reverse body image

I have reverse body image dysmorphia. That is, I think I look fine. I think I look good. I feel good, I feel like I look good. And then someone snaps a digital picture and hands me the camera and I see a double chin. Or I catch a glimpse in store front window and am dismayed at the bulk of my body compared to others around us. Or I pick up a shirt or pants in a store and think they look the right size, only to find them impossibly small in the dressing room.

Losing weight isn't supposed to be about looking good or body image or buying clothes, but about health, right? And I feel great, feel like I have energy and am light on my feet. But, I am also not pregnant. I am not a happy pregnant person: I feel huge, and my back aches and my legs ache and I am so tired and I have no energy. So just not being pregnant means I feel relatively awesome. I can walk up to my attic office without huffing and puffing, as happened nearly all of 2008. But that shouldn't be my measuring stick.

Because I'm not healthy. I'm not at a healthy weight. I keep losing and gaining the same 4 pounds over and over again. I think, gee, I need to work on this, and a week later am at 183. I think gee, this is a drag and I want MORE MORE MORE dessert/chocolate/cheese/to veg in front of the TV, and the next week am at 187. Wash, rinse, repeat. Since December. Not lower than 183, not higher than 187. At least I'm consistent?

I know what to do. I know how to do this. I just don't have the day to day motivation to make that lifestyle change. And I don't know how to get it. Or at least I think I know the how. Eat less, exercise more. It's a simple equation. Write down everything I eat, figure out how much excess I am eating, cut back, eat more filling healthier food and less empty calories. Walk 20 minutes every day, and throw in some stength exercises plus a yoga/stretching class once a week or so. And I know I could be down 20 pounds in 2 months. I know this. I believe this. And I do not do this. And I do not know why.

Do you know why? Any ideas?

easing

Called my folks today and got my dad. He's feeling better, not in as much pain. He did try to see his doctor early (had appointment scheduled for today), but the doctor was totally booked. So he saw someone else, who adjusted his medicine slightly. And gave my dad food for thought, as he sits in his recliner with his foot elevated. New doctor said he should have been in the hospital, but the danger had passed, so there was no need now. And new doctor gave him some other tips and information. My dad said, come to think of it, when he had the ultrasound to diagnose yes, there was a blockage in a vein, the nurses said they would call his doctor with the news. And when they came back after calling the doctor, they seemed surprised the doctor just wanted him back in the office, not directly to the hospital. So, my father plans to get through this, then find a new GP/internist.

My mom's family is the one who refuses to visit the doctor unless it's clearly absolutely necessary. I'm that way, too - oh, it'll pass, it's not that big a deal, it'll be fine. But I do know sometimes it is a big deal. I try to keep that in mind for myself, but yet I have no 'regular' doctor - just the OB. Once things settle down a bit - after my annual OB visit in the early summer - I plan to find a good GP and have a real physical (the first in, I don't know, 10 years or so?). Though, see, this is where I always talk myself out of it, I'll still be breastfeeding, so I should wait.....but really, I'm 40 now and should have a real workup, cholesterol, screenings, the works for my age. I did ask the OB about mammograms starting at 40, and that is the one test that does wait til after the breastfeeding is done, so I'm ok there.

Feeling slightly better than I have been. My father was cheerful and sounded like himself, though he did say he needed another week before going back to work. He is on the mend, though, and that's what matters.

I was thinking today, though, of his weight, and his heart issues, and how I so desperately want him around another 10 years at least (he's 67). Really another 20 (or 30). (Or forever, honestly.) And how I think he really should exercise more (though the bypass has resulted in him regularly exercising doing therapy), eat better, and drink less (alcohol). The same applies to me, too. I want to stick around a long, long time. And carrying this excess weight, and eating junk food, is not the right path.

My public service announcement - visit the doctor. Take care of yourself. And I'll do the same.

Do you go regularly? Am I unusual in not having a physical in a long, long time? Or do you just rely on your OB appointments to catch things?

In with the new

I have a bunch to catch up on (the baptism was fine, btw), but I remembered that when I turned 40 in August, I typed out some year 40 resolutions. So I just went back and checked them. Since it's the beginning of the year, and 1/3 of the way through my 40th (or is it 41st?) year, thought I'd see how I was doing.

