oh.....hello

Well. It's been a while. Don't mind me, just puttering around here, doing a little tidying, picking up. When you leave unexpectedly, there's always a lot left undone.

I didn't intend to be gone so long. But when you go away, and stay away, it gets harder and harder to come back. I read everyone regularly for a long while, but then that slowed. Now I make the rounds every two weeks or so, leaving no comments. So I've missed a lot, and I'm sorry I haven't commented. I have grieved, and rejoiced, with you all. I have. The blogsphere has continued without me - marriages, pregnancies, babies, losses. New blogs, goodbyes. It all continues.

Me? Thanks for asking. I've had my ups and downs.

I was feeling a little sad and unsettled earlier this week and couldn't figure out why. My anniversary is Saturday, but upon reflection, that wasn't bothering me. I was surprised, though, that I had to remember that today, August 5, is a Date. A Milestone. Don't misunderstand me - I have the most perfect 20 month old son, and I a grateful for him every day. I love him with all my heart and he is a joy. And he would not be here if his older brother had been born three years ago today, or more likely a few days later. And I rarely think of him, or the pregnancy, and he's never talked about. And that is, for the most part, ok. But that doesn't mean that I don't miss him, or what might have been in another lifetime or parallel universe. That is not my universe, and that is mostly ok. Not entirely ok, but given all I have today, it.....well. It is what it is. It's my past, and even though it is not my present, or my future, it is there. So unsettled, this week, should not surprise me, but yet it managed to sneak up on me.

I don't know if I am back. But I needed, today, to open the windows and let some air in and get the musty smell out. I'll close it back up, slightly more carefully this time, and consider what happens to this space.

Take care.

Blah

Blah, blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah. blahblahblah blah. blahblah blah blah! blahblahblahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahblahblah? blahblah blahblah blahblahblah blahblahblah! blahblahblah blahblahblah, blahblah blah, blahblahblah blahblahblah blahblahblah blahblahblah blah.

blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah.

Yeah. That's all I got. Don't know why, actually have ideas for writing, but a bad case of the blahs has got me sort of reading, some of the time, but not really. Not stopping blogging, I don't think, but I need a break.

Also! I must e-mail Dora, but I have been carrying the (to me, at least) creepy ten plagues puppets around in my bag, and I WILL get them in the mail this weekend to make Passover. But that's about the only promise I'll make.

What's new in your world? How do you shake the blahs?

we interrupt for a bloggy question

OK, I need bloggy guidance of a technical sort. A past post, from November 2008, is continually receiving comments from spam. I have this set to send me e-mails when I get a comment, so I know what's going on. If not for that feature, I'd have no idea this post was attracting so much spam. I keep going in and deleting it, and then 2 more messages show up overnight.

Why one post from Nov 08? Is this a precursor to the entire blog being spammed? Should I worry? Do I just ignore, and keep deleting as I have time? Is there a way to stop this? Wait, hmm, you can close coments on specific posts, right? I should probably do that? On all old posts? Can I do it on specific ones? Oh ye of more experience - help!

The creme

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2009

I was just reading the instructions for the Creme de la Creme list 2009 style. I've never participated, but, well, why not? So I'll go through my archives and see if anything jumps out at me.

Or maybe I'll try extra hard to write something meaningful this month of blog posting. Today is not that day, however. I don't know what I've got, but it is terrible. And lingering. Last week I was blah and lethargic and felt like I had a slight cold. Over the weekend, it turned into full blown cold, plus cough. Sunday and Monday were horrible. And when the baby is sick, too....well, let's just say the get plenty of rest thing is, well, not exactly happening. Every day I think I must be getting better, but every day is blah. And then yesterday my throat started hurting like crazy. So do I have more than a cold?

Anyway, anything I've written this past year that you think is great? Are you submitting?

sick

*cough*cough*cough*

See you tomorrow.

blog-iversary

Two years, and this is my 300th post.

A lot has happened in two years. A hell of a lot. A solid year of either really, really bad or merely mostly bad. An uptick starting about with the arrival of the little guy. A messily defined period of time.

