Too much

Let's see. Our daughter is sick. I'm now sick. My husband is sick. We still don't have everything set up. Nor do we have the room to set it all up. The c-section was moved up by two hours, which is great, except I was planning on those two hours Monday morning to pack and get the final things ready. We have mountains of laundry to do. Out of dog food. Friends coming over tomorrow. Trying to cram everything possible into the day left remaining.

I think I might actually enjoy a few days in the hospital.

If it Ain't One Thing

It's definitely another. First, everything is fine. Just another example of things getting complicated.

So, off to the pre-op. I have a fairly healthy skepticism of the medical profession. At least I think it's healthy - and basically based on I think their major practices are based on the convenience of the health provider, not the receiver. And pre-op at the hospital is another example. It was pretty straightforward - arrived, checked in at admissions, filled out insurance paperwork, then two vials of blood. I was prepared for long waits, but was only there 40 minutes. But, certainly could have done the paperwork Monday morning. And given a full bloodwork set at week 36, not entirely sure why they needed blood. So, their convenience, not mine, and I was slightly grumpy about it, and pleased to be out in a relatively quick time (but say I worked a job where I did not have much time off - this was their convenience, not mine).

Headed home, thinking I had a few hour or so unexpectedly, and with no one around. I like my independence, and my parents had wanted to take me to the hospital! For pete's sake. So I was actually mulling over just driving around a bit, and was annoyed because the car seemed to be responding sluggishly. And was loud. And what was going on? It took me a mile, thinking maybe hole in muffler? A door rattling? What? When I realized, duh, I have a flat. Pulled over, and yep, rear tire flat flat flat. Oh, and did I mention how frigging cold it is right now? And that today was my husband's last day of work for two weeks, so he had a whole series of meetings set up for today to hand everything off. And had I been driving on a flat all morning? How had I not noticed? (I pride myself on being a good driver). So a series of phone calls between my parents and husband and me - my parents have AAA, so they came out to meet me, my mom called the service, my dad took off to run more errands, and 40 minutes later they showed up and even plugged the tire (for an extra $30, which was high, but at least it's all fine). So, it all worked out in the end. But seriously? A flat tire? Though, let's put this in perspective, in the grand scheme of Things That Might Go Wrong, I'll take a flat tire any day.

pre-op

Tomorrow is my pre-op appointment at the hospital. I cannot believe how quickly these last few days are flying by. Meanwhile, tonight we went to a neighborhood meeting about school options for our daughter. Open houses for public and private schools start up in November and run through January. So in addition to juggling the newborn, we have to really think about what to do about school. She's eligible for pre-K in the fall, but there are still pre-schools, or keeping the nanny and taking extra classes (music, dance, sports) to fill a few mornings. Public schools. Magnet schools. Private schools of varying stripes. Parochial schools. Or.. or.. or.... there are too many choices. No wonder I have no time to think.

I wonder if the hospital has joined the 21st century and has wireless. Probably not, given the interference with medical devices issue. But that would be nice. I have visions of sitting around for several hours tomorrow while they do who knows what to me. Not like I had pre-op work done before my daughter's delivery. Somehow that managed to work out just fine.

I want to think

But there's no time. I want my time back. Hahahahahaha. Seriously. I think very very soon I will really really miss my whole days of doing whatever I wanted to do. Which really wasn't much at all, I am sorry to admit.

My daughter is sick. We've had two nights of terribly interrupted sleep. We're 5 days away, and she's clingy and weepy and whiny because she is sick. I need to recognize sick has nothing to do with world changing in 4 days, but at the same time I worry about her clingy to me and how that won't be possible oh so soon. But she's sick NOW, and she needs me, so cling away, right? Besides, in 4 days, being up every two hours will be the norm, right?

My husband met with his counselor today and was glad he did so. Played her the voicemail from his dad, and asked if he had characterized it correctly. She agreed he had, and added, but the tone of voice.......so angry, so bitter, so mean.