1. More toned. I've made zero progress. Absolutely zip. And those two pounds I reported last week? Turns out a diet of mint M&Ms (mmmm, holiday mint M&Ms are THE BEST) will put two pounds on you. But seriously, I really do want some arm strength. So my plan is on Monday, when my husband goes back to work and my parents leave and real life starts back up (we've definitely been in an interlude these past 5 weeks), I'm going to sart with weight exercises, and also next week ramp up my walking with the little guy. My boots fit on my left calf, but my right calf is still too big, but not by too much. I might just fit into tall boots this winter.

2. Marriage. Sigh. I could type a novel. But I like what I typed back in August - either happily married or happily not. We were in joint counseling when I was pregnant, and it helped. I need that third person there to be able to share what I'm thinking. There are some great things about my husband and our life together. There are also some incredibly crappy things, not even considering moving past infidelity. I am still so hurt - and so angry. I really don't know how this one will turn out.

3. Out of debt and working. I still have that part-time job possibility. They said they'd call references next week. They also told me the contract amount, and it's decent. Decent enough to continue to live frugally, slowly pay off debt, finish smallish, neccessary house projects, and maybe, just maybe build up some savings. Or at least go on a small vacation. Otherwise, next week I also start back the networking and job applying thing. I have a handful of jobs for which to apply, and there's just been no time. Next week when the house is quiet (relatively).

4. Organized. I spent a lot of the fall decluttering. We threw out a ton, donated another ton. There is now a playroom in the basement, where before it was crammed full of old crap. The front bedroom was also cleaned out. In the next month or so we'll transition my daughter out of her small room into a bigger bedroom, and eventually the little man will be out of our room into the small nursery room. The attic office needs some painting and needs furniture. Painting could happen this spring, furniture depends on the job.

If I was grading myself, I'd have to be a tough grader and give myself a C. Some real progress, but some things not started, some still unknown. Despite grade inflation, a C is not bad. The only thing about my list is it's so typical, lose weight, get in shape, get organized. Not an original thought on the list, and certainly, as typed out here, too vague to be useful. For myself, I'll make these more concrete and achievable and will have to report back, hmm, April? 2/3 of the way through my 40th year.

I think I'll add to this list get my blogging life in order. There's just been no time - no quiet time - to post, or comment, or organize the blog. I appreciate the comments and want to get out into blogland more this year.

So, are you a resolution maker? The usual, or something more unusual?

holidays

Survived Christmas, though it was exhausting. Too much (mostly shopping) left for the last minute, too many things to do. The little man is sleeping a little better, but still up at least twice in the night. I'm getting by basically on 5 interrupted hours a night. And the two days leading up to Christmas were so busy there was no time for a nap - and getting a nap is key to surviving sleep deprivation.

Things have been tough with my husband. He's sleep deprived and stressed about his family and there's been too much to do and it's resulted in us not not connecting and a pretty bad week, actually. Without talking it out, we both just kind of came to a mutual let's not be upset with each other moment on Christmas Eve. And it's nice to be more connected. I hope next week we can talk some of this through. Or maybe, I've been thinking, we need more joint counseling to hash some of it out. I just don't know.

On the in-law front, no word from anyone. We busted our butts to get packages out to his brother and his parents and sister. And nothing in return. Actually, we got a package from his brother's wife, with two presents - for our daughter and son. When we opened the presents on Christmas morning, realized, because of cards, it was my daughter's 3rd birthday present (from September!) and son's birth present.

My husband called his brother Christmas morning, but the brother had gone back to bed. So he chatted with his 4 year old niece and sister in law. She said if it was up to her she'd pack up niece and the two of them would come to the baptism on Sunday. But it's not up to her. No call back from his brother, no word from his sister, nothing from his parents.

My husband e-mailed his sister on Monday to ask about being godmother (he had called a few days prior with no response). She e-mailed back neither a yes nor a no, but did say she couldn't get off work to come.

