Wednesday, October 31, 2007

job offer

So, the job from yesterday's interview called. And offered me the job. AT 50% MORE THAN MY CURRENT SALARY. 50% MORE.

I said wow, I was so pleased, and I wasn't sure after the way things ended yesterday. They said they really liked me and thought I'd be a perfect fit, and they wanted to offer me more to make travel more possible - more money to pay my nanny, to have her accompnay me on travel, etc.

Wow. So blown away. I'm really not sure. A lot will depend on what starting a new organization really means. Are there any benefits at all associated? They're supposed to call me and talk through some details.

She really pressed, and so I said a tentative, qualified, yes.

I had another interview today. The people were very low energy, so I left very unenthused. I think it went well, and they are considering me for a high position, but again - 30-50% travel required. What is up with all this travel??

I also aggressively called someone I know at another organization. I know he has to hire people, and I know I'd be a good hire. I also know he's a bit scattered and if left to his own devices it's going to take a while. He can meet with me tomorrow - and I'm going to lay it on the line. I think this possible job with him might be the best family fit. Probably less travel. Certainly not a 50% pay raise. But good work, in a good atmosphere. And, most importantly, in a good area, with good public schools. If I have to move, I'd like to be someplace where my commute is not long at all, and school options are good.

A friend called me from overseas today. The first one truly outraged at what is going on. The first stand up for yourself call. It was good to hear, actually.

I'm still reeling. In 9 days, we've gone from me discovering his affair, to him agreeing to work on things, to him not stopping the affair, to him now saying he definitely wants out. It's too much too fast.


My husband found my blog. I had left the screen up on my computer. He was ok with it, mostly, seeing it as a way for me to relieve the pressure and stress.

But, he said he could see from what I wrote that he was sending me mixed messages. He wants to be supportive, he wants me to be happy, he wants me to get a good job, he wants my dad to be ok, and he wants to move out.

He says he's getting greater clarity, and that clarity is how to spend time with our daughter, and get separated and get divorced. He's tried for the 12 years we've been together, and he can't keep trying.

I knew things weren't great. I thought I had time - work on myself, find a better job, and then work on our relationship. I still maintain, and will always maintain, that he's doing this too quickly, without enough warning and without really trying. Walking around sighing is not trying. Bringing things up and talking them through is trying.

But I can't force him. Lord knows I wish I could. But pressuring him and getting in his face, and forcing the issue only drives him further and further away. Not that you can get much further, but still.

I need to focus on how I get through this. How I make a life for our daughter - for us together. How I can manage being a single mom. I am petrified, there's no denying that. I'm also so so sad to lose what I thought was my rock.


Fear is a powerful thing. It eats at you, working its way into each cell of your body.

I am full of fear right now.

I had a great job interview today. It went really, really well. Until, somehow, near the end I mentioned I had a child. And they mentioned traveling. And it suddenly turned into a long discussion of how much travel I was willing to do, and how much travel this job might take. Weekly travel for a year? Maybe. I admitted it concerned me. I said I had turned down a boring solid, stable job last week, that I was attracted to more exciting, more demanding jobs. But still……I can’t travel weekly, obviously. If things are to work out with my husband, that’s too much time away. If things don’t work out, that’s too much time away from my newly abandoned daughter.

I’m not scared about the job. I can turn this one down, too, and something will come along. I’m getting closer, I know it.

I’m scared because my husband was more distant over the phone the past 24 hours. Last night when I talked to him he told me that our counselor had said things were TOO volatile between us right now for drastic action. He should not move out at this point. That was good. Later in our conversation, I said something like, I’ve just been nervous all day. Maybe you’re meeting with our counselor because things really are over for you, and you need her help to screw up your courage to tell me. Or maybe you’re just confused, and need her to help you sort out what you want. He just sighed, and I thought, oh shit. Then he said, can we just talk about it tomorrow, when you are home? And I thought, oh, god, no. But of course agreed.

His brother called him last night, and DH told me today the brother had said, just be really clear about what you want. I said I didn’t think he was clear, and he said he wasn’t.

We’ve talked a handful of times today, me relaying the interview stuff, talking to my daughter when she woke up from her nap, me telling him about my troubles getting home with bad flights canceled, etc. I’ve felt he’s been distant.

