotten to know a few of the moms over the past two years, though haven't made the leap to outside of school connections. There's one mom though I've always liked. She was diagnosed with thyroid cancer this spring and had an operation just before summer started. She seems to be doing ok with recovery. I like her because she's open and honest and direct and common-sensical. She calls it like she sees it, and we generally see things the same way.

One day a couple of weeks ago we were the two parents moving the kids to the gym area and as the kids ran ahead and started to play we were chatting about stuff in general when suddenly talked turned to life. She said, it's just been a really rough time, lost a pregnancy last spring, husband quit his stable job to open his own startup, economy collapses and his business is failing, I've not worked in 4 years and have to find work now, cancer, always thought I'd have three kids and now once things are back on track we'll look into adopting, I'm just so angry all of the time - so angry - and I'm taking it out on him for everything. Jsut a rough time.

I did those general female support things, nodded, made appropriate mummurs of empathy, etc. While inside I was blown away - by her honestly, by her matter of factness in reciting this litany of crap. And then the moment passed, and the kids demanded our attention, and I just filed it away.

And the next week her kid developed pneumonia and was hospitalized (though it was not too serious, her son just required oxygen support for a few days). I sent her an e-mail, replying to the news, and said it really seemed like she was in the shitstorm, and I had been though my own period of crap - one that lasted almost two years. I ran through the list- lost baby, marital problems, lost a job, money worries, family illness, family issues, etc (though was very careful to word in such a way that I wasn't comparing and certainly nothing like fighting cncer in the middle of it all - I imagine a cancer survivor is sensitive to "I know just what you're going through, I stubbed my toe last week!"). She wrote a nice note back from the hospital room thanking me for sharing, and I wrote her back saying I think everyone goes throuh their own various hellish periods, and the more we're honest about life sometimes sucking, the easier it is to get support during those times.

So, who knows. Maybe a new friendship is emerging. But, I tell this overly long story for a few reasons. As always, you never know what others are going through. I do think honesty begets honesty (at some level). After all, my litany of crap was heavily edited. Left out the crazy inlaws, the infidelity, the divorce lawyer consulted, the huge sums of money spent on counseling, the firing, the lawyers, the stress. You can't look from the outside and presume to know what's happening in a family. From the outside, heck, other than my obvious weight problem, I look pretty darn good, too. Two kids, a good job, supportive husband, fun activities. You don't see the scars or damage below the surface.

But, it also made me think, as I was typing out this sanitized version of the great shitstorm of '07, what were the parameters of this shitstorm? And when did it end? 'Cause, much to my surprise, I realized it did end. It felt endless when in the middle of it, and without a doubt there are lingering effects, but if something bad were to happen now, it'll be a new bad thing - no longer a continuation of what started in early '07. It didn't end with the birth in November. Those first early baby days were hard. The little guy settling down and getting on a schedule and us all adjusting to his presence helped turn the corner. (oh lord, am I totally jinxing myself even typing this? Am I asking for trouble?). Getting the call of this new job, and starting the job, and having positive feedback I was a valuable member of the team - that's really what helped set my ship a little straighter in the water. Life isn't perfect. But it's a whole heck of a lot better than it was a year ago. Or two years ago. Oh, there are plently of things out there to knock me off course - the ever present inlaw issue. The Marriage and What To Do about our issues. Plenty of other shoes that could drop. New things to constantly worry about. PLENTY.

I feel like I'm emerging, blinking, from the darkness. And that, for now, is good. A fragile good, but good nonetheless. For now. I can't - and won't - stop caveating. More than anything, I think, surviving a shitstorm teaches you to be humble. There's not much that keeps me or anyone from the bad.

jumbled

2009-07-13T16:44:00.002-04:00

Still here - back from vacation, and just taking a little blog rest. It's not that I don't have topics or thoughts. But maybe I have too many, and they are too jumbled. I've jsut been filled with a vaguely dissatisfied feeling for....well, for too long.

Our vacation was great. Mostly great. Was it great? Two years ago, we vacationed with our friends. My New Zealand friends are in the US this month, and we all got together - 6 adults, 5 girls ages 3-5, 3 boys under a year old. And we had our usual good time together. Which is what I thought we had two years ago, as my personal shit storm was gathering force, about to really wallop me.

Vacationing with kids is busy. Always a lot going on, always something to do. I felt my husband and I weren't connecting very well. About halfway into the week, he said something about how well things were going between us. There was a context, but I can't remember now what had caused that statement. I was agog, though. I felt he had been distant. I knew I didn't think things were good between us. There was no affection whatsoever. I've been thinking about this for awhile now. I think he is on autopilot. We're in the midst of small kid-dom and you just get through it as best you can. That's where I thought we were 2 years ago (with a huge side helping of grief and regret on my plate), but he was miserable and plotting his escape. And this time, I wasn't happy. Not miserable. Not plotting my escape. But not happy.

I really don't know where I am right now. I have no idea where "we" are. It makes it tough to write. My thoughts meander. It's no wonder, if you look at the past few months of my writing, it's all external. Comments on bad politicians and bad TV shows. Not inward, because inward is jumbled, disordered, unclear.

How are you feeling these days? Satisfied? Dischordant? Any tricks for cutting through the clutter and coming back to the clear?

Wow

2009-07-01T10:30:00.001-04:00

We're on vacation, so this is just a quick dash off - wow is this
Sanford situation crazy or what? By far the most public unraveling of
a marriage I've ever seen. But also the most real. It is interesting
to hear various media accounts. Ultimately, we prefer our gossip a bit
more sanitized. Not quite so revealing, perhaps. But this guy is
putting it all out there. He's going to get drummed out if office for
the unseemly public display, not the actual offense.

surrounded

2009-06-25T16:30:00.004-04:00

I swear, there's a sex scandal around every corner. (and here is a very funny link to a flowchart of Republican sex scandals, 2006-2009 - don't worry, I'll get back to bashing John Edwards (D), soon enough. Sex scandals are bipartisan).

At least this time, Sanford's wife wasn't forced to stand beside or behind him as he made his lame apology. It seems like wives have learned they don't have to humiliate themselves when their husband acts like an ass. And, Jenny Sanford issued a pretty substantive statement, something we've not really seen before. In part:

.....I believe wholeheartedly in the sanctity, dignity and importance of the institution of marriage. I believe that has been consistently reflected in my actions. When I found out about my husband's infidelity I worked immediately to first seek reconciliation through forgiveness, and then to work diligently to repair our marriage. We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eyes and maintain my dignity, self-respect, and my basic sense of right and wrong. I therefore asked my husband to leave two weeks ago.......

I believe enduring love is primarily a commitment and an act of will, and for a marriage to be successful, that commitment must be reciprocal. I believe Mark has earned a chance to resurrect our marriage......

.......I remain willing to forgive Mark completely for his indiscretions and to welcome him back, in time, if he continues to work toward reconciliation with a true spirit of humility and repentance.

This is a very painful time for us and I would humbly request now that members of the media respect the privacy of my boys and me as we struggle together to continue on with our lives and as I seek the wisdom of Solomon, the strength and patience of Job and the grace of God in helping to heal my family.

A bit different from the usual, and she leaves the door open to reconciliation. I might dislike her husband's politics and actions, but I applaud her statement. Though, not to quibble, I'm not quite sure how a trip to Argentina is earning a chance to resurrect his marriage. Last year, the Spitzer affair caught me by surprise by how much it hurt. The Edwards affair was devastating. By now, I just roll my eyes. I suppose that's healing?

unfortunately

2009-06-18T13:09:00.003-04:00

I've had a ton going on lately, but when I was in a somewhat boring meeting I was clicking around and saw the unfortunately meme, so decided to see what turned up. Nothing on which box - which means "unfortunately which box" was a goolenope, until just now. Someone has coined googlenope for phrases for which not a single google hit pops up. I think there's some website or contests to come up with new googlenopes - I heard a funny one the other day but have forgotten, if I find it I'll link it back here - oh someone sent it in an e-mail - they had read it someplace - "the only white guy in my golf class." Funny.

Anyway, so Unfortunately [Which Box's real name] yields a few good ones:

Unfortunately, [Which Box's] ardent supporters began turning on her...
Unfortunately, [Which Box] made things worse by showing up at the review board drunk and accusing the hospital administrator of having a vendetta against her.
Unfortunately, [Which Box] is unaware that the last man she was with is entangled with the mob.
Unfortunately, [Which Box's] in rehab, not for substance abuse, but for exhaustion. She's just plain tired.
Unfortunately, [Which Box], your short questions require long answers.
Unfortunately [Which Box] was told by the doctor that the chances of her conceiving were very slight and so they stopped trying only for [Which Box] to discover a few weeks later that she was pregnant.

Wow, through a very fuzzy lens it does kinda parallel my own life. (note: very, very fuzzy lens)

friends

2009-06-08T16:38:00.003-04:00

This past weekend my undergrad college held its annual reunion weekend. I was part of a large, boisterous group of friends that spanned several classes. So even though it was not a reunion weekend for my particular class, many of my friends have just decided to make it an annual tradition to gather at the college this weekend.

I attended a very small womens college (small college, not women) that has since gone co-ed, as nearly every womens college has over the past thirty years. (is it women's or womens? probably best to say a college for women?).

As a backstory, I have lots of friends from all the different places I've lived, gone to school, worked, etc. As fits my Which Box persona, the groups are fairly separate, with my closests friends crossing several of the boxes. But many close friends staying put in their one category. Heck, I organize my section of the Christmas card list by category - it helps me find people when I need to change an address to know, in chronological order, my friends are listed by hometown, undergrad, grad school, long past job, long-time job, recent job, and current city friends (and then including my dad's family and my mom's family).

