I might be crazy....

So, you may remember my anniversary was a few weeks ago. There may have been a fair amount of wine consumed that night, by both of us, and that may have led to a little bit of marital relations, which may have then led to a, uh oh, what day of the month is it calculation, which resulted in a realization it was day 15. Realistically speaking, I thought we were 'safe.' Day 15 hasn't proven to be a key day for us in the past, and sure enough, last week on Day 28 cycle started all over again.

And I was......bummed. Yeah, bummed. Like everyone else I'm clicking furiously at Niobe's and holding my breath and hoping for good news. And wondering, what about us?

Emotionally, I'd like to have three children. But I look around and think, am I crazy? First, not entirely sure the marriage could handle a third. Sleep deprivation is a tough, tough state. My daughter is down and out with strep and my son is going through teething, so we take turns in the middle of the night up with each of them. Who the heck would take care of a third? There are only two of us! Add in a fragile marriage, a small-ish house, an already manageable but tight budget, my age, past difficulties, not great physical condition, a desire to spend more one on one time with the children I have......why in the world would I want a third?

On day 28 my husband came home from work and told me friends of ours with kids roughly ours ages were going for #3. Husband said friend asked him if we were, and husband told me, I said I don't know, we never talk about it. I don't want to talk about it right now, because logically the answer is no. So I changed the subject to our own kid crisis of the moment, whatever it was.

And I wonder. Maybe next summer, breastfeeding over, me in better shape, still 41 not quite 42...maybe? Maybe? I don't know. Maybe I am crazy.

Meanwhile, I'll keep cheering on everyone else, and hoping for good news.

the good and the bad

Sunday we celebrated the little guy's 6 month b-day. There's been good news from my little blogroll on the right over the past 6 months. Antigone's Perseus, Niobe's boy, CLC's Denis.

But then there are the reminders that not every story leads to the heart's desire. And your own heart breaks. Kym's betas started low and fell over the weekend. Chance's last chance. I'm so sorry. And I'm angry. Has anyone watched the awful Real Housewives of NJ? I've never watched any of the other shows, but given my in-laws, we thought we'd try out this NJ show. And it's awful, but not in-law awful. Last night we finally watched the second episode, and one of the housewives (the only one that seems like a decent person) went to the fertility specialist (after her 4th miscarriage). And he told her the same thing my RE told me. About half the time, the doctors can find no real for infertility or chronic loss. Half the time the doctors have no idea. How is that freaking possible? How, in this world where science and medicine can do so much, is fertility such a mystery? How can there be no answer? And how can no answer cost so freaking much money? It makes me angry. But, mostly it makes me sad. I wanted another baby in the blogroll. Chance and I once spoke to each other about hope. She helped me find hope. I wish there was something I could do for her.

Tash and I were thinking alike today. In addition to Kym and Chance, she points to two additional stories from the weekend. Not a great weekend for happy stories.

categorically

So, here I am. I did finally get off my butt and write to Mel, and though she told me she doesn't usually start a category with only one blog, she could see the value, and she created a brand new category of which I am the only member. Awesome. And I mean that positively and sarcastically.

I looked over my latest posts, and I've been better about writing more often, but what I'm not writing about is my marriage. My communications problem in relationships is that I shut down when upset. I give 'the silent treatment.' Which is apparently one of the worst ways of communicating, all about power and just an awful way to treat your partner. According to a myriad of well paid counselors and experts. I go silent because inside I am screaming I hate you I hate this we never should have gotten married this is all a mistake I hate I hate I hate. And I think I can't say those things, so I wait it out until the drumbeat wears itself out and I can think rationally and I remember I don't really entirely hate everything and let's talk things through and figure a way forward. In my mind, this does not feel like a power trip or an awful way to treat my partner, but like a way to be nicer - to let the emotion burn out and then talk.

Hmm, where I wanted to go with this post is not where it's going. I've been giving the blog the siltent treatment on my marriage lately, except it's not because I hate the blog, it's because. Well, I don't know. We had a bad period a little bit ago. A really bad time. A time where I said I understand why you had the affair because believe me, if someone would just be nice to me and listen to me and support me and just generally treat me as if I were a valuable, worthy person, I'd leave you in a heartbeat. A time where I said maybe it was time to end this farce and just move on with our lives. A time where I said I just didn't care anymore, I was totally checked out. And he said, he wouldn't let me check out because the stakes were too high. It was too important. And I said he had no right - no right - to get on his high horse now. Too bad he didn't take the moral high ground before having the affair.

So, I agreed to look for yet ANOTHER new counselor. And I honestly can't remember when this was because the past weeks have been a blur of no sleep and colds and runny noses and no sleep and did I mention no sleep?

But, since then, despite the no sleep, things have been better. He is trying and paying attention and not just working working working, and I feel better having said some of it out loud. And the real point of this was I had lunch with a blunt friend yesterday and we were talking kids and I admitted I love the thought of three kids and she flat out asked (and it was fine she did so) if my marriage would survive a third and I said no. Kids are awesome and great and even with the heartache and effort to bring them into this world, I can still admit they are freaking hard work. And did I mention no sleep?

So yesterday morning I said to my husband maybe it is time to get the big-ass swing out of our room, since the not so little guy (20 pounds! at 6 months!) has outgrown it and he said yes and I said what should we do with it (loaded question - sell it since there are no more babies to be made?) and he said stick it in the attic. So yes, we'll stick it in the attic. For now.

What kind of fighter are you? The silent treatment? The screamer? The avoider?

out of time

Today is my sister's birthday. She is almost 14 years younger than I am, turning 27. (Our brother is 2 years younger than me, almost 12 years older than her.)