He took our daughter into his work today, had lunch with some co-workers. He later told me she was in a meeting all day, so it was ok. He respected my wish for him not to share our daughter with her.

We talked briefly at one point about this coming weekend – I said I guess your family isn’t coming to the football weekend, right, given what is up with your dad. He said no. I said I’d like to go, and he said let’s talk about it when you get home. Oh god.

I sent him an e-mail from the airport that laid many of the things I’ve been typing here out. I just needed to put it out there.

I called him before boarding, and told him how delayed I was. He said he’d be asleep by the time I got home. I hesitated, and asked where he’d be sleeping. He said our bed, which is good.

He then said he had an appointment to talk with our counselor tomorrow morning, and wanted to be out of the house before taking the call. We have a nanny, he said he didn’t want to tell her what was going on. I said I was glad he was talking with the counselor again, and he said yes, she had appeared glad he had called to make the phone appointment (she’s on travel). I said, so just more talking things through? And he replied, yes, if this is the path I want to follow, how to go about it. I said, this? And he said moving out.

Oh god, no.

I kept it light. OK, sounds good, see you tonight, we’ll talk tomorrow. But inside I’m breaking again.

The ups and downs are just too extreme. I’m positive he can’t give up his powerful attraction to this girl. I know he’s hurt by the troubles in our marriage. I’ve hammered him and hammered him that he OWES it to me, and our daughter, to try. To give us a second shot.

But with this other person there, how can he. He doesn’t want to, I fear.

I want. So many things. I want to go to this football weekend. I want to go to dinner together at a friend’s house next weekend. I want to travel together to see my dad. I want to go away for a weekend together someplace fun. I want to immerse myself in him, and TRY. He wants to sleep with his 25-year old direct report.

What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to react? What is my course of action?

I called HR at my work today. I confirmed our discussion was confidential, and then learned I’d probably be eligible to apply for Family Leave, if my counselor will sign paperwork that says I need some time at home. Unpaid time, of course. I just don’t know how good I will be at work these days. I need to be strong for my daughter. She knows something is up. At 2, I can tell my sweet, sensitive girl is worried about me (when she’s not being a typical 2-year old!). I can’t put this burden on her, and force her to grow up faster than she should. I have to keep it together. And I don’t know how.

My first counseling session is Thursday. Maybe that will help.

An hour and a half til we land. I’ve already had one small bottle of whiskey, just trying to take the edge of panic off.

Monday, October 29, 2007

hotel hates

I HATE when the full-length mirror is on the back of the door directly facing the toilet, so you get to watch yourself using the bathroom.

Especially when you have your period.


(on the plus side, I've never interviewed for a job before when they've flown me out. And provided a gift basket in said hotel room!)

hanging on

So, this was supposed to be a blog about pregnancy loss, possible secondary infertility, rants about my daily life, and ultimately a triumphant story about life.

Instead, welcome to the my life is collapsing blog.

Things in my marriage were following a plan. My in-laws picked up my daughter, my husband and I had a really good dinner out, really nice relaxing check in with each other time, we cuddled on the couch later that night, slept in, went and ran a few fun errands, and headed up to my in-laws. Traffic was terrible, and DH was frustrated. He’s an impatient person, and this traffic was as bad as it gets. Things finally started moving and we started talking – reminiscing, asking each other thoughtful questions, focusing on each other. It was really nice. And arrival at my in-laws was great – very welcoming, very family loving type atmosphere. Our daughter was happy to see us, but happy there, too. And she was being adorable with her cousin. There were so many times Friday night that my husband and I caught each other’s eyes and just smiled. Ah, I thought.

And then Saturday morning my mother-in-law watched my daughter and my husband and I went back to bed and cuddled. And he got turned on. And so did I. He reminded me we had agreed to put sex aside at our meeting with our counselor. Too charged, she felt, right now. I disagreed – I was turned on, he was turned on, I wanted him. I hoped he wanted me.

Our sex life is a huge issue between us. It always has been. He has issues of control – losing control too quickly during sex. It’s been a long festering issue that blew up 4 years ago (a story for another time). The year after our daughter was born, I simply wasn’t in the mood most of the time. And then the pregnancy loss – well, all I can say is that my sex drive had just this summer started to come back. And we had had some good sex this summer, particularly early on.

