thawing

First, thanks for sticking with me in my fits and starts. I have about 50 million posts in my head (ok 4 definite ones all thought out) and just no umph to get them out.

Second, NO, my recent bout of minor stomach virus resulted in NO weight loss. Must hope for more vriulent strain next time, I suppose.

So relations with my in-laws continue to thaw. My husband calls there once every ten days or so, and his mother reaches out to him, too, calling or e-mailing or texting about the same.

For Valentine's Day, she sent a huge gift box. My daughter got a goody bag of candy, two fancy spring dresses from Laura Ashley, and an outfit from Gymboree. My son got the same goody bag, two play outfits from Carters, and an outfit from Gymboree.

My mom sent cards to both, with stickers and a $5 bill.

My parents are very thrifty, very frugal, and enjoying their retirement on their own terms. I never worry about their future. His parents are spendthrifts, have declared bankruptcy, have a full mortgaged house, regularly spend more than they take in, vacation in the Caribbean, bought a timeshare, rely upon a pension, eat out frequently, and purchase lavish gifts. Who will take care of them once the money eventually runs out?

So I grew up living within my means, only buying what I could afford (which meant after money was put away for rainy days and future desires). And these gifts kill me. I love shiny new things are much as anyone. I love the dresses and outfits for my daughter. I used to enjoy receiving gifts from them myself. But I know the true costs of those gifts. Not what they cost today, but what they'll cost in the future, either in terms of expectations or family fights once they run out of money and require their children to take care of them. I don't want to pay either price. I don't want my kids to eyeroll at my parent's frugality and prefer big boxes from their other grandparents. I want them to understand value, not cost. I want them not to be swayed by shiny and new.

I think I just have to trust that values will win out. I also have to accept that they will develop their own relationships with each set of grandparents, and that's a good thing.

fine

Well, I survived. It was.....fine. That's the best word I can come up with, I think.

Non confrontational people are perfectly fine to spend time with, as it happens. Because there aren't any, you know, confrontations.

So after two years, we show up at the kids place, everyone hugs (! yes! Hugs! Even me!), says hi, and....that's it. We have a perfectly normal day hanging out. Weird.

I thought there was some coolness directed my way, but it wasn't too obvious.

What happens next? Who the hell knows. At one point when we were briefly alone, my sister in law leaned over to me and said, she's heavily medicated these days, it'll be fine.

I guess the trick will be keeping them at a reasonable distance and not getting sucked into expectations for future obligations.

I did fail in my one goal. I had decided my goal was to call my inlaws something. After ten years of marriage, plus 3, nearly 4 years before that, my in-laws still expect me to call them Mr and Mrs. So yesterday I decided I was gonig to walk up to them and say, Betty, FRank, nice to see you again.

I chickened out. Got by 4 hours without calling them anything. Fail. Maybe next time.

What do you call your inlaws?

doomsday Wednesday

Tomorrow: the in-laws.

Yep, you read that correctly. And believe me, I'm not happy.

My husband took the dog's passing hard. As did the in-laws. At one point, my mother in law e-mailed that she would call except she was crying too hard. (pu-leeeze). Losing our little dog before Christmas sort of seems to have crystallized losing his family for my husband, is all I can figure.

We had been tentatively making plans to get together with his brother, brother's wife, and 5 year old in this week between Christmas and New Years - meeting in an inbetween city at a children's museum, which we have done before. My husband has been setting this up with his brother, and yesterday turns to me and says, what do you think if others are there. Others? Yeah, my parents. And probably my sister. As as aside, my - I don't know - disgust? rage? wearied annoyance? has lately been focused on this sister of his. I'm sick of all of them, of course. Seriously, my little guy is one year old, and there's been more crying over the dog than missing a full year of the little guy's life. And the sister? The last time we heard anything from her was the shrieking cursing phone call as I was being prepped for c-section. And now she's just going to be there at this family get together?

Bleah. I hate this. Knew it was coming, wish there was a way to prevent it. I feel like I'm just facing the inevitable, though, with no way out. Don't go, and I leave my kids in their clutches. Don't go, and feed into more drama. Go, and suck it up.

no card

Well, I just sorta gave up on NaBloPoMo, didn't I? I don't know what happened - just got on vacation and the bedtime routines were disrupted and I was (am) still sick with this lingering cold and so tired, and there just never seemed to be time. So no posting. Oh well. I'll catch up.

So we got home after a long day of driving on Sunday. My typical task is to go through the mail, so after little guy was down and the car mostly unpacked I went through it all. And interestingly enough, no marker of the little guy's birthday. There had been no calls or messages on the day itself, not ever from my husband's brother.