Over the years, I've lessened my involvement with my undergrad friends. It's a variety of reasons, really, that mostly have to do with our respective growths as individuals. Or not. One of the things about a very tight group of friends is the group-think that ocurrs. We were at this small, isolated college for women, with little to do, and a certain code of behavior emerged. Several of the more rebellious in the group, including me, took to calling us "the collective." It could be almost suffocating, that intensity of group think. You'd think a college for women would create a group of strong, confident, assertive women. And in some ways it did. But mostly, it did not. My friends are an odd mix of passive aggressive personalities, with a layer of martydom thrown in for good measure. Two of the women have children on the austism spectrum, and both are strong advocates for their children, and one has established an autism awareness non-profit. But, we had bad - abyssally bad - service at the restaurant we chose for our group dinner, and both these women didn't want to make a fuss or in any way insist that we be treated better. It makes me crazy. I'm the assertive one in the bunch, so even though I had nothing to do with planning the dinner, guess who dealt with the restaurant's management? (unsatisfactorily, but that's a completely separate story about jerk management).

Anyway, the point of all this was to say that it had been a while since I'd be involved much in the group. But it was nice to see everyone, to hang out with husbands I'd known as boyfriends back in the day, to see the kids. I've especially been laying low these past few years, with the pregnancies and job issues. So of the 9 women there, as we were catching up, 3 of them asked what I was doing now? And all three followed with, I hope you're staying home with that precious baby. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. We are graduates of this college for women. We were there in the 80s. The time of women having it all - job, husband, kids, the whole thing was suppose to be within our grasp. I've been probably the most career driven of all of them, and they tell me they hope I'm home with my baby????

Somehow, for now, I've achieved the holy grail of parenthood (according to a study a few years ago by Pew, reported here for example). It was arduous to get here, believe me, but now I have meaningful, reasonably well compensated part-time work. I'm proud of it. And I'm glad it's part-time. I'm happy for my friends who get to do what they want, whether it be full-time work, part-time work, or being a stay at home mom or any of the variables inbetween. But I don't project my preferences onto anyone else.

So I left the reunion loving my friends, but as expasperated by them as ever. I've gone from a central figure in the collective to being a peripheral member, which is probably just fine. A weekend day and evening was probably the perfect amount of time to spend. Do you go to reunions? High school, college, other? Do you enjoy them?

brother in law reappears

2009-06-04T10:01:00.003-04:00

My husband tells me yesterday he got an e-mail from his brother, asking if we could get together. E-mail says don't blow me off, let's find a time, we can meet in the middle (they live 2 hours away).

My husband wrote him back and said July was crazy and we had a narrow window in June where we could make this happen.

I would like to write a catch-up post to lay out the rough outline of the inlaw saga to keep it all straight. But the little guy was up at 5:30 am and I am tired. Too tired to think about the stupid inlaws. And definitely too tired to search past posts and find the right links. In the in-law saga, my brother in law has been a bit of a puzzle. Let's see, if this all started in December 07, he was neutral or supportive for most of the first bit - actually until the final blowup (ok, one link) with the parents in law, just before Little Guy was born. But, as far as I know, there was no announcement he was mad at us. He and my hsuband had been in sporadic, yet semi-regular (ie, normal) contact leading up November. After the birth in November, BIL's wife sent us a card and present, and then sent us a Christmas package. We sent them a package. Which they did not return. My husband called their house on Christmas Day and BIL was in bed, but chatted just fine with his wife. But since then, nothing. As far as I know.

I konw I am beyond tired right now (and was yesterday, too). But I also know this contact from my BIL is contributing to a bad mood. I so hate dealing with them. I so wish they would go away. Popping up every once in a while is stressful. We'll see where this goes. My current strategy is just to live my life and not own any of their craziness. Do you have a good coping strategy for letting go of other's craziness? Of not letting it get to you?

the good and the bad

2009-05-26T15:26:00.002-04:00

Sunday we celebrated the little guy's 6 month b-day. There's been good news from my little blogroll on the right over the past 6 months. Antigone's Perseus, Niobe's boy, CLC's Denis.

But then there are the reminders that not every story leads to the heart's desire. And your own heart breaks. Kym's betas started low and fell over the weekend. Chance's last chance. I'm so sorry. And I'm angry. Has anyone watched the awful Real Housewives of NJ? I've never watched any of the other shows, but given my in-laws, we thought we'd try out this NJ show. And it's awful, but not in-law awful. Last night we finally watched the second episode, and one of the housewives (the only one that seems like a decent person) went to the fertility specialist (after her 4th miscarriage). And he told her the same thing my RE told me. About half the time, the doctors can find no real for infertility or chronic loss. Half the time the doctors have no idea. How is that freaking possible? How, in this world where science and medicine can do so much, is fertility such a mystery? How can there be no answer? And how can no answer cost so freaking much money? It makes me angry. But, mostly it makes me sad. I wanted another baby in the blogroll. Chance and I once spoke to each other about hope. She helped me find hope. I wish there was something I could do for her.

Tash and I were thinking alike today. In addition to Kym and Chance, she points to two additional stories from the weekend. Not a great weekend for happy stories.

categorically

2009-05-22T10:11:00.002-04:00

So, here I am. I did finally get off my butt and write to Mel, and though she told me she doesn't usually start a category with only one blog, she could see the value, and she created a brand new category of which I am the only member. Awesome. And I mean that positively and sarcastically.

I looked over my latest posts, and I've been better about writing more often, but what I'm not writing about is my marriage. My communications problem in relationships is that I shut down when upset. I give 'the silent treatment.' Which is apparently one of the worst ways of communicating, all about power and just an awful way to treat your partner. According to a myriad of well paid counselors and experts. I go silent because inside I am screaming I hate you I hate this we never should have gotten married this is all a mistake I hate I hate I hate. And I think I can't say those things, so I wait it out until the drumbeat wears itself out and I can think rationally and I remember I don't really entirely hate everything and let's talk things through and figure a way forward. In my mind, this does not feel like a power trip or an awful way to treat my partner, but like a way to be nicer - to let the emotion burn out and then talk.

Hmm, where I wanted to go with this post is not where it's going. I've been giving the blog the siltent treatment on my marriage lately, except it's not because I hate the blog, it's because. Well, I don't know. We had a bad period a little bit ago. A really bad time. A time where I said I understand why you had the affair because believe me, if someone would just be nice to me and listen to me and support me and just generally treat me as if I were a valuable, worthy person, I'd leave you in a heartbeat. A time where I said maybe it was time to end this farce and just move on with our lives. A time where I said I just didn't care anymore, I was totally checked out. And he said, he wouldn't let me check out because the stakes were too high. It was too important. And I said he had no right - no right - to get on his high horse now. Too bad he didn't take the moral high ground before having the affair.

So, I agreed to look for yet ANOTHER new counselor. And I honestly can't remember when this was because the past weeks have been a blur of no sleep and colds and runny noses and no sleep and did I mention no sleep?

But, since then, despite the no sleep, things have been better. He is trying and paying attention and not just working working working, and I feel better having said some of it out loud. And the real point of this was I had lunch with a blunt friend yesterday and we were talking kids and I admitted I love the thought of three kids and she flat out asked (and it was fine she did so) if my marriage would survive a third and I said no. Kids are awesome and great and even with the heartache and effort to bring them into this world, I can still admit they are freaking hard work. And did I mention no sleep?

So yesterday morning I said to my husband maybe it is time to get the big-ass swing out of our room, since the not so little guy (20 pounds! at 6 months!) has outgrown it and he said yes and I said what should we do with it (loaded question - sell it since there are no more babies to be made?) and he said stick it in the attic. So yes, we'll stick it in the attic. For now.

What kind of fighter are you? The silent treatment? The screamer? The avoider?

blogging for good

2009-05-19T11:28:00.002-04:00

I never do this, but this time I'm stepping forward and promoting a good cause. I've written before about Gwendomama - her story of loss is heartbreaking, her writing is clear and lucid and compelling. She has been treated very, very badly lately. Very badly. Domestic violence and abuse badly. And right at the time when she should be allowed to have space and time to continue to grieve the loss of the precious Elijah which pisses me off almost more than the rest of it. Almost.

Her blogging friends have banded together to help her out of this financial hole she was forced into. I've never mentioned a cause before, I don't think, and I've never asked anyone for donations. More than anything, I want you to go to Gwendomama and show her support. She has a lot to get through. And, if you are so inclined, one of her genius friends made this little widget that allows donations through paypal.

When your husband - the one who helped you say goodbye to your precious son - doesn't pay the bills for months, despite telling you he has; when he chokes you in front of your living son, a mere toddler; when he uses classic abuser techniques like blaming you for reporting the incident and breaking up the family; when he uses what meager funds are in the joint bank accounts to bail himself out of jail - well, hell, you could use a little help and support.

inlaw update

2009-05-18T09:25:00.004-04:00

Nothing too exciting - my mother-in-law sent my husband an e-mail on Friday.

It was very short, just said thanks for the Mother's Day cards, then reported that they, my husband's brother and family, and husbands sister spent Mother's Day in Florida, at in-laws new time share and they all went to Disney. (Have I blogged about their ridiculous timeshare purchase? Husband's grandfather died, leaving $$ to parents, who immediately went out,with no thought or planning whatsoever, purchased a brand new timeshare in Florida. That requires a plane ride and a rental car to reach? Good for them, I guess, but maybe not the best purchase for people on a fixed income????)

Anyway, the money line was subtle, at the end: Hope WhichBox and the rest of your family had a nice Mother's Day. The dig was the subtle "your family." Because her beef, among many, is that my husband has chosen my family over his own. Please. Grow up lady.