Basically, from what I've gathered, she's said of course he's sad, and of course that's a normal reaction. He needs to know he'll never change them - the are who they are, and it works for
them. So what my husband has to decide (together with me) is what he's willing to deal with from them. Her only suggestion at this time was to call them, say he had gotten the message and understood they were making this decision, and it saddened him but was their decision. That he would call them when the baby came and give them the news, but that was all he could deal with right now.

Given that it's only 4 days away, the other option is just to call them with the news. I really wonder if they'll pick up or if they'll screen whatever calls he makes. I think screen, but what do I know about crazy? It's impossible to predict.

I pressed him a tiny bit on what he thought he wanted. And he just said, you know, I just can't think about it right now. I want to not deal with this.

So he has another appointment in two weeks, which is a good thing. He said the counselor told him, as he was walking out the door, you should thank your wife for encouraging you to come. You need this outlet.

I really need a few solid hours sleep tonight, that's what I really need. Run a few errands tomorrow morning, and who knows, I might actually get time in the afternoon for me.

no time to think

Exhausting day today, though not quite sure why. The baby is shoved up so tight against my rib cage on the right side that I am going to make this quick so I can go lie down and find a way to be comfortable. My 3 year old is sick and whimpering in her bed right now, after we had a restless, disturbed night last night, so that's not helping either. I hope she sleeps tonight.

OB today said, yep, high and tight, so see you Monday for the c-section.

There's a tiny tiny little part of me that still wonders if I had a different OB - one more naturally focused - if things might be different, but mostly I think there's not much you can do with a baby that refuses to drop and a cervix that refuses to open.

So I'm calling it a night.

What's not good

So, yeah, it's Pepsi floats. Love them. Any type of ice cream - peach, cherry vanilla, mint chocolate chip, chocolate.....delish. I usually do not indulge, but what's the last week of pregnancy for if not indulging?

What's not delicious? Waking up at 1:30 am with killer heartburn. Not fun. Not fun at all. So no more ice cream for me before bed. I can't go through that again.

I loved Tash and CLC's posts on Saturday. Much food for thought. I want to write more about this, but my parents arrive today so trying to get a few things done first. I hope to be able to carve out thinking time tomorrow morning.

getting real

So last night we're watching TV and my husband looks at me and says, just think, in two weeks, we'll be sitting here with a whole new person in our midst!

If all goes as planned, and I have a c-section the 24th, the plan is to come home from the hospital on Thursday, Thanksgiving.

A whole new person. It's easy to forget, in waiting-for-baby-land, that it's just not a baby you're waiting for. It's a new person on the planet.

Sometimes when my husband (kiddingly) gives me a hard time about being tired or being slow, I'll say, hey, cut it out - it's hard work growing a brain, and I'd like to see you try.

Last year, in a counseling session in December, soon after he had made the decision that he wanted to work on our marriage, he said, you know, it's just hit me that there was supposed to be someone else here celebrating Christmas with us (meaning the baby lost in February of 2007, due August 2007). That our family isn't complete, and is missing someone.

I remember just turning to him open-mouthed in shock and anger. Well, hell, yeah. Wasn't that what the past 10 months had been all about? Somehow, during his "break" from our marriage, he had managed to forget all about the loss. Or just bury it so completely he never saw that my troubles had turned into our troubles had turned into his troubles had turned into him wanting to leave the marriage for something better (ie, not troubled). I remember that counseling session as the first one where I truly got angry.

And now here we are on the cusp of a new person entering our life. It doesn't negate the loss, of course not. But I......I don't know. I don't know how to write this so it makes sense. Everyone approaches loss differently. For me, there's an alternate history of what could have been - maybe some alternate universe where the baby was fine, we never separated, he never had an affair, I never left my old job, and never lost the new job, wasn't expecting a baby now. And here, now, there is what is. Expecting a new person any day now. Sitting in our living room, with a brand new person on the planet.