I think often about this marriage self help book I read years ago, where a woman wrote that in recovering from infidelity she had cried every day for two years. But had moved past it. It does hit me at odd times, though much less frequently now. Tuesday was a bad night, once i realized it was the mark of m discovering the e-mails. I had not realized any of the other key dates leading to this time. I see people in my blog cohort (for want of a better word) writing about grief and time. Niobe a very succinct one that said it all (as usual). Make no mistake, what I feel mostly when thinking about my marriage is grief - for what I thought I had, for what I wish I had, for what never really was. Recovering from infidelity - the gift that keeps on giving - is about coming to terms with what is rather than what you thought was.

unfortunately

I've had a ton going on lately, but when I was in a somewhat boring meeting I was clicking around and saw the unfortunately meme, so decided to see what turned up. Nothing on which box - which means "unfortunately which box" was a goolenope, until just now. Someone has coined googlenope for phrases for which not a single google hit pops up. I think there's some website or contests to come up with new googlenopes - I heard a funny one the other day but have forgotten, if I find it I'll link it back here - oh someone sent it in an e-mail - they had read it someplace - "the only white guy in my golf class." Funny.

Anyway, so Unfortunately [Which Box's real name] yields a few good ones:

• Unfortunately, [Which Box's] ardent supporters began turning on her...
• Unfortunately, [Which Box] made things worse by showing up at the review board drunk and accusing the hospital administrator of having a vendetta against her.
• Unfortunately, [Which Box] is unaware that the last man she was with is entangled with the mob.
• Unfortunately, [Which Box's] in rehab, not for substance abuse, but for exhaustion. She's just plain tired.
• Unfortunately, [Which Box], your short questions require long answers.
• Unfortunately [Which Box] was told by the doctor that the chances of her conceiving were very slight and so they stopped trying only for [Which Box] to discover a few weeks later that she was pregnant.

Wow, through a very fuzzy lens it does kinda parallel my own life. (note: very, very fuzzy lens)

the good and the bad

Sunday we celebrated the little guy's 6 month b-day. There's been good news from my little blogroll on the right over the past 6 months. Antigone's Perseus, Niobe's boy, CLC's Denis.

But then there are the reminders that not every story leads to the heart's desire. And your own heart breaks. Kym's betas started low and fell over the weekend. Chance's last chance. I'm so sorry. And I'm angry. Has anyone watched the awful Real Housewives of NJ? I've never watched any of the other shows, but given my in-laws, we thought we'd try out this NJ show. And it's awful, but not in-law awful. Last night we finally watched the second episode, and one of the housewives (the only one that seems like a decent person) went to the fertility specialist (after her 4th miscarriage). And he told her the same thing my RE told me. About half the time, the doctors can find no real for infertility or chronic loss. Half the time the doctors have no idea. How is that freaking possible? How, in this world where science and medicine can do so much, is fertility such a mystery? How can there be no answer? And how can no answer cost so freaking much money? It makes me angry. But, mostly it makes me sad. I wanted another baby in the blogroll. Chance and I once spoke to each other about hope. She helped me find hope. I wish there was something I could do for her.

Tash and I were thinking alike today. In addition to Kym and Chance, she points to two additional stories from the weekend. Not a great weekend for happy stories.

blogging for good

I never do this, but this time I'm stepping forward and promoting a good cause. I've written before about Gwendomama - her story of loss is heartbreaking, her writing is clear and lucid and compelling. She has been treated very, very badly lately. Very badly. Domestic violence and abuse badly. And right at the time when she should be allowed to have space and time to continue to grieve the loss of the precious Elijah which pisses me off almost more than the rest of it. Almost.

Her blogging friends have banded together to help her out of this financial hole she was forced into. I've never mentioned a cause before, I don't think, and I've never asked anyone for donations. More than anything, I want you to go to Gwendomama and show her support. She has a lot to get through. And, if you are so inclined, one of her genius friends made this little widget that allows donations through paypal.



When your husband - the one who helped you say goodbye to your precious son - doesn't pay the bills for months, despite telling you he has; when he chokes you in front of your living son, a mere toddler; when he uses classic abuser techniques like blaming you for reporting the incident and breaking up the family; when he uses what meager funds are in the joint bank accounts to bail himself out of jail - well, hell, you could use a little help and support.

Eye Opening

Wow - have you been over to Niobe's place lately? On Friday, she opened her comments section to anonymous confessions. And boy, have they rolled in. I was curious to see what people might write. I think of blogging as very confessional, so I couldn't imagine how these comments would be different. I don't know about you, but I am blown away - blown away - by the number and intensity of unhappy relationship/infidelity comments. The statistics are pretty stark - a high percentage of marriages experience infidelity, and the majority of those marriages survive.

