dwindling

Two and a half years ago, my parents were visiting and my husband and I went out for drinks. It was a few months after babyloss, and I was floundering.

Maybe a bar isn't the best place to have this conversation, but I tried, "I think there's something wrong, I think this has impacted me far more than I thought, [big gulp of air] IthinkIamdepressed."

I've never had clinical depression, I've never taken medication, I'm a pick yourself up dust yourself off kind of person (and I know how obnoxious that sounds to someone who has or has experienced clinical depression, you can't just will yourself out of it). But the darkness was not lifting, and was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. This was a huge thing - a vulnerability - for me to admit.

"Yeah, it's hit me hard too, it really was something, huh," was my husband's response, as his eyes flicked around the bar, at the TV, at other people, at just being out and about.

So I dropped it, and it took a few more months but the darkness did finally fade, and I could focus on the future and planning with just a few periods of sadness, if there was some sort of reminder, but oops! My husband had already moved on, found a colleague who was fun and understanding and I guess most importantly, not me, no history, nothing complicated.

You read the mommy magazines and mommy blogs and it's a common complaint - your needs are subsumed by everyone else's. You're the one who does the million and one things to keep things running smoothly and create a life for your family. My husband is an incredibly invovled dad. He does a ton for the kids. But there are times I just want someone to think about me. Where am I in all of this?

There's been a variety of creeping cruds in our house the past few weeks, and I've managed to miss all of it. So I've done the runs to pick up medicine, taken the burden of much of the middle of the night wakings, the doctor visits, the jello, the lot of it.

And now this week is our oldest child's birthday, and there was planning for a birthday party. We did a joint party yesterday with a neighbor whose daughter has the same birthday, and her husband was completely absent. My neighbor exudes loneliness, and we never see her husband, and so I asked and he works long hours on a late shift - til 10 pm most nights. So, a stay at home mom, she does all the heavy lifting of parenting. And I think how spoiled I am, how much he does, how I have good childcare, how I have time for myself.

But still. Days I'm tired, he's so exhausted he can't keep his eyes open. Days I have a work issue, his colleagues are idiots who are going to screw up their entire important project. And so it goes. It is never just about me. I think, in general, this is a common complaint in the male/female dynamic.

And now the crud has finally crept my way, so my head is heavy and I'm trying hard to tie a bunch of threads together in this post and it's not quite working. And there are cupcakes to make and presents to wrap and a last minute present to pick up and just all the extras to think about to make a 4 year old feel special. And I am tired. I think the biggest lesson of the past two years for me was that ultimately, I can only count on myself. And when I am physically tired, that makes me feel sad, but at the same time, keeps me going. So it's off to finish up birthday prep, after a nap. I need it.

Time heals all?

Thanks for the well wishes. It was....nice. Flowers showed up at the door, dinner was delicious, we talked about our favorite memories from that day and from the honeymoon. All in all, it was what it should have been.

Though I do wonder, does anyone actually get that diamond anniversary band? Kidding! But come on, I like shiny pretty things as much as the next girl.

So did anyone see this in the NY Times? Happily (so she thinks) married woman's husband tells her he doesn't love her anymore and wants out and she.....ignores him. Gives him space. Lets him work it out until, 4 months later, he's back in the family fold (upon which there are lots of hard talks and working things out, it's not as simple as it appears). Fascinating. It's essentially the same advice in the various prevent divorce books (divorce busting, etc), and mirrors other advice I've received or read. And it, sort of, is the strategy that worked for me, too, except I was more in his face about it than is recommended.

I don't know how sustainable my marriage is over the long term. But the truth of the matter is no one really knows for sure, either. It is what it is, for now. I do know there is a deep and lasting scar, and I don't know if we'll transcend it. I don't think, right now, it's healed particularly well. But it is definitely still in the healing phase.

10

Long time readers (hello-ooo-oooo? Anyone still there??) may recall that my wedding anniversary is this month. Tomorrow, in fact. Ten years.

Which means that yesterday was another anniversary of a date that never was. And I'm just realizing I didn't spend any time yesterday thinking about the baby who wasn't here, who might have turned two yesterday in another universe, though in yet another universe we might have celebrated a birth followed, at some point, by a death due to the myriad of problems this baby would have had, had he survived to be born.

Two years is some sort of a marker in grief time. Far enough out that it's become an event of the past. Life has changed and other events have overtaken.