I hadn't sent in the paperwork to even have the baptism (despite scheduling and sending out invites for an open house party for Sunday!). I sent them in Christmas Eve and certainly hope we're on the schedule this weekend. Gotta call and confirm. I just wrote his sister's name on the paperwork, and said she would not attend.

Oh, and despite eating horribly the past week, I still managed to lose 2 pounds. Breastfeeding is a miracle in some ways.

So a quick update. My husband and parents are out shopping for food for our open house, and I'm home supposed to be cleaning/organizing. This is just a quick just the facts post - but there's so much more going on. Between my husband and me. Thinking about my in-laws. A question about my sister. Too much thought about the past. Thinking about the future for all of us. More thoughtful posts to follow, I hope. I feel like I've been on a non-stop treadmill for the past week. Just have to hang on til Monday, when it should at least slow down. A little.

hot topics

It appears weight is a hot button topic for many, not that that should be a surprise. The thing is, in real life, I almost never talk about it. When I was in my 20s and young 30s, I never, ever talked about my weight. Other women my age were skinny and would gripe about (non-existant) body flaws and I would stay mum, since carrying 20-30 extra pounds speaks for itself. But now that I've reached a certain age and had two kids (and two more relatively short pregnancies) and so has everyone else my age, my shape isn't that far from normal, so I can be someone who gripes with women friends about getting my old body back. Except I don't really want my old body, either. But antigone hit it on the head - for me, it's really about feeling better, stronger, healthier in my body. I want to chase my children around on the playground and not be too tired or too out of breath. (as I was much of the pregnancy). Though there is a part of me that is vain and wants to wear my old clothes. Or maybe that's the broke part of me, who doesn't want (and can't right now) purchase a bunch of stuff!

But, in the of course category, the weight had been magically melting off, and as soon as I published the last post, the melting stopped. I'm hovering around 187 or so. I fit into my old jeans, but barely. I really need to get 15 pounds off to have my wardrobe open to me again, and I really don't want to buy anything large right now. So, I still wear those army green maternity pants. I really, really hate them.

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In other news - my husband is seeing his counselor again tonight, having last seen her two weeks ago, to talk about the latest missive from his lovely mother. I finially did read the email - it was as disjointed and illogical as you might expect, and not worth typing out. She's delusional, and the queen of it's all about her. At one point she said how hurtful it was my husband called the day of the delivery, as if the date wasn't embedded in her mind. How dare he care to intentionally hurt her with the reminder her grandson, whom she couldn't see because it was too painful for her, was to be born that day.

I mean really. What is there to say to that. My husband told me about his counseling appointment that night -counselor said, look, their pathology runs deep and you're not going to change them. Perhaps with family counseling, with a highly trained counselor, they might understand how they hurt us. But otherwise, it's worked for them for 60+ years, and they're not gonig to change. Especially when their behavior is tolerated by so many others in the family.

Counselor also told my husand that while he was welcome to come and talk to her about all this, he'd do a lot better talking to me about it. I agreed, there was a pause, and he said, but I dont' know how to do that. I asked why, and he said do you want to hear I look at my son and my eyes well up with tears thinknig about my parents and especially my dad? Or that I think about this all the time, trying to think of a resolution?

I told him I knew this was hard on him, and of course it should be hard. It's hard to be rejected by people you love.

The thing is, what I did not say, is that their rejection of him is so tied in my mind to their rejection of me, and that's integrally tied to his rejection of me. It hurts me, too, though for totally different reasons.

I've thought about printing out some comments I've received here from others with family estrangements. Cause while I am perfectly happy walking away from these hateful people, he is not yet there. He's seeing his counselor again tonight, so we'll see what that brings.

Meanwhile, we've just sent the birth announcements out, and are prepping for the baptism on the 28th. He's going to call his sister and ask her if she will be godmother, but I think his sister wil say no. Bleah. I don't know what we'll do then.

I've told my husband I want to model the behavior we want to receive from his family, so we sent off a birthday present to his niece, and still have to go out and buy them all (modest!) presents. We've sent them the announcement, and will mail them a Christmas card and holiday package. Maybe I should not even be trying that little bit. I don't know. Because of course they might take it as everything has been swept under the rug and is perfectly fine now. That's the one place I won't go.