Down to the dregs

When I first scheduled my c-section, the doctor said, well, remember how miserable those last weeks of pregnancy are. You might want to schedule as early as possible? But I really felt, in the absence of any medical reasons otherwise, that letting nature take its course was important. Letting the baby develop as much as he needed.

And now of course, I'm remember just how uncomfortable those last weeks of pregnancy can be. Can't go up a flight of stairs without pausing for breath, and that includes taking a rest halfway up, anyway. Can't get my breath at night. Back aching. And a tight, tight belly.

So now I'm down to 1 pair of pants and 4 different tops. A minor annoyance, in the grand scheme of things, but once you wear the same pair of pants something like 14 days in a row and you still have 12 more to go - not to mention going home from the hospital and some period of time after - it gets a little aggravating. Part of the issue is my daughter was born in September, so most of my former maternity pants are cropped pants, and it's too chilly for cropped pants. I'm 5'4", so a lot of pants are too long for me. Another problem is that I carry my pregnancies really, really high. So while I have a pair of jeans, they have nothing to grab onto, and just slide off. Hate them. And the last problem is the no job thing, so suffering through the same pair of pants day after day seems like a small sacrifice.

Oh, olive green pants - a color not seen in my real life wardrobe - how I hate you.

Tell me a story of your most hated clothing that you still, for whatever reason, wear.

13 days

It's so hard to believe how quickly these last weeks have gone. Every day flies by. I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow, and a long list of things to do before the appointment.

Meanwhile, my 38 week appointment was this morning - and as expected, "high and tight." This baby isn't going anywhere until the c-section. The OB had a little trouble finding the heartbeat, which she blamed on the doppler. But I was getting tense. The whole placenta in the front thing is getting old.

Last night I had trouble sleeping, and got up for a bit, thinking, hmm, he's not really moving that much (though he's got his butt stuck so far out my side I can feel it!). Maybe if I get up, it'll wake him, too. So after a pee break, clambered back into bed and tried to settle down again, and sure enough, movement started right away (whew). Except you know that careful what you wish for adage? Tap dancing, shadowboxing, and general mayhem ensued for the next 30 minutes.

Given my history, I'm for the most part reasonably confident at this point. But I know too much, have read too many stories, to be fully confident. It's an unsettled time, but the time is passing quickly. I seriously can not imagine the anxiety of someone who has a very different history than mine, who cannot feel confidence. I am thinking of you all right now.

getting some things done

Ok, my husband has an appointment with his counselor - but not until the 19th. At least he has one scheduled. I really do think he needs to talk this through, at least once.

And I had lunch with my former co-worker, and it was good to hear how dysfunctional that office continues to be. There are days I think I never should have left that stable job for a startup, look at where it's got me, but then I remember how much I hated my stable job and know things will (eventually) work out.

Tomorrow another OB appointment, to hear yet again no progress, no dropping, no dilation. I really see no need for internal exams every week at the end, but there you have it, that's what my practice does. And I should schedule another appointment with my counselor. But otherwise, a nice long nap this afternoon really helped.

Unlike last year, NaBloPoMo makes for very boring posts. I'll take boring right about now.

2 weeks

Tomorrow means the two week countdown begins. I have a c-section scheduled on the 24th. It's actually 2 days after my "official" due date, so there's a chance things may kick in earlier. I have a ton to do. Cleaning, organizing, getting things ready. Plus have to call my counselor and try and squeeze in another appointment. Lunch with a former co-worker to discuss jobs. E-mails to about 5 job contacts, to keep prospects alive these next few months. Getting my husband to his counselor to help him through rejection from his family.

Somehow those last 4 things don't really match up nicely with folding cute little onesies in freshly laundered piles, do they?

the drama never ends, or, they really are crazy

I've spent a lot of time thinking of what to call this post. God does answer prayers? How many shoes does this woman have to drop, anyway? Drama mama? OK, now I really give up? Apparently my soap opera has been renewed for another season? All I can do is laugh?