I asked my husband where his thinking was on his family, and he just sighed and said he'd rather just ignore it all. He sees his counselor every couple of weeks (we're too busy and it's too much $$ for weekly sessions) and said they talk about his family every session, but he's had no further thoughts about them. I have to admit I like where we are now - just living our lives and ignoring them. It's been 18 months. I hope this period of relative peace will last a bit longer.

searching

2009-05-14T12:31:00.003-04:00

Every once in a while I check my visitor stats. Check out who's visiting, why, where they came from, etc. And I love a few blogs that semi-regularly report on google searches that resulted in their blog. By far, most google searches that send people here come from "I am jerk" a post from about a year ago, when a friend's mom died and I inadvertently offended her. (but friend and I have patched things up - saw her a couple of weeks ago for dinner at our place).

One last week caught my breath. "infertile husband is leaving me" I suppose the husband might be infertile. Actually, our infertility troubles were partially caused by my husband's diagnosed 'sub-fertility' and varicoceles. So, friend, regardless if your husband is infertile or you are or you both are together, I'm sorry. Really sorry. For all of it. For whatever sent you to google. I recall desparate google searches of my own (on different topics), trying to find others like me. Or sort of like me. Or maybe not at all like me, but at least entertaining. Or diverting. Or supportive. Or validating.

Do you track to see how people find you? Any good searches lead anyone to you?

out of time

2009-05-12T16:54:00.003-04:00

Today is my sister's birthday. She is almost 14 years younger than I am, turning 27. (Our brother is 2 years younger than me, almost 12 years older than her.)

My husband is two years older than his brother, and six years older than his sister, whose birthday is Thursday. So both our families have two siblings close in age, then a third a bit of a tagalong.

I think that influences my thinking about kids and siblings a great deal. Kids are hard. And having kids (and trying and failing to have kids) is incredibly hard on a relationship. I thought we would have three kids. I don't think our relationship would survive a third. Maybe, if there was time for a bit of a lag. But I'll be 41 soon.

I think, given that my result is two happy, seemingly healthy children, my biggest regret from the infertile/loss/shaky relationship years is the time lost. There is no chance for a "surprise" baby. If we had started earlier? But heck, we barely survived the should we have kids decision point, but went ahead and someplace in the files on my dead computer is nearly two years of basal temperature charting. Barely, barely survived the first child and then the loss - another year or so gone by. Hanging on by a slender thread with child #2. 6 years, two kids, two losses, infidelity, endless marriage counseling, and here we are. In the grand scheme of things, I probably can't complain much. But I can regret.

My sister enriched/enriches our family in so many ways. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. But then again, there's my husband's family - he was close with his sister, but she's fallen by the wayside, now, too. (a quick update - nothing to update - no contact, no nothing the past few months. I'm sure we're considered even more awful for the lack of a card for Mother's Day. Oh well. Hard to care, really.)

I used to be one of those people who would say things happen for a reason. Now I think things happen for no reason whatsoever. And you?

Eye Opening

2009-05-11T12:10:00.003-04:00

Wow - have you been over to Niobe's place lately? On Friday, she opened her comments section to anonymous confessions. And boy, have they rolled in. I was curious to see what people might write. I think of blogging as very confessional, so I couldn't imagine how these comments would be different. I don't know about you, but I am blown away - blown away - by the number and intensity of unhappy relationship/infidelity comments. The statistics are pretty stark - a high percentage of marriages experience infidelity, and the majority of those marriages survive.

I've thought about writing Mel at Stirrups Queen and putting me on the list in a new category - how reproduction difficulties exposes flaws in your relationship, or something slightly more catchy than that. (ideas, anyone?) I have on my perpetual to-do list to get added to the blogroll, but I can never decide where I might belong - relationships suck after infertility? (I have some progesterone to donate, so I have got to get this off my to-do list and onto the done list too, and pronto. I'm calling myself out here so I can actually get it done).

I am fairly certain the intention of anonymous confessions is to open it up, let it go, and never speak of it again. So here I am, violating the first rule of fight club by talking about fight club. The guilt, the questioning, the depressions, the fear and worry - all of that seems, to me, to be a more raw extension of what we read in blogland. Not much there surprised me. The relationship stuff - I don't read that much online along those lines. I was, am, surprised by those comments. There are times I feel like the one of just a few people struggling to keep a marriage together, and wondering if it will last.

Do you want to talk about fight club? Anything surprise you, or not?

timing is everything

2009-05-08T09:04:00.003-04:00

A true story. Really. So when I left my last full time job, in January 08, I bought my computer from work. It contains all my pictures, all my files, and my music. A MacBook Pro. Awesome computer. Of course, at work, it was backed up regularly. Here, no backup. And, with the 7000 pictures, 5000 songs, and endless files and e-mails, it was bumping up, hard, against the memory capacity of the machine.

So, the perfect plan. Once I get paid from my new job, I would buy a Mac specific back up device. Maybe the time capsule thing, maybe just an external hard drive for now.

My husband bought us a big, cumbersome PC hard drive. I'd moved a few archival files to it - all the movies we've taken these past years. But transferring files, backing up to this PC device is a HUGE pain in the ass. Huge. I was waiting for a mac specific device that would make it easy, fast, and relatively painfree. Yes, I have a new computer with this new job. Yes, it's a mac. No, I did not transfer files. Yes, I am an idiot.

I got my paycheck from this job on Monday, deposited it on Tuesday. Check cleared yesterday. And Wednesday night my computer - my life - crashed. Utter and complete fail. The night before the check cleared. Not that I would have rushed out Thursday and bought the drive. But still. Let's talk about timing.

So, a visit with the genius bar yesterday. He's going to try to access the hard drive today and transfer all the files to another device. I should get a call. My machine is sending conflicting signals about what's wrong. It's unclear whether he'll be able to access the drive, in which case it gets sent out for recovery of whatever can be recovered. The list of all the present we received for the little guy, and the thank you notes still to be written. The Christmas card list, totally updated this year, with all addresses right. Evidence from my husband cheating. Songs ripped from friends CDs. Songs ripped from our extensive CD collection - hours and hours and hours of ripping. Resignation letter I was forced to write from 3 jobs ago. Thankfully, not my resume, I'd transferred that over. Every picture from the past 5 years (my husband has some, but not all - but probably 75%). Every e-mail sent the past 5 years (I like to say I'm keeping them for my memoirs). Stupid stuff, random stuff, funny stuff, important stuff, irreplaceable stuff. All in one machine.

Seriously. In what universe does a 2.5 year old machine FAIL with this timing? The night before the check clears?

So please tell me I'm not the only one who fails to back up. I know I'm not. Tell me recovery works. Tell me the geniuses really are and I will get an it's all fine call in just a little while.

eta - They were able to access the hard drive and transfer 100% of my files. WHEW. Now I buy the back up drive, they move the files there, and it's all good, except for the broken machine. Based on how it's acting, they believe the logic board went. I have to decide if I want the machine repaired ($300). From Tash's comments, this machine is from the same time as hers, and even though I love it, it's always had some low level weirdness that perhaps wasn't so benign. I'll hold off repairing it for now, but maybe next paycheck. With sufficient backup, it'll will be cheaper to repair it, and that way I'll have a work laptop and a home laptop.

Season finale

2009-05-01T10:00:00.003-04:00

Well, thank goodness last night was the season finale of Private Practice. One less thing to fret about over the next few months. Oh, right, except for the new fretting about whether crazy patient will cut open Judging Amy and steal her unborn baby.

Yep. Unborn baby cutting and stealing. A new low for this show, on a night of many lows. Actually, for a while I thought Shondra Rimes (exec producer) had come to her senses and was going to have Addison character act honorably. Main character Addison and horny cardiac surgeon met and agreed they hadn't actually commited any sin except for coveting each other. (Gag). Cardiac doctor who just needs to get some decided he would tell his wife he loved addison, thus ensuring Addison would be reprimanded and suspended by state medical liscensing board for unprofessional behavior- what? Oh, wait, sorry, not part of storyline. Luckily, through dramatic machinations, Addison decided she could not let horny cardiac surgeon tell his wife and storyline seemed to be over, but there were still 20 minutes left in the show so sadly, she went to horny surgeons office, where they totally jumped each other all the way to pants being unzipped and possible male parts inserted into female parts when suddenly Adidson's (and now really horny cardiac surgeon's) pagers went off, signaling the wife was in labor and ready to deliver. Addison left the delivery room in mid contraction to find male midwife to tell him he had to deliver the baby that would make a family. And then she cried. So maybe she will do the honorable thing and we won't see any of the horny doctor (who will still be horny as a new first time mom isn't exactly thinking about servicing the husband, you know?), who may just fall in love with his baby and realize he almost screwed up his entire family all because he wasn't getting any from his stressed out dead baby momma complete pelvic rest to avoid third dead baby wife. Whew!

So, back to crazy mental patient. I have to admit this story actually got to me. While extremely rare, there are these cases of crazy people fixating on pregnant women and following them and cutting them open and stealing the baby. There was a well publicized one someplace in the south when I was pregnant with my daughter (so summer '05) that totally freaked me out and became Yet Another Thing To Worry About, so last night when I was having trouble sleeping I could not get visions of poor judging Amy laying on the floor telling crazy woman how to best cut her open out of my head (Amy had realized futitily of situation, could not dissuade crazy mental patient, so decided to talk her through the c-section so baby would survive). Now I have the summer to wonder if Judging Amy woman (what is her name on the show? Something silly. Violet, that's it.) is going to be killed off or miraculously saved. Seriously, as soon as her doorbell rang, I was thinking, it's the creepy crazy lady, don't answer the door! It's her, SLAM the door! Do not step closer to her - oh, damn, crazy lady injected you. So, aside from strange potion that renders you immobile and unfeeling from the neck down for many, many hours without wearing off even a tad as crazy mental patient slaps you around and talks your ear off, this was a pretty upsetting story. I actually kind of hope they don't kill her off. If for no other reason than the my two dads scenario playing out next season will be excruciating - remember Violet doesn't know which of two men is the father and refused to have testing done while pregnant. Although, actually, the non-main character possible father could turn out to be the dad, and move away with the baby and his grief, thus neatly wrapping up this storyline, getting rid of annoying Judging Amy character, and leaving major character (and hottie) Tim Daly to continue to be available hot guy for new storylines. So yeah, maybe I see how this is going to go. Though, still, death by crazy lady cutting you open while you're concious but paralyzed to steal your baby is a particularly bad way to go and I do not wish that on this character. I'd rather have character come back and be less annoying than have the story go this way. So I guess I do get to wonder about this all summer. While looking for spoilers.