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And one last tidbit - remember the job that wouldn't hire me, I surmised because of pregnancy? Part-time contract position? Well, they sent me an e-mail today asking for references! So maybe who knows. I have hope, but trying not to think about it too much. Applied for a government job yesterday (4 stinking hours on the application!), heard of a possibility yesterday, have a contract temp job to send in resume, have two other good contacts to follow up..........gotta make something happen in the New Year.

Weight for it

Wow. Last night the little man was up from 2-7 am. UP. He slept for about 20 minutes at 3 and again at 6. Brutal. So instead of a thoughtful treatise on my inlaws or finally commenting on some thought provoking posts I've read recently, or outlining the travails of marriage, I'll talk about something I really don't talk much about in real life. The weight/body image. I've been more honest on this blog about my weight struggles than I ever am in real life. I might say sometimes I want to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, or bemoan with other women the general body stuff women do when they get together, but in general I don't talk about it much.

I really, really want to be more healthy and energetic and that translate into weight loss. Plus I want to fit into older clothes again. I dress very conservatively, so yeah, a pair of black trousers or a white top from 4 years ago is still going to be in style today.

I spent most of the end of 2007 at 173 pounds, so we'll consider that my starting weight. I gained a lot in the early days of pregnancy, but that slowed down - my final weight was 211. Bleah. About a week after delivering my ten-pound baby, while still bloated and retaining a lot of water, I made what might be considered a stupid mistake and stepped on the scale - and it read 202. What the hell? How do you have a ten pound baby and only lose 9 pounds? But, it wasn't a mistake in that I knew I was at the peak of bloatedness and all that would come off quickly, and it has. This morning I weighed in at 188, having spent the last few week weighing myself every day and watching it just drop off. There's definitely something gratifying about the early days of breastfeeding, when the weight really does slough off quickly.

I remember with my daughter, when I went for the 6-week check up, the doctor said, ok, you've lost all you're going to lose in just plain old your body shedding pregnancy weight. Whatever you lose from here on out is about you working to lose weight. Which was pretty true. I'd really like to be in my non-maternity clothes by the baby's baptism, which we've scheduled for December 28th. Wait, I've just realized that's only 2.5 weeks away. So no way will I be 173, I must be realistic. But maybe I can hit 180 or 179. I was in the mid 180s when the shit hit the fan with my husband last year, so at least, while I'm not happy about how I look, I should have some things that fit.

I've been cutting out most sweets and most dairy, hoping that might help him sleep better, and that definitely helps with the weight. So if I keep it up, who knows. I'll keep you posted.

Tell me, in real life, do you talk openly about getting in shape/losing weight/poor body image? Or are you comfortable in your own skin? (I hope you are!) Or do you keep it all - whether good or bad - private?

40 + 4

Still stuck on the birthday theme. It's not often you cross a major milestone, so it's a period of reflection and looking ahead.

Aurelia wrote a great post about turning 40 - she's ahead of me by 6 days. She listed a few vows she made for her 40th year. Or wait, it's actually our 41st year, right, cause there's that zero year in there? I'm always confused by that. So here are my resolutions.

Like Aurelia, I want a muscle. Several of them, to be exact. I've gotten myself in sort-of shape before. I've never been really in shape, but I've had muscle, and I know I can again. Part of it is vanity, of course. My calves the past few years have really grown. I was whining to a friend yesterday that my fall/winter look is tall boots, dark tights, and knee length skirts. But there's no way I'm cramming these calves into boots this fall and probably not much of the winter either. So what to wear? But also I want arm muscles. I have no upper body strength at all and I want that to change. I can't (even when not pregnant) pull myself out of a pool, for example. But a lot of this is health related too. With two small kids, as an older mom, i want to be able to keep up with them. I don't want to sit on the couch and watch TV with them, I want to be out and about exploring the world with them. So this resolution is for me, for my husband (he'd like a more toned wife, too), and my kid(s). I can do this. I know I can.

I want to be happily married - or not married. Which means starting up the counseling again. We need to work through our issues, not just hope that time will take care of the hurt. It won't, and our marriage, and our child(ren)'s lives will suffer because of it. I want to heal, one way or another, and I know it's a long process, but I can be an active part.