Last year, during this week, I was a mess. A weepy mess, a pregnant woman who took to her bed not from any doctor's orders, but just from crushing pain. One year out and crying every day, multiple times a day, beaten down but not yet out. It's hard now to remember it all, to remember the intensity. Two years out is a different place.

I bought a card. We're going out to dinner tomorrow night. I wonder what he will want tomorrow to mean. How am I supposed to view this anniversary? I rejected so many cards. I swear this has to be a business model for simple cards that just say Happy Anniversary and not much else. That skip the poem and flowery crap. Even in the best of circumstances I'm a pretty straightforward gal. And these still aren't the best of circumstances.

We honeymooned in Nova Scotia. Given various family schedules, we sort of had to schedule the wedding for August, even though I dreaded the heat. So we wanted a honeymoon someplace new, different, that was a little cool. It was a great vacation, and we talked about how fun it would be to repeat it for our tenth year. Earlier this summer, actually, my husband brought that up, but it was just impossible given finances, obligations, kids. Maybe someday we'll go back.

Where was your honeymoon? If you've been married that long, did you do anything special for ten years?

Turn around

We have my daughter enrolled for the second year in a summer co-op pre-school, which means it's organized and staffed by parents, generally the moms. I've gotten to know a few of the moms over the past two years, though haven't made the leap to outside of school connections. There's one mom though I've always liked. She was diagnosed with thyroid cancer this spring and had an operation just before summer started. She seems to be doing ok with recovery. I like her because she's open and honest and direct and common-sensical. She calls it like she sees it, and we generally see things the same way.

One day a couple of weeks ago we were the two parents moving the kids to the gym area and as the kids ran ahead and started to play we were chatting about stuff in general when suddenly talked turned to life. She said, it's just been a really rough time, lost a pregnancy last spring, husband quit his stable job to open his own startup, economy collapses and his business is failing, I've not worked in 4 years and have to find work now, cancer, always thought I'd have three kids and now once things are back on track we'll look into adopting, I'm just so angry all of the time - so angry - and I'm taking it out on him for everything. Jsut a rough time.

I did those general female support things, nodded, made appropriate mummurs of empathy, etc. While inside I was blown away - by her honestly, by her matter of factness in reciting this litany of crap. And then the moment passed, and the kids demanded our attention, and I just filed it away.

And the next week her kid developed pneumonia and was hospitalized (though it was not too serious, her son just required oxygen support for a few days). I sent her an e-mail, replying to the news, and said it really seemed like she was in the shitstorm, and I had been though my own period of crap - one that lasted almost two years. I ran through the list- lost baby, marital problems, lost a job, money worries, family illness, family issues, etc (though was very careful to word in such a way that I wasn't comparing and certainly nothing like fighting cncer in the middle of it all - I imagine a cancer survivor is sensitive to "I know just what you're going through, I stubbed my toe last week!"). She wrote a nice note back from the hospital room thanking me for sharing, and I wrote her back saying I think everyone goes throuh their own various hellish periods, and the more we're honest about life sometimes sucking, the easier it is to get support during those times.

So, who knows. Maybe a new friendship is emerging. But, I tell this overly long story for a few reasons. As always, you never know what others are going through. I do think honesty begets honesty (at some level). After all, my litany of crap was heavily edited. Left out the crazy inlaws, the infidelity, the divorce lawyer consulted, the huge sums of money spent on counseling, the firing, the lawyers, the stress. You can't look from the outside and presume to know what's happening in a family. From the outside, heck, other than my obvious weight problem, I look pretty darn good, too. Two kids, a good job, supportive husband, fun activities. You don't see the scars or damage below the surface.

But, it also made me think, as I was typing out this sanitized version of the great shitstorm of '07, what were the parameters of this shitstorm? And when did it end? 'Cause, much to my surprise, I realized it did end. It felt endless when in the middle of it, and without a doubt there are lingering effects, but if something bad were to happen now, it'll be a new bad thing - no longer a continuation of what started in early '07. It didn't end with the birth in November. Those first early baby days were hard. The little guy settling down and getting on a schedule and us all adjusting to his presence helped turn the corner. (oh lord, am I totally jinxing myself even typing this? Am I asking for trouble?). Getting the call of this new job, and starting the job, and having positive feedback I was a valuable member of the team - that's really what helped set my ship a little straighter in the water. Life isn't perfect. But it's a whole heck of a lot better than it was a year ago. Or two years ago. Oh, there are plently of things out there to knock me off course - the ever present inlaw issue. The Marriage and What To Do about our issues. Plenty of other shoes that could drop. New things to constantly worry about. PLENTY.

