EE

I have another gmail account, a personal one that I've started using regularly, and so I stay signed into gmail all the time. To post here (or to comment), I have to re-sign in with my Which Box account, which is why I haven't done any posting or commenting, though I am still reading and thinking of the friends of Which Box.

I've found myself in near tears several times yesterday and today, and it's because of the passing of Elizabeth Edwards. She was many things to many people, and certainly by all acounts a very special woman. My kinship with her was of course over surviving infidelity. I have hated those political commentators who reduced it all to simple terms - why didn't she-? why did she-? When did she know and what did she know and how did she know and why didn't she know and this and that and blather blather blather. The simple truth is this: No one outside of the two people in a relationship can profess to know the details of that relationship. And even then, all too often the two people don't have the same understanding, either.

I have been trying to think of what I might write, and I saw Tash had a post up and went there first, and once again I am reduced to tears. Please read it, if you haven't already. I was a very active blogger in 2007, so I don't know how I missed the original post, and I am sorry I did.

Elizabeth Edwards was a remarkable human being. The world is poorer for this loss.

oh.....hello

Well. It's been a while. Don't mind me, just puttering around here, doing a little tidying, picking up. When you leave unexpectedly, there's always a lot left undone.

I didn't intend to be gone so long. But when you go away, and stay away, it gets harder and harder to come back. I read everyone regularly for a long while, but then that slowed. Now I make the rounds every two weeks or so, leaving no comments. So I've missed a lot, and I'm sorry I haven't commented. I have grieved, and rejoiced, with you all. I have. The blogsphere has continued without me - marriages, pregnancies, babies, losses. New blogs, goodbyes. It all continues.

Me? Thanks for asking. I've had my ups and downs.

I was feeling a little sad and unsettled earlier this week and couldn't figure out why. My anniversary is Saturday, but upon reflection, that wasn't bothering me. I was surprised, though, that I had to remember that today, August 5, is a Date. A Milestone. Don't misunderstand me - I have the most perfect 20 month old son, and I a grateful for him every day. I love him with all my heart and he is a joy. And he would not be here if his older brother had been born three years ago today, or more likely a few days later. And I rarely think of him, or the pregnancy, and he's never talked about. And that is, for the most part, ok. But that doesn't mean that I don't miss him, or what might have been in another lifetime or parallel universe. That is not my universe, and that is mostly ok. Not entirely ok, but given all I have today, it.....well. It is what it is. It's my past, and even though it is not my present, or my future, it is there. So unsettled, this week, should not surprise me, but yet it managed to sneak up on me.

I don't know if I am back. But I needed, today, to open the windows and let some air in and get the musty smell out. I'll close it back up, slightly more carefully this time, and consider what happens to this space.

Take care.

a different sort of loss

So, shaken from my blahs by a bit of bad news. My daughter's best friend lives a few houses down. She is adopted, with two father (a gay couple).

I know that about 18 months ago, this couple tried to adopt another baby, but it fell through. No specifics. We haven't been too close with this family. We each have nannies, and the nannies are great friends, so our children play together. And we've been friendly with the other parents, but we each have our own lives and friends and it's only been in the past year or so - as weekend playdates and dance class and birthday parties and things have developed - that we've gotten to know them.

They have been excitedly preparing to adopt another baby for the past few months. It all seemed on track. The single mother had another child, became pregnant, and decided the adoption route because she wanted to go back to school and move on with her life. She is older, nearly 30, and seemed very set and mature in her decision, with a supportive family. There was lots of communication with my neighbors, the intended adoptive parents. It seemed good.

The neighbors had been kept in the loop as the due date drew near. The neighbors, including their 4 year old daughter, flew out for the birth on Sunday. They - including again the 4 year old - spent two days in the hospital with the baby and the birth mother and all was fine.

And today, they went to pick up the baby as everyone was discharged from the hospital. This is the separation point. The birth mother goes home, the adoptive parents take the baby to the hotel, a few more days of paperwork processing and they were heading home on the weekend.

The birth mother decided to keep the baby. She refused to meet with the intended adoptive parents. And that's it. That's all there is. A sucker punch to the gut.

Just got an e-mail from one of the dads, who asked that we explain this to our daughter before they get home tomorrow. He forwarded the explanatory e-mail the other dad wrote, which had a few details and asked everyone for understanding as they worked through this tough time.

I quickly wrote back how sorry I was, that I had no words, that we hoped they had safe and easy travels home.

And now what?

I don't think this will have much impact on our daughter. The family across the street just adopted a toddler from overseas, so we have been talking adoption - both the new friend and the new baby to be - but it's been a pretty abstract concept. My daughter, just this weekend, asked about another friend with two dads (this is urban living) and why there was no mommy.

One reason why we haven't made much connection with our neighbors is that they definitely socialize primarily with other gay couples, just as we mostly socialize with other hetero couples. (like with like kind of thing, we have no issues with them, and they have no issues with us).