I've thought about writing Mel at Stirrups Queen and putting me on the list in a new category - how reproduction difficulties exposes flaws in your relationship, or something slightly more catchy than that. (ideas, anyone?) I have on my perpetual to-do list to get added to the blogroll, but I can never decide where I might belong - relationships suck after infertility? (I have some progesterone to donate, so I have got to get this off my to-do list and onto the done list too, and pronto. I'm calling myself out here so I can actually get it done).

I am fairly certain the intention of anonymous confessions is to open it up, let it go, and never speak of it again. So here I am, violating the first rule of fight club by talking about fight club. The guilt, the questioning, the depressions, the fear and worry - all of that seems, to me, to be a more raw extension of what we read in blogland. Not much there surprised me. The relationship stuff - I don't read that much online along those lines. I was, am, surprised by those comments. There are times I feel like the one of just a few people struggling to keep a marriage together, and wondering if it will last.

Do you want to talk about fight club? Anything surprise you, or not?

My Mondrian

A cool Friday afternoon activity - check out Dead Baby Jokes for the explanation.

It's very.......monochromatic. Which is really not me at all. I am a profusion of colors, swirled, sloppy, spilling over. So, um, actually probably not very Mondrian whatsoever.

What great comments on my last post. And for inspiration, check out Am I Doing OK? today. She is doing very well, indeed.

Make your own self portrait as a Mondrian. Like Niobe, send me your link and I'll post it here.

Rainy Monday

My dad's cataract surgery is today. Was today. Is now? My parents said they had to report to the doctor this morning at 6:15, and the surgery would be around 7 or so, he'd be done by 8. My mom asked if she should call then or just wait, and I said I'll be up at 8, call then. (while intellectually thinking, there's no way he's in and out by 8 am, that never happens so don't freak out when you don't get a call!) So it is 9:54 and there is no call. I should call. Normal people would call. In my family this would demonstrate an unbecoming level of anxiousness/hovering/peskiness. Besides, no one ever goes in and out by 8 am. There are always delays. So I do not call.

I am going to call. No, I am going to wait. Garr.
--
So I also learned yesterday that my uncle, the widower of my father's sister, has just been diagnosed with bladder cancer. Just a few days ago, I was thinking it had been nearly a year since her passing, and I wondered how my uncle was doing. And I thought - yes, I thought this - of how often, in close couples, there is a second death following closely on the heels of the first. How one cannot be without the other.
--
I have been spending some time tooling around the blogosphere. I discovered Gwendomama a few months ago, not sure what lead me there. But I've been hooked. Maybe because the pictures of her son who is no longer here are so stunning. He is/was an absolutely stunning child. That hair! That face! I cannot tear my eyes away from his deep, wise gaze in any/every picture she has ever posted of him. Stunning is the only word that is barely adequate. She is having a tough time right now, on top of the already tough times, and my heart aches for her, what little I know of what is happening.

Rain, rain, go away.

--
They called, he's fine, just longer than expected. And my mom ends the phone call by saying, well, I won't call your brother at work, or your sister at work. My family. Worriers need not apply.

uninspired

Well, hello there, if there are any readers left. I don't know what it is, but my motivation to post has just completely dried up. Or maybe it's been subsumed by too many other things on my plate right now. Nah, I could always find the time before, so somehow it's a lack of motivation.

Both Niobe and Antigone told their readers they were going away. But neither has, though postings have slowed a bit. There is something about the new baby/adjusting to new schedules thing that gives you a bit of a pass, but I don't know why others have stuck with blogging and I've lost interest. I had actually built up a good readership, and since I think in numbers and progress, there was something very satisfying watching my stats creep up. And now of course they've bottomed out. I wonder if watching the stats (a newish pursuit) made this less about the writing? Or if I've just gotten bored with the introspection? Or, just busier with higher priorities? It may be as simple as that.

The new job is going well, but I'm out and about in meetings, so it may just be that lack of sitting in front of the computer time leaves little blogging time.

I don't know. What keeps you motivated? How do you find the discipline to post regularly?

bookends

Sometime after midnight, my stats showed I'd had over 40,000 page loads over the lifetime of this blog. Also in the middle of the night, I clicked around and saw Niobe's news that she is taking a break. Two big milestones, for me.

