I have reverse body image dysmorphia. That is, I think I look fine. I think I look good. I feel good, I feel like I look good. And then someone snaps a digital picture and hands me the camera and I see a double chin. Or I catch a glimpse in store front window and am dismayed at the bulk of my body compared to others around us. Or I pick up a shirt or pants in a store and think they look the right size, only to find them impossibly small in the dressing room.
Losing weight isn't supposed to be about looking good or body image or buying clothes, but about health, right? And I feel great, feel like I have energy and am light on my feet. But, I am also not pregnant. I am not a happy pregnant person: I feel huge, and my back aches and my legs ache and I am so tired and I have no energy. So just not being pregnant means I feel relatively awesome. I can walk up to my attic office without huffing and puffing, as happened nearly all of 2008. But that shouldn't be my measuring stick.
Because I'm not healthy. I'm not at a healthy weight. I keep losing and gaining the same 4 pounds over and over again. I think, gee, I need to work on this, and a week later am at 183. I think gee, this is a drag and I want MORE MORE MORE dessert/chocolate/cheese/to veg in front of the TV, and the next week am at 187. Wash, rinse, repeat. Since December. Not lower than 183, not higher than 187. At least I'm consistent?
I know what to do. I know how to do this. I just don't have the day to day motivation to make that lifestyle change. And I don't know how to get it. Or at least I think I know the how. Eat less, exercise more. It's a simple equation. Write down everything I eat, figure out how much excess I am eating, cut back, eat more filling healthier food and less empty calories. Walk 20 minutes every day, and throw in some stength exercises plus a yoga/stretching class once a week or so. And I know I could be down 20 pounds in 2 months. I know this. I believe this. And I do not do this. And I do not know why.
Do you know why? Any ideas?
1 day ago