But something happened in late summer/early fall. We started trying to get pregnant again, and the resulting secondary infertility has been hard on me. Sex became nothing but mechanical. Not having a good sex life is the number one problem in our marriage – but I’ve been so focused on myself, my infertility, my deep desire to get pregnant again, that I didn’t care we’d had crap sex for the past 2 or so months. Just didn’t care.

And that’s what’s come back to bite me in the ass.

Anyway, we had a passionate encounter Saturday morning, with me taking the lead, which rarely happens, especially over these last few years.

And my husband felt he had issues with control. Though it was really, really good for me. It was not psychologically good for him.

Saturday morning we hung around the house then went out to run errands. Then late afternoon, went to a sportsbar to watch some college football. He and I weren’t clicking. He wasn’t there, he was someplace else. Partially caught up in the game, but also just not there. I knew something was up, though not sure entirely what, and hoping against hope it wasn’t too bad.

This is going to be like a seven page post. There’s soo much to type.

We needed to leave early because my father-in-law developed a prostate problem, and needed to go to the hospital to have pressure on his bladder relived. My mother in law had a time dealing with him and our daughter while we were out.

So we head home, and instead of being asleep, my daughter was suffering from a bit of I guess separation anxiety – wouldn’t sleep in her crib. I started with her, and my husband relieved me, and I said, ok, I’ll be back up soon to relieve you. So I went downstairs, where my sister in law was working in the kitchen. My sister had been text messaging both me and my husband just for fun. While I was in the kitchen, my phone buzzed in the other room, and my husband’s did too. Thinking it was my sister, I picked up his phone. But of course it wasn’t.

It was his girlfriend – XOXOXO, I want you.

My blood just froze. How could he?


I was shaking.

And then I dialed.

She answered tentatively:


This is DH’s wife. I need for you to leave my husband alone.

Did you know that my dad had triple bypass surgery this week?

Yes, I did, and I’m sorry.

Did you know my husband and I suffered a devastating pregnancy loss this past spring that has totally rocked our marriage?

No, I didn’t. I’m sorry.

I need for you to leave him alone. You will regret it if you don’t (said angrily).

Are you threatening me (said defensively)

(whoosh, all the air out of my sails). No, God, no, I’m not threatening you. I’m sorry. I am making a HUGE mistake calling you. I just needed you to know that you can’t do this to another woman’s marriage.

Does he know you’re calling me? Where is he?

He’s upstairs soothing our daughter to sleep. A daughter that is upset and needs her daddy. Needs him married to her mommy, and in her life 24/7.

I think you should talk about this with him.

Look, when I was your age I had an affair with a married man. It ended badly, as it always does, and I regret it to this day. This can’t end well.

I am uncomfortable have this conversation with you.

Look, I am blowing my marriage right now. This call is going to kill things. I just needed you to know you were hurting a PERSON. Two people. A two year old who needs her daddy, and me, who needs her husband right now.

I can’t talk to you any longer.

I know. Bye.


God, what did I do? I knew, despite the fact HE was in the wrong, that he would be enraged I had done this. I’ve also got to hand it to her, she stood her ground. I’m not dealing with anything that is going to be easy.

Then I paced. And paced and paced. I couldn’t relieve him, because he’d come down and text her since he had privacy and then it would all come out. I needed to tell him, and deal with it.

Then he finally came downstairs.

Me: we need to go outside and talk

DH: I KNEW it. You couldn’t leave it alone. I knew you got on my phone.

Me: it’s worse, we need to go outside.

Once outside I told him I had seen the messages. And he was screaming at me that I was so wrong for getting on his phone. And then I told him about the call. And he lost it. SCREAMING. Hel-lo, neighbors, welcome to my disfunctional life.

I stayed fairly calm. I had to.

We argued, and fought, and talked. And talked, and it wasn’t good. He was going to sleep on the couch, force me to drive home Sunday, while he took the train, and he was moving out Sunday.

He actually said that things were starting to click back for him – he was starting to warm up to me, but I had killed it with that call. He had been willing to work on things but now wasn’t.

My main thread was that I knew he hadn’t been really willing, I had known he wasn’t “there” and as long as he was still involved with her he and I couldn’t work on things, he had promised me and our counselor that he was putting her aside to work with me on our marriage, and he owed it to me and our daughter to work on things. And that I had known he hadn’t given her up.