And the rest of the storylines were incredibly annoying and pointless. Really annoying big bosomed doctor quit the practice to run a new practice (in the same building on the floor above), right after she figured out someone she switched embryos before transferring them into the wrong mothers. Oops, hate it when that happens, luckily she was able to convince mothers to carry each other's babies. There was even talk of termination, before the show stepped way, way back from that (ZOMG! Network censors! Sponsor boycotts!) edge and back into we are all happy baby makers here territory. (and big bosomed doctor figured it out because one baby carried the marker for a genetic disease, but whew, not actual disease. That would have been messy).

So, anyone besides Andiamo watch? Will Violet be saved to embrace happiness next year? Send any spoilers my way. (And who plays the crazy mental baby stealing woman? She looks so familiar. I'll have to find out so I can mis-identify her next year, too.)

pandemic ready?

2009-04-30T14:00:00.002-04:00

So are you pandemic ready? Are you worried about the swine flu? Or taking a wait and see approach? Or think this is all overblown entirely?

I am slightly worried. But mostly wait and see. For whatever reason, it seems like cases outside of Mexico are not as serious. And most new cases are coming from people who directly traveled to Mexico - not a lot of transmission between people in new areas. I think it's likely, as with the big one from 1918, that the flu will go underground throughout the summer, to re-emerge, possibly more virulent, in the fall. But, that gives our scientists 4-5 months to develop a vaccine. But I am thinking about starting to stockpile non perishable supplies - slowly, over the summer. Just buying a few extras every pay period kind of thing, to build up a small stockpile.

What about you? How worried are you, and do you have a stockpile?

My Mondrian

2009-04-24T15:10:00.006-04:00

A cool Friday afternoon activity - check out Dead Baby Jokes for the explanation.

It's very.......monochromatic. Which is really not me at all. I am a profusion of colors, swirled, sloppy, spilling over. So, um, actually probably not very Mondrian whatsoever.

What great comments on my last post. And for inspiration, check out Am I Doing OK? today. She is doing very well, indeed.

Make your own self portrait as a Mondrian. Like Niobe, send me your link and I'll post it here.

reverse body image

2009-04-22T10:17:00.003-04:00

I have reverse body image dysmorphia. That is, I think I look fine. I think I look good. I feel good, I feel like I look good. And then someone snaps a digital picture and hands me the camera and I see a double chin. Or I catch a glimpse in store front window and am dismayed at the bulk of my body compared to others around us. Or I pick up a shirt or pants in a store and think they look the right size, only to find them impossibly small in the dressing room.

Losing weight isn't supposed to be about looking good or body image or buying clothes, but about health, right? And I feel great, feel like I have energy and am light on my feet. But, I am also not pregnant. I am not a happy pregnant person: I feel huge, and my back aches and my legs ache and I am so tired and I have no energy. So just not being pregnant means I feel relatively awesome. I can walk up to my attic office without huffing and puffing, as happened nearly all of 2008. But that shouldn't be my measuring stick.

Because I'm not healthy. I'm not at a healthy weight. I keep losing and gaining the same 4 pounds over and over again. I think, gee, I need to work on this, and a week later am at 183. I think gee, this is a drag and I want MORE MORE MORE dessert/chocolate/cheese/to veg in front of the TV, and the next week am at 187. Wash, rinse, repeat. Since December. Not lower than 183, not higher than 187. At least I'm consistent?

I know what to do. I know how to do this. I just don't have the day to day motivation to make that lifestyle change. And I don't know how to get it. Or at least I think I know the how. Eat less, exercise more. It's a simple equation. Write down everything I eat, figure out how much excess I am eating, cut back, eat more filling healthier food and less empty calories. Walk 20 minutes every day, and throw in some stength exercises plus a yoga/stretching class once a week or so. And I know I could be down 20 pounds in 2 months. I know this. I believe this. And I do not do this. And I do not know why.

Do you know why? Any ideas?

Brown thumb

2009-04-21T17:24:00.002-04:00

My honeysuckle has aphids. I was outside and thought it looked funny, so grabbed an end to examine closely - and realized I was grabbing tons and tons of gross little bugs.

My skin is still crawling.

It was just about to burst forth with cheery bright blooms. I love the smell of honeysuckle. Yes, I know it's an invasive pest - but I love the smell. It reminds me of summers at home. Last summer - and we live in the middle of the city, remember - I saw a hummingbird for a fleeting second on my honeysuckle. We have just one plant, in a large container, with the goal of having a nice fall over a fence, into the ugly alley behind our house. I thought we couldn't go wrong with a hardy weedy honeysuckle.

And now my skin is seriously crawling. Ugh.

Insecticidal soap? I don't even know what that is. This is seriously a bummer. Any ideas from anyone with a green thumb?

Rainy Monday

2009-04-20T09:51:00.004-04:00

My dad's cataract surgery is today. Was today. Is now? My parents said they had to report to the doctor this morning at 6:15, and the surgery would be around 7 or so, he'd be done by 8. My mom asked if she should call then or just wait, and I said I'll be up at 8, call then. (while intellectually thinking, there's no way he's in and out by 8 am, that never happens so don't freak out when you don't get a call!) So it is 9:54 and there is no call. I should call. Normal people would call. In my family this would demonstrate an unbecoming level of anxiousness/hovering/peskiness. Besides, no one ever goes in and out by 8 am. There are always delays. So I do not call.

I am going to call. No, I am going to wait. Garr.
--
So I also learned yesterday that my uncle, the widower of my father's sister, has just been diagnosed with bladder cancer. Just a few days ago, I was thinking it had been nearly a year since her passing, and I wondered how my uncle was doing. And I thought - yes, I thought this - of how often, in close couples, there is a second death following closely on the heels of the first. How one cannot be without the other.
--
I have been spending some time tooling around the blogosphere. I discovered Gwendomama a few months ago, not sure what lead me there. But I've been hooked. Maybe because the pictures of her son who is no longer here are so stunning. He is/was an absolutely stunning child. That hair! That face! I cannot tear my eyes away from his deep, wise gaze in any/every picture she has ever posted of him. Stunning is the only word that is barely adequate. She is having a tough time right now, on top of the already tough times, and my heart aches for her, what little I know of what is happening.

Rain, rain, go away.

--
They called, he's fine, just longer than expected. And my mom ends the phone call by saying, well, I won't call your brother at work, or your sister at work. My family. Worriers need not apply.

a dilemma question

2009-04-13T13:20:00.002-04:00

I don't know why I'm not posting much. I just don't have a lot to say. So I'm sitting here, staring at my screen, struggling to put words to feelings and come up with something that makes sense. And I suddenly remembered there was a post I wanted to do over the holidays. I was on the periphery of a dead baby situation.

Here's the back story: my mom had 3 birth siblings, and one adopted sister. My grandmother was a famous champion of the lost, and in the late 1950s, when her children were older (the youngest 11, my mom 15, the older two 20 and 25) she took in the baby daughter of a lost soul - a woman who couldn't care for her young daughter (through bad choices with men, booze, drugs, etc). The child was eventually adopted. She is about 11 years older than me, and growing up I thought she was great - my aunt who was more like a cousin, who sometimes came on my family's vacations, who babysat us, etc. But as she entered high school, she got in with the proverbial wrong crowd and became a bit of a handful - smoking, drinking, sex, the usual. I have older cousins who were just a couple of years behind her in school, and were constantly disavowing her. Even at a young age, I grew to understand she was not the same as the rest of my fairly straight-laced family. She got married at 18 and had two children, got divorced, and then got really crazy. Most of my extended family really stopped interacting with her around this point - just seeing her once or twice a year when she'd pop by asking for something. When I was in high school I heard all sorts of rumors about her house - drugs, sex rings, you name a Jerry Springer episode and it was possible this aunt of mine could have a starring role. She never worked, and has lived on some sort of disability all these years. Honestly, knowing her and her choices has been one of the situations that has most tempered my political liberalism. I hate to sound like this, but a productive member of society she is not. Through adoption, she is a part of the family. But so unlike anyone else in the family - she is a Jerry Springer episode come to life. (there's some story about her and her daughter both dating, simultaneously, a guy who was in my brother's class - so 10 years younger than the aunt, 10 years older than the daughter - with accompanying drama.) We really have little to do with her - almost to the point of disavowing her. My brother was married in our hometown, and she did come. I was married the next year, away from my hometown, and did not invite her. I hate even referring to her as aunt or my mother's sister. Even though she is, she is not family. I'll call her Becky.

When my grandparents died, 30 years ago, their house was left to the 3 daughters - Becky, my mom, and my mom's other sister. Becky moved in, and has trashed the house for the past 3 decades. She pays the taxes and upkeep, what little there has been. This is a story for another day, but has been a major source of stress in the family. She's got the house, but it's at least partially owned by others - do we sell the house out from under her (though it's not worth much if anything) or gift it to her? She can't possibly buy it. My father is adamantly against giving her the house. My cousins and my siblings and I are adamantly against ever having any part of this house, though, and want our parents to resolve the situation before we ever have to think about it.

