Rainy Monday

My dad's cataract surgery is today. Was today. Is now? My parents said they had to report to the doctor this morning at 6:15, and the surgery would be around 7 or so, he'd be done by 8. My mom asked if she should call then or just wait, and I said I'll be up at 8, call then. (while intellectually thinking, there's no way he's in and out by 8 am, that never happens so don't freak out when you don't get a call!) So it is 9:54 and there is no call. I should call. Normal people would call. In my family this would demonstrate an unbecoming level of anxiousness/hovering/peskiness. Besides, no one ever goes in and out by 8 am. There are always delays. So I do not call.

I am going to call. No, I am going to wait. Garr.
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So I also learned yesterday that my uncle, the widower of my father's sister, has just been diagnosed with bladder cancer. Just a few days ago, I was thinking it had been nearly a year since her passing, and I wondered how my uncle was doing. And I thought - yes, I thought this - of how often, in close couples, there is a second death following closely on the heels of the first. How one cannot be without the other.
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I have been spending some time tooling around the blogosphere. I discovered Gwendomama a few months ago, not sure what lead me there. But I've been hooked. Maybe because the pictures of her son who is no longer here are so stunning. He is/was an absolutely stunning child. That hair! That face! I cannot tear my eyes away from his deep, wise gaze in any/every picture she has ever posted of him. Stunning is the only word that is barely adequate. She is having a tough time right now, on top of the already tough times, and my heart aches for her, what little I know of what is happening.

Rain, rain, go away.

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They called, he's fine, just longer than expected. And my mom ends the phone call by saying, well, I won't call your brother at work, or your sister at work. My family. Worriers need not apply.

medical

a few medical thoughts:

My period came back today, four months and two days after giving birth. Apparently my body has a relentless desire to procreate.

My parents called last night. In the past, I used to sometimes blow off their calls (caller ID) if I was in the middle of something or busy. Not a mean blow off, just a I have bigger things going on blow off, I'll get to the parents later kind of thing. No longer - I always answer now. But, I realized last night as I reached for the phone, when I see the caller ID my heart doesn't skip a beat. I think I have to get this what if, but my heart doesn't feel oh no. So, my dad has cataracts. Surgery to remove them in early April. Which has to be balanced against his blood thinners for the 'deep vein thrombosis.' His leg has been getting better, and he's feeling ok. The cataracts don't bother him, he said, but good to have them removed before they get worse. Since in my family we don't gush or worry out loud, I said, wow, what is going on, it's just one thing after another. I know, said my mom, he's falling to pieces. We've had a busy couple of months.

They don't sound worried, but they never do. I'm a product of this family, so I don't feel worried. Except for the dull thud of dread in the pit of my stomach, which I try to ignore. He's 67, will be 68 in another month. Too soon, too soon.

And then last week, I wanted to do a post but was just busy. I'm a brand loyalist, which extends to my tv watching. Love Grey's Anatomy, loved the Addison Shepherd character, HATE and despise Private Practice, the spin off show. And yet I keep watching. Last week's story is the beginning of Addison possibly having an affair with the husband of one of her patients. Her patient who has suffered two pregnancy losses and is in the midst of a third, very difficult pregnancy. Infidelity combined with infertility as entertainment. I fucking hate this storyline. And yet I cannot stop watching the damn show. It starts in a few minutes, so I will watch.

Oh, bonus point, non medically related - I had a dream last night about my mother in law. I dreamt we went someplace close by their house, and so stopped in to see them. And the MIL was perfectly nice and reasonable, but my father in law refused to see us and stayed upstairs the entire time we visited in the living room with my totally rationally sane MIL. Weird. Very weird.

(and Andiamo, thanks for the nice words!)

easing

Called my folks today and got my dad. He's feeling better, not in as much pain. He did try to see his doctor early (had appointment scheduled for today), but the doctor was totally booked. So he saw someone else, who adjusted his medicine slightly. And gave my dad food for thought, as he sits in his recliner with his foot elevated. New doctor said he should have been in the hospital, but the danger had passed, so there was no need now. And new doctor gave him some other tips and information. My dad said, come to think of it, when he had the ultrasound to diagnose yes, there was a blockage in a vein, the nurses said they would call his doctor with the news. And when they came back after calling the doctor, they seemed surprised the doctor just wanted him back in the office, not directly to the hospital. So, my father plans to get through this, then find a new GP/internist.