My husband saw my rifling through the stack of catalogs and said, yep, nothing. I asked, you checked? And he said yeah, went through it twice to be sure. Nothing.

I'm dreading heading into the holidays. We have no plans for Christmas - no way we are driving again to my parents, where my sister is going, and my brother is headed to his in-laws. So it's just us. We actually get kind of bored with just us, I hate to say it. I successfully avoided the inlaws pre-THanksgiving. I hope their silence has pissed off my husband so we avoid them this Christmas, too, but I doubt that'll happen. Hmmm.

annoyed

There are times my husband just annoys me, and this afternoon is one of them. So we've all been sick, and my mother-in-law got wind of it. Her email relayed to my husband that our niece, husband's brother's daughter, has pneumonia. My SIL took her to the doctor and heard just a bad cold. My MIL took her to the doctor two days later and got the pneumonia diagnosis. Now I'm sure my SIL just couldn't take her the 2nd time, but of course my MIL's sense of self importance makes her the savior of the story, the only competent childcare giver in the family. So her offer was to come help us. After all, she was a dental hygenist.

I think - I know - my husband just wants to be a son again, in some ways. It's nice to live by family and when you're sick have family come over and help out. I get that. But the strings attached - it's too much.

Anyway, I'm annoyed because through all this, my husband has become convinced my daughter is not getting and better (she is) and needs to go to the doctor. So they're off - I am busy with work, she's going to miss her little dance class with her friends, and she is getting better.

Now I'm in this pickle. I know she is fine. I hope she is fine. As then I can be smug about my superior medical skills.

hmmm

So my husband exchanged an e-mail with his mom, but no discussion about the coming weekend, and we've not discussed further. Kinda hoping this fades away in the busyness of life. Fingers crossed.

uh oh

So, I was kinda cursing NaBloPoMo and wondering what the heck I was going to post tonight, when my husband gave me a topic.

Kids in bed, we're cleaning up kitchen, and he says, just want to float something by you. Haven't done anything, but want to get your reaction.

Uh oh.

He says, how about if we get together with my parents this coming weekend? Try to meet up halfway in between? (they are 2 hours away)

Dum dum dum.

Uh, why? Is the immediate question. He says he's just sick of the cards and the passive aggressive e-mails after the cards and this just isn't working and maybe we just need to try something else. Plus, she heard we were all sick and sent a nice e-mail offering to come down and help out.

I want to scream hell no, but instead I say, I have a hard time seeing how this would play out.

He says he knows I've been worried that our traveling to my parents for Thanksgiving will just piss them off.

I say yes, but what I mean is that I fear it'll just ratchet up the crazy again. Otherwise, I don't care, and I only care about the crazy because not dealing with them is really working for me. And honestly? If we do this, then we're just in it all again, and there's Christmas, and expectations, and we're right back into having to go up there all the time and her getting mad when we don't follow her desires completely.

He agrees, but says he just can't take where we are with them anymore.

UGH. So now I am thinking about it.

Hell, I know what I think.

I hate the greeting card industry

I mean seriously. I was going to do a post about the start of NaBloPoMo and how I was doing it again this year but didn't have as much going on etc etc etc. Last year was the horrible in-laws and then the wonderful birth. The year before was my marriage, and part of my sanity, dissolving before my eyes. We'll see what this year holds, but I'm sure something will turn up. But then my dumb-ass mother in law, the most passive agreesive idiot I know, had to turn up the crazy (albeit only slightly) to kick off the month.

So my husband's birthday was last Monday. No acknowledgement. Later in the week there were two greeting cards in the mail to the two kids, each with a Halloween card, each with $5.

This afternoon, she sends my husband an e-mail. "Did you get the cards? Cause I hate sending money through the mail and jsut wanted to make sure they were received."

Which translates roughly into, 'pay attention to me, it's been too long with no craziness and I can't stand being ignored.'

Husband says to me, if she wants to see her grandkids, she has to do better than did you get the cards. How about I'd like to move forward and resolve our problems and be in my grandchildren's lives again - or at least meet my grandson. Then he snorted and said, my counselor was right: pathological.

I linked to all their/her craziness with greeting cards in this post. Her passive aggressive I'm reaching out ot you because I sent you a card bullshit drives me nuts. That we're the bad guys because we don't acknowledge her cards. Is there anyone on this planet who puts more stock in the greeting card industry than this woman? Garr.