My husband is two years older than his brother, and six years older than his sister, whose birthday is Thursday. So both our families have two siblings close in age, then a third a bit of a tagalong.

I think that influences my thinking about kids and siblings a great deal. Kids are hard. And having kids (and trying and failing to have kids) is incredibly hard on a relationship. I thought we would have three kids. I don't think our relationship would survive a third. Maybe, if there was time for a bit of a lag. But I'll be 41 soon.

I think, given that my result is two happy, seemingly healthy children, my biggest regret from the infertile/loss/shaky relationship years is the time lost. There is no chance for a "surprise" baby. If we had started earlier? But heck, we barely survived the should we have kids decision point, but went ahead and someplace in the files on my dead computer is nearly two years of basal temperature charting. Barely, barely survived the first child and then the loss - another year or so gone by. Hanging on by a slender thread with child #2. 6 years, two kids, two losses, infidelity, endless marriage counseling, and here we are. In the grand scheme of things, I probably can't complain much. But I can regret.

My sister enriched/enriches our family in so many ways. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. But then again, there's my husband's family - he was close with his sister, but she's fallen by the wayside, now, too. (a quick update - nothing to update - no contact, no nothing the past few months. I'm sure we're considered even more awful for the lack of a card for Mother's Day. Oh well. Hard to care, really.)

I used to be one of those people who would say things happen for a reason. Now I think things happen for no reason whatsoever. And you?

medical

a few medical thoughts:

My period came back today, four months and two days after giving birth. Apparently my body has a relentless desire to procreate.

My parents called last night. In the past, I used to sometimes blow off their calls (caller ID) if I was in the middle of something or busy. Not a mean blow off, just a I have bigger things going on blow off, I'll get to the parents later kind of thing. No longer - I always answer now. But, I realized last night as I reached for the phone, when I see the caller ID my heart doesn't skip a beat. I think I have to get this what if, but my heart doesn't feel oh no. So, my dad has cataracts. Surgery to remove them in early April. Which has to be balanced against his blood thinners for the 'deep vein thrombosis.' His leg has been getting better, and he's feeling ok. The cataracts don't bother him, he said, but good to have them removed before they get worse. Since in my family we don't gush or worry out loud, I said, wow, what is going on, it's just one thing after another. I know, said my mom, he's falling to pieces. We've had a busy couple of months.

They don't sound worried, but they never do. I'm a product of this family, so I don't feel worried. Except for the dull thud of dread in the pit of my stomach, which I try to ignore. He's 67, will be 68 in another month. Too soon, too soon.

And then last week, I wanted to do a post but was just busy. I'm a brand loyalist, which extends to my tv watching. Love Grey's Anatomy, loved the Addison Shepherd character, HATE and despise Private Practice, the spin off show. And yet I keep watching. Last week's story is the beginning of Addison possibly having an affair with the husband of one of her patients. Her patient who has suffered two pregnancy losses and is in the midst of a third, very difficult pregnancy. Infidelity combined with infertility as entertainment. I fucking hate this storyline. And yet I cannot stop watching the damn show. It starts in a few minutes, so I will watch.

Oh, bonus point, non medically related - I had a dream last night about my mother in law. I dreamt we went someplace close by their house, and so stopped in to see them. And the MIL was perfectly nice and reasonable, but my father in law refused to see us and stayed upstairs the entire time we visited in the living room with my totally rationally sane MIL. Weird. Very weird.

(and Andiamo, thanks for the nice words!)

Twisty your road

Am I doing OK left twisty your road as a comment, and it just made me laugh.

Indeed.

I don't even know where to start. I've been really up and down and every place in between these past few weeks. Should I stay or should I go, to quote, um, who? If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double. I've known, and blogged, that life isn't linear, there are fits and starts and highs and lows and everything in between, and sometimes all of it on the same day.

My counselor and I talked a lot about my desire to have another child. She asked the classic question of what I expected from a second child and the impact it would have on my marriage. I answered very honestly - I wanted a second child for me, and a sibling for my daughter. This desire had almost nothing to do with my husband. He was either going to be a part, or not. In a lot of ways I think this is a healthy attitude. I can't do much, if anything, about him and his maturity levels. I can't say we'll still be married, much less happily married, in ten years. For a lot of people, perhaps, that's reason enough to not try again. For me, it's more of saying this is what I want in my life, and I'm going for it. Not consequences be damned, no, far from it. Eyes wide open the ramifications may have profound impact, and recognizing I'd rather life my life with two children. There are no guarantees even if there are no more children in the mix.

That said, let's not forget how I got to the blog world in the first place. There really are no guarantees. This is my fourth pregnancy, and I have one living child. And I'm 39. The odds are not entirely in my favor, and that part scares me to death.

The RE today said that even if things were perfectly healthy, at my age it sometimes happen that the woman doesn't produce enough progesterone, so he's prescribing it for the next 8 weeks or so. Hell, at this stage it's hard to even say for sure what's going on - they drew blood and I'm waiting for the results today. If all looks fine today, they'll schedule regular blood draws these next few weeks, up until the ultrasound to see if there's a heartbeat and "normal" development. At that point, they'd turn me over to my regular OB.

However, let's also remember pregnancy #3. Suspicious nuchal measurement, bad blood work, CVS, loss. My OB doesn't do CVS or advanced screening, I was at a specialist. She said at the time, if I were to get pregnant again she'd recommend not screwing around and going straight for the CVS at 10.5 weeks. I brought that up to the RE, he flipped through my history and immediately said he'd absolutely recommend that, with this same specialist.

So there is a long, long way to go. I was scared to death of the CVS the first time, and that was knowing there was something likely going on and that it would be best to know. Driven by panic and fear. This time, should I get that far, I think it might actually be harder to do it.
It was actually fairly painless and quick, with no adverse affects. But still, it's invasive, with risk associated. I read the more experienced your practitioner the lower the risk, and this one specialist is very practiced. But still....