My mom's family is the one who refuses to visit the doctor unless it's clearly absolutely necessary. I'm that way, too - oh, it'll pass, it's not that big a deal, it'll be fine. But I do know sometimes it is a big deal. I try to keep that in mind for myself, but yet I have no 'regular' doctor - just the OB. Once things settle down a bit - after my annual OB visit in the early summer - I plan to find a good GP and have a real physical (the first in, I don't know, 10 years or so?). Though, see, this is where I always talk myself out of it, I'll still be breastfeeding, so I should wait.....but really, I'm 40 now and should have a real workup, cholesterol, screenings, the works for my age. I did ask the OB about mammograms starting at 40, and that is the one test that does wait til after the breastfeeding is done, so I'm ok there.

Feeling slightly better than I have been. My father was cheerful and sounded like himself, though he did say he needed another week before going back to work. He is on the mend, though, and that's what matters.

I was thinking today, though, of his weight, and his heart issues, and how I so desperately want him around another 10 years at least (he's 67). Really another 20 (or 30). (Or forever, honestly.) And how I think he really should exercise more (though the bypass has resulted in him regularly exercising doing therapy), eat better, and drink less (alcohol). The same applies to me, too. I want to stick around a long, long time. And carrying this excess weight, and eating junk food, is not the right path.

My public service announcement - visit the doctor. Take care of yourself. And I'll do the same.

Do you go regularly? Am I unusual in not having a physical in a long, long time? Or do you just rely on your OB appointments to catch things?

Worries

Last week I got a call from my sister. Have you talked to Mom and Dad lately? No, I hadn't. You had better call them, I just hung up and Dad has a blood clot and it's the size of a small child and he can't walk and there's a risk of stroke and why don't they ever call us and tell us these things, why do we have to call them before we hear anything.

What?

So I called. He's had this happen before - blot clots in a vein, backing up from his groin to his knee. He told me it had happened in 1961, when he was 19, and again in 1972. I remembered - I was 4 - he had the vein removed from his leg and was laid up for a little bit. They have him on blood thinners, and he's not to walk around or move much so it doesn't dislodge, they want the blockage to dissolve.

My father had triple bypass in October '07. And in the past 10 months his older sister and older brother have died. He's had a rough time of it lately.

I talked to them most recently a couple of days ago, and I should call them today. My mom cheerfully reported, 'well, everyone I know who has a blood clot is in the hospital, but not your dad! The doctors hope this will work, but his leg is swollen and he's in a lot of pain.' I talked to my dad, and yeah. I've never really heard him sound like that. In a lot of pain is, I think, an understatement. He was scheduled to visit the doctor on Thursday, but they were going to call and try to get in earlier. I really should call them today, but the huge denial part of my brain wants to just wait til they call me.

I've not surprisingly been unsettled all this week. The conversation with him was awful - I could hear how much pain he was in. I feel helpless. And there isn't anything I can do. Just waiting. And hoping. And praying, too.

here

Made it to my parents. So much is swirling through my brain right now, I don't know what to type, what to save, what to start with, what it all really means. In general, I guess fairly typical for my life now.

My daughter is down in the next room over, trying to fall asleep. She's having a bit of a time. Last night we got in at 12:30 am, and she woke up. We went to bed at 1:30 or so, and she and I slept on a mattress on the floor (it was too late to set anything up). After half an hour of twisting and turning, she sat up, said, "Where's Daddy? Where's Daddy?" with an increasing note of hysteria, and then burst into sobs. I pulled her close and snuggled in and it passed, and she fell asleep. We had a good day today - she loves her grandparents and aunt. And the little kitty that lives here.

Tonight we talked to my husband, and she wouldn't really talk on the phone. And then in getting ready for bed (story, prayers), she started again, "where's Daddy? Mommy, I want to go home. I want to go home. See Daddy." I tried putting her in the pack n play and she was having none of it. I rocked her for a few minutes, in the dark, tears streaming down my face as she continued to call for my husband. I finally whispered I want Daddy too, and we'll be home soon.

When I talked to my husband earlier I wasn't sure if I should tell him she was calling for him. And when I did, he just sighed, and then said, yeah, I was wondering if she'd have trouble falling asleep there. (we had a time with her here last Christmas.) I know he didn't want to get into it, but, come on, so not the point. I just said, ok, well, sounds like you're busy, we'll talk tomorrow. And hung up.

There's a lot of time to think during a long road trip. And it really hit me that this is really over. At every chance he's had to soften, to open his heart, to think about possibilities - he's refused. I need to come to grips with that. And it's hard.

Told my parents today what was going on.

My mom - well, just don't humiliate yourself chasing after him.

My dad - he needs to take care of you financially. Is your car paid off? How much debt do you have? Do you have a lawyer? When can you move here, you need support?

They also said they were there for me, could come up and stay with me, and to hang in there.