Well, so that was my Sunday. We need to use some back channels to make sure the in-laws know we're off to visit my parents for Thanksgiving, and thus the little guy's first birthday. Which I am sure will only piss her off more, so maybe buys me yet a few more months of not having to deal with her.

in-law roundup

Nothing too new from the in-laws, but it's been a while and a few small things happened over the summer, so thought I'd do a quick recap.

The other night I was sorting stacks of mail. Does anyone else let it pile up for months and then do one big sort? No? Just us? Discovering expired coupons, random detritus, overdue bills....sigh. Hate.

Anyway, at the bottom of the stack, I found the unopened father's day card my inlaws sent to my husband. He had scoffed at it when it came in and tossed it on the pile. These many months later, I decided to open it to see if they had anything to say. Standard issue cheap card, signed simply with their first names: Betty and Frank (not really). No love. No Mom and Dad. Nothing. The lengths these people go to to send a message in store bought greeting cards continues to astound me. And the fact my husband never even opened it and I just saw it 4 months after the fact does nothing but amuse me.

--

We did some driving up north this summer. My husband's uncle lives along the Jersey Turnpike, so we decided to stop off and see them. Remember, it's been nearly two yer since the blow up with my in-laws, and nearly a year since we last spoke with them. The uncle and his wife fixed lunch for us and we had a nice visit, introducing them to the little guy (who's middle name comes from the uncle). People in general do not understand family estrangements.

Uncle: how's your dad.
Husband: well, as I told you ove the phone we haven't really been talking to them. It's been a while.
U: yeah I haven't spoken to him since spring. How's he enjoying retirement? I heard he was busy with some house repairs?
H: uh, not sure.
Aunt: Is your mom still working or has she fully retired?
H: uh, I don't really know, you know I haven't spoken to them in a while.
A: and how are those dogs?
H: uh, they're fine...

Essentially, the aunt and uncle refused to believe we really hadn't spoken with them in 2 years. A family estrangement of that level was just incomprehensible to them. We just played along - when you haven't seen family in a while, there's a lot of vague generalities you can say without saying anything at all.

Until:

A: and what's your sister up to these days?
H: uh...busy, you know...
U: Does she like her condo?
H: What?!
U: yeah, weren't your parents buying her, or wht they put down a downpayment for her to move out and buy a condo?

WTF? So these are the people who declared bankruptcy ten years ago, slightly recovered from that, and are now living off the estate of husband's grandfather. That money is going to be gone in just a few short years. A downpayment for his stupid sister to buy a condo. Jerks.

--

Later in the summer, we met up with husband's brother and family. Nice visit. There was much discussing of said condo. The in-laws are blowing through money like there's no tomorrow - Caribbean vacations, this downpayment, yard work, new windows on the house (the house that is still fully mortgaged, though bought 30 years ago!). They will run out of money. And they will never be able to live just on social security. Father in law has a pension from a solid company, but given this economy? Counting on pensions to last another 20 years is gambling. There's no other retirement money. Brother in law says good thing they signed for that condo, as that's where they'll be living in just a few years.

I spent some time with my sister in law, discussing it all. She said mother in law has moved from bitter angriness to more of sadness. She asks them all the time if they've heard from us. Mther in law is apparently on meds and slightly more stable. I told SIL I was sorry they were dragged into this at all, and she said if it wasn't us it would be someone else. As long as we've known her, she's cycled through hatred of someone - us, my BIL, her sister, her neighbor, her best friend. It really never ends.

I cannot believe my little guy will be one year old soon and they've missed it all. I'm glad they have, but I just cannot believe the craziness. It is incomprehensible, even with all the other bad inlaw stories I've heard.

But for me, it's all just one big relief. And I admitted as much to my sister in law. Look, I feel badly for my husband being estranged from his family, but quite honestly, it makes our busy lives easier. We don't need the drama. And even if there was no drama, just the pressure of visiting them and their demands that we fold our lives around theirs is no fun.

--

I just picked up pics from my daughter's birthday, and will mail them off. (She sent her a savings bond, so I can acknowledge that then, too.) We're headed to my parent's for Thanksgiving and little guy's birthday. So I don't see any time in the near future for any contact. Thank goodness.

I was cleaning out the dining room last week and found the returned box of their Christmas presents from last year, shoved under the china cabinet. I suppose we just re-wrap the gifts and mail them off again?