I want to be out of debt. I just put this aside during much of my money worries this summer, but part of the money worries is that we're carrying credit card debt. That has to end.

This of course requires getting a job. I'm working on it. Had an interview this week and I really think it went well. I had to do a two-page idea paper for another job (interview in September) and I just finished it and e-mailed it off. Fingers crossed.

And finally, I want to be organized. I want this house organized. I know that's a tall order, given how much CRAP we have, but I've made progress this summer, and honestly, to put a baby in here we have to make much more progress. I work best against a deadline, so by November we'll have the front bedroom cleaned out, the attic remodel done, and more progress in the basement. We'll get there.

I have to end this the same way Aurelia did - 40 is going to be a kick ass year for me.

first trip

Sitting in a conference room, itching to be free. I traveled for a two day workshop that my new company sponsors, to try to learn more about what we do and how it's received. It's been interesting, but I've been in this conference room since 8:30 this morning. There's an evening session which will start soon. All in all a long day. Interesting, but long. I MUST go to the gym at my hotel.

I love shopping - and love end of season sales hat start before the season is really even up and running. So even though winter is just now kicking in, I just bought a cute scarf from the Gap that was marked down to $4. I wanted it before Christmas, but it was $35. Ridiculous.

So I've bought two nice outfits, very cheaply, but both are too tight. My goal is to wear one in two and a half weeks for a special dinner, and the other in three+ weeks for Valentine's Day. I'm hoping a tight deadline will keep me eating right and exercising every day. Usually when traveling I'm not great about exercising, but tonight when I finally get back to the hotel I am going to break my usual pattern and go to the gym.

This past weekend was another mostly good, a little bit bad. I don't know what happens - we were having a great time, were driving along to a fun activity, and suddenly my mind started to race with the usual how could he have done/said the things he did/said? How can I trust him? How can we get past this? Can we? And in no time I'm teary and miserable. And he's miserable too.

Saturday driving in the car, with our daughter sleeping in the back, he said it wasn't lost on him what these next three weeks are - one year since the diagnosis of problems in my pregnancy and the loss of that pregnancy. A terrible, horrible, frightening, painful three weeks. The thing is, I don't actually think about it that much. I think about him saying I had to drive to see my parents by myself (with our daughter) because he didn't want to spend that much time alone with me. I think about him lying to me about his affair, when I had seen actual evidence. I think about him saying at every point of our marriage, and even before our marriage, he thought he could do better. I thought about the many times he said he just felt nothing for me. Nothing at all.

There's no room to think about a lost pregnancy, when I have to think about the future. Protecting me, protecting our daughter, keeping things together.

It's almost like he's finally grieving and experiencing the loss, where I've had losses and hurts since then that have been worse. It's hard to type things have been worse than my poor dead baby, but yeah, betrayal from the one person who is supposed to be my safe place, my soft place to fall, is worse. Cause that's what I've lost - my security that if/when bad things happen there's someone who will face those with me, will help me and I will help him.

So, anyway, he finally said, look, I love you, I love our daughter, I'm not going anyplace....

And I interrupted. Did he realize that's the first time since August he said anything about how he felt about me? And he didn't really respond.

Later in the day, once we were home, I said, look, it's really been bugging me that you haven't said anything about your feelings. Had your feelings for me come back? Had they not? Was he saving up telling me they had, or was he just being a dork and thinking he didn't need to say anything? And he said he was saving it up.

WTF? Saving it up for what?

the job

ok, so week 2 is done. And there have been times I've been wondering what the heck I've done. Not leaving my previous job - I haven't given that a second thought. But there are lots of unknowns with this new position, and some things that make me nervous.

I'm traveling next week - leave Sunday, back Wednesday night. A bummer, I'll miss 4 bedtimes, since my flight gets in late on Wednesday night. I want to minimize weekend travel and length of travel. But this first time I'll let it go. Perhaps I should take a harder line from the start, but I think better to be flexible initially then slowly enforce my own preferences.