My dad looks great, by the way. Much better than I expected. He tires, and can't lift things, but in general is exactly the same. It's a huge relief.

Grief is really hitting me hard today. I hope tomorrow is better.

getting mad

Ok, everyone is saying I need to get mad. So now I'm mad. Last week, husband worked late every night except Friday, and he "deserved Friday off" and went out with friends. Not a single night with our daughter, or helping around the house in any way.

Last night I ask him how the apartment hunt is going, and he says he's narrowed it down to 2 places. WTF. "Working" my ass. Jerk.

Last night he comes upstairs at 3 am, which wakes me. And then a dear friend calls from New Zealand at 5:30 am. And then my daughter wakes up at 6:45. I get her, bring her into my bed. At 8 we go wake my husband up. Oh, he says, I didn't realize she was up. He says I should go back to bed. I'm exhausted, and I start sobbing. Cry myself into near sleep. And then he oh so helpfully brings my daughter upstairs and she proceeds to have a tantrum/crying fit.

Why the hell can't he manage? Why is this all on me? I get up, calm her down, read her books, and just lose it with him. Scream at him for being worthless, no help at all, just wanting to be the fun dad but not a real adult. Scream at him to leave.

So, he left. Looking at apartments, I presume. Says he'll be out tomorrow.

Weekly update (I'm too frenzied to do links to all the relevant places, so here's the link to last week's update).
- My daughter and I are off to my parents for Thanksgiving. We leave tomorrow, driving 6 hours to my sister's, then on Tuesday driving to my folks, 10+ hours. Returning Sat/Sun. I should have bitten the bullet and flown, but am hoping it'll be fun. Sort of. My dad seems ok, sounds strong. I'll tell my sister when we're driving, and I'll tell my parents once I get there.

- I semi-accepted the job. They offered me a lot of money, and "comparable benefits." Every question I've asked was answered one of two ways - oh, you'll decide that as the program head, or that'll be covered in the offer letter. So, I decided since they weren't offering me any negotiating points, to proceed to offer letter - I wrote and said I'd like to accept the job, and if it all works out, I will, and if I can't get the offer the way I like it, I'll walk. I'll speak to the lawyer on Monday, and we'll have this week to hammer it out. They want me to resign my current job the 26th, and start with them on the 10th of December. Maybe one of these days I'll wrote more about this. Every single professional or professional/friend contact who knows says to take it. Only people who know me solely personally (and who are currently helping me through this emotional upheaval), or through this blog, have expressed any reservations at all. It is one of the only things that temporarily quells the anxiety.

- Weight. This is another long to come post. I've lost more than ten pounds through this ordeal. Which means another 10 to look ok, and 15 to look really good, and 10 more to be truly in the right BMI. I'm eating fairly healthfully, though not drinking enough water. Need to exercise. Aerobic.

- marriage. See above. Not sure where to go now. Take the week off and see what things are like when I get back, I guess? We have a joint counseling session the 28th. Not even sure why anymore, though I think we should keep it. At least it's a place to air things.

- anxiety. Sky high, though tempered by anger and excitement at leaving. The one thing about daily posting (NaBloPoMo) is that it buries posts. Particularly since I write so much, and particularly weekend posts. So check out yesterday's anxiety post.

The question still remains - any good ideas for managing anxiety?

weekly update

OK, so as usual too much going on. This daily posting thing is good, in the sense of discipline and forcing me to get it all out, but also a bit exhausting. I'm exhausted, and don't know where to go with a post today.

So, I thought Sundays I could do a weekly update, just to take stock. Things are happening so fast in my life, that maybe having a weekly record will help sort things out.

Let's build up to the big thing. Heck, these are all big things. I have TOO much going on in my life right now. Too much. Too much to bear, too much for any one person to shoulder. I was looking over the blog today, though, and noticed in my tags all I'm writing about is marriage. That's the crisis, I suppose.

My Dad - had triple bypass surgery a while ago. My god, I don't even remember when. I had to look it up. Two and a half weeks ago. He's doing ok, able to get up the stairs and take a shower daily now, so has made a lot of progress. I'm still trying to figure out if/how I can get there for Thanksgiving.

My job. Still hate my current job, and haven't even written about that. Hate with a passion, and doing a crappy job of it, too. I have an assistant (not a personal assistant, a junior staffer) and he's really stepped up and is covering a lot. I'm applying for FLMA, and just taking tons of time off for various counselor and doctor appointments.