Anyway - my grandparents had also bought a large family cemetery plot, with spots for I don't know, 10 people or so. My mother, executor of the estate, was left the plot. But when my parents moved away from our hometown, my mother said the plots were her brother's, my uncle (the only one who still lived in our town), to do with as he wished for his family.

At Christmas, my mother got a rare call from Becky. Her son, whom none of us had seen in, I don't know, years, had a pregnant girlfriend. The son is in his mid 20s, the girl still in high school. The son had been married before and had other children with another woman. Sadly, this baby had died in utero, at nearly full term. The baby was to be delivered in the next few days and my aunt wanted to know about burying the baby in the family plot. My mother said it was my uncle's decision. My uncle called later - he had gotten the same call. He had sort of put her off - hadn't said yes by any means, but had not completely said no, either. He wanted to know what my mom thought, and she said it was his decision, she imagined he had plans for the plot, and she supported him saying no. He called Becky back and said he was sorry, but there was no space available.

I spent a fair amount of time thinking about this. I think my mom and uncle did the right thing, given all the circumstances and history, much of which I've left out. But really, for this pregnant teenager, what was the right thing to do? How compassionate should we be? My big question was, surely this girl has family? My uncle later said he felt it was presumptious of Becky to even ask. And I agree. I have no sympathy for her, and I don't know what that says about me. Perhaps not very compassionate. Having come to know so many in dead baby land, I felt many emotions thinking about this situation. And I certainly have sympathy for the girl, and her dead child she still had to birth.

My dad watched the obituary pages online (we are from such a small town - the online paper tells us so much) and about a week later saw the obituary and funeral home and burial information. The obit mostly focused on the mother's family, actually, it might have been a typo but Becky, who was the dead baby's grandmother, was not mentioned in the obituary, though the other grandparents were. The child was buried in the mother's family plot, which I guess did answer my question - yes, the girl had family, and her family took care of her. Reading broadly between the lines, I think Becky tried to insert herself into the situation - perhaps claiming to have the solution to burial questions - and was rebuffed.

I'm curious - although I can't adequately convey all the nuances of this story, what do you think? Was my uncle within reasonable bounds in saying no? Do you have any black sheep in your family? How do you interact with them?

cards as emotional currency

2009-04-03T12:54:00.002-04:00

Aha. I knew it had been too quite on the in-law front. On a day where others are asking very real in-law questions, I picked up the mail to find two cards from the in-laws, addressed to the kids. Talk about ridiculous. My daughter got the $.99 card, while the little guy got a happy first Easter.

Who sends cards 10 days before Easter? Insane people who probably think this will 'solve everything' and result in us arriving for Easter dinner.

Um, no.

Better living through Hallmark, I guess. I better get on the phone and invite my brother over for dinner so we can officially say we have plans that involve once again choosing my family over theirs.

avoid

2009-04-01T11:14:00.003-04:00

I absolutely, positively cannot read or watch anything that involves kidnapped children. I bought at the thrift store for $1 a copy of The Stolen Child. It looks interesting, but not for me, right now. Maybe in 20 years. I'd also like to read What the Dead Know, by Laura Lippman, but also not for me.

The rest, though? Stuff related to my life? I actually tend to get sucked in, even with the pit of dread of my stomach.

Private Practice, though, just infuriates me. I really enjoy Grey's Anatomy. Even though it is ridiculous. Storyline about the face transplant? Absolutely laughingly ridiculous, but it was used to get Izzie to tell her friends about her cancer, so fine, good metaphor, and who cares that it made no sense from a medical perspective, it's a soap opera. I feel that way about law shows, cop shows, science shows (the rare ones) - who cares? It's escapism entertainment, they're getting the broad outlines ok, so just enjoy the story. But Private Practice? Where to even begin. The sanctimonious jerk of a pediatrician? The Amy Brenneman character who walks all hunched over with too much eye makeup and ridiculous fake pregnancy? I don't remember her being that hunched up and annoying in Judging Amy. So she's intentionally playing the character that way? The prolife fertility doctor? I'm with Wabi, give me a freaking break. The fact there seem to be no patients in the clinic? No nurses? (No wonder the practice is in financial trouble.) No bulletin boards of smiling baby pics? The "feel good" doctor who diagnoses cancer and doesn't send his patient to a specialist? No background happening except for the central characters? Are they that cash poor they can't afford extras?

And then there's Addison. OK, here's her backstory. She's a OB/GYN surgeon, married in NY to a brain surgeon. He has no time for her, she has an affair with his best friend. Husband leaves her, moves to Seattle, and thus Grey's Anatomy begins with him hooking up with Meredith in the first episode. Addison gets pregnant from best friend, has abortion, move to Seattle to save her marriage. Best friend (plastic surgeon, he of the bad face transplant storyline) moves out to Seattle to get her back. Husband rejects her for Meredith Grey. Addison rejects plastic surgeon. She visits her friend fertility doctor in LA to see if she could have a baby and through the marvels of modern technology, learns she has no eggs left. None. Zippo. So she moves to LA, spinning off Private Practice, to start a new life.

This most recent storyline - she has a patient who has lost at least two pregnancies, one at 7 months. Patient's marriage is in trouble. Addison puts her on pelvic rest, no sex, promises to see her through. Meanwhile, Addison washes her hands at the surgical area three times over two months and meets a heart surgeon who falls in love with her after brief inane exchanges of conversation. Shocking plot twist - heart surgeon is husband of pregnant patient. Heart surgeon expresses love, says he'll stay away. Addison resists by blinding repeating, "I'm not a cheater." She lets it slip she has feelings for heart surgeon, too. Last episode, heart surgeon shows up at her door like a creepy stalker and they partake of one passionate kiss before she pushes him away and closes door behind him. Oh, and earlier pregnant patient begs Addison to save her and the baby to save her marriage, before her heart stops and heart surgeon saves own wife.

Yeah. I watch this show, still, despite how stupid it is, because it's supposed to be entertaining escapism, and I like the Addison actress - she's very striking and wears good clothes and shoes (escapism!). And she was strong and tough as nails when she was a character on Grey's Anatomy. She was at the top of her game professionally, strong personally, and interesting. All this shit (infidelity, marriage break up, abortion, infertility) happened to the character over the course of about two years. That is a lot of shit. A vertible hell of a shitstorm. And yet, she's managed to make it through all that without realizaing one shred of self awareness or gaining one ounce of maturity. Because if she learned anything, from any one of those experiences, it would have made her turn to heart surgon and say, "look, your marriage is tough right now. You're not having sex. You've been through a lot with this woman. You need to feel close to someone right now, and you're grasping at me. But this is not real, this is not based on anything other than trying to escape what's been happening between you and your wife, and you need to man up, straighten out, get your priorities in order, see your wife through this pregnancy, get some counseling, and get your life in order. Not transfer all these feelings onto someone else who seems fresh and new and without troubles, but I've got troubles too and I'm not interested in compounding my own troubles by getting involvved with someone in your position."

Because. If she really learned NOTHING whatsoever about herself, her life, her priorities, her place in the world - after having an affair, having an abortion, having her husband leave her, and being diagnosed with infertility - then, frankly, she's not a very interesting character at all.

pop culture

2009-03-30T12:13:00.004-04:00

I finished a book last night that had themes of marriages ending, infidelity, and other happy, cheery topics often found in chick lit. One of my favorite light authors (Jane Green), I picked the book up for a release, and read parts with just a sick feeling in my stomach. And yet, despite consciously thinking I should stop reading, I kept plowing through.

In my experience, infidelity in popular culture bears not even a passing resemblance to real life. Maybe because TV or movie formats don't allow for subtlety - it's black and white people split up after infidelity, or the woman is a passive stand by your man kind of thing. There's rarely the gut wrenching day in day out of recovering and moving along.

I once, years ago, read a pop psychology book about marriages, and there was a section on infidelity. A wife was quoted as saying she cried every day for two years after discovering her husband's infidelity, but they did work it out and were still together. But the breach in trust was incredibly deep and long lasting. Crying every day for two years. That's stayed with me. I remember re-reading that one line, and concluding this wasn't exaggeration. This woman actually did cry every day for two years. So here I am. Not crying every day, but there are rough days. Odd reminders, twinges of bad feelings, words that trigger a memory. A book, a TV show, both for pure escapism, but not escaping at all from life.

Throwing things at the TV while watching Private Practice.

Is there anything in pop culture that hits too close to home for you? And yet you still watch, or read, or listen?

medical

2009-03-26T21:56:00.002-04:00

a few medical thoughts:

My period came back today, four months and two days after giving birth. Apparently my body has a relentless desire to procreate.

My parents called last night. In the past, I used to sometimes blow off their calls (caller ID) if I was in the middle of something or busy. Not a mean blow off, just a I have bigger things going on blow off, I'll get to the parents later kind of thing. No longer - I always answer now. But, I realized last night as I reached for the phone, when I see the caller ID my heart doesn't skip a beat. I think I have to get this what if, but my heart doesn't feel oh no. So, my dad has cataracts. Surgery to remove them in early April. Which has to be balanced against his blood thinners for the 'deep vein thrombosis.' His leg has been getting better, and he's feeling ok. The cataracts don't bother him, he said, but good to have them removed before they get worse. Since in my family we don't gush or worry out loud, I said, wow, what is going on, it's just one thing after another. I know, said my mom, he's falling to pieces. We've had a busy couple of months.

They don't sound worried, but they never do. I'm a product of this family, so I don't feel worried. Except for the dull thud of dread in the pit of my stomach, which I try to ignore. He's 67, will be 68 in another month. Too soon, too soon.