Yeah. Or, how about, the in-laws have reared their ugly sides, much like Putin peering in Sarah Palin's backyard. (That's too long for a blog title, plus no longer relevant, huh?)

Their exuberance over the impending grandson was over the top. A little too over the top. I knew that at the time, but thought it would be a bubble that would only burst once my mother-in-law figured out I was never going to leave a nursing baby at her house to be her plaything, or leave my daughter alone with her ever again. But I thought, and was depressed by the thought, that I'd have them gushing about my life for the next 6-9 months or so. That was my unspoken prediction.

My husband sends me a quick e-mail today: after they didn't call last night, knew something was up. The other shoe has dropped. Angry voicemail from my dad, no worries about them hovering about for the birth as they do not intend to be here nor ever speak to me again.

I call my husband, who is in a conference call. He says he'll play me the voicemail when he gets home, but basically, they thought about it and how dare we only give them three weeks' notice of the birth? It's unacceptable and they are done with us.

Oh, how I wish this is true. But I just feel it's another excuse for more drama. Our duty, now, is not to feed the drama. I said to my husband, ok, it's another letter, this one saying we're sorry they feel this way, this is their decision, the ball is in their court. Though, if they want a place in our lives, it won't be through passive attempts to send weak gestures. Once again, we're only interested in resolving conflict in calm, rational ways. And then we let it go.

Seriously. I've moved to the I don't care stage. I don't care. And also the, could they make this anymore about themselves? I mean seriously. How dare we only gie them three weeks' notice? Wow.

My grandfather from the old country had a short little saying: "spit up!" He'd say it anytime someone was acting angry or acting out in any way. You'd look at him quizzically and then he'd explain with hand gestures, too - Spit up, and see where it lands.

Or, another way of saying, cut off your nose to spite your face.

I was worried all summer about telling them. Worried how they'd react. Now they've reacted, and it's so over the top it's become a farce. It's actually laughable. To me, at least. I am going to insist my husband see his old counselor, despite the cost. He needs some validation right now. And I'm going to do what needs to be done these next 19 days and focus where I should - my family - my husband, my daughter, my soon to be born son, and myself. The rest will sort itself out.

letting go

As usual, Niobe makes a very perceptive comment. When you can't solve a problem, give up.

I've asked time and time again in this blog, what should I do about my in-laws. And I've gotten great advice, and heard tons of stories about difficult family members, learned lots about narcissistic personality disorder, gotten tremendous support, and been very grateful, but it's not solved the problem.

I've told you before how I grew up in a small southern town, where church was the center of my social life. There's an expression - let go and let God. Give up, let go - it's the same. There's nothing I can do to 'solve' the problem.

Like Antigone, I decided to just bask in the profoundness of that comment and relax a bit yesterday, though after relaxing the tiredness took over and I took to my bed for the afternoon and felt a bit sorry for myself. Physical exhaustion, plus physical uncomfortablness, plus stress = a teeny tiny pity party. But that's over now.

We'll see if they call tonight - they knew I had a doctor's appointment, so we'll see how intrusive they try to be over the next week or so. (there's a line - hard to define, but how they act in the next week or so is going to be very telling.)

And so in medical news, the 37 week appointment was fine. The baby is super high; the cervix is tightly closed. The doctor said, ok, so you know this baby is not coming through this pelvis, right? And yeah, I know. I had a c with my first, and while natural was my preferred option, sometimes you just know. If I was carrying differently than from my daughter, or even if this baby does drop, and the cervix does open a bit, who knows? But I'm not going to stress about it. Healthy mom, healthy baby. That's the only goal.

Sundays

It's hard to think of something to post on a Sunday, so a short little cheater post. No news from the in-laws. My husband will, I think, call them tonight. I hate listening in to his side of the conversation, so I'll definitely be in another area of the house.