I feel like I'm emerging, blinking, from the darkness. And that, for now, is good. A fragile good, but good nonetheless. For now. I can't - and won't - stop caveating. More than anything, I think, surviving a shitstorm teaches you to be humble. There's not much that keeps me or anyone from the bad.

categorically

So, here I am. I did finally get off my butt and write to Mel, and though she told me she doesn't usually start a category with only one blog, she could see the value, and she created a brand new category of which I am the only member. Awesome. And I mean that positively and sarcastically.

I looked over my latest posts, and I've been better about writing more often, but what I'm not writing about is my marriage. My communications problem in relationships is that I shut down when upset. I give 'the silent treatment.' Which is apparently one of the worst ways of communicating, all about power and just an awful way to treat your partner. According to a myriad of well paid counselors and experts. I go silent because inside I am screaming I hate you I hate this we never should have gotten married this is all a mistake I hate I hate I hate. And I think I can't say those things, so I wait it out until the drumbeat wears itself out and I can think rationally and I remember I don't really entirely hate everything and let's talk things through and figure a way forward. In my mind, this does not feel like a power trip or an awful way to treat my partner, but like a way to be nicer - to let the emotion burn out and then talk.

Hmm, where I wanted to go with this post is not where it's going. I've been giving the blog the siltent treatment on my marriage lately, except it's not because I hate the blog, it's because. Well, I don't know. We had a bad period a little bit ago. A really bad time. A time where I said I understand why you had the affair because believe me, if someone would just be nice to me and listen to me and support me and just generally treat me as if I were a valuable, worthy person, I'd leave you in a heartbeat. A time where I said maybe it was time to end this farce and just move on with our lives. A time where I said I just didn't care anymore, I was totally checked out. And he said, he wouldn't let me check out because the stakes were too high. It was too important. And I said he had no right - no right - to get on his high horse now. Too bad he didn't take the moral high ground before having the affair.

So, I agreed to look for yet ANOTHER new counselor. And I honestly can't remember when this was because the past weeks have been a blur of no sleep and colds and runny noses and no sleep and did I mention no sleep?

But, since then, despite the no sleep, things have been better. He is trying and paying attention and not just working working working, and I feel better having said some of it out loud. And the real point of this was I had lunch with a blunt friend yesterday and we were talking kids and I admitted I love the thought of three kids and she flat out asked (and it was fine she did so) if my marriage would survive a third and I said no. Kids are awesome and great and even with the heartache and effort to bring them into this world, I can still admit they are freaking hard work. And did I mention no sleep?

So yesterday morning I said to my husband maybe it is time to get the big-ass swing out of our room, since the not so little guy (20 pounds! at 6 months!) has outgrown it and he said yes and I said what should we do with it (loaded question - sell it since there are no more babies to be made?) and he said stick it in the attic. So yes, we'll stick it in the attic. For now.

What kind of fighter are you? The silent treatment? The screamer? The avoider?

pop culture

I finished a book last night that had themes of marriages ending, infidelity, and other happy, cheery topics often found in chick lit. One of my favorite light authors (Jane Green), I picked the book up for a release, and read parts with just a sick feeling in my stomach. And yet, despite consciously thinking I should stop reading, I kept plowing through.

In my experience, infidelity in popular culture bears not even a passing resemblance to real life. Maybe because TV or movie formats don't allow for subtlety - it's black and white people split up after infidelity, or the woman is a passive stand by your man kind of thing. There's rarely the gut wrenching day in day out of recovering and moving along.

I once, years ago, read a pop psychology book about marriages, and there was a section on infidelity. A wife was quoted as saying she cried every day for two years after discovering her husband's infidelity, but they did work it out and were still together. But the breach in trust was incredibly deep and long lasting. Crying every day for two years. That's stayed with me. I remember re-reading that one line, and concluding this wasn't exaggeration. This woman actually did cry every day for two years. So here I am. Not crying every day, but there are rough days. Odd reminders, twinges of bad feelings, words that trigger a memory. A book, a TV show, both for pure escapism, but not escaping at all from life.