And then let's throw in my job, and the fact the CVS would then likely be at a VERY busy, stressful time. Great. Oh yeah, my job. I can't even think about that right now, and given my 1 for 3 odds, that's just going to stay buried for a while.

I guess the million dollar question is how did my husband react? My daughter has developed a deep love of presents, and I was at Target yesterday and picked up the pee sticks, along with a few things for her. So when I got home I had presents for her (new shoes). I went upstairs and did the stick thing. I've never turned it over and waited - I always watch the - oh, crap, what's it called - my science training gets further and further away. Capillary action? Of the movement of the liquid up the stick, across the panel. Control line popped up as the line moved across it, but no other line. And I thought, ok, dummy, another waste of $15. And then the second line showed up, maybe 10 seconds in. I waited all two minutes or whatever and it was still there.

So I went downstairs, handed it to my husband and I said I have a present for you, too. He was uncomprehending for about two seconds before a big grin spread across his face. Really?!

I've learned he's a better liar than I ever thought. But there wasn't a flicker of doubt. I asked him the same question, as we'd just spent all weekend with basketball on - so what's the over/under on our marriage now. And he responded forever.

I'm not that naive, but it was a good answer.

Doctor's office just called. Definitely pregnant. He wants me to take some estrogen, too, as the number was a little low. (Beta - 653, Progesterone 16, Estrogen 128. I have no idea what that means).

I keep waiting for my movie fadeout. I guess the real lesson is there is no movie ending for anyone. Life is more than 2 hour blocks of story telling. The good news/bad news is it keeps going. Really hoping the road straightens out for a bit.

Holy crap

So.

Yeah.

Um.

Well, given that it's nearly March Madness and betting season, any ideas on the over/under for the length of my marriage after this?

Tomorrow we see the fertility doc. I guess it really is ha, hahaha. Wow.

anonymity, part 2

Back from a weekend work trip. Flew out Friday, back Sunday evening. Let me sum up the weekend work trip in one word: SUCK.

I had no weekend. I had no break. I went to sleep last night thinking how nice to have a few days off, and woke up to realize it was Monday. Not pleasant.

Thanks for the recent commenting. Anonymous blogs do seem to be the rage. I wouldn't particularly care, I think, if many of you learned more about me. I do care, very much so, if people in my real life learn about the blog life. It's a bit paradoxical, isn't it? I'd welcome you, new people, into my real life, but not real life people into blog life.

We live in a small world, though, and wouldn't it be horrifying to discover a blog person was actually your next door neighbor? Or a major client? Or funder? Or potential new employer....yeah, I think I'm keeping the anonymity for now. But, if anyone, particularly anyone who comments, wants to get in touch with the real me, drop me an e-mail at whichbox@gmail.com.

Fun fact #1083 about which box: I am remarkably bad at keeping in touch in real life.

You might also tell me how to add an e-mail me widget-y thing to a sidebar, though perhaps I can figure it out. On my next free weekend.

Thanks also for whatever info you all have had on my reproductive life. I am taking my antibiotics and feeling loads better. Kidding. Feeling exactly the same. I did call my regular OB/GYN and ask if I had ever been tested before for mysterious ureaplasma and the answer was no.

I've got a lot on my mind. Despite near constant work, there was still thinking time. Today is a relatively free day, but Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I have an all consuming meeting. So, I'm going to say I need a break and go out for a few hours. And take part of Friday off too. Daylight savings time didn't help, that's for sure, but a full weekend of work has left me feeling too foggy and disjointed.

what the hell does this mean

OK, I just got a call from my RE's office. My cultures have come back positive for ureaplasma. The nurse was quite matter of fact about it, this is not a big deal, everyone has it, your culture just showed an overgrowth and I'll call in a prescription for antibiotics for you and your husband. I asked if it might play a role in infertility and she said no one really knows.

And of course you google when you get new medical information, right? And the info is all over the map, ranging from a majority saying it's not a big deal, up to 80% of women have this and it's easily passed between couples for years, to a few saying this is an STD though not one that causes any problems and it's only called an STD because it's in the reproductive tract, to a very few saying this is an STD that definitely causes infertility and is extremely hard to treat.

Great.

Have I been tested for this before? Did my cheating husband pass along an STD? What the HELL.

I am breathing. The thing is, I have to explain all this to him, and we have to both start taking the antibiotics. So I need to process through this inorder to be able to present it in a neutral way. In, out, in, out. The reputable sites all pretty much said no big deal, fairly routine. I'll hold onto that for now.

Also. I have been thinking the 17th is a long time off to wait for all the results. I considered calling the office to ask for a phone reading of the straight results. And here I had the nurse on the phone, with results right in front of her. So I asked.

Surprisingly (to me) I tested fine for everything. HSG fine, hormones fine, all fine. Honestly, I'm really surprised. I think I've noticed subtle signs of aging - lack of cervical mucous, vaginal dryness, slight changes in cycle. All subtle, but there. Which probably means my clock is ticking, but not done yet.

And then my husband. Remember 5 years ago he had varicoceles removed. Quantity and density - fine. Well above threshhold range. Mobility - they'd like to see greater than 50%, and his was 40. Morphology, they like to see greater than 20%, and his was 11. But - turns out he went to make his deposit during my cycle, which means, actually, it had been longer than 7 days since an 3jac.ulat1on. Prolonged storage in the body can affect both mobility and morphology. We'll have to tell the doctor that. Should we just have him go make another deposit before the 17th, to make sure?