In other news, I wish real nesting kicked in for me - have you heard of people who have a ton of energy and rush around doing all sorts of things in the last weeks of pregnancy? Well, I nest in the sense that disorder bothers me, but I don't have a lot of energy to do anything about it. Yesterday I ran some errands and 3 people brushed passed me with muttered excuse me's. Yeah, I'm slow. Get over it.

writer's block

Bleah, I've got nothing too interesting to post, or maybe just no energy to post. The results from my 35-week bloodwork came back and my anemia is worsening - hmm, perhaps because I am not taking iron supplements. There are uncomfortable side effects, and I was feeling ok, and I've added red meat into my diet so thought I was ok. But, the iron starts up this week. I got STUFF to do and need motivation.

But, at least one writer's block has thawed. We (mostly my husband with limited input from me) wrote the letter to my-laws last night, and I think my husband is e-mailing it today. Here's the text:

Dear Mom & Dad,

It’s unfortunate that we’ve not really talked or seen one another for the past 10 months. A lot has happened. We wanted to write to you not to rehash the past but to explain what we’d like to do to move forward as a family.

Our chief concern is [daughter] and making sure that she is not inappropriately involved in disagreements between us. We will have disagreements in the future, and that’s OK. Hopefully, we can resolve them in a civil manner between us as adults and not involve any of the grandchildren. In the heat of the moment, statements like “I’m no longer her grandparent” are extremely hurtful, and acting like it is simply inexcusable and unacceptable. She is a gentle child who adores all of her grandparents. She will always be your grandchild, and we know you adore her as much as we do. As her parents, we will not put her in a situation where she could be directly or indirectly hurt or confused.

Our other main concern is showing respect for the decisions we make as a family. We have never intended to hurt or slight you in any way. Of course, you are free to disagree with decisions we make, and we appreciate your advice and counsel when offered with “no strings attached.” We need to be able to have disagreements in a civil, rational, constructive way and work together to develop a common understanding of whatever situation we are facing. This means changing our behavior as individuals and changing the way we interact with one another as a family.

Lastly, we need you to understand that 2007 was an incredibly difficult year for us. We are still working to strengthen our family. We want you to be a part of our lives. We need your understanding and your support. We want you to spend as much time as practicable with your granddaughter. For that to happen, we need to come together and agree to work on the aspects of our relationship that we expressed above. And to address the concerns that you have as well.

We love you both. And we look forward to being a richer and stronger family.

Love,

[us]

Wow. We'll see what this brings us. Probably nothing good. But trust me, you'll be the first to hear.

* ETA - Meg in her comment brings up the really important point - no, they still don't know about the pregnancy. The plan is send the letter, talk on the phone, tell them then. My husband was going to tell them in person, but after many discussions, we decided phone was best. First, he was going to take time off work - time he doesn't really have and that we'd rather spend when the baby arrives. Second, one of the hassles about his parents is their demand to rehash, over and over, and "negotiate." Well, negotiate what? Why not talk on the phone, when it can be more controlled, and if it gets out of hand, husband can say, ok, well, this not going well, let's talk again when you're calmer, I'm going to hang up now. (the general advice for disengaging with people who are trying to control you - refusing to let yourself be controlled). So, I actually suggested this morning he edit the letter to include a specific reference to talking on the phone.

I said to my husband, your mother is going to throw a fit over not knowing about this pregnancy before now. I hadn't really considered her reaction, but yeah. We're 3.5 weeks out. Not a lot of time to adjust to the news. But, that was their choice. Somehow they'll deal.

3

I know. I know that I am (we are) crazy. I'll get back to that tomorrow or Wednesday.

Because today is my daughter's third birthday. I am exhausted from a whirlwind of activity today and the past three days. And I am over-emotional from hormones and everything else.