Throwing things at the TV while watching Private Practice.

Is there anything in pop culture that hits too close to home for you? And yet you still watch, or read, or listen?

A week

A week since posting. Where does the time go?

Last night I had a dream - one of those where you're semi-half awake and know it's a dream, yet it keeps playing out in your mind. I dreamt my husband and I were in the kitchen, talking. He was about to leave, to go to his new girlfriend's house. He had just bought a chainsaw, and said, 'oh, I'm going to take this home with me.' At the word home, my heart just sank, hearing him call another place home. He saw that on my face, and quickly said oh, I mean Rebecca's. (I think we were separated, but I wasn't supposed to know he was living with Rebecca, who is a good friend and former work colleague who is quite happily married and lives a million miles from here in real life). Then things shifted a bit and I knew he and Rebecca were trying to conceive, and I asked him how it was going. Not great, he replied, but she is already nesting, the house is spotless. And I had that hollow empty feeling in my chest again, looking around at how messy my counters were (in reality I might be cluttered but my counters are clean). But I smiled and nodded and asked more questions and pretended I wasn't hurting. I finally shook awake, still remembering that pit of despair feeling in my body. The cat was tucked under my arm, and my husband was holding me close. But I was annoyed at his closeness, still thinking of how easily and unintentionally a casual remark could sting.
--
Tonight we are going to a reception sponsored by one of my alumni groups. I arranged for the nanny to come late today and stay late so we can head out for a no extra babysitting fee night out. When I start part-time work, I've been thinking about once every two weeks or so having the nanny's hour shift like that so we can have one on one time. I said to my husband though - wait, I get extra kid time (a blessing and a bane with a willful 3 year old and on-demand breastfed baby), while you get a night out.
--
A couple of nights ago he walked in after work and said, I love you. We don't often say it to each other, so I was surprised - to what do I owe the occasion? He had heard on the radio while driving a piece on how some relationships don't include saying I love you, featuring a man who had been married 12 years and never once heard his wife say it, another woman who hadn't heard it since their wedding day three years before. The takeaway as relationships were healthier when it was said out loud with some regularity. We should try it, he said. And the three year old chimed in, wait - I LOVE YOU, Mommy and Daddy. It comes easily to her.
--
I've been making my husband laugh lately. I can feel him smile at me and radiate contentment. These are things you know. I don't think he remotely can tell how I am feeling.
--
I went to dinner last week with some friends, and we talked about another friend who has had some troubles with au pair arrangements. There was a time I had thought we were an au pair-type family and would likely go that route. But I had told my friends - and husband - last fall no au pair anytime soon. I wasn't ready to have a 20-something living under my roof, especially if there was any chance she was remotely attractive and liked to party. One of my friends said last week, oh, but you don't think anything would happen now, do you? Hell yeah, I do, I replied. I can see it now - she'd be lonely and bored and want to go out and my husband would suggest, oh, I'll just show her around to a few places and the next thing you know..........stupid and ridiculous, I know. And I do believe unlikely, but not impossible. So no au pair for a while, if ever.

A week in a marriage.

struggles

I've not written much lately about the state of the marriage. It's hard. I don't really know what to write. On the surface, day to day, we seem perfectly normal. I smile, we hang out, we're parenting together. And underneath it all I struggle.

My husband had a counseling appointment last week, and over dinner I asked him how it went, and what he discussed. Mostly his family, not surprisingly (his counselor: you know they're not normal, right?). I asked if he talked about us, and he said a little, but not much.

I said, I think you think we're on track and I'm over everything (code word for his infidelity). He replied, well, with so much else going on (code: the no-job stress) I figured it's just on your back burner. I just shook my head. It's on the front burner.

It's always on the front burner. I think about it every day, and I don't know how to "get over it."

I've been trying, objectively, to think about why infidelity is so debilitating. What is it about the situation that is so incredibly hurtful. I think if I knew, maybe I could help to heal. But I can't put my finger on it. I think it comes down to betrayal, though I can't define what that really means. I was betrayed by the one person I should be able to count on. So now, when we have any sort of disagreement (normal marital disagreements that come along with a toddler and newborn), my first thought is, remember, you can't count on him.

I don't even know how to put into words how I feel, or what I think. You know there are all these studies and pop culture anecdotes about how men and women react differently to whatever. How men just move on, and women want to rehash every little thing. I have so many unresolved feelings, and somehow my husband ended the relationship, quit his job, left behind good friends, and never looks back. Is it really possible he never looks back?