Turn around

We have my daughter enrolled for the second year in a summer co-op pre-school, which means it's organized and staffed by parents, generally the moms. I've gotten to know a few of the moms over the past two years, though haven't made the leap to outside of school connections. There's one mom though I've always liked. She was diagnosed with thyroid cancer this spring and had an operation just before summer started. She seems to be doing ok with recovery. I like her because she's open and honest and direct and common-sensical. She calls it like she sees it, and we generally see things the same way.

One day a couple of weeks ago we were the two parents moving the kids to the gym area and as the kids ran ahead and started to play we were chatting about stuff in general when suddenly talked turned to life. She said, it's just been a really rough time, lost a pregnancy last spring, husband quit his stable job to open his own startup, economy collapses and his business is failing, I've not worked in 4 years and have to find work now, cancer, always thought I'd have three kids and now once things are back on track we'll look into adopting, I'm just so angry all of the time - so angry - and I'm taking it out on him for everything. Jsut a rough time.

I did those general female support things, nodded, made appropriate mummurs of empathy, etc. While inside I was blown away - by her honestly, by her matter of factness in reciting this litany of crap. And then the moment passed, and the kids demanded our attention, and I just filed it away.

And the next week her kid developed pneumonia and was hospitalized (though it was not too serious, her son just required oxygen support for a few days). I sent her an e-mail, replying to the news, and said it really seemed like she was in the shitstorm, and I had been though my own period of crap - one that lasted almost two years. I ran through the list- lost baby, marital problems, lost a job, money worries, family illness, family issues, etc (though was very careful to word in such a way that I wasn't comparing and certainly nothing like fighting cncer in the middle of it all - I imagine a cancer survivor is sensitive to "I know just what you're going through, I stubbed my toe last week!"). She wrote a nice note back from the hospital room thanking me for sharing, and I wrote her back saying I think everyone goes throuh their own various hellish periods, and the more we're honest about life sometimes sucking, the easier it is to get support during those times.

So, who knows. Maybe a new friendship is emerging. But, I tell this overly long story for a few reasons. As always, you never know what others are going through. I do think honesty begets honesty (at some level). After all, my litany of crap was heavily edited. Left out the crazy inlaws, the infidelity, the divorce lawyer consulted, the huge sums of money spent on counseling, the firing, the lawyers, the stress. You can't look from the outside and presume to know what's happening in a family. From the outside, heck, other than my obvious weight problem, I look pretty darn good, too. Two kids, a good job, supportive husband, fun activities. You don't see the scars or damage below the surface.

But, it also made me think, as I was typing out this sanitized version of the great shitstorm of '07, what were the parameters of this shitstorm? And when did it end? 'Cause, much to my surprise, I realized it did end. It felt endless when in the middle of it, and without a doubt there are lingering effects, but if something bad were to happen now, it'll be a new bad thing - no longer a continuation of what started in early '07. It didn't end with the birth in November. Those first early baby days were hard. The little guy settling down and getting on a schedule and us all adjusting to his presence helped turn the corner. (oh lord, am I totally jinxing myself even typing this? Am I asking for trouble?). Getting the call of this new job, and starting the job, and having positive feedback I was a valuable member of the team - that's really what helped set my ship a little straighter in the water. Life isn't perfect. But it's a whole heck of a lot better than it was a year ago. Or two years ago. Oh, there are plently of things out there to knock me off course - the ever present inlaw issue. The Marriage and What To Do about our issues. Plenty of other shoes that could drop. New things to constantly worry about. PLENTY.

I feel like I'm emerging, blinking, from the darkness. And that, for now, is good. A fragile good, but good nonetheless. For now. I can't - and won't - stop caveating. More than anything, I think, surviving a shitstorm teaches you to be humble. There's not much that keeps me or anyone from the bad.

brother in law reappears

My husband tells me yesterday he got an e-mail from his brother, asking if we could get together. E-mail says don't blow me off, let's find a time, we can meet in the middle (they live 2 hours away).

My husband wrote him back and said July was crazy and we had a narrow window in June where we could make this happen.

I would like to write a catch-up post to lay out the rough outline of the inlaw saga to keep it all straight. But the little guy was up at 5:30 am and I am tired. Too tired to think about the stupid inlaws. And definitely too tired to search past posts and find the right links. In the in-law saga, my brother in law has been a bit of a puzzle. Let's see, if this all started in December 07, he was neutral or supportive for most of the first bit - actually until the final blowup (ok, one link) with the parents in law, just before Little Guy was born. But, as far as I know, there was no announcement he was mad at us. He and my hsuband had been in sporadic, yet semi-regular (ie, normal) contact leading up November. After the birth in November, BIL's wife sent us a card and present, and then sent us a Christmas package. We sent them a package. Which they did not return. My husband called their house on Christmas Day and BIL was in bed, but chatted just fine with his wife. But since then, nothing. As far as I know.