And then last week, I wanted to do a post but was just busy. I'm a brand loyalist, which extends to my tv watching. Love Grey's Anatomy, loved the Addison Shepherd character, HATE and despise Private Practice, the spin off show. And yet I keep watching. Last week's story is the beginning of Addison possibly having an affair with the husband of one of her patients. Her patient who has suffered two pregnancy losses and is in the midst of a third, very difficult pregnancy. Infidelity combined with infertility as entertainment. I fucking hate this storyline. And yet I cannot stop watching the damn show. It starts in a few minutes, so I will watch.

Oh, bonus point, non medically related - I had a dream last night about my mother in law. I dreamt we went someplace close by their house, and so stopped in to see them. And the MIL was perfectly nice and reasonable, but my father in law refused to see us and stayed upstairs the entire time we visited in the living room with my totally rationally sane MIL. Weird. Very weird.

(and Andiamo, thanks for the nice words!)

uninspired

2009-03-25T14:16:00.002-04:00

Well, hello there, if there are any readers left. I don't know what it is, but my motivation to post has just completely dried up. Or maybe it's been subsumed by too many other things on my plate right now. Nah, I could always find the time before, so somehow it's a lack of motivation.

Both Niobe and Antigone told their readers they were going away. But neither has, though postings have slowed a bit. There is something about the new baby/adjusting to new schedules thing that gives you a bit of a pass, but I don't know why others have stuck with blogging and I've lost interest. I had actually built up a good readership, and since I think in numbers and progress, there was something very satisfying watching my stats creep up. And now of course they've bottomed out. I wonder if watching the stats (a newish pursuit) made this less about the writing? Or if I've just gotten bored with the introspection? Or, just busier with higher priorities? It may be as simple as that.

The new job is going well, but I'm out and about in meetings, so it may just be that lack of sitting in front of the computer time leaves little blogging time.

I don't know. What keeps you motivated? How do you find the discipline to post regularly?

catching up

2009-03-07T17:08:00.001-05:00

Has it been three weeks? Really? Since I last posted? Good grief. So a quick wrap up.

I started my new job this week. Here’s what I know – after a year of not working regularly out of the house, my feet are not used to work shoes. I am limping.

We are spending all of our spare time thinking about school choices for our daughter, who can go to pre-k next year. She has a late September birthday, and our city has a September 30 cut off date for going to school. So she will be the youngest in her class, and I am freaking out. Should we send her? Hold her back? How do you know what to do?

Then there’s school choice. We are in the public school realm. We live in a large urban city, with terrible and ok schools. How do we get into an OK school? By going to endless rounds of open houses and putting in applications for schools outside our neighborhood. And praying we get accepted. This is a part-time job, figuring this out. And you know, it’s only her entire life we’re talking about here. So no stress involved at all, right?

The little man is doing well. Right after I accepted the job, his sleeping regressed and I was back up two times a night with him. But this week he’s been cooperating beautifully, and I’ve only shed a few tears at handing him over to the nanny. Part-time work is nice, I have still had a lot of time with him during the week.

I just found out a friend’s father just passed away. He was 4 years older than my father and was diagnosed with cancer 8 months ago. I want to drive to my hometown and attend the services next week, but it’s not practical (3.5 hours away, infant, etc). But my heart is heavy for my friend.

Marriage has had its ups and downs, but we’re still coasting along.

Nothing from in-laws.

And that sums up my past few weeks. Nothing too terribly exciting. Just life. I’ve barely had time to click around the blogosphere. What’s been going on with you?

MIL's birthday

2009-02-18T19:45:00.004-05:00

Last week was the mother in law's birthday. My husband sent cards and posted some pics on our family photo site (we post family pics on a password-protected site (think Picasa, Kodak Gallery, and the like - since we live so far from family/friends).

MIL wrote my husband an e-mail just thanking him for the cards. Husband wrote her back and said she was welcome, and we had just had some studio pics taken that we would mail to her once they came in.

My husband just told me today that MIL wrote him back. She asked - why did we care about her now and seem to be reaching out after ignoring her since December 2007 and keeping news about her grandson from her.

Let me repeat that - keeping news of her grandson from her.

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

She really heard nothing of what we told her when we told her about the pregnancy.

Husband wrote her back today and said he had been hurting so much in December 2007 and needed their understanding and didn't get it - got in fact the opposite. And that had really hurt, and he needed time - a lot of time - to recover from that.

Gah. We're getting sucked back in, aren't we?

*since I had to edit to correct a typo, just thought I'd add - how on earth did I marry into a family where a $4.29 card from Target is the be-all end-all in emotional communication?

easing

2009-02-12T16:15:00.003-05:00

Called my folks today and got my dad. He's feeling better, not in as much pain. He did try to see his doctor early (had appointment scheduled for today), but the doctor was totally booked. So he saw someone else, who adjusted his medicine slightly. And gave my dad food for thought, as he sits in his recliner with his foot elevated. New doctor said he should have been in the hospital, but the danger had passed, so there was no need now. And new doctor gave him some other tips and information. My dad said, come to think of it, when he had the ultrasound to diagnose yes, there was a blockage in a vein, the nurses said they would call his doctor with the news. And when they came back after calling the doctor, they seemed surprised the doctor just wanted him back in the office, not directly to the hospital. So, my father plans to get through this, then find a new GP/internist.

My mom's family is the one who refuses to visit the doctor unless it's clearly absolutely necessary. I'm that way, too - oh, it'll pass, it's not that big a deal, it'll be fine. But I do know sometimes it is a big deal. I try to keep that in mind for myself, but yet I have no 'regular' doctor - just the OB. Once things settle down a bit - after my annual OB visit in the early summer - I plan to find a good GP and have a real physical (the first in, I don't know, 10 years or so?). Though, see, this is where I always talk myself out of it, I'll still be breastfeeding, so I should wait.....but really, I'm 40 now and should have a real workup, cholesterol, screenings, the works for my age. I did ask the OB about mammograms starting at 40, and that is the one test that does wait til after the breastfeeding is done, so I'm ok there.

Feeling slightly better than I have been. My father was cheerful and sounded like himself, though he did say he needed another week before going back to work. He is on the mend, though, and that's what matters.

I was thinking today, though, of his weight, and his heart issues, and how I so desperately want him around another 10 years at least (he's 67). Really another 20 (or 30). (Or forever, honestly.) And how I think he really should exercise more (though the bypass has resulted in him regularly exercising doing therapy), eat better, and drink less (alcohol). The same applies to me, too. I want to stick around a long, long time. And carrying this excess weight, and eating junk food, is not the right path.

My public service announcement - visit the doctor. Take care of yourself. And I'll do the same.

Do you go regularly? Am I unusual in not having a physical in a long, long time? Or do you just rely on your OB appointments to catch things?

Worries

2009-02-11T12:13:00.000-05:00

Last week I got a call from my sister. Have you talked to Mom and Dad lately? No, I hadn't. You had better call them, I just hung up and Dad has a blood clot and it's the size of a small child and he can't walk and there's a risk of stroke and why don't they ever call us and tell us these things, why do we have to call them before we hear anything.

What?

So I called. He's had this happen before - blot clots in a vein, backing up from his groin to his knee. He told me it had happened in 1961, when he was 19, and again in 1972. I remembered - I was 4 - he had the vein removed from his leg and was laid up for a little bit. They have him on blood thinners, and he's not to walk around or move much so it doesn't dislodge, they want the blockage to dissolve.

My father had triple bypass in October '07. And in the past 10 months his older sister and older brother have died. He's had a rough time of it lately.

I talked to them most recently a couple of days ago, and I should call them today. My mom cheerfully reported, 'well, everyone I know who has a blood clot is in the hospital, but not your dad! The doctors hope this will work, but his leg is swollen and he's in a lot of pain.' I talked to my dad, and yeah. I've never really heard him sound like that. In a lot of pain is, I think, an understatement. He was scheduled to visit the doctor on Thursday, but they were going to call and try to get in earlier. I really should call them today, but the huge denial part of my brain wants to just wait til they call me.

I've not surprisingly been unsettled all this week. The conversation with him was awful - I could hear how much pain he was in. I feel helpless. And there isn't anything I can do. Just waiting. And hoping. And praying, too.

A week

2009-02-10T13:46:00.004-05:00

A week since posting. Where does the time go?

Last night I had a dream - one of those where you're semi-half awake and know it's a dream, yet it keeps playing out in your mind. I dreamt my husband and I were in the kitchen, talking. He was about to leave, to go to his new girlfriend's house. He had just bought a chainsaw, and said, 'oh, I'm going to take this home with me.' At the word home, my heart just sank, hearing him call another place home. He saw that on my face, and quickly said oh, I mean Rebecca's. (I think we were separated, but I wasn't supposed to know he was living with Rebecca, who is a good friend and former work colleague who is quite happily married and lives a million miles from here in real life). Then things shifted a bit and I knew he and Rebecca were trying to conceive, and I asked him how it was going. Not great, he replied, but she is already nesting, the house is spotless. And I had that hollow empty feeling in my chest again, looking around at how messy my counters were (in reality I might be cluttered but my counters are clean). But I smiled and nodded and asked more questions and pretended I wasn't hurting. I finally shook awake, still remembering that pit of despair feeling in my body. The cat was tucked under my arm, and my husband was holding me close. But I was annoyed at his closeness, still thinking of how easily and unintentionally a casual remark could sting.
--
Tonight we are going to a reception sponsored by one of my alumni groups. I arranged for the nanny to come late today and stay late so we can head out for a no extra babysitting fee night out. When I start part-time work, I've been thinking about once every two weeks or so having the nanny's hour shift like that so we can have one on one time. I said to my husband though - wait, I get extra kid time (a blessing and a bane with a willful 3 year old and on-demand breastfed baby), while you get a night out.
--
A couple of nights ago he walked in after work and said, I love you. We don't often say it to each other, so I was surprised - to what do I owe the occasion? He had heard on the radio while driving a piece on how some relationships don't include saying I love you, featuring a man who had been married 12 years and never once heard his wife say it, another woman who hadn't heard it since their wedding day three years before. The takeaway as relationships were healthier when it was said out loud with some regularity. We should try it, he said. And the three year old chimed in, wait - I LOVE YOU, Mommy and Daddy. It comes easily to her.
--
I've been making my husband laugh lately. I can feel him smile at me and radiate contentment. These are things you know. I don't think he remotely can tell how I am feeling.
--
I went to dinner last week with some friends, and we talked about another friend who has had some troubles with au pair arrangements. There was a time I had thought we were an au pair-type family and would likely go that route. But I had told my friends - and husband - last fall no au pair anytime soon. I wasn't ready to have a 20-something living under my roof, especially if there was any chance she was remotely attractive and liked to party. One of my friends said last week, oh, but you don't think anything would happen now, do you? Hell yeah, I do, I replied. I can see it now - she'd be lonely and bored and want to go out and my husband would suggest, oh, I'll just show her around to a few places and the next thing you know..........stupid and ridiculous, I know. And I do believe unlikely, but not impossible. So no au pair for a while, if ever.