And the nurse emphasized she was only giving me raw results, only the doctor could interpret them and talk about a path forward. Perhaps I should not have asked, as the 17th is still along way away. Sigh.

I know I've got some experts out there reading. I'd love any thoughts on what this all means. Are we having fun yet?

holding off

I've been delaying posting for the past few days. It's fun to do memes and feel like a part of the blogosphere and have illicit thoughts about people I've never met. And in clicking around, checking out other people's meme posts, laughing at funny stories, I've felt like the mood is lighter, somehow, in my little corner of the world.

I had dinner with a group of close friends last week and ended up pouring out a lot of what's been going on. They knew about my marriage and the loss, they had hints of the current infertility struggles. They heard more. They knew I had changed jobs, and heard how every day I learn more about how hard this job is going to be, and how I'm having trouble with two staff who came along with the position. They knew I wasn't sure what to do about preschool for my 2 year old, and heard about our touring schools, impossible waiting lists, and current troubles with our nanny that might force us to make difficult decisions.

(I can't blog about our nanny - she's amazingly wonderful, our daughter loves her dearly, she's entrusted with the most precious thing in my life - and due to circumstances beyond her or our control including world and US political climates, we might have some tough choices, and that's all I am willing to type because it's a discussion I'm unwilling to have with the blogosphere. Not to be too mysterious or anything. But thank god I have no worries, not a whit of a worry, that my daughter's care is not good.)

Way back - way, way back - I posted that I had recently made a list of things going well and things that were crappy. The crap outnumbered the good 19-4. And that was before discovering my husband's infidelity and my dad's need for triple bypass.

It's too much. It's all too much. I was at my counselor yesterday and she summed it up, as had my friends - with everything that had happened, I'm still standing. And even taking on new challenges. And finding some time for myself, and spending time with friends. But it's too much. It's why I'm not blogging about my weight - I'm stuck, not losing, luckily not gaining, just stuck. And I've not got a spare brain cell to spare to focus on losing weight right now. I just don't.

Throughout the fall, the place where I just gave up was my job. I took FLMA for my counseling appointments, and when I was in the office I spent a lot of time blogging, or reading blogs, or crying, or just surfing the net. Not much time getting actual work done. But, as my new job ramps up, I'm losing that time. Working from home is great, and I still have downtime during the day, but every day I get closer to realizing how all encompassing this job could - and maybe should - be, and I feel the stress.

I have held off making the consult appointment with the RE. I think in some ways I don't want to know. Knowing means actions typically follow. I think my readers have been incredibly generous in not pointing out the obvious that having a child would throw huge grenade in the middle of this marriage. I hope you know I get that. Very much so. I also think most of my readers also quite personally get the time waits for no man dilemma I face. At 39, I don't have the luxury of time.

I just called and made the appointment. Of course the doctor is incredibly booked and then going away for a week. Appointment on the 17th, which would be about day 3 of the next cycle. Today is day 15, and we faithfully hit the targets of day 13 and 14. Who knows, maybe I can cancel the 17th, maybe this month naturally worked.

Ha. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha........................

poked and prodded

Whew. Finally finished with a grueling week of the poking and prodding. Yesterday was the HSG. I think my nervous anticipation was worse than the actual experience. Especially when the tech said, ok, if it reaches a point where you can't handle it, just tell us and we'll slow down.
Wha? Can't handle??

So at one point I said, huh, ok, starting to feel something now and they laughed and said we're almost done.

Results - normal.

I need to schedule an appointment with the RE and go over everything. I know the HSG showed a perfectly fine uterus and fine fallopian tubes. I know the sonogram showed smallish (what the doctor called aging) ovaries. And that's all I know right now.

Maybe Friday, maybe Monday for the appointment to review everything. I stupidly save the blood work (beyond the Day 3 hormones) for today, so that's going to take a few days to come in.

We talked yesterday briefly about what we'd want to do. Ahead of hearing options, did we have ideas about how far we'd be willing to take this. Donor eggs or sperm are out. IVF might be out. IUI seems ok, clomid is a maybe. But that's as far as we got.

Secondary infertility is tough. Yes, I have a child. I've experienced it. But my child so clearly is fascinated by babies. She'd be such a great older sister. And selfishly, just like so many, I never thought it would be hard for me. I spent time, and spend time, with my daughter trying to treasure the moment. But I didn't do it thinking it wouldn't happen again. I saved every last piece of baby gear planning for a second time. I will feel cheated if I don't get it.

I have to say though, there's a huge part of me that feels like this is it. I don't know, of course, but yet I feel it. I hope I'm wrong.

And, now I've been memed! By two - the "list" and the 6 things. Suddenly feeling popular, which makes me pleased. I'm a sucker. But now I have my posts for tomorrow and Thursday lined up. Which keeps me from blogging about how ridiculous things got last week in my job. Garr.

project infertility

OK, well, generally when my husband and I put our minds to something, we get it done. He made an appointment to "make his deposit" last Friday. The last time he went through this, he had very funny stories of the facility - the doctor gave him a cup, and sent him out to the bathroom in the hall, where he was supposed to, um, perform in a toilet stall. On one of his visits someone else came into the bathroom right at a critical time, disrupting the entire process. With this doctor, there's a big recliner (where you first put down a plastic sheet), videos, magazines - in sum, a different type experience.

My cycle started on Friday (29 days, thus throwing off my oh no! my cycle is decreasing by a day a month! 2-month trend), so on Sunday, day 3, I went in for day 3 hormone blood draw. I have crap veins - just absolutely terrible. Every time I get blood drawn it turns into a discussion of how bad my veins are and various theories of why that is and various attempts to locate a vein that might even work. Usually a competent, experienced nurse can get a vein on the first stab, but there have been times I've been stabbed more than three times just for a simple vial (no more practicing on me for the trainer nurses, nope). Theory this time - I have thick skin and deep veins that move around a lot.