I konw I am beyond tired right now (and was yesterday, too). But I also know this contact from my BIL is contributing to a bad mood. I so hate dealing with them. I so wish they would go away. Popping up every once in a while is stressful. We'll see where this goes. My current strategy is just to live my life and not own any of their craziness. Do you have a good coping strategy for letting go of other's craziness? Of not letting it get to you?

inlaw update

Nothing too exciting - my mother-in-law sent my husband an e-mail on Friday.

It was very short, just said thanks for the Mother's Day cards, then reported that they, my husband's brother and family, and husbands sister spent Mother's Day in Florida, at in-laws new time share and they all went to Disney. (Have I blogged about their ridiculous timeshare purchase? Husband's grandfather died, leaving $$ to parents, who immediately went out,with no thought or planning whatsoever, purchased a brand new timeshare in Florida. That requires a plane ride and a rental car to reach? Good for them, I guess, but maybe not the best purchase for people on a fixed income????)

Anyway, the money line was subtle, at the end: Hope WhichBox and the rest of your family had a nice Mother's Day. The dig was the subtle "your family." Because her beef, among many, is that my husband has chosen my family over his own. Please. Grow up lady.

I asked my husband where his thinking was on his family, and he just sighed and said he'd rather just ignore it all. He sees his counselor every couple of weeks (we're too busy and it's too much $$ for weekly sessions) and said they talk about his family every session, but he's had no further thoughts about them. I have to admit I like where we are now - just living our lives and ignoring them. It's been 18 months. I hope this period of relative peace will last a bit longer.

out of time

Today is my sister's birthday. She is almost 14 years younger than I am, turning 27. (Our brother is 2 years younger than me, almost 12 years older than her.)

My husband is two years older than his brother, and six years older than his sister, whose birthday is Thursday. So both our families have two siblings close in age, then a third a bit of a tagalong.

I think that influences my thinking about kids and siblings a great deal. Kids are hard. And having kids (and trying and failing to have kids) is incredibly hard on a relationship. I thought we would have three kids. I don't think our relationship would survive a third. Maybe, if there was time for a bit of a lag. But I'll be 41 soon.

I think, given that my result is two happy, seemingly healthy children, my biggest regret from the infertile/loss/shaky relationship years is the time lost. There is no chance for a "surprise" baby. If we had started earlier? But heck, we barely survived the should we have kids decision point, but went ahead and someplace in the files on my dead computer is nearly two years of basal temperature charting. Barely, barely survived the first child and then the loss - another year or so gone by. Hanging on by a slender thread with child #2. 6 years, two kids, two losses, infidelity, endless marriage counseling, and here we are. In the grand scheme of things, I probably can't complain much. But I can regret.

My sister enriched/enriches our family in so many ways. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. But then again, there's my husband's family - he was close with his sister, but she's fallen by the wayside, now, too. (a quick update - nothing to update - no contact, no nothing the past few months. I'm sure we're considered even more awful for the lack of a card for Mother's Day. Oh well. Hard to care, really.)

I used to be one of those people who would say things happen for a reason. Now I think things happen for no reason whatsoever. And you?

cards as emotional currency

Aha. I knew it had been too quite on the in-law front. On a day where others are asking very real in-law questions, I picked up the mail to find two cards from the in-laws, addressed to the kids. Talk about ridiculous. My daughter got the $.99 card, while the little guy got a happy first Easter.

Who sends cards 10 days before Easter? Insane people who probably think this will 'solve everything' and result in us arriving for Easter dinner.

Um, no.

Better living through Hallmark, I guess. I better get on the phone and invite my brother over for dinner so we can officially say we have plans that involve once again choosing my family over theirs.

medical

a few medical thoughts:

My period came back today, four months and two days after giving birth. Apparently my body has a relentless desire to procreate.

My parents called last night. In the past, I used to sometimes blow off their calls (caller ID) if I was in the middle of something or busy. Not a mean blow off, just a I have bigger things going on blow off, I'll get to the parents later kind of thing. No longer - I always answer now. But, I realized last night as I reached for the phone, when I see the caller ID my heart doesn't skip a beat. I think I have to get this what if, but my heart doesn't feel oh no. So, my dad has cataracts. Surgery to remove them in early April. Which has to be balanced against his blood thinners for the 'deep vein thrombosis.' His leg has been getting better, and he's feeling ok. The cataracts don't bother him, he said, but