I asked a fairly basic question today via e-mail and got this reply - you're entering a movie that's already completed, so XX is what you have to work with. Yikes! Way to be flexible, people. I also asked some questions about programs ongoing this year and was told that since they are already planned, no changes could be made. I replied, I wasn't suggesting that, just asking what was planned, why and how, so we could figure out how to plan in out years.

But also today I spoke with one of the board members, and every time I talk to him I feel like this will be a great position, we just have to figure some things out and it'll all be fine. It's too hard to tell after two weeks.

Ok, this is a very boring post but after my oh my god I'm entering menopause mini freak out I needed to bump that down. (oh, and my body held out for a 27 day cycle, so that's fairly normal, but did mean a lot of PMS days this month. Fun.)

I've been busy, not focused on blogging, so while I'm visiting everyone, I've not had any comments to leave. Maybe on travel I'll have some more time.

And since it's Friday, I'll check in on my weight just by saying I need to do something other than stand on the scale, because that isn't magically causing the numbers to shrink. Perhaps a longer post on that.

Not much on the home front. More on that later, too. Ok, got to go figure out the leftover situation.

new start (professionally, anyway)

This is it! The night before I start my new position.

No one wants to be dooced. I, in particular, am very paranoid about it. I work in a relatively small field and given the personal nature of this blog, while I might not be fired (I've been too distracted with life to talk about some of the unbearable people with whom I have worked) yeah, I don't want to lose my anonymity. So there might only be vauge-ish work postings, though I think work will quickly become very consuming.

On the home front things are ok. I've gotten a thought in my head I'm having trouble shaking. I want a post nup - a POST-nuptial agreement that spells out I'll get full custody and all our money if my husband leaves me. Not quite sure I should bring this up. We live in a community property state, and in our jurisdiction, the lawyer I consulted made it clear joint custody was the norm.

So in an unsure world, I want assurances.

My husband and I are talking about moving, actually, to get out of the city itself. He thinks it's driven by public schools (and not great private options), whereas for me it's driven by a desire to get to a locality that is more mother-favorable in case of divorce. Maybe my natural optimism is not returning?

Despite my misgivings, things have actually been going well. At our last session, when I was talking about regrets, my husband said he understood that we had reached a point where actions speak louder than words. He can say he's in this, and wants to have a better relationship, but until his actions match it's all talk.

When I got home Friday night he had arranged with our nanny to have her come Saturday and babysit, and we went out and saw Sweeney Todd. Awesome. I'm not a blood and gore person as in slasher flicks, but I love it when it's part of the rich story. The music was really great - soaring, operatic, very singable. I have got to get that soundtrack.

And we spent the rest of the weekend working on the house - prepping our attic project. I feel my last few posts might have given the impression of slovenly living. Well, 9 rubbermaid containers on one floor is a bit much (again, the house was built in 1914 - there are NO closets! well, minimal closets). It's a great house, and fairly often it looks great. When you're in a bad place, as I have been, my bad habits are definitely magnified. I'm excited to have the floors put in, it'll look amazing. I'll have to post pics.

Now we just have to get the tree out.......my family has always kept the Christmas tree up until Epiphany (the 3 wise men's visit). I took all the ornaments off when my daughter was napping, so now we have a very dry, dead tree (though still pretty! very green!) with lights and an angel. Tomorrow's project, throw it to the curb. It always makes me a little sad. I told my daughter today we were taking the tree down and she looked at me very seriously, shook her head, and said, "no." So I hope this is not a major drama. In our city people put the trees on the front curb for what appears to be quite random pickup. No notice of when. Often there are trees lining the whole street for a week or so. Quite nice for the dogs, I suppose, though I try not to think about the action they all get. Man, I hope pick up is not tomorrow morning.

Still no word from my inlaws. I've told many friends the story and no one can believe it. Though then they always say, hmm, well, this explains a lot.....

And, finally, the weight. Sigh. I was doing great. I weighed myself before Christmas and I was exactly the same - 173.5. Wow, I thought, good stuff. Somehow that let me slack off even more (plus all the holiday chocolate!) and I know I am up. I'll post a weight on Friday- maybe 5 days of semi virtuous living will get me to my starting weight.

Somehow this turned into a full update post. Not sure how that happened.