I wanted to say no, actually I have very thin skin and what's there has been flayed quite a bit this last year, but I decided that wasn't appropriate at 8 am on a Sunday morning.

Tomorrow is the sonogram/examination, and Monday is the HSG. So tell me, you who have been through this before, how bad is the HSG? I'm really dreading it. My cervix does not like to be opened. Not one bit.

On the one hand, I'm glad to be getting some answers. And then on the other hand, there's this whole past year+ of grief, pain, and tragedy. Like many of you have written, I'm waiting for more. I'm the dog that's been kicked too many times, cringing at the slightest thing. When does it get really bad again? What happens next in the never ending spiral of doom?

On the plus side, today I had lunch with a former co-worker. Let's see, I left about 6 weeks ago. Three weeks ago, they found out that the largest project had most of its funding pulled. People are depressed and scared for their jobs. I asked my friend if people were saying boy, that Which Box really left us in a bad place, she should have wrapped up this, and that, and generally everything is bad because she was such a loser, thank god she's gone. And my friend said no. Turns out I left at just the perfect time - just before the crash. I get to be part of the good old days - the one who looks like a genius for jumping ship before it all went bad.

At least in one area I had a little foresight and did the smart thing. I don't know what it is today - just can't shake this what's waiting for me around the corner feeling.

he brought it up

Last night we finally talked. Yesterday morning he had said he slept poorly the night before, mind racing with too many things. Work things, looking for new job things, knowing we needed to talk things.

After dinner we were sitting on the couch while our daughter played and he sighed deeply. I asked what was wrong and he said he just knew we needed to talk, that he was scared to hear how much I hated him, how I no longer wanted to be married to him, how badly he had messed up.

In a lot of ways it's the same conversation over and over. I don't know how to move forward. I'm still stuck in grief. And why grief? Why not rage, or disappointment, or anger? I don't even know what the grief is about. Betrayal? Abandonment? The loss of what I thought I had? Grief over his ability to hurt me so deeply? Is it sadness and shock over the hurtful things he said? Grief that I married and had a child with someone who could act so dishonorably? Grief over a past that appears to be false, a present that hurts, and a future that seems to hold no promise?

We talked about various things that were said. I guess the thing is, they rang true to me, even at the time when I was denying them. It sounded true when he said at every point in our relationship, he deep down thought he could do better. That sounds truthful. Mean, and hateful, but truthful. Nights that he went out on dates and told me he was out with a friend because he had worked hard and "deserved" a break. Given his actions, him saying now that it didn't feel right at the time doesn't ring true. Because if it didn't feel right at the time, why didn't he stop it?

But there's no undoing it. What's done is done. It's what you do with it now that matters. I just regret so much that he came back begrudgingly, and then when he was happy to be back, couldn't tell me. He just pushed it all past the point where it would be easier to accept. After Thanksgiving, I really started to think, ok, this is it. It's really over, and here's how I can make this work. And he said after Thanksgiving, he started to think what the hell was he doing and how could he get his marriage back on track. And it was "only" a week and half after Thanksgiving that we had our breakthrough and he decided he needed to stay and work on things. A week and half is a long time. A few years from now, it'll be a blip, but right now it's still a long 10 days when I started to decide it was time for me to move on, too.

I told him I thought he possibly wasn't capable of meeting my emotional needs. He said he had trouble expressing himself, but that he was there emotionally. I just don't know if that's really true.

So mid way through he says, he needs to stop being so afraid. Afraid of what, I ask. He says he knows how important it is to me to have a second child and he'll do whatever it takes. He says he thinks the problem isn't with me, it's with him, and he saw a test in the drugstore to test sperm, but it was $100. I say, tentatively, that our insurance would be $10 for a more accurate test. He says ok, that's a no brainer, he'll call his doctor - the one who did his varicoceles.

I say you know I saw a fertility doctor in January. He says no, you had a check up, and I say no. He says ok, he'll go. He'll go this week, maybe he could get in by Friday, there's no need to check me as it's probably all him.

I hand him the card. I say do you really think our fragile relationship can survive a baby? He says he's in this forever, and nothing will ever change that.

I don't know.

There's no resolution to our talk. He answered a lot of my questions about his affair, and it helped to know to scope and extent. I am fairly certain he's being truthful, as he has done reading and knows being truthful is the most important way to build trust. He's actively pursuing, and is excited by, new job opportunities.

He says he went through a time of thinking I wouldn't change, and I stuck with him, and now I'm thinking he won't change and he's staying put.

I guess this is what it's all about. Day by day, one foot in front of the other, step by step.

Tonight we'll go to Whole Foods for our annual get yummy food night. We skip the restaurant scene on Valentine's Day. I need to get him a card, I guess, something semi-neutral but positive.

Amalah shared her happy news today is a really touching way.

making plans

I cannot believe how long I let go between posts now. There were more than a handful of things I wanted to type out last week, and a few key things did happen that I want to relate. It seems that now that majorly dramatic events aren't happening on a daily basis, it's harder for me to focus in on typing. I'd like to type more reflective, thoughtful things, too, but have not had the focus to really concentrate. A fair amount happened last week, yet I want to avoid a super long post typing it all out.

Today I want to focus on the visit to the fertility doctor. Tonight I'd like to type in some of the big relationship things that happened last week. Last week there was a confluence of posts among blogs I read that really made me think, and I want to get my thoughts in before I forget them. And then there's more poetry, photos of the house repairs, and of course the weight. A lot of stuff to type. A whole week's worth - not to mention that tomorrow my husband and I have a joint session with BOTH our counselors. So my pledge is a post a day, if not more.