He said he had tried to end things, but she was upset, and he missed her, and after two talks about ending things, he discovered he wasn't able to.

I finally went to bed, and slept maybe an hour. I woke up just thinking over and over, what should I have done? Should I have pretended I hadn’t seen the text? Just tried to go with things, hoping it would just take a while and he’d come to his senses? Was he really close to clicking back to me, and what did that mean, especially if he was still texting?

So I got up, and wandered downstairs, and found him typing away on his computer. He was messaging her. He stopped, and we talked.

And this time it was better. He had needed to apologize to her, and then he told me she had said if she was in my position she would have done the same thing. (great, so it’s ok because a 15-year my junior homewrecking girl respected it???). We talked and talked and talked many things through, and I can’t even remember half of the conversation. We were both so tired. But in the end he said he wasn’t moving out Sunday, he would drive back with us, and he was coming to bed.

My daughter woke up as we came into the guest room, so we pulled her into bed where she cuddled tight between us. In many ways it was heartbreaking, but in other ways it had just the slightest feeling of family.

On Sunday, we got up, fed my daughter, and my husband ate. I am barely eating, but I am also about 50 pounds overweight, so I’m actually kind of pleased I’m not eating much these days. The my father might die and my husband is leaving me diet isn’t recommended, but I’m nearly 10 pounds down over the past two and a half weeks.

I spent some time talking to my mother in law. My husband had told her Saturday night what was going on. Her advice to me was not helpful – she thinks it’s over. Not because of our circumstances, but because of things in her life she’s projecting. She may be right, it really might be over, but not for the reasons she thinks. I still had hope (though my hope was narrowing), and I still have hope.

We drove home mostly quietly, though nicely.

And when we got home we had a decent, peaceful talk. We were sitting on the couch and my daughter was watching TV. And he said he was just so tired and sad, but that he understood that my actions were the result of passion, and he appreciated how hard I was fighting for him. He just didn’t know what was going on with him, and he needed space. He said he needed to move out because that was the only thing that might help him miss us and WANT to be back.

Maybe I am foolish, but as long as the door is not totally slammed, I want to salvage things. I know we can, if he can. If there’s even the slightest spark left in him, we can make it work. God, maybe I am the dumbest person in the world and need to face reality.

I don’t believe in divorce. I think people get divorced too easily. I think everyone deserves to be happy, and I don’t think people should stay married solely for the kids. But I think long-term relationships wax and wane. And effort and love can see them through bad times into better times, and even into good times. If there’s even a chance of that happening, I want it to, and will do anything to have it work out. It’s not in my daughter’s best interests to have to split her life between two households, two sets of families, splitting holidays, etc etc etc. – not having her father there 24//7. Her life would be better with him there than not, and honestly so would mine.

OK, so now it’s Monday. I’m on a plane to my job interview. My husband has his first individual counseling session this afternoon. More stuff happened last night, maybe I will write about it later. But my computer is almost out of battery, and I have tons of reading to do for this interview tomorrow. They told me to come prepared with knowledge of the background issues, and I am not prepared.

I need to focus on my reading. I’m glad I’ve typed this out. I actually feel better – it’s let off some pressure. I’ll type more later tonight. I don’t know what to expect when I call tonight and I am nervous about it.

I want to also mention that he drove me to the airport, and pulled my bags out of the trunk while I kissed my little girl bye. He pecked me on the lips, and I said come on, kiss me like you mean it. He said what do you want, but gave me a better kiss. Distant, but with some emotion. I told him I loved him and he said it back.

Ugh, seeing it all typed – I am hanging on by the slenderest thread, aren’t I?

Meanwhile, I’d be dishonest if I didn’t also type he had received a call from her while we were home this morning (oh, my mother-in-law couldn’t comedown to babysit, because of my father in law, so he’s working what he can from home today and tomorrow). Anyway, the call was mostly business, and he stayed within earshot. Near the end he was using short answers, so it had delved more personal, and I heard him answer “in a little bit” – I’m sure the question was when can we talk, when is she leaving, or something along those lines.

I don’t want him to move out. I think he needs space, but moving out just feels like giving him tacit permission to date his girlfriend. I told him they’d have sex before the week was out. He didn’t really respond to that.