Job offer. Still sitting on the job offer. Supposed to let them know Tuesday. Vacillating between two poles. A fool to take it, a fool not to. Slightly leaning toward taking it, but really not sure. Maybe tomorrow I'll write more about this, try to process it a bit more. None of my other interviews panned out in productive, immediate ways. The low-energy people are indecisive. The guy I sort of forced myself on wants to hire, but needs to go through a whole process. So this offer is good. And a big job. Interesting, probably very fulfilling. Maybe too demanding, given everything else going on in my life, and my desire (even before all the shot hit the fan) to spend more time to with my daughter.

Marriage. Ugh. We talked again today. He confirmed, as I knew, that I was putting too much pressure on him. He needs space, and I cannot give it to him. I want to talk, and work on things, and spend time together, and so on and so on and so on and it's making him crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming myself. Just acknowledging that if I want to try to improve things, I'm not. I'm going to try to let go, and wait until our joint counseling session Tuesday morning to put things on the table. First, I'm cheap, and it frustrates me to think of him wasting money on renting a place. (of course, to him it's not a waste). I need to talk about Thanksgiving, establishing boundaries, laying out a process. I should write it all out, to be prepared for Tuesday. After we talked today I left the house and ran errands, leaving him with our daughter. It was a good move. I came home to a more civil, pleasant guy. I suggested he do some painting tonight (I've not even typed about our work on our house, let's just say SIGNIFICANT) and he thought that was a good idea.

In general, for completely unknown reasons, I've been in a fairly good mood today. Even typing now, I don't feel the sadness and crushing grief and panic I've been feeling. I don't know why that is. Parts of our conversation were hurtful. Am I in denial? Right now I just feel matter of fact.

I am strong. I will survive. I will get through this all. I know that. I wish, I hope, I pray, it all works out for the best.

So far so good

so I guess I"m learning how to wrap up threads - not much time to report, but my father is doing as well as can be expected. Surgery went well and he is in ICU recovering, and already frustrated at his limitations. Dinner last night went ok. My daughter is doing well. All in all, an even keel day. So far.

Empty house

We have a nanny for our two-year old, and our nanny has today, tomorrow, Monday, and Friday off. We've decided to cover that time using my husband's parents. They live 2 hours away, and have been desperate to watch our daughter from the beginning. At their house.

So, let's recap - my in-laws just drove away with the most precious thing in my life. My husband says he just doesn't feel anything anymore for me. My dad is in for triple bypass surgery half a continent away. I just turned down a good job offer, and yet hate my current job with a passion. All this against a whole back story of loss I've not even had time to get into yet.

Yeah, I'm a mess.

Despite the current situation, I'll use the DH shorthand for my currently not-so-dear husband. We actually have what could be a nice weekend lined up. Tomorrow is his birthday. With my daughter at my in-laws, tonight we're going out to a fancy, untimed dinner. (Untimed as in no pressure, for the first time in 2 years, to get back home to let the babysitter off). Tomorrow we're both taking off, buying him a suit, hanging out and having fun, then driving to my in-laws for his birthday dinner. We'll spend Saturday up there, then in Sunday drive back home to meet old friends for brunch, then off to a pumpkin carving party. My mother-in-law is coming back with us, and she'll watch my daughter Monday and Tuesday. On Monday, I'm being flown to a corporate HQs for a high level job interview for a dream job, and I have another interview for a different, intrguing, challenging position lined up for Wednesday. The the next weekend we're headed to a college football game for a reunion weekened with my husband's closest college friends and their families.

In short, a pretty damn nice life for the next 10 or so days. And my father is in surgery, half a continent away, having a triple bypass done. I NEED for this surgery to go well.

My mom and dad are very practical people. They explicitly said they did not want my brother, sister, or me coming this weekend. Everything should go just fine, and my husband, daughter, and I will spend a relaxing, nurturing Thanksgiving at my parent's house.

And yet, I have had a shit year where at every stage of the game, anything that could have gone wrong has.

Another for the list

When I first did my bad things/good things list, this particular thing wasn't on it. But jumped near the top after speaking to my parents this weekend.

My dad went in today to have a heart cath, and possible a stent, if, as they thought, one artery was partially blocked. I just heard from my brother, who heard from my mother - turns out his arteries were far worse then they thought. While information is sketchy (and second hand), looks like two blocked arteries and possibly he's already had at least one heart attack. He'll likely have double bypass surgery tomorrow.

My brother was very blase about it. No big deal. I of course am not blase.

Called my husband - he has a staff meeting late this afternoon that probably won't get him home til 7:30 or later.

"I should come home," he dithered for a while. I finally just said I'm fine, just do what you need to do.

He did suggest I look at flights, and I could easily get frequent flyer seats. I wonder if my husband meant he would come too. Hold my hand, be supportive.

Probably not.