You could say we're following the time heals all wounds theory. Enough time passes, life goes on, and the pain/betrayal recedes into the background.

I think this is all I can type today about it, but there's more. I'm thinking about going to see the movie Revolutionary Road, which I know is (at least partially) struggles in marriage, and banality, and life. I want to live a meaningful life. I don't want to just go along. Have you seen the movie? Should I see it, or avoid it?

In with the new

I have a bunch to catch up on (the baptism was fine, btw), but I remembered that when I turned 40 in August, I typed out some year 40 resolutions. So I just went back and checked them. Since it's the beginning of the year, and 1/3 of the way through my 40th (or is it 41st?) year, thought I'd see how I was doing.

1. More toned. I've made zero progress. Absolutely zip. And those two pounds I reported last week? Turns out a diet of mint M&Ms (mmmm, holiday mint M&Ms are THE BEST) will put two pounds on you. But seriously, I really do want some arm strength. So my plan is on Monday, when my husband goes back to work and my parents leave and real life starts back up (we've definitely been in an interlude these past 5 weeks), I'm going to sart with weight exercises, and also next week ramp up my walking with the little guy. My boots fit on my left calf, but my right calf is still too big, but not by too much. I might just fit into tall boots this winter.

2. Marriage. Sigh. I could type a novel. But I like what I typed back in August - either happily married or happily not. We were in joint counseling when I was pregnant, and it helped. I need that third person there to be able to share what I'm thinking. There are some great things about my husband and our life together. There are also some incredibly crappy things, not even considering moving past infidelity. I am still so hurt - and so angry. I really don't know how this one will turn out.

3. Out of debt and working. I still have that part-time job possibility. They said they'd call references next week. They also told me the contract amount, and it's decent. Decent enough to continue to live frugally, slowly pay off debt, finish smallish, neccessary house projects, and maybe, just maybe build up some savings. Or at least go on a small vacation. Otherwise, next week I also start back the networking and job applying thing. I have a handful of jobs for which to apply, and there's just been no time. Next week when the house is quiet (relatively).

4. Organized. I spent a lot of the fall decluttering. We threw out a ton, donated another ton. There is now a playroom in the basement, where before it was crammed full of old crap. The front bedroom was also cleaned out. In the next month or so we'll transition my daughter out of her small room into a bigger bedroom, and eventually the little man will be out of our room into the small nursery room. The attic office needs some painting and needs furniture. Painting could happen this spring, furniture depends on the job.

If I was grading myself, I'd have to be a tough grader and give myself a C. Some real progress, but some things not started, some still unknown. Despite grade inflation, a C is not bad. The only thing about my list is it's so typical, lose weight, get in shape, get organized. Not an original thought on the list, and certainly, as typed out here, too vague to be useful. For myself, I'll make these more concrete and achievable and will have to report back, hmm, April? 2/3 of the way through my 40th year.

I think I'll add to this list get my blogging life in order. There's just been no time - no quiet time - to post, or comment, or organize the blog. I appreciate the comments and want to get out into blogland more this year.

So, are you a resolution maker? The usual, or something more unusual?

hot topics

It appears weight is a hot button topic for many, not that that should be a surprise. The thing is, in real life, I almost never talk about it. When I was in my 20s and young 30s, I never, ever talked about my weight. Other women my age were skinny and would gripe about (non-existant) body flaws and I would stay mum, since carrying 20-30 extra pounds speaks for itself. But now that I've reached a certain age and had two kids (and two more relatively short pregnancies) and so has everyone else my age, my shape isn't that far from normal, so I can be someone who gripes with women friends about getting my old body back. Except I don't really want my old body, either. But antigone hit it on the head - for me, it's really about feeling better, stronger, healthier in my body. I want to chase my children around on the playground and not be too tired or too out of breath. (as I was much of the pregnancy). Though there is a part of me that is vain and wants to wear my old clothes. Or maybe that's the broke part of me, who doesn't want (and can't right now) purchase a bunch of stuff!

But, in the of course category, the weight had been magically melting off, and as soon as I published the last post, the melting stopped. I'm hovering around 187 or so. I fit into my old jeans, but barely. I really need to get 15 pounds off to have my wardrobe open to me again, and I really don't want to buy anything large right now. So, I still wear those army green maternity pants. I really, really hate them.