A week in a marriage.

soon to be employed

2009-02-03T11:33:00.004-05:00

OK. Wow. I accepted the part-time job just half an hour ago. There was a wee bit of pressure (sure, we took 5 months, but can you decide in one day? because we have to get back to the other people we've been stringing along.)

The contract came via e-mail at 2 pm. I still went to the full-time interview at 4 pm, and I have to say it was great. I really, really liked the person for whom I'd be working. I know how to do the job he needs filled, and I find it interesting and energizing to do that sort of work. The part-time job? Is a stretch for me. But a good one - for a part-time position, it's a major resume builder. It's a skill set I've done as part of my other positions, but never very much. It has high visibility and I'll make a lot of contacts. And I really, really liked them and wanted that job last fall - I think the long delay and my frustration with them has clouded how excited I was I came home last night totally torn. I'm still torn, to be honest.

And, having my ego take a major bruising last year, I'm gun shy. Am I really a good employee? Am I really talented? Do I have things to offer? The full-time gig interview was good for my ego, and doing a job I'd totally know how to do, in a big organization, has some safety appeal. A contract, located away from the home office - hello exact same situation from which I was fired last year. But, maybe that's also a reason not to shy away. To get right back up there and succeed.

I'm worried about money, and full-time gives us more money. But we've started going to open houses to get my daughter into school (since we live in a city, we have options even for public school, it's not just go to your neighborhood school). And at each one I've thought - but how will we pick her up from school? How will we all get ready and out the door by 8 am? When will I be able to ask her about her day? When will I get to spend time with her? Some organization did a study on working parents about a year ago. The holy grail for working parents is meaningful, well compensated part-time work. And that's what this is.

So I took it. The funny thing? I read back through some old job posts and saw I said we'd be relatively ok financially through March, if we instituted some belt-tightening. And that's exactly how this will play out. I'll start working March 1 (or 2nd, really) and be paid monthly in arrears, in early April. Just like everyone, there's more belt-tightening to come, areas we can cut back, credit cards to be paid off. Scary inancial news everyplace we look.

But. Whew. This is a big relief. I've been thinking where I was a year ago - new job, newly pregnant, thinking 2008 would be a much easier year than '07. So here we are, '09, new job, new baby, working on the relationship, hanging in there. Worried about the financial mess this country is in right now. Trying not to think about what could possibly go wrong next (and there's a few possibilities). How's your '09 looking? Are you optimistic? Pessimistic? Just taking it as it comes?

details?

2009-02-02T09:51:00.002-05:00

Thanks so much for all the good wishes. It really is just such a relief. I don't know many details, though. Which, as time has passed, has made it seem not quite real. Here's what I know.

Wednesday I finally got a call from the full time job I was pursuing, to schedule an interview. I played phone tag with the guy, just leaving messages, and was going to blog about that. The phone rang, and caller ID registered the part-time place. I seriously thought, oh, shit, here it is. The rejection call. I almost did not answer.

It was the head of the organization - he said it had been a long process, btu I had come out on top and they were offering me the job. All I could say was, really? I told him I was so pleased and excited. He had few details - they want it to start March 1. They have office space, but it's under construction (I would be the only person based in this location), and so not available til April 1, so could I work from home? And 20 hours per week, paid hourly. Really, it's perfect. Little man will be 14 weeks old on March 1. But otherwise, he had no details. My computer is acting up, so I asked if they would supply a computer or if I needed to use my own, and they will supply. There are no benefits, but that's fine right now.

At the end he said, well, I legally shouldn't ask this, btu how are things with the baby? Weird way to phrase it. If they're offering me the job they can certainly inquire politely, right? I just laughed and said things were good, he was up to 6 hours sleep at night, and 6 hours makes you human. He just laughed. So now I'm waiting for an official offer letter, which should contain more details.

Meanwhile, I've got this other interview out there. I was busy Thursday and Friday, so had suggested today, and we had scheduled for this afternoon. I've been trying to get into this other organization since I began this blog. But for where my life is right now, this part-time thing is really the best thing. Though, I have to say, watching our economy tank, and knowing the interview place pays well, a part of me wonders if I should go full time and try and save money. But full time is a tough road with an infant, and the part-time pay is enough to still contribute to savings, jsut not as much. I am going to call the interview and say I have an offer coming and see how they react. Without the actual offer in hand, though, I feel a little unsettled, you know? I really don't know how best to handle where things are now. Any ideas?

I GOT A JOB!

2009-01-28T18:00:00.002-05:00

WOHOOO!!!!!!!

The part-time gig called! After all the rigamarole and 5 months of waiting, they've offered me the job! Starting March 1!

I am soooooo relieved and pleased and happy. He said my references were stellar, they were so excited. Not many details, but WHEW. What a relief!

Remembering

2009-01-28T11:33:00.002-05:00

Thanks for the comments on the last post. Much food for thought.

But today, I'm just going to link to a post I did last year on this date. Today is the 87th anniversary of the Great Knickerbocker Snowstorm of 1922. This story has fascinated me all year, but I've not found anything new. If I was the historical-novel-writing kind of person, or any sort of historian, I'd think there'd be a book (fiction or non-fiction) in this story. Since I'm not, I'll just quietly remember.

struggles

2009-01-26T10:10:00.002-05:00

I've not written much lately about the state of the marriage. It's hard. I don't really know what to write. On the surface, day to day, we seem perfectly normal. I smile, we hang out, we're parenting together. And underneath it all I struggle.

My husband had a counseling appointment last week, and over dinner I asked him how it went, and what he discussed. Mostly his family, not surprisingly (his counselor: you know they're not normal, right?). I asked if he talked about us, and he said a little, but not much.

I said, I think you think we're on track and I'm over everything (code word for his infidelity). He replied, well, with so much else going on (code: the no-job stress) I figured it's just on your back burner. I just shook my head. It's on the front burner.

It's always on the front burner. I think about it every day, and I don't know how to "get over it."

I've been trying, objectively, to think about why infidelity is so debilitating. What is it about the situation that is so incredibly hurtful. I think if I knew, maybe I could help to heal. But I can't put my finger on it. I think it comes down to betrayal, though I can't define what that really means. I was betrayed by the one person I should be able to count on. So now, when we have any sort of disagreement (normal marital disagreements that come along with a toddler and newborn), my first thought is, remember, you can't count on him.

I don't even know how to put into words how I feel, or what I think. You know there are all these studies and pop culture anecdotes about how men and women react differently to whatever. How men just move on, and women want to rehash every little thing. I have so many unresolved feelings, and somehow my husband ended the relationship, quit his job, left behind good friends, and never looks back. Is it really possible he never looks back?

You could say we're following the time heals all wounds theory. Enough time passes, life goes on, and the pain/betrayal recedes into the background.

I think this is all I can type today about it, but there's more. I'm thinking about going to see the movie Revolutionary Road, which I know is (at least partially) struggles in marriage, and banality, and life. I want to live a meaningful life. I don't want to just go along. Have you seen the movie? Should I see it, or avoid it?

fortune cookie

2009-01-24T22:00:00.002-05:00

So my fortune cookie tonight read:

Don't be too hasty, prosperity will knock on your door soon.

Boy I hope so.

more work ups and downs

2009-01-22T21:29:00.002-05:00

Whew. Friday was spent on the phone/e-mail. I heard all about the part-time gig.

Here's the rub. Let's pretend this job is teaching astronauts - teaching them some background science for their experiments. But I've never been an astronaut. Does that disqualify me from teaching them? I'm not teaching them to be better astronauts, or teaching them about being an astronaut. I'd be teaching them about my expertise.

When they interviewed me in September, I was head and shoulders above anyone else. Which made them worry they hadn't hit the right people with the position description. So they re-advertised and found some former astronauts. Who do not have a background in the background science.

So, some people in the organization think they want someone who knows the science and can teach it. Other people think they want a former astronaut, who can bond with the new astronauts. One of my references said to them - would you rather have someone you know (whichBox), who knows your stuff cold and who can learn to navigate the world of the astronauts, or do you want an astronaut who has to learn all your science?

I hope this extended analogy is working.

One of my references is a former 'astronaut.' He's the one reference I was least sure of - we'd worked together, but I really didn't know what he might say. I talked to him, too Friday and he said they asked him about the need to be a former astronaut, and he told me that he told them it did'nt matter.

So, done everything I can do. It's all up to them. I'm kinda curious what they will choose, to be honest. And I still want that part-time job.