I understand Niobe's break, I think. I started reading her soon after she started blogging, when I was in the pit of my own baby loss misery. It's not an exaggeration to say she was a lifeline at that time. I devoured each post, each word, each picture. And when my life really went to hell in a handbasket, she was a support. Despite the hints and clues she divulged in her blog, dead baby jokes has always been about baby loss, and now, with baby born, I can imagine it's hard for her to know how to continue. Of course the community she's created is cheering her on and (at least in my case) wants to know more, to continue to follow along, but given what dead baby jokes is and is not, it's hard to imagine how it might transition. I hope it does. But I also know from first-hand experience it's difficult to blog in the first weeks of new baby land. And, poetically, it is like bookends right now - from loss to gain. Not that this baby changes the loss, or ends the loss, but the game has changed. I hope this break is temporary. What she's been able to do, more than most others, is create comnmunity. I've gotten into several conversations in her comments, and met more new blogs through her than almost any other way.

When I first posted about Mel being in the running for the Weblog awards (she won btw! yay!), I checked out the other categories, and noticed size as a differential. Small blog, large blog - determined by Technorati authority. I don't usually pay much attention to stats and ranks and things, but every once in a while it piques my curiosity. And I checked my own authority - 15. I'm in the top 400,000 blogs. When I first started, I was in the top 2.5 million. And then I checked a few others. Of all the baby loss blogs I checked (not many), Niobe was the only one with an authority over 50.

I think a lot about why I blog. Early on, I desperately needed the outlet. I was telling another blogger last week that I hadn't made the leap into forming real life relationships out of blogging. Partly it's a time issue - squeezingout blogging in the margins. Partly it's an anonymity issue - how can I integrate blogging friends into my whole life? And that's WhichBox talking, completely - categorizing my life, putting groups of people and activities into different boxes and never the 'twain shall meet. My husband knows about the blog, and knows I share deeply personal things, and I know it makes him a bit unsettled, and so I tend to keep it all to myself. When we talk about his parents, I often use suggestions or examples from comments, but I never say someone from blogland suggested...

I sometimes think about opening up more, letting real life friends know about this blog. And for now, that might be ok. But there's those archives over there on the right, with a hell of a lot of vulnerability and pain and anguish in the beginning. And I can't be that vulnerable with people I know. And while lately I've stayed on the job or the in-laws, there's more personal stuff to share. More on marriage and family and life. So private I remain.

As this little blog has grown - from miniscule to tiny - I've made a few, tentative connections. My personal nature is to reach out, to make friends, to create community. That's why this place I'm in now in blogland feels odd to me. While I'm shy, I'm also gregarious at the same time. Blogher sounds fun. Meet ups sound fun. Connections, calls, e-mails....in real life, I'm the person pushing for all of that to happen in new groups. I'm the happy hour organizer at work. The reunion planner from high school. As I've gotten older, it's tapered off, I've withdrawn more into myself. I no longer can chat on the phone, actually. I like my alone time. Sometimes I think I like being the organizer because then, at the event, you can stand separate and just watch. And so with my college friends, I've consciously stepped back. Become just a participant. Tried to enjoy just being in the group, quietly. A new role.

So. That's a little more about me. Standing on the edges, wondering how/if/when to really dive in. We'll see. Maybe.

How do you reach out? Have you formed real life relationships via blogging? Why do you blog?

never-ending

So, the fuckers at the part-time contract job emailed me this morning. Thanks for references, we'll call them in the next two weeks and decide by the end of the month. WTF.

I am really beginning to dislike these people.

I mean seriously. In my experience, references are the final check before the offer. I guess they are using references for - what? deciding between people? I am using one of their BOARD MEMBERS for a reference, for the love of god. I am connected. I am good. I would be good at that job, and I'm having a hard time believing there's intense high-level competition for an average-paying part-time contract position. So, that put me in a bad mood this a.m. I did not take down the tree yesterday. And this morning the city crews came around and picked up trees. Didn't make lentils yesterday, and the prep (slow cooker recipe) was a bitch today. And the little man? Wouldn't eat off the left boob, leaving me lopsided (and uncomfortable). In sum, crappy morning.

So I went to the movies. I've Loved You So Long. Eh. It was ok. At least I was out of the house.

But then, after the movie, I got another e-mail. Instead of my to-do list yesterday, I applied for a job. And I got an e-mail asking for a phone interview. Interview is tomorrow afternoon. I need a job. I WANT a job. I want a part-time job, but I can't do anything more about them, so I need to take what I can get. Once I'm employed again, I can start maneuvering for a better job, or a better situation, or part-time, or telework, or whatever. But I need to get over this and just freaking get a job.

