Thursday, August 5, 2010

oh.....hello

Well. It's been a while. Don't mind me, just puttering around here, doing a little tidying, picking up. When you leave unexpectedly, there's always a lot left undone.

I didn't intend to be gone so long. But when you go away, and stay away, it gets harder and harder to come back. I read everyone regularly for a long while, but then that slowed. Now I make the rounds every two weeks or so, leaving no comments. So I've missed a lot, and I'm sorry I haven't commented. I have grieved, and rejoiced, with you all. I have. The blogsphere has continued without me - marriages, pregnancies, babies, losses. New blogs, goodbyes. It all continues.

Me? Thanks for asking. I've had my ups and downs.

I was feeling a little sad and unsettled earlier this week and couldn't figure out why. My anniversary is Saturday, but upon reflection, that wasn't bothering me. I was surprised, though, that I had to remember that today, August 5, is a Date. A Milestone. Don't misunderstand me - I have the most perfect 20 month old son, and I a grateful for him every day. I love him with all my heart and he is a joy. And he would not be here if his older brother had been born three years ago today, or more likely a few days later. And I rarely think of him, or the pregnancy, and he's never talked about. And that is, for the most part, ok. But that doesn't mean that I don't miss him, or what might have been in another lifetime or parallel universe. That is not my universe, and that is mostly ok. Not entirely ok, but given all I have today, it.....well. It is what it is. It's my past, and even though it is not my present, or my future, it is there. So unsettled, this week, should not surprise me, but yet it managed to sneak up on me.

I don't know if I am back. But I needed, today, to open the windows and let some air in and get the musty smell out. I'll close it back up, slightly more carefully this time, and consider what happens to this space.

Take care.

8 comments:

Jo said...

So glad to hear from you.

Sending lots of bloggy love your way as you remember your lost child today. It just reinforces for me what I already believe: it does get easier, but it never goes away.

Thinking of you, and hoping you don't decide to permanently close up shop. I'd miss you.

I already do.

Hugs,
Jo

Kymberli said...

I stopped over one day last week to see if you'd posted recently and I just missed. Glad to see you back, even if only for a brief moment.

Keeping you my thoughts as you remember and feel what could have been. (((hugs))) to you.

CLC said...

Missed you. Welcome back?

I try not to go down that road when I look at D. I can't imagine life without him now. But he surely wouldn't be here if she was. It's too heavy.

Andiamo said...

So glad to see you back today but sad to see your post. Relating all too much to the sneak attacks of grief. I hope your week becomes more settled and know you are not alone in grieving your loss. You will remain in my thoughts.

Hope you don't decide to leave permanently.

Take care and hope it's a Happy Anniversary this year.

AB

Am I doing okay? said...

oh, hello!! so nice to hear your voice. thinking of you & smiling -V

Louise said...

I've missed you - I check in every week. I was glad when I saw this post. For purely selfish reasons I hope that you keep going...

Anonymous said...

same here... when i found ur blog a few months ago i started readin it from the beginnin... an i checked regularly an hoped there wud be news... i loved readin ur story, especially since i can connect to it so well... so i do hope u deceide not to stop bloggin...
i.

Jo said...

I just wanted to pop over and thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, for your comment today.

It means everything that anyone besides me remembers what today means.

And, you are exactly on the money about the realization that my husband isn't enough. It's heartbreaking in its own way, but it is what it is. We definitely fall into that "other" category and it changes your perspective on so many things.

It's nice to not feel so alone.

Thank you.

Hugs,
Jo