He slept in our bed last night, and it was cold, and we cuddled tightly. He says I refuse to beleive he isn't feeling much for me, but I do know there’s not much emotion behind his cuddling. What I don’t believe is that there is none, and that there never can be again

OK, good grief, 6 pages of typed text. I wish I was better at analyzing. Right now I’m just disgorging. I wish I had readers to comment, though I’d probably only get kick his ass to the curb honey and count yourself lucky. I’m not there yet. I might get there, but as long as there is hope, I’m hanging on. Even if it is the slenderest thread.

Friday, October 26, 2007

my metaphor

There was a night this week I couldn't sleep - woke up at 3:15 am and was up all night. Highly unusual for me - I'm a 9 hour a night sleeper, feel ill if I don't get enough sleep. There's just been too much going on. I'm in crisis mode and I don't know how long this can last.

That night was the night before we met with our marriage/grief/loss counselor. Also the night before my father's initial heart procedure.

I spent a lot of time that night thinking, and this is the metaphor I developed -

I have been in a horrible accident. I lay in the fetal position, curled up, broken, battered, bruised. And my husband appears - and I think it's to help, but it's not. Instead of help, he starts kicking me. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Until there's nothing left. Oblivion.

My husband is not remotely physical. But he has hurt me so deeply this time I can barely function at times. He's being so nice and supportive about my dad. He's cuddling with me every night, and patting me and hugging me at random times. He may very well be trying. But my heart is still breaking.

So far so good

so I guess I"m learning how to wrap up threads - not much time to report, but my father is doing as well as can be expected. Surgery went well and he is in ICU recovering, and already frustrated at his limitations. Dinner last night went ok. My daughter is doing well. All in all, an even keel day. So far.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Empty house

We have a nanny for our two-year old, and our nanny has today, tomorrow, Monday, and Friday off. We've decided to cover that time using my husband's parents. They live 2 hours away, and have been desperate to watch our daughter from the beginning. At their house.

So, let's recap - my in-laws just drove away with the most precious thing in my life. My husband says he just doesn't feel anything anymore for me. My dad is in for triple bypass surgery half a continent away. I just turned down a good job offer, and yet hate my current job with a passion. All this against a whole back story of loss I've not even had time to get into yet.

Yeah, I'm a mess.

Despite the current situation, I'll use the DH shorthand for my currently not-so-dear husband. We actually have what could be a nice weekend lined up. Tomorrow is his birthday. With my daughter at my in-laws, tonight we're going out to a fancy, untimed dinner. (Untimed as in no pressure, for the first time in 2 years, to get back home to let the babysitter off). Tomorrow we're both taking off, buying him a suit, hanging out and having fun, then driving to my in-laws for his birthday dinner. We'll spend Saturday up there, then in Sunday drive back home to meet old friends for brunch, then off to a pumpkin carving party. My mother-in-law is coming back with us, and she'll watch my daughter Monday and Tuesday. On Monday, I'm being flown to a corporate HQs for a high level job interview for a dream job, and I have another interview for a different, intrguing, challenging position lined up for Wednesday. The the next weekend we're headed to a college football game for a reunion weekened with my husband's closest college friends and their families.

In short, a pretty damn nice life for the next 10 or so days. And my father is in surgery, half a continent away, having a triple bypass done. I NEED for this surgery to go well.

My mom and dad are very practical people. They explicitly said they did not want my brother, sister, or me coming this weekend. Everything should go just fine, and my husband, daughter, and I will spend a relaxing, nurturing Thanksgiving at my parent's house.

And yet, I have had a shit year where at every stage of the game, anything that could have gone wrong has.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Another for the list

When I first did my bad things/good things list, this particular thing wasn't on it. But jumped near the top after speaking to my parents this weekend.

My dad went in today to have a heart cath, and possible a stent, if, as they thought, one artery was partially blocked. I just heard from my brother, who heard from my mother - turns out his arteries were far worse then they thought. While information is sketchy (and second hand), looks like two blocked arteries and possibly he's already had at least one heart attack. He'll likely have double bypass surgery tomorrow.

My brother was very blase about it. No big deal. I of course am not blase.

Called my husband - he has a staff meeting late this afternoon that probably won't get him home til 7:30 or later.