In other news:
- have you hear about the pending situation where used kids clothes won't be able to be sold in Thrift stores? Aiyiyi! Also, toys won't be able to be sold by small toymakers? Check it out.
- Niobe's surrogate will be induced tomorrow! I am sure she is in a frenzy of anxiety tonight. Or denial. Thinking of her.
- Tash has a great post about Mel being nominated for for a Weblog Award in the category Best Medical Health Issues Blog. Tash's post is spot-on, I have nothing to add. Except VOTE (every day til January 13th. Mel is in the lead, BTW, as of this afternoon.)

Welcome

Everyone probably knows this already, but today is the day to congratulate Antigone - Perseus arrived yesterday, in perfect timing for the New Year. Like I think everyone else, I've been refreshing like mad to hear updates. I've been meaning to send her an e-mail outlining my top breastfeeding tips (I'm a bit of a lact-tivist, I have to admit, though I try to tone it down), and I still hadn't gotten my act together to send her a shower present. But now it'll be a new baby present. Congratulations.

In with the new

I have a bunch to catch up on (the baptism was fine, btw), but I remembered that when I turned 40 in August, I typed out some year 40 resolutions. So I just went back and checked them. Since it's the beginning of the year, and 1/3 of the way through my 40th (or is it 41st?) year, thought I'd see how I was doing.

1. More toned. I've made zero progress. Absolutely zip. And those two pounds I reported last week? Turns out a diet of mint M&Ms (mmmm, holiday mint M&Ms are THE BEST) will put two pounds on you. But seriously, I really do want some arm strength. So my plan is on Monday, when my husband goes back to work and my parents leave and real life starts back up (we've definitely been in an interlude these past 5 weeks), I'm going to sart with weight exercises, and also next week ramp up my walking with the little guy. My boots fit on my left calf, but my right calf is still too big, but not by too much. I might just fit into tall boots this winter.

2. Marriage. Sigh. I could type a novel. But I like what I typed back in August - either happily married or happily not. We were in joint counseling when I was pregnant, and it helped. I need that third person there to be able to share what I'm thinking. There are some great things about my husband and our life together. There are also some incredibly crappy things, not even considering moving past infidelity. I am still so hurt - and so angry. I really don't know how this one will turn out.

3. Out of debt and working. I still have that part-time job possibility. They said they'd call references next week. They also told me the contract amount, and it's decent. Decent enough to continue to live frugally, slowly pay off debt, finish smallish, neccessary house projects, and maybe, just maybe build up some savings. Or at least go on a small vacation. Otherwise, next week I also start back the networking and job applying thing. I have a handful of jobs for which to apply, and there's just been no time. Next week when the house is quiet (relatively).

4. Organized. I spent a lot of the fall decluttering. We threw out a ton, donated another ton. There is now a playroom in the basement, where before it was crammed full of old crap. The front bedroom was also cleaned out. In the next month or so we'll transition my daughter out of her small room into a bigger bedroom, and eventually the little man will be out of our room into the small nursery room. The attic office needs some painting and needs furniture. Painting could happen this spring, furniture depends on the job.

If I was grading myself, I'd have to be a tough grader and give myself a C. Some real progress, but some things not started, some still unknown. Despite grade inflation, a C is not bad. The only thing about my list is it's so typical, lose weight, get in shape, get organized. Not an original thought on the list, and certainly, as typed out here, too vague to be useful. For myself, I'll make these more concrete and achievable and will have to report back, hmm, April? 2/3 of the way through my 40th year.

I think I'll add to this list get my blogging life in order. There's just been no time - no quiet time - to post, or comment, or organize the blog. I appreciate the comments and want to get out into blogland more this year.

So, are you a resolution maker? The usual, or something more unusual?

NaBloPoMo

Welcome to year 2 of my participation in NaBloPoMo. My own personal shitstorm had just really gotten going last year, and NaBloPoMo gave me the structure to post here every day, during what was, to put it mildly, a difficult month.

It's hard to believe now that the real storm - the real in-your-face awfulness - was just over a month long. October 20th or so (discovery of affair) to December 5th (decision to work on the marriage). Of course, the months leading up to October were awful, but for reasons I didn't entirely understand. I thought they were pregnancy loss and infertility related, but I was both right and wrong (Tash got new car insurance (along with a host of other things, not remotely making light of her experience at all, I really identified with her post); I got what I got). And the months after have been sometimes awful but mostly hard. It's not easy to recover from infidelity. I was thinking last night - what was the worst? The nadir? The absolute bottom? Is there one point that I could identify as the worst? It's a fruitless exercise. The whole thing sucked, and ramifications continue to reverberate.