I never felt a connection to my daughter when she was pregnant. In fact, I hated being pregnant. I was worried about maternal death as the due date approached. Please make sure they save me if anything starts to go wrong, I asked more than once. Choose me if there's a choice to be made. It was my crazy pregnancy worry. There were days I worried that I was a prime candidate for postpartum depression. I had no special feelings for the baby growing inside. It was kind of cool, but I think too abstract. I had been hurt from the previous early miscarriage, but I was confused by that hurt, confused by why I felt it, when logically, and scientifically, I felt nothing in particular. But emotionally, I did.

So, 3 years ago yesterday, my water broke in the middle of the night. I did everything I could to being labor on, including a long walk with my knees together by the end because of the dripping water (ew). Finally went to the hospital 16 hours later and started the pitocin, dilated not even a centimeter. 12 hours later, no further dilation, I caved into the epidural. 8 hours later, dilated a whopping 2 cm. And said yes to the c-section. And a little after 4 pm September 22nd, my daughter was born. And in the millisecond that she was removed from my body, I fell completely and utterly in love.

It hit me like a bolt of lightning. I wasn't prepared for that intensity of feeling. She is, without a doubt, the love of my life. Happy birthday, my little sweetpea.

Busy!

People shouldn't post unexpected doctor visit posts and then disappear for a few days, hmm?

But I'm ok, rested most of the weekend, and no further pain. My parents arrived Sunday, so no time for anything other than a few comments on other's blogs and a quick update.

Had job interview today. Was totally ambivalent as job is located over and hour's commute away. So I called the head of the search committee on Monday and said I'm pregnant, not sure I'm up for this or you'd want me (more elegantly than that). We decided I should still interview - honestly, as others have said, if the choice was between me and someone else, I'd chose someone else nearly every time given the particulars of this job, demands of commute, and new baby on the way. But always good experience to interview, huh. Biggest shock - I wore the same thing I wore for the interview Aug 20, and yeah, I've grown. No more hiding it, that's for sure.

Doctor's office called today - all results from last week were fine. take it easy, drink lots of water, try not to stress too much.

So, no stress. Just trying to enjoy this week. More later!

unexpected doctor visit

Just back from the doctors. Yesterday I ran some errands - nothing major at all. But found myself leaning onto my shopping cart, clutched on as sharp pains hit. I was at a craft store, and I kept shopping, albeit more slowly as they continued to hit sporadically. While I am quite crafty and can plot and scheme with the best, I'm not craft-y at all. Yet with my time at home I want to do a few crafts/decorations for my daughter's birthday. I confess to thinking, well, if this means bed rest, I better finish shopping so at least I'll have some projects to do. I also had the panicked thought of crap! We have no name!

I took it slow the rest of the evening, and was uncomfortable, but not terribly so. I was pretty sure it wasn't labor, but still. I called this morning and they said come in. The doctor came in with her concerned face, but as soon as I described sharp stabbing pains on the side of my lower abdomen, she relaxed. Round ligament pain, in all likelihood. Good to come in, good to check it out, they'll run tests, but that's probably all it is. Rest a few days, get a belly band.

So, my feet are up. I may just read a chick lit novel. These are the days I'm glad we've kept the nanny.

new counselor, new counseling

Tomorrow is my first appointment with a new counselor. I know, having been through this drill before, that the first appointment is kind of getting to know you and figuring out where you are and how counseling can be approached. I'm a teeny bit stuck, though, on how this is going to go tomorrow. She's the experienced one, so I'll follow her lead, but I have a LOT of freaking ground to cover.

I've written a couple of times about the past few years. Hmm, here's one. There's another, I know, but I don't feel like weeding through to find it. Bottom line is a lot of shit has happened over the past few years.

I was a little sad Thursday night about the delay in the job (absolute end of my rope frustration just gave way to tired sadness, finally). My husband and I just sprawled out on our bed watching crap TV, him trying to just be there for me. At one point I said, I just don't know where my life went so off track. And, I meant all of it - him, the marriage, the in-laws, working, fertility, the whole damn thing. After a few quiet minutes, he said, maybe it's not off track, maybe this is the track it's supposed to be.