It's harder to post because my husband and I are spending so much time together. Which is a good thing, but leaves little computer time. We watch TV together, work on the house together, go to bed at the same time - great for our relationship, for right now, but not great for alone time. We'll see how that goes.

Anyway, the fertility guy. Not fun. They are a pretty aggressive practice who fairly quickly move to IVF. After relating my history, the doctor said, ok, if you're menstruating every 27-28 days, with 5 days of flow, you're ovulating. He didn't address my concerns about lack of cervical mucous at all, and I wish I had pressed that. He said the only thing working against you is age, and within the year you're probably looking at donor eggs.

So yeah, the clock is ticking. I don't particularly like being pregnant. Let's face it, it's uncomfortable, a little bit gross, awkward, and really disruptive to your normal life. And, I'm going to admit it, genetics matter to me. It matters to me that my daughter looks like me, and twirls her hair like I do, and thinks like me. It matters. Before anyone freaks out on me, hold on! I could/would certainly love a non-biological child - I'm not saying that I wouldn't. I am saying if I'm going to be pregnant, it's going to be with my eggs and my husband's sperm. My desire isn't for "a baby" it's for my baby - a full-blood sibling to my daughter. If that's not going to happen, adoption of an older, harder-to-place child would be the path I'd take for more children. So, for now, for what I want right now (which could change), TICK, TICK, TICK.

He outlined 4 steps - 4 pieces of info - in the next month.

1. Testing my husband. Ugh. I said right now, not an option. I explained the loss we suffered a year ago was still very fresh, and my husband was willing to get pregnant, but not willing to do anything outside of sex. He wasn't thrilled with that answer - said after all, nothing had really happened to my husband (thank you!), I was the one who had physically experienced everything. And that time was a factor. And that the male is 50% of the equation, and without that he couldn't give me a full answer. This was not great for my mental state, but I knew all this. It's just not something I'm willing to bring up right now.

2. Sonogram - assess the uterus and ovaries - checking for fibroids, cysts, polyps, assess the follicles.

3. Examine fallopian tubes - the hysterosalpingogram (HSG), an xray test where dye is injected in the uterus and progress of the dye followed through the fallopian tubes to make sure they aren't blocked. Done between day 6 and 11 of the cycle.

4. Day 3 hormones - FSH, LH, Estradiol.

Huh, wait, I'm going through the materials I was given and there's actually a fifth thing, another blood draw by a lab, and I guess that one is antisperm antibody test as well as a whole host of other things - lipids, hepatitis, and a few other things I have no idea about.

And then, after all that info is in, a consult to develop the plan. As I said, this seems to be a fairly aggressive practice, focused on getting a baby. That's a good thing. Not as great for me, who right now is focused on just learning more. Focus on having another baby may come, but given the rest of my life, isn't where I am. So it was emotionally hard to be there. I don't think they deal with many people who aren't full on here's my credit card when can we implant fertilized eggs ready to go types.

I was there on day 7 of my cycle. But given the weekend, I missed the chance for the HSG, so that'll be another month, and can be the last thing I do from the list. I'm glad I went and know what would come next. And my insurance covers everything in this stage, so I can do my 4 things without any financial penalty, and minimal physical commitment.

And this is where we bump into the relationship. I don't stand on my own all that well. I can, and do, but when it comes right down to it, I'm more interested in sharing my life with my partner. So hiding all this, not talking about it, would be hard for me. I guess "will" be hard for me. Other than the HSG, though, none of it is particularly complicated, so I will go through with it. I gave the practice my cell number only, the insurance is in my name, so I can do all this and no one need ever be the wiser. And then we'll see what happens.

The other night my husband said he would do anything I wanted him to do to save our marriage. And I just thought, really? Will you?

life stages

I was reading some women's magazine the other day and there was an article on menopause. It said menopause is actually only one day in a woman's life - the day when it's been 6 months since she's had a period, after a possibly long stretch of time (10 years or more) of perimenopause. The hot flashes, etc are symptoms of perimenopause.

The article went on to say another symptom is periods closer together. Yesterday, walking to meet my husband for lunch, I suddenly was hit with a wave of PMS cramps. Aha, I thought, last night's sadness, generally feeling blah, now cramping - all signs my period will start in a couple of hours, if not right now, and I have nothing on me. Because my period isn't supposed to start for another 4 days.

So now I've convinced myself I'm entering the menopause era at 39. Which is possible, and doesn't technically mean an end to infertility, just possibly more unknowns in terms of timing things.

Great. Though now it's Tuesday afternoon and I've had some passing cramps, but no period. I've had very regular periods since I was 11. Usually 28, sometimes 29 days, sometimes another day or two later. Rarely shorter. I'm glad I made the appointment for the fertility specialist. And next week would probably be good timing, I guess. Who knows. I find myself absurdly rooting for my body to hold off for another 3 days. Come on body, you can do it. Stick to our regular schedule!

ups and downs

Last time I wrote that recovery is not linear. And of course it's not. But there are times I wish it was.

We had a really good weekend. Really fun. Friday we went out for dinner and then caught up on some TIVOed shows. Sat we went to a local festival, then he took our daughter home for her afternoon nap and I went to clean out my office. Ugh. I just ran out of time/interest in doing it my last few days at that job, so there was a ton to do. I took 4 boxes home Saturday. Then we had friends over for dinner. Sunday we went to a museum to see a show and out for brunch, then once aagin I cleaned out my office while he went home for naptime. Sunday I brought home another 4 boxes. Ugh.