-------

In other news - my husband is seeing his counselor again tonight, having last seen her two weeks ago, to talk about the latest missive from his lovely mother. I finially did read the email - it was as disjointed and illogical as you might expect, and not worth typing out. She's delusional, and the queen of it's all about her. At one point she said how hurtful it was my husband called the day of the delivery, as if the date wasn't embedded in her mind. How dare he care to intentionally hurt her with the reminder her grandson, whom she couldn't see because it was too painful for her, was to be born that day.

I mean really. What is there to say to that. My husband told me about his counseling appointment that night -counselor said, look, their pathology runs deep and you're not going to change them. Perhaps with family counseling, with a highly trained counselor, they might understand how they hurt us. But otherwise, it's worked for them for 60+ years, and they're not gonig to change. Especially when their behavior is tolerated by so many others in the family.

Counselor also told my husand that while he was welcome to come and talk to her about all this, he'd do a lot better talking to me about it. I agreed, there was a pause, and he said, but I dont' know how to do that. I asked why, and he said do you want to hear I look at my son and my eyes well up with tears thinknig about my parents and especially my dad? Or that I think about this all the time, trying to think of a resolution?

I told him I knew this was hard on him, and of course it should be hard. It's hard to be rejected by people you love.

The thing is, what I did not say, is that their rejection of him is so tied in my mind to their rejection of me, and that's integrally tied to his rejection of me. It hurts me, too, though for totally different reasons.

I've thought about printing out some comments I've received here from others with family estrangements. Cause while I am perfectly happy walking away from these hateful people, he is not yet there. He's seeing his counselor again tonight, so we'll see what that brings.

Meanwhile, we've just sent the birth announcements out, and are prepping for the baptism on the 28th. He's going to call his sister and ask her if she will be godmother, but I think his sister wil say no. Bleah. I don't know what we'll do then.

I've told my husband I want to model the behavior we want to receive from his family, so we sent off a birthday present to his niece, and still have to go out and buy them all (modest!) presents. We've sent them the announcement, and will mail them a Christmas card and holiday package. Maybe I should not even be trying that little bit. I don't know. Because of course they might take it as everything has been swept under the rug and is perfectly fine now. That's the one place I won't go.

--

And one last tidbit - remember the job that wouldn't hire me, I surmised because of pregnancy? Part-time contract position? Well, they sent me an e-mail today asking for references! So maybe who knows. I have hope, but trying not to think about it too much. Applied for a government job yesterday (4 stinking hours on the application!), heard of a possibility yesterday, have a contract temp job to send in resume, have two other good contacts to follow up..........gotta make something happen in the New Year.

I want to think

But there's no time. I want my time back. Hahahahahaha. Seriously. I think very very soon I will really really miss my whole days of doing whatever I wanted to do. Which really wasn't much at all, I am sorry to admit.

My daughter is sick. We've had two nights of terribly interrupted sleep. We're 5 days away, and she's clingy and weepy and whiny because she is sick. I need to recognize sick has nothing to do with world changing in 4 days, but at the same time I worry about her clingy to me and how that won't be possible oh so soon. But she's sick NOW, and she needs me, so cling away, right? Besides, in 4 days, being up every two hours will be the norm, right?

My husband met with his counselor today and was glad he did so. Played her the voicemail from his dad, and asked if he had characterized it correctly. She agreed he had, and added, but the tone of voice.......so angry, so bitter, so mean.

Basically, from what I've gathered, she's said of course he's sad, and of course that's a normal reaction. He needs to know he'll never change them - the are who they are, and it works for
them. So what my husband has to decide (together with me) is what he's willing to deal with from them. Her only suggestion at this time was to call them, say he had gotten the message and understood they were making this decision, and it saddened him but was their decision. That he would call them when the baby came and give them the news, but that was all he could deal with right now.

Given that it's only 4 days away, the other option is just to call them with the news. I really wonder if they'll pick up or if they'll screen whatever calls he makes. I think screen, but what do I know about crazy? It's impossible to predict.

I pressed him a tiny bit on what he thought he wanted. And he just said, you know, I just can't think about it right now. I want to not deal with this.

So he has another appointment in two weeks, which is a good thing. He said the counselor told him, as he was walking out the door, you should thank your wife for encouraging you to come. You need this outlet.