"I should come home," he dithered for a while. I finally just said I'm fine, just do what you need to do.

He did suggest I look at flights, and I could easily get frequent flyer seats. I wonder if my husband meant he would come too. Hold my hand, be supportive.

Probably not.

what else is going on?

So, yeah. My life. Last week, I made a list of all the things not going well in my life. 19 things. And a list of things going well. 4. Maybe I'll share someday (when I have readers!). Maybe I'll keep it as a weekly list and try to move the bad to the good. I need a break.

One of the biggest other thing wrong right now is my job. But it's also the biggest thing going right. Bottom line, I hate my job. I'm done here. I could write much more (and plan to) but bottom line, in early September, I decided I needed to get off my butt and get a new job. So I started the whole "call a person a day" networking strategy (except of course it was e-mail a person a day). And scouring Craig's List and applying for anything remotely a fit. I've had good feedback, and am actually sitting on a job offer now. It's a good offer, but I am pretty sure in an hour or so I am going to call them and turn it down.

And that's freaking me out.

The offer is great, the schedule and benefits are great, the pay is good. The subject matter is outside my background, and I don't think I'm ready to make that leap. I have potentials in the pipeline, but nothing definite.

So here's where I am -
Gotta get outta here
Gotta get outta here soon
Have an offer that will get me outta here soon
Turning offer down
More interviews end of this week and next

It's important I take the right job. But boy, is it hard to turn down a job. My palms are sweaty just thinking about making this call.

of course I checked

No new texts. Maybe he is trying. Maybe they can keep it on a professional level. And maybe he's smart enough to instantly delete.

In other news, I have been awake since 3:15 am. And yet I don't feel like it. I think I'm getting by on adrenaline and despair.

not sleeping

It's 3:44 am as I start this, and I am, as my title so cleverly says, not sleeping. I am a good sleeper. I can always sleep, anytime, anywhere. Why not tonight? Perhaps it has something to do with my husband. I figured out on Saturday night that he was having an affair. His second in our 8 year marriage. Tomorrow morning we're off to our marriage counselor.

He wants out. We have a 2 year old. I cannot believe he is actively trying to leave this marriage, what he's prepared to do to our daughter.

The thing is, he has legitimate gripes about our marriage. It's not terrible, but it's been tested in ways that have been oh so unfair this past year. Too many pressures. I've not been a good steward, and I've not looked out for his needs. Oh, but that's so never an excuse for cheating. We've moved from a place where he could have been legitimately griping about our marriage and we could have been working on it together to a place where he is perpetuating a huge wrong. With his 25-year old direct report. He of course insists it's not been physical, just emotional. I'm not sure I believe him, given that they were traveling together last week.

So now I sit in my living room, thinking about checking his cell phone for more incriminating evidence at 3:50 in the morning. That's how I discovered it - they are text message addicts. He's an idiot. I mean seriously.

OK, boy, writing is hard. This is why I haven't blogged yet. How do I convey my anguish, my fear, and my loathing in mere words? I walk around sick to my stomach. We agreed that we needed to try to get back on track - spend more time togther, be more loving, rediscover each other. We've not done that for far too long, and it's cost us. And yet, at the same time, I look at him, at his sleeping form next to mine, and all I can feel is hate. How dare he. Who does he think he is? I force myself to put my arm around him and bile rises in my throat.

And so I sit, at now 3:54 in the morning, and I type. And I feel the pull of the cell phone. A middle of the night snoop. I hate this.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

starting out

I've wanted to start a blog for sometime, but have been too chicken/busy/unsure/scared - take your pick. But most importantly, I couldn't figure out a good name. A name says it all - who you are, what you have to say, why you're here. I had name anxiety. All the good names were taken, and anything I could think of wasn't good.

I was in a group counseling session talking about some recent troubles when I said, I just didn't know who I was anymore. I had been infertile, I had suffered a miscarriage, I had a healthy baby, I had a pregnancy go horribly wrong, I was suffering from secondary infertility (gee, wonder why I was in counseling?) - which box did I check to describe me? Where did I belong? And how could I uncheck some of the boxes and keep the ones I wanted (happy and healthy mom and wife, namely).

So that's it. That's me. Unsure of who I am and why I'm here. Not happy much of the time, struggling to figure out my place. Where do I belong? Where is my box to check?