When I left my second to last job, I had been there 8 years, and brought home 10 boxes of stuff - boxes that are now in my spare bedroom, usually stashed in the attic. I swore I wouldn't gather that much crap again, but after only 3.5 years I had another 8 boxes! These weren't that full, though, only 1 was samples of things to keep, notebooks, binders, reports, etc. 1 was plants, another pictures, another office supplies (mine!). So once I have a new office and a new home office, it'll get sorted out fairly quickly. And then I can tackle the 10 boxes from that previous job!

Oh, speaking of, our new hardwood floors look great in our office. I'll post pics this week.

Anyway, so all in all, a great weekend - we were fairly affectionate, it was good. Normal. Oh, I hadn't typed that Thursday night we had an emotional discussion. Not based on my Thursday afternoon freak out. Well, it was brought on by that, but we didn't talk about that. I need a way to bring it up with him, but I'm not ready. Instead it was just a raw discussion of my sadness at his betrayal. Your typical how could you do it? How could you betray me in that way, and why don't you ever talk about it? It made him cry, and talk about how ashamed he was. He's transferred reporting authority over this girl to another person in his small company. And he's making lots of moves to leave his job, though he has a big deadline in March and he feels he can't leave the company until after they hit that deliverable.

I just wish he would tell me things more proactively, instead of me having to ask. He's not mentioned this girl at work once, so I had to ask what was going on and then it turns out she no longer reports to him. What couldn't he tell me he had done that? He insisted strongly that he was happy and wanted to work on our relationship and make it great. I'm also unhappy there's been no talk of love. We're not lovey dovey people, we rarely say we love each other as a normal course. Throughout the fall I kept insisting I loved him. He signed his Christmas card to me love. Bot other than that, nothing. And since one of the things that drives me crazy is that I always have to bring things up or say them first, I am holding back on this, and don't want to bring it up.

Anyway, I'm all over the place right now. OK, emotion-laden conversation Thursday night, great weekend. And then Sunday night suddenly I was just sad. Just froze up, feeling I don't know what. Insecure. Unattractive. Sad. Betrayed.

And I still feel that way. We actually made reservations for a nice lunch today, so that's coming up soon, and I want to enjoy it. I don't know how to find myself, center myself when these feelings of inadequacy/insecurity/betrayal come up. I don't know if I should talk about it, or exercise, or write here, or what. How to drive these thoughts out of my head. Or, live with them, process them, get past them.

I made an appointment with the fertility specialist. It's next week.

And I deleted the linked in invite.

Baby steps, I guess. Maybe instead of linear it's two steps forward, one step back. Four steps forward, 3 steps back, 10 steps forward, 2 steps back - as long as there is overall forward progress?

moving it down

I don't want my last post to remain at the top of the list over the weekend. Recovery - from anything - is not linear. It's fits and starts, good days and bad days, ups and downs, peaks and valleys, etc etc. Yesterday was a shadowed valley, that's for sure. But today is better.

I appreciate the comments, I really do, and they've definitely made me think. And lean in the direction of at a minimum scheduling an appointment with a specialist. It can't hurt, and more info is better than no info. I'd rather know something than speculate endlessly.

Anyway, having a better day today, I want to change the subject.

Yesterday I got an invite to join someone's linked in network - a former classmate from college. One that I didn't like very much while we were in school, but was friendly with as she was a good friend of one of my good friends. I've not seen her since graduation, what, 18 years ago, and that's just fine with me.

So what's the linked in etiquette? I've had others from my college who I had distant relationships with invite me, and I've accepted because I semi-liked them and besides, what's the harm? I really would like to not accept this one.

I'll probably just not respond. But I do have a horror of being rude (and yes, while I say I'm not, and I certainly don't want to be, clearly I'm a bit of a pushover in the female oh please don't anyone not like me sort of way). Do I decline? Block her? Just not respond? What do you do with unwelcome blasts from the past?

the other side

Dammit. I really, really like my last post. A lot. It ties everything together, it has a point, it's dare I say a little bit profound. And it's only been up 18 hours or so, and I'm feeling compelled to post again. Yesterday was the wise post, the good day box checked. Today is the pit of despair, bad day posting.

I am taking a break from work and just clicked around a few blogs and read Tash's post over at Awful But Functioning. And it's set me off on a round of sobbing that I haven't experienced in oh, at least a couple of weeks. Wailing, sit on the floor clutching the tissue, curl up on the floor sobbing.

I want another baby. I desperately want another baby. I've not said so explicitly, but surely that's clear. And with my goddamn fucking loser of a husband, plus my shriveled up 39 year old defective egg producing when they were producing which now they're not ovaries, my fertility journey appears to be over.

And because of my goddamn fucking loser of a husband, I don't get any say in the matter. None. No chance to figure out what was going on with my ovaries and reproduction, no tests, no nothing. Just over. And that makes me so angry with him. It's the biggest thing for which I do not think forgiveness will come.

We haven't talked about it, of course. What's there to say? OK, so our relationship is completely fragile and two months ago you were fucking your 25 year old employee, so what say we try to figure out what's going on and get pregnant?

But because I'm 39, it's not like I leave him, meet someone and pop out another kid in the year or two. Odds of that happening are very low. And it certainly isn't in the best interests of my daughter.

I'm also 11 months post loss. A loss I mourn every day. And because of my husband, I have no plan, no direction, no journey from here.

I am so angry with him about this. So angry.

The week before I discovered his affair, I bought the Fertility Cure. And I had an appointment with my regular OB GYN. I sat in the waiting room for an hour, and in the appointment room for 30 minutes. When she finally came in, I explained how it had only been two months of trying, but I was certain I wasn't ovulating. She said, well, there are tests we can do here, but just make an appointment with a specialist because they'd run all the same tests anyway and no sense to repeat them good luck bye. 90 minutes waiting for something that could have been conveyed in 30 seconds over the phone, great, thanks.