I really need a few solid hours sleep tonight, that's what I really need. Run a few errands tomorrow morning, and who knows, I might actually get time in the afternoon for me.

hanging in

A week to go. I know every relationship struggles with big life changes. Our relationship is damaged enough that tough things have an impact. We talked it through today, I don't know if it'll help over these next few weeks but I hope so. He is trying. I am trying.

You know what is really, really good? Chocolate ice cream with pepsi. Good stuff.

Some days

Things just don't click. I don't know what it is, but I'm on the couch mad and frustrated by my husband. He's on the couch mad and frustrated at me. We've just been off kilter all day today. He's been in a bad mood, and I've had enough of his bad mood.

Sigh.

I thought it would be a while before we had a day like this. I thought it would be after baby, when we were exhausted and sleep deprived and on each other's nerves and my parents were hanging around and our daughter was acting up.

Bleah.

getting real

So last night we're watching TV and my husband looks at me and says, just think, in two weeks, we'll be sitting here with a whole new person in our midst!

If all goes as planned, and I have a c-section the 24th, the plan is to come home from the hospital on Thursday, Thanksgiving.

A whole new person. It's easy to forget, in waiting-for-baby-land, that it's just not a baby you're waiting for. It's a new person on the planet.

Sometimes when my husband (kiddingly) gives me a hard time about being tired or being slow, I'll say, hey, cut it out - it's hard work growing a brain, and I'd like to see you try.

Last year, in a counseling session in December, soon after he had made the decision that he wanted to work on our marriage, he said, you know, it's just hit me that there was supposed to be someone else here celebrating Christmas with us (meaning the baby lost in February of 2007, due August 2007). That our family isn't complete, and is missing someone.

I remember just turning to him open-mouthed in shock and anger. Well, hell, yeah. Wasn't that what the past 10 months had been all about? Somehow, during his "break" from our marriage, he had managed to forget all about the loss. Or just bury it so completely he never saw that my troubles had turned into our troubles had turned into his troubles had turned into him wanting to leave the marriage for something better (ie, not troubled). I remember that counseling session as the first one where I truly got angry.

And now here we are on the cusp of a new person entering our life. It doesn't negate the loss, of course not. But I......I don't know. I don't know how to write this so it makes sense. Everyone approaches loss differently. For me, there's an alternate history of what could have been - maybe some alternate universe where the baby was fine, we never separated, he never had an affair, I never left my old job, and never lost the new job, wasn't expecting a baby now. And here, now, there is what is. Expecting a new person any day now. Sitting in our living room, with a brand new person on the planet.

last session

Yesterday I had my last session with my counselor - well, last prior to baby, and likely for awhile. Though I imagine I'll want - and need - to pick it back up, those first few weeks/months might be filled with other things.

It's actually kinda fun, in a truly sick/bizarre way, to relay the in-law saga. It makes a good story, with lots of "and THEN" and "but wait, there's more" and "but the next day" type elements. And it really spirals out of control into nonsense, too, leaving most listeners agape. At my last mom's night out, I said, well, there's in-law news and all conversation ceased and one friend leaned in and said, great, I live for this! And, even here, my hits go up when I write about them.

So as with everyone else, the counselor was dumbfounded by the latest twists and turns. But of course, with her I was able to delve more into my husband and his reaction. It's been hurting him, without a doubt, and I've let him have space to work it out. But that space has been making me nervous. As the counselor said, he has a tendency to drift off a little too far. So we talked about it last night. He is most hurt by his father and unsure what happens next.

I hope his appointment next week helps.

getting some things done

Ok, my husband has an appointment with his counselor - but not until the 19th. At least he has one scheduled. I really do think he needs to talk this through, at least once.

And I had lunch with my former co-worker, and it was good to hear how dysfunctional that office continues to be. There are days I think I never should have left that stable job for a startup, look at where it's got me, but then I remember how much I hated my stable job and know things will (eventually) work out.

Tomorrow another OB appointment, to hear yet again no progress, no dropping, no dilation. I really see no need for internal exams every week at the end, but there you have it, that's what my practice does. And I should schedule another appointment with my counselor. But otherwise, a nice long nap this afternoon really helped.

Unlike last year, NaBloPoMo makes for very boring posts. I'll take boring right about now.