And yeah, in some ways he's right. There is no one point where it All Went Wrong. It just is. And it's now all bad, but lately it's been a lot of bad.

I think I want/need to go to counseling to focus on getting it - my life - in some sort of order that works more often than not. I can't hold onto everything. But I also can't just let go of somethings. And most importantly, some things aren't going to just disappear. I fret a lot - A LOT - about the in-laws. While believe me, I LOOOOVVEEE where we are now - not speaking, not interacting, no contact - that just doesn't seem to be a situation that can be maintained. Last week my brother in law texted my husband - can we talk about something? My husband ignored it for a few days, thinking it was about my daughter's 3rd birthday, coming up soon, and how his parents might want to be here for it. But he did call his brother, left a message, and hasn't heard back. With the start of college football season, my husband has mentioned calling his dad, another fanatic, more than once. I'm nearly 7 months pregnant and they don't have any idea (I don't think, but brother in law could have spilled the beans in his "helpful" way). I feel something building, and know there will be a break sometime.

So, while there are any number of ways to focus this appointment tomorrow, I think my ultimate goal is to get through all of the story enough to even get to the part where the in-laws become a factor. Because, all these months later, I still don't know what is a reasonable, sane response to insanity. And goal #2 is focusing on some level of rebuilding this marriage in a way that works for me and for him, too. Weird that's the secondary goal. I feel sometimes we could just keep going on the marriage, without "working" on it, but I know that's only patchwork for another couple of years, and we need to get beyond all this and get to something new.

My list is long - the marriage, the betrayal, healing after betrayal, still hurting after betrayal, in-law insanity, body issues, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, job loss, sense of self loss, guilt over job loss/finances, anxiety over jobs, working mom vs stay at home guilt.......where do you even start?

Anyway, my point is I think I'm going to write a little cheat sheet to make sure I get through everything - as complete a story as I can. What do you think? If you were starting counseling, and there were half dozen or so reasons why you wanted counseling, how would you approach the first meeting?

sweet

Today was the blood glucose test at the OBs. I'm at 25 weeks, so choked down the sweet stuff and sat a while, just reading a book.

I thought my best news of the day was I only gained 2 pounds the past month. That's good news.

But, when I got home, I had a call from the science center very near my house. They are a public/private partnership, and I had applied for two job openings - one through the private supporting institution, the other through the local government. I hadn't heard anything, and I know the person I'd be reporting to, and am friends with the wife of someone in the office itself. My friend told me this weekend they had been interviewing, so I was bummed, thinking another pass over. It never occurred to me I wouldn't even get an interview there (yes, I appear to have a vastly overrated sense of self this job hunt is certainly helping squash). But, I VOLUNTEER there for Pete's sake. I thought I was a shoe in. The call today was from the government side. Interview next week. That means three interviews in the next 3 weeks.

I've also found a family one block away looking for a 20 hour/week nanny share. We'll meet this weekend and discuss.

And, my husband came home and said he's being sent off on a work trip. Before my anxiety levels could start to rise, he suggested my daughter and I accompany him. It's in the Pacific Northwest, so could be a nice pseudo-vacation. We have some airline credits from a work trip I was supposed to take this spring, but couldn't because of the family funeral. Or, I still have a ton of frequent flyer miles, and the way the airlines are going, I should use them up before they're totally worthless. We'll see - it might be too close to get something affordable, but I'll try.

Last week was rough, this week is looking up a bit. Typing it out helped. A lot. Thanks for all who commented. Meanwhile, the weather has been gorgeous, I went on a long walk yesterday, and I've only gained two pounds this past month. Wohoo.

I think I might go get some ice cream! If only we had some brownies. Mint chocolate chip with hot fudge will have to do. What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? What's your favorite dessert?