Thursday, August 5, 2010


Well. It's been a while. Don't mind me, just puttering around here, doing a little tidying, picking up. When you leave unexpectedly, there's always a lot left undone.

I didn't intend to be gone so long. But when you go away, and stay away, it gets harder and harder to come back. I read everyone regularly for a long while, but then that slowed. Now I make the rounds every two weeks or so, leaving no comments. So I've missed a lot, and I'm sorry I haven't commented. I have grieved, and rejoiced, with you all. I have. The blogsphere has continued without me - marriages, pregnancies, babies, losses. New blogs, goodbyes. It all continues.

Me? Thanks for asking. I've had my ups and downs.

I was feeling a little sad and unsettled earlier this week and couldn't figure out why. My anniversary is Saturday, but upon reflection, that wasn't bothering me. I was surprised, though, that I had to remember that today, August 5, is a Date. A Milestone. Don't misunderstand me - I have the most perfect 20 month old son, and I a grateful for him every day. I love him with all my heart and he is a joy. And he would not be here if his older brother had been born three years ago today, or more likely a few days later. And I rarely think of him, or the pregnancy, and he's never talked about. And that is, for the most part, ok. But that doesn't mean that I don't miss him, or what might have been in another lifetime or parallel universe. That is not my universe, and that is mostly ok. Not entirely ok, but given all I have today, it.....well. It is what it is. It's my past, and even though it is not my present, or my future, it is there. So unsettled, this week, should not surprise me, but yet it managed to sneak up on me.

I don't know if I am back. But I needed, today, to open the windows and let some air in and get the musty smell out. I'll close it back up, slightly more carefully this time, and consider what happens to this space.

Take care.