Anyway, earlier in the week i had applied for another job, with the organization that totally blew me off this past summer. I interviewed for a job and never heard back from them. And I interviewed with someone I knew personally, and still to this day have not heard a word. Anyway, new position, in a slightly different area than my background. It's a brand-new project, just starting out. The head guy called me Friday afternoon and said he'd had a few applicants but wasn't excited about any of them, then saw my application, and my background was perfect and I was a known quantity to so many people there....we talked for 30 minutes, and I thought it was all good. He e-mailed me a background paper on them, and suggested we talk next steps this week. So I spent the weekend excited, but worried it was all going so fast and did I really want a job to start right away, etc etc.

So I e-mailed him Tuesday and said ok, let's talk, and he replied he would get back to me. What? Wasn't this guy all fired up on Friday? What happened? Sudden paranoia that maybe I was being sabotaged by someone in the organization. I am good at what I do, but no one is perfect. I have my flaws. And I worked for a competitor company a few years ago, is there a lingering issue I don't know about?

As I was typing this the guy e-mailed me - his week has gotten away from him, can we talk tomorrow or next week? Ok. Whew. I just wrote him back and said it sounded like he needed some help and I was around, anytime was fine.

Oh, and get this. The head person of the parttime job? I think, based on what my contacts said, that he's the one who doesn't think I'm right for them. And guess what? He is on the advisory board of this new project. Small world.

Anyway. Back to my analogy. What do you think? If you've never been an astronaut, can you teach astronauts?

frustrating

2009-01-16T11:57:00.002-05:00

I'm so all over the place when it comes to working. The little man is only 7 weeks old, so it's difficult to think of going back to work. But my nanny is so ready to take over (and have me out of the house). We need to sit down with her in the next week and give her an annual review and raise, and then say, but....if WhichBox doesn't get a job in the next 8 weeks, we'll have to let you go. Boy, that's going to be fun.

I told my husband I want a job that starts in mid-March, but I want to know I have it now, so that I can enjoy myself and these precious weeks at home. Not going to happen.

And I'm not enjoying myself, because I'm ramping up networking and job hunting. Searching and applying for jobs during naps, in between breaks. When I want to go to the afternoon movies and nurse while catching up on the latest releases. Or, when it's not freezing cold, walk off some of this weight. Or shop. Or cook. Or have lunch with friends/colleagues.

So, the part-time gig. I'm too burnt out on it to link to past stories about it. Basically, applied in August, interviewed in September. They asked for references in December. And they're calling references now. They told one of my people they were deciding between 4 candidates. FOUR. Who calls 4 sets of references? I am so up and down with them. I hear a tidbit and think oh, good, I will get it. I hear another - like this 4 candidate thing - and think, ok, there's no way, I need to move on. They're calling a good friend of mine today, so hopefully I'll hear more. And just conclusive - either way. Now I'm worried I didn't give them good enough references. One of their Board members agreed to be a reference, but he and I haven't worked together for 4 years. A colleague from my last full time job, but I don't entirely know what he will say. He asked for talking points, and we worked well together, and I know he's a loyal and supportive colleague. But I have no idea what type of reference he gives - will it be good enough? And then 2 people, former colleagues, who are good friends. But neither can speak directly to the core business, just to how I am and how I think and work. Aiyiyi. Now I'm stressing myself out. Oh well, it is what it is.

But seriously, this is why it's hard to re-enter the workforce. References grow stale with time. I'm really struggling with references for everything.

My friend/former colleague told me about a couple of other possibilities and told me to contact another colleague about them, and that went well. We'll talk next week about a new job in her company about to be posted for which I'd be 'perfect' (her words).

The phone interview from last week went well, I thought, and ended with the recruiter saying OK, I'm going to forward your resume and my notes along and recommend you be interviewed for the position. But it's been a week and I haven't heard anything more.

Stress, stress, STRESSSSSSSS. I would like to be more calm, to be more centered, to have more faith, to be more methodical - if I take these steps - contact former colleagues, network, let more people know I am looking - something will work out. It should. I should have faith. But losing the last job, the way it happened (here and here)....... well, it eats at your self confidence.

I need to go for a walk and get this nervous energy out, but it is literally 10 degrees outside. Perhaps the grocery store is the best alternative. When it's too cold to be outside (and this is too cold! I am a weather wimp), and you're bouncing off the walls, how to you burn off that energy?

bookends

2009-01-15T10:15:00.002-05:00

Sometime after midnight, my stats showed I'd had over 40,000 page loads over the lifetime of this blog. Also in the middle of the night, I clicked around and saw Niobe's news that she is taking a break. Two big milestones, for me.

I understand Niobe's break, I think. I started reading her soon after she started blogging, when I was in the pit of my own baby loss misery. It's not an exaggeration to say she was a lifeline at that time. I devoured each post, each word, each picture. And when my life really went to hell in a handbasket, she was a support. Despite the hints and clues she divulged in her blog, dead baby jokes has always been about baby loss, and now, with baby born, I can imagine it's hard for her to know how to continue. Of course the community she's created is cheering her on and (at least in my case) wants to know more, to continue to follow along, but given what dead baby jokes is and is not, it's hard to imagine how it might transition. I hope it does. But I also know from first-hand experience it's difficult to blog in the first weeks of new baby land. And, poetically, it is like bookends right now - from loss to gain. Not that this baby changes the loss, or ends the loss, but the game has changed. I hope this break is temporary. What she's been able to do, more than most others, is create comnmunity. I've gotten into several conversations in her comments, and met more new blogs through her than almost any other way.

When I first posted about Mel being in the running for the Weblog awards (she won btw! yay!), I checked out the other categories, and noticed size as a differential. Small blog, large blog - determined by Technorati authority. I don't usually pay much attention to stats and ranks and things, but every once in a while it piques my curiosity. And I checked my own authority - 15. I'm in the top 400,000 blogs. When I first started, I was in the top 2.5 million. And then I checked a few others. Of all the baby loss blogs I checked (not many), Niobe was the only one with an authority over 50.

I think a lot about why I blog. Early on, I desperately needed the outlet. I was telling another blogger last week that I hadn't made the leap into forming real life relationships out of blogging. Partly it's a time issue - squeezingout blogging in the margins. Partly it's an anonymity issue - how can I integrate blogging friends into my whole life? And that's WhichBox talking, completely - categorizing my life, putting groups of people and activities into different boxes and never the 'twain shall meet. My husband knows about the blog, and knows I share deeply personal things, and I know it makes him a bit unsettled, and so I tend to keep it all to myself. When we talk about his parents, I often use suggestions or examples from comments, but I never say someone from blogland suggested...

I sometimes think about opening up more, letting real life friends know about this blog. And for now, that might be ok. But there's those archives over there on the right, with a hell of a lot of vulnerability and pain and anguish in the beginning. And I can't be that vulnerable with people I know. And while lately I've stayed on the job or the in-laws, there's more personal stuff to share. More on marriage and family and life. So private I remain.

As this little blog has grown - from miniscule to tiny - I've made a few, tentative connections. My personal nature is to reach out, to make friends, to create community. That's why this place I'm in now in blogland feels odd to me. While I'm shy, I'm also gregarious at the same time. Blogher sounds fun. Meet ups sound fun. Connections, calls, e-mails....in real life, I'm the person pushing for all of that to happen in new groups. I'm the happy hour organizer at work. The reunion planner from high school. As I've gotten older, it's tapered off, I've withdrawn more into myself. I no longer can chat on the phone, actually. I like my alone time. Sometimes I think I like being the organizer because then, at the event, you can stand separate and just watch. And so with my college friends, I've consciously stepped back. Become just a participant. Tried to enjoy just being in the group, quietly. A new role.

So. That's a little more about me. Standing on the edges, wondering how/if/when to really dive in. We'll see. Maybe.

How do you reach out? Have you formed real life relationships via blogging? Why do you blog?

Worries

2009-01-14T11:45:00.003-05:00

Did the toxic stew of worry, regret and pain have some sort of impact on my little guy in the womb?

Did a scheduled c-section result in breathing issues for him?

Is dairy in my diet causing digestive problems?

Could he have reflux?

"Look at his left eye - see how sometimes it doesn't seem to track properly?" Could he have Dr. Google-diagnosed amblyopia?

Our daughter laughed at 5 weeks. With a lot of coaxing, sometimes, we can get a few smiles, at now 7 weeks. Could that be an early indication of something ominous?

What's that dry patch on his forehead?

--
Hey, in other news, did I tell you all that at my 6 week post-partum check up the doctor cleared me for another pregnancy, if we wanted?

Ha ha ha.

eyeroll

2009-01-12T19:57:00.003-05:00

Oh for Pete's sake. The in-laws made a small reappearance. In December, my MIL sent my husband an e-mail essentially saying she was done with us. I wrote about it here and here. Here's the thing about my husband - inertia goes a long way with him. He never responded to the e-mail, nor has he done anything about the returned Christmas presents. (Since we're so in the realm of the absurd with them, I have to say I loved that post made readers de-lurk. Yes, it was that shocking to cause non comment-ers to comment!). He hasn't done anything cause he's not sure what to do, but also life sort of takes off, you know? There's not much time to deal with the drama.

Laura almost nailed it in her comment on this post - they are the ones who feed off the drama. And yeah, when we don't respond, it tends to get to them. So last night husband is checking his personal e-mail account and starts shaking his head. His mother resent the December e-mail. I guess she thinks an e-mail that says we're done with you followed by a cold-hearted returning of presents doesn't really mean they are done? She wants to engage? Ridiculous. She sends an e-mai lsaying don't contact us, then resends it when we don't contact her? She is really the most emotionally immature person I have ever met.

(BTW, the head cold seems a little better today. Maybe we had the worst of it over the weekend. I hope so. Thanks for the ideas, I will definitely try a few new tricks.)