My fertility journey never got to the stage of testing me. Starting in 2003, it was try for 6 months, test husband, fix his problem, early just one of those things miscarriage, healthy pregnancy and baby, easy third conception but turned out to be defective egg that resulted in loss, cessation of ovulation. nearly 5 years in one run on sentence. But, it means I don't even know what all those steps and things are.

I have been toying with asking this question on the blog. I am science-minded person, and I like to know things. Even given how pathetic my marriage is, would it help me to go to the fertility specialist and see if there's an answer? What if it's something simple? What if it's definitely over? Will knowing make it better or worse? Is it better to know, or not? What would you do?

fresh starts?

you know how when you have a huge project to tackle, you focus in on one small detail that's only slightly related to the big project? But that side project looms large and prevents movement on the big project?

Or is that just me?

Well, that's totally what's going on with me and the last post, and feeling sad about infertility in the face of everything else going on.

In a nutshell, since 2005 we've been working on a project in our attic - converting the attic to usable office space. I live in a house built in 1914, and the list of projects to do is never ending. And it seems we never fully finish one thing, or one area - there's half finished work all over the house, and at times it drives me nuts. Mostly we just live with it.

The attic has been ongoing since 2005. Good lord, now I can say that's 3 years! We improved the steps up to the attic, raised (and replaced) the roof, added heat and AC, and finished off what was unfinished space. Now, we need to clean the mess resulting from construction (I despise drywall dust), paint walls and ceiling, install flooring, and ta-da, brand new empty office. (Getting furniture up there will probably be another 3 years in the making.)

We've picked out the flooring, bought it, arranged for installation, and are just waiting for the installation date, probably in the next two weeks or so. Which means cleaning out the attic and painting has to happen soon. There are about 10 boxes of stuff - office stuff from my last job, old clothes, extra stuff, general junk - that have to go someplace.

Have I blogged about my dad and his looming hoarding problem? I did a little bit. I am a packrat, too. Too much stuff. Our basement is full of stuff, so the attic boxes can't really go there.

The upstairs hallway is already hosting two rubbermaid containers - my maternity clothes. My daughter's room has reached capacity with rubbermaid containers - 4 - of baby clothes. And the spare room also is at capacity with 3 rubbermaids of more outgrown clothes from my daughter. All carefully packed away for child #2.

So that's 9 - NINE - rubbermaid containers waiting for another pregnancy and baby. The basement has its own issues with older junk, but reached capacity because of discarded baby paraphenalia - infant car seat, baby swing, stroller, etc etc etc.

And now it's 2008, a fresh start, and throwing things out is generally what people do when they want to clear out clutter. I could sell all this stuff and get a few hundred dollars.

I can't do it. I just can't.

I've been thinking about this stuff obsessively for the past week. My daughter was born in September, so to break my logjam I've decided that I'll get rid of it next fall - find someone with a daughter born at that time so the sizes match the seasons. And then deal with the baby gear then, too.

I have other stuff to throw away, clean out, make room. I'll deal with that stuff now, and get this attic project moving. I need to put off the baby gear for awhile, just not think about it, have it hidden away in the basement for another few months. I'll deal with it later.

happy New Year?

I need the discipline of regular posting, or else I let too long go between posts. Also, when my life isn't in absolute crisis mode, I feel like my writing loses some immediacy.

I went back and read all my posts during the month of December, plus a few from the end of November. Good golly, there was a lot of anguish and pain and hurt. I think it will be a long time before I read October and November. I don't think I could handle that right now.

I wrote once that I was a natural optimist. It's very true, I always have been. I remember once when I was in grad school I was so sure I couldn't do it, wouldn't make it. I called my undergrad advisor and poured my heart out and he said, snap out of it. You're one of the most resilient people I know, and this too shall pass. You'll make it. It actually got worse - a whole lot worse - but I did make it with a masters degree. I think of that call often, actually, and try to draw upon that resilience.

Lately, though, I don't want it. Well, I want the resilience. I do want to know I'll make it through. I don't want the optimism, or the happiness. What I really don't want is the feeling when that happiness is crushed. I've been thinking a lot about Tash's most recent post, brought about by Meg's post. 2008 could be worse than 2007 was. It could be much, much worse.

Last night I asked my husband how he thought things were going. He said he thought there was a long way to go, for him, to grow up, to be a different sort of man, to speak up when he was unhappy, instead of burying it so that it all erupted at once. He said, though, that he was happy. Had been happy all week. The contrast between my family, and the forgiveness they offered, versus his family, and the conditions they set, was so extreme it really hit home for him what kind of life he wanted to lead. And it wasn't the life we had before, or the life he tried to create, it was a new family life centered around me and our daughter. I said it was so hard for me to understand where we were after all that had happened - it was almost like he was flipping a switch - from me, to affair, and now back to me. It seemed effortless to him. He said it wasn't effortless, and everything that happened this fall was terrible for him, too. That everything he did to break up our family always felt wrong to him. He had decided he didn't care, and he wanted to leave and wanted "something better," but every step of it felt wrong to him. But he kept pushing it, because he thought it would be better for him in the long run. When he finally set aside that feeling - that determination to leave - he gained clarity that he didn't want to leave at all.

I'm not entirely the pushover, eternal optimist I seem to be here. I have a strong cynical streak, and, um, yeah, not entirely buying it. But I have no way to process what happened or why.

I was pretty checked out of this marriage much of the summer and early fall, wrapped in baby regrets - the lost pregnancy, the secondary infertility. Those things are still there. I am still so sad about my fertility, or lack thereof. Right now, I don't know what to do with that sadness. Where to put it, or how to process it, or what to do with it. I turn 40 in 8 months. 40 in 2008. Not really looking forward to this new year.