OK, wish me luck as I start my new job. I'm feeling really positive about it. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.....

other stuff

173.5. The freaking same as last week. I tell you, the thing for me about losing weight is that i don't get the connection between what I do and what the scale says. I did 100 freaking situps last night,, 20 squats, and 40 lunges, and I have exactly the same number on the scale? (I'm not all that delusional, I had done the same 2 other nights this week, plus arm exercises and ate reasonably).

I need to keep official track, that's the key. A food log, an exercise diary. A bite by bite, arm lift by situp by mile walked log of everything, and then it'll come off. Ugh, man, I hate the discipline that requires. HATE it. But, that's what it's going to take. Or have the tenuous peace implode and that'll be good for another 5 pounds. Maybe I cried off 10 pounds?

So, also no job update in a while - I've finally gotten an offer letter. I think the lawyer working on this is squeezing it all in and so this wasn't a priority. I'll start the 7th of January. I'm having a lawyer review it for me as there are some anomalies. They want to pay me as a consultant for a few months, for legit complicated reasons. And I'm not thrilled about it - taxes, benefits, etc - but in the long run I have to believe it's worth a short term sacrifice. I need a change. I've not had the offer letter and have spent the past few weeks here already feeling like a short-timer. I just cannot muster any enthusiasm for anything in my current job. It will be a delight to resign. Now my worry is when to resign. The holidays make it tough - I should probably just resign and not work at all over the holidays, but if I work in January at least part of my January health insurance will be covered, right, so that might make sense (not to mention 3 paid holidays, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Day). Sadly, my recent absences mean I do not have enough vacation time to patch together any leave.

Nothing new at home. A pleasant enough husband this morning, though he admitted he drank too much last night out watching football. And a kiss goodbye this morning. I'm out tonight, but we have complicated plans for the weekend (complicated as a whole lotta family time, which now I wonder might be too much?).

I feel really boring when my life isn't hurtling over a cliff (even though there are plenty of cliff ledges within mere inches and a chance to veer off at any second).

the weight

OK, here's my long planned weight e-mail.

Bottom line, I've been borderline heavy my entire life. Never obese, but just the classic bookworm hopeless at gym too much babyfat kid, who never learned how to slim down as a teenager, and who even now just doesn't get the connection between what I eat/how much I move and what I weigh and how I look and how fit I am. I don't like to sweat, but I do like it when I am stronger or more fit.

I was pretty much a size 11/13 my teenage years.

I'm 5'4".

Today, I weigh 173.5

In early 2003, I hit my then highest weight of 175, and I went off to weight watchers. And lost 25 pounds, hovering around 150 +/- 4 pounds. I looked and felt great. Wore size 8, some 6. And was happy - no need to be a skinny 4 or 6 sized girl. I worked out with weights, walked a lot, and did yoga, and tried to eat healthfully.

In 2004, I started a new job, and couldn't walk to work anymore. And they had SOOO much junk food here. I settled in at 160 or so. But was reasonably ok with that.

And then I got pregnant, and weighed in at 165 or so. I gained a normal amount of weight, but started to hit 190 near the end (when i finally refused to look at the scale anymore).

I remember coming home from the hospital and standing on the scale (bloated from the c-section) and weighing 188! After having an 8 pound baby! The water came off though, and at my 6 week check up I weighed 167. And I started losing, and walking, but with nursing didn't watch my food or try to lose more. And at 4 months went back to work. Well, there was no time for exercise, and remember the junk food. My weight crept up. In November 2006, when I was newly pregnant again, it hit 178. I was up to about 184 when the pregnancy finally ended.

Suddenly I wasn't nursing anymore, I had just lost this baby, I was stressed and depressed, and the weight just crept up. A pound a month, no matter what I tried to do. I was at 188 in August, and felt terrible about myself.

Again, I have such a hard time seeing the connection between eating/exercising and what the scale says. It's such a long term process, not immediate feedback.

In August I decide to stop weighing myself every day and just try to level off. In September I weighed 185. In mid October I went to the Chinese medicine guy, who suggested my diet was too carb heavy (yes), and suggested a three week veggies/fruit supplement thing. I bought the supplements - to the tune of $160.