A year older, a year wiser, a year later. Some things are better, some things are not. But I'm still here, and ready for the challenge again. A few regular readers found me through NaBloPoMo, and I've enjoyed meetings others, too, so I'm in for another year. Despite what I hope will be a major interruption in just a few weeks (but maybe I can configure my phone to post - hospital food: still bad).

So, just today's update - the letter to my in-laws was sent on Thursday night. My husband did edit it to suggest he call them on Sunday. He called them Thursday afternoon and left a voicemail that he was sending an e-mail and hoped they'd reply.

No reply yet. Which, as he says, means they either did not check e-mail (which they don't do everyday) or did get it and are super pissed. Hard to even guess which one. Meanwhile, last Tuesday I mailed them professional pics we had taken, and they should have received them on Thursday. My hope was that might soften them a bit.

We are nearly 100% confident they don't know about the pregnancy. If they do know? And are still acting this way? Wow. That really might be the final straw for my husband. I still love my husband. I really, really dislike him sometimes. And I don't forgive him. But my heart does hurt for him. No one should have to send a letter like that to his parents. He's lived through the shitstorm too, even if most of it is of his own making. He gets it from all sides. I worry he doesn't have his own outlet for what he's going through, which, uh, is kinda what got us to this place to begin with. Great. I hope we've both learned and grown enough to make it through.

So - who among you is also NaBloPoMo-ing?

blog love

Yay! Someone hearts my blog!

Always nice to be hearted, especially when it comes with a meme. Answer these questions with one word answers (yikes! 1 word! Brevity is not my strong suit. I may cheat.).

1. Where is your cell phone? Back pocket
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Golden brown
4. Your mother? Trying (both senses of the word)
5. Your father? Himself
6. Your favorite thing? Feeling glamorous
7. Your dream last night? Did I dream?
8. Your dream/goal? internal peace
9. The room you're in? Master bedroom
10. Your hobby? pastime? Blogging!
11. Your fear? Abandonment
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Happy
13. Where were you last night? Bed
14. What you're not? Together
15. One of your wish list items? JOB
16. Where you grew up? Small, small town America. You know, real, pro-America
17. The last thing you did? Grocery shopped
18. What are you wearing? Too big maternity jeans that keep sliding off. HATE.
19. Your T.V.? Prominent
20. Your pet? Siamese cat/semi-Westie dog
21. Your computer? Full
22. Your mood? Surprisingly cheerful
23. Missing someone? Not currently
24. Your car? Forrester
25. Something you're not wearing? Anything remotely stylish
26. Favorite store? Target
27. Your Summer? Gone
28. Love someone? Yes
29. Your favorite color? Multi/brightly/not neutral
30. When is the last time you laughed? 8 am
31. Last time you cried? Last Friday.

So who do I heart? Many many. Antigone's been tagged, as has one of my favs where I lurk, I'm a smart one.

Am I doing ok?
Wabi-Sabi Life
The Muddled Sage
Jeez Louise
Please Give me Back My Heart

And, it looks like other people have been tagged already, so I'll stop at 5.

But this reminds me, as part of year 2, I want to do a little cleaning up and reorganizing. If you're a reader and want a blog link in the good old blog roll, let me know! I've slowly been adding blogs to my reader, but haven't done any cleaning up here since last year, so I'm past due.

Blog-iversary

Today is my one year blog-iversary. If I had my act together, I could have timed it to also be my 200th post, but I've been a blogging slacker this week.

Wow. A year. A long, long year of lots of ups and downs and downs and a lot of medium, too. Getting to know other bloggers and creating a bit of a community online - a high. So thanks for reading and commenting and just making this a nice place to be. I told Antigone when I met her that for me, blogging was journaling. But that in real life, I've never managed to journal for more than, um, a day. So this is a meaningful date, in a time period of remembering too many bad anniversaries.

So I was thinking about boxes. A year later, which boxes am I checking?

Pregnant? Check. 36 weeks tomorrow.
Married? Check. Still, and working on it. Slowly. Verrrrr-rrrrry slowly.
Unemployed? Check. Unhappily so.

I ask in my header - happy? Sad? Angry? Can I check, check check? All of the above, though angry is, and will always be, tough for me.

And I've been tagged by the awesome Tash, so I have a post for tomorrow. See you then. And next week, and for, I hope, the long haul.