I feel like I am navigating the shoals of infertility and baby loss from a completely different angle. This is baby loss - they knew this baby as their child for two days. I bet they named this baby. They have a car seat and a nursery set up at home. They expected to bring home a baby. They've lost another adoption. They are biologically infertile as a couple.

They are us, the collective us.

Any thoughts on what you would do for them, say to them, interact with them? I'd imagine they'd like to lay low for a bit. I don't want to gloss over, nor do I want to presume a closer relationship than we have. I don't want ot make it about me, but I keep thinking about writing them a note that says how hard it can be to make a family, that we get that. Do I bring them over a cake, banaa bread, a bottle of wine? Invite them to dinner? Offer to have their daughter over more to give them some time together? Send a card? Write a note? I don't want to say anything stupid - anyone done the gay equivalent of what not to say to someone who's just experienced baby loss? Nor do I want to pretend it never happened. I'd never, for example, hug either of them - we aren't that close. But I do see them so often. I think some sort of gift and a note that says we're so sorry for their loss and are thinking of them. Any thoughts?

Blah

Blah, blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah. blahblahblah blah. blahblah blah blah! blahblahblahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahblahblah? blahblah blahblah blahblahblah blahblahblah! blahblahblah blahblahblah, blahblah blah, blahblahblah blahblahblah blahblahblah blahblahblah blah.

blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah.

Yeah. That's all I got. Don't know why, actually have ideas for writing, but a bad case of the blahs has got me sort of reading, some of the time, but not really. Not stopping blogging, I don't think, but I need a break.

Also! I must e-mail Dora, but I have been carrying the (to me, at least) creepy ten plagues puppets around in my bag, and I WILL get them in the mail this weekend to make Passover. But that's about the only promise I'll make.

What's new in your world? How do you shake the blahs?

from the what the hell files

So the other day I was wandering through Bed Bath and Buy More Stuff when my eye hit upon...finger puppets? For Passover? Depicting the plagues? What the -?

Do people want their children to play with depictions of the plagues? Boils? Locusts? Darkness? Blood? And yes, the death of the first born?

Is this weird and creepy, or am I really ignorant of other's cultural practices? Who buys this?

ETA: Ok, wow. Who knew? Sadly, BB&BMS does not sell them online. My store must be lucky. You can buy them at the Jewish Store for $14, OyToys (great name) for $17.99, or, heck, a bunch of places for prices ranging from $14-$20. You can also buy a box set of toys for each of the plagues from Amazon, though why the first born plague is a nine piece puzzle is not clear. I, uh, had no idea. Although my catholic lenten sacrifice was to stop buying stuff, I have an idea for a giveaway. I'll happily mail one set of puppets to the first person who e-mails me (address at right). A better contest (from someone who receives more comments than I do) would be tell me what plagues you, or something along those lines, but I'll tell you, ever since I was a child, as a first born, the first-born thing - the whole reason for "pass-over" - has really, really scared me. I stay away from plagues.

thawing

First, thanks for sticking with me in my fits and starts. I have about 50 million posts in my head (ok 4 definite ones all thought out) and just no umph to get them out.

Second, NO, my recent bout of minor stomach virus resulted in NO weight loss. Must hope for more vriulent strain next time, I suppose.

So relations with my in-laws continue to thaw. My husband calls there once every ten days or so, and his mother reaches out to him, too, calling or e-mailing or texting about the same.

For Valentine's Day, she sent a huge gift box. My daughter got a goody bag of candy, two fancy spring dresses from Laura Ashley, and an outfit from Gymboree. My son got the same goody bag, two play outfits from Carters, and an outfit from Gymboree.

My mom sent cards to both, with stickers and a $5 bill.

My parents are very thrifty, very frugal, and enjoying their retirement on their own terms. I never worry about their future. His parents are spendthrifts, have declared bankruptcy, have a full mortgaged house, regularly spend more than they take in, vacation in the Caribbean, bought a timeshare, rely upon a pension, eat out frequently, and purchase lavish gifts. Who will take care of them once the money eventually runs out?

So I grew up living within my means, only buying what I could afford (which meant after money was put away for rainy days and future desires). And these gifts kill me. I love shiny new things are much as anyone. I love the dresses and outfits for my daughter. I used to enjoy receiving gifts from them myself. But I know the true costs of those gifts. Not what they cost today, but what they'll cost in the future, either in terms of expectations or family fights once they run out of money and require their children to take care of them. I don't want to pay either price. I don't want my kids to eyeroll at my parent's frugality and prefer big boxes from their other grandparents. I want them to understand value, not cost. I want them not to be swayed by shiny and new.

I think I just have to trust that values will win out. I also have to accept that they will develop their own relationships with each set of grandparents, and that's a good thing.

Just wondering

Is it wrong of me to hope a recent bout of a very minor (thank the lord) stomach virus has left me a few pounds lighter? Been snowed in, cold and stomach virus going through the household, and saw a mouse in the kitchen yesterday. Awesome.

I'll be back. Eventually.