2 weeks

Tomorrow means the two week countdown begins. I have a c-section scheduled on the 24th. It's actually 2 days after my "official" due date, so there's a chance things may kick in earlier. I have a ton to do. Cleaning, organizing, getting things ready. Plus have to call my counselor and try and squeeze in another appointment. Lunch with a former co-worker to discuss jobs. E-mails to about 5 job contacts, to keep prospects alive these next few months. Getting my husband to his counselor to help him through rejection from his family.

Somehow those last 4 things don't really match up nicely with folding cute little onesies in freshly laundered piles, do they?

the gift that keeps on giving

Last night I had 'mom's night out' dinner with my mom's group. Nearly everyone has a second child or is currently pregnant. One of our friends just had her second, and the first born, who already has a strong personality, is not taking it well. One of my friends said, just think, for your child, it's just like your husband brings home another woman and tells you, I still love you, but I love her, too, and she's here to stay.

Ouch.

I just smiled and laughed along with everyone else.

peace?

Dora has it right - I am more at peace.

And Tash is spot on in her comments, too - a while ago I wrote I wished they'd just cross the line - be really horrible so we were more justified in cutting them off. So it's done. The cutting off is easy. They've done it. They've made the choice. And I'm 17 days away from giving birth, and I don't care a whit about them anymore.

I know it's not as easy for my husband, and I know it's not done for him. It's complicated with his siblings. I know he doesn't want to disconnect from them completely. I don't know what his mom will 'allow' with his siblings, nor how his siblings will react. We plan(ned) to ask his sister to be godmother, and I know my husband still wants that. She very well might say no. We don't have a easy substitution, no obvious female we'd ask. His brother and my sister are my daughter's godparents, and so we always planned his sister and my brother. It'll mean a lot to my brother. (And this is the ceremonial catholic godparents, not the who will raise my kids if I die style godparents).

My husband has not called the counselor yet, and I do think that's very important. I'll press that. But otherwise, it really is like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, except when I think of how my husband does not handle stuff very well. He's feeling a lot of stress in these pre-baby days - too much to do, too many costs, too many burdens, and jerk parents. We just have to make it through.

NaBloPoMo

Welcome to year 2 of my participation in NaBloPoMo. My own personal shitstorm had just really gotten going last year, and NaBloPoMo gave me the structure to post here every day, during what was, to put it mildly, a difficult month.

It's hard to believe now that the real storm - the real in-your-face awfulness - was just over a month long. October 20th or so (discovery of affair) to December 5th (decision to work on the marriage). Of course, the months leading up to October were awful, but for reasons I didn't entirely understand. I thought they were pregnancy loss and infertility related, but I was both right and wrong (Tash got new car insurance (along with a host of other things, not remotely making light of her experience at all, I really identified with her post); I got what I got). And the months after have been sometimes awful but mostly hard. It's not easy to recover from infidelity. I was thinking last night - what was the worst? The nadir? The absolute bottom? Is there one point that I could identify as the worst? It's a fruitless exercise. The whole thing sucked, and ramifications continue to reverberate.

A year older, a year wiser, a year later. Some things are better, some things are not. But I'm still here, and ready for the challenge again. A few regular readers found me through NaBloPoMo, and I've enjoyed meetings others, too, so I'm in for another year. Despite what I hope will be a major interruption in just a few weeks (but maybe I can configure my phone to post - hospital food: still bad).

So, just today's update - the letter to my in-laws was sent on Thursday night. My husband did edit it to suggest he call them on Sunday. He called them Thursday afternoon and left a voicemail that he was sending an e-mail and hoped they'd reply.

No reply yet. Which, as he says, means they either did not check e-mail (which they don't do everyday) or did get it and are super pissed. Hard to even guess which one. Meanwhile, last Tuesday I mailed them professional pics we had taken, and they should have received them on Thursday. My hope was that might soften them a bit.

We are nearly 100% confident they don't know about the pregnancy. If they do know? And are still acting this way? Wow. That really might be the final straw for my husband. I still love my husband. I really, really dislike him sometimes. And I don't forgive him. But my heart does hurt for him. No one should have to send a letter like that to his parents. He's lived through the shitstorm too, even if most of it is of his own making. He gets it from all sides. I worry he doesn't have his own outlet for what he's going through, which, uh, is kinda what got us to this place to begin with. Great. I hope we've both learned and grown enough to make it through.

So - who among you is also NaBloPoMo-ing?