At the end of October the shit hit the fan, and I dropped in one week to 180. In early November it was 178 - right where I was a year ago when pregnant.

So now I'm eating better (healthfully) and trying to work off anxiety by exercising. Aerobic exercise is hard - I'm walking when I can, but need something else. I am considering a treadmill - the problem is how to walk when as soon as I get home from work there's a little one to deal with? And I can't leave the house when she's in bed to jog around the block! And with my husband so sporadic, and about to leave, there's no long term solution there. I'm scouring websites to find a used treadmill (before the rush in January!).

173.5. I am considering reading all the supplement stuff and starting that process this weekend. I'm fairly confident it's healthy stuff (I'm not a fad dieter). It might be the kickstart I need. I would love to be 165 in the next 4 weeks. There, it's out there. That's my goal - lose an ambitious amount over the holiday season. Normally I'd think not doable, but lucky for me, for once I'm not stress eating.

I'll keep posting on this - I hope it keeps me honest, and seeing progress.

getting mad

Ok, everyone is saying I need to get mad. So now I'm mad. Last week, husband worked late every night except Friday, and he "deserved Friday off" and went out with friends. Not a single night with our daughter, or helping around the house in any way.

Last night I ask him how the apartment hunt is going, and he says he's narrowed it down to 2 places. WTF. "Working" my ass. Jerk.

Last night he comes upstairs at 3 am, which wakes me. And then a dear friend calls from New Zealand at 5:30 am. And then my daughter wakes up at 6:45. I get her, bring her into my bed. At 8 we go wake my husband up. Oh, he says, I didn't realize she was up. He says I should go back to bed. I'm exhausted, and I start sobbing. Cry myself into near sleep. And then he oh so helpfully brings my daughter upstairs and she proceeds to have a tantrum/crying fit.

Why the hell can't he manage? Why is this all on me? I get up, calm her down, read her books, and just lose it with him. Scream at him for being worthless, no help at all, just wanting to be the fun dad but not a real adult. Scream at him to leave.

So, he left. Looking at apartments, I presume. Says he'll be out tomorrow.

Weekly update (I'm too frenzied to do links to all the relevant places, so here's the link to last week's update).
- My daughter and I are off to my parents for Thanksgiving. We leave tomorrow, driving 6 hours to my sister's, then on Tuesday driving to my folks, 10+ hours. Returning Sat/Sun. I should have bitten the bullet and flown, but am hoping it'll be fun. Sort of. My dad seems ok, sounds strong. I'll tell my sister when we're driving, and I'll tell my parents once I get there.

- I semi-accepted the job. They offered me a lot of money, and "comparable benefits." Every question I've asked was answered one of two ways - oh, you'll decide that as the program head, or that'll be covered in the offer letter. So, I decided since they weren't offering me any negotiating points, to proceed to offer letter - I wrote and said I'd like to accept the job, and if it all works out, I will, and if I can't get the offer the way I like it, I'll walk. I'll speak to the lawyer on Monday, and we'll have this week to hammer it out. They want me to resign my current job the 26th, and start with them on the 10th of December. Maybe one of these days I'll wrote more about this. Every single professional or professional/friend contact who knows says to take it. Only people who know me solely personally (and who are currently helping me through this emotional upheaval), or through this blog, have expressed any reservations at all. It is one of the only things that temporarily quells the anxiety.

- Weight. This is another long to come post. I've lost more than ten pounds through this ordeal. Which means another 10 to look ok, and 15 to look really good, and 10 more to be truly in the right BMI. I'm eating fairly healthfully, though not drinking enough water. Need to exercise. Aerobic.

- marriage. See above. Not sure where to go now. Take the week off and see what things are like when I get back, I guess? We have a joint counseling session the 28th. Not even sure why anymore, though I think we should keep it. At least it's a place to air things.

- anxiety. Sky high, though tempered by anger and excitement at leaving. The one thing about daily posting (NaBloPoMo) is that it buries posts. Particularly since I write so much, and particularly weekend posts. So check out yesterday's anxiety post.

The question still remains - any good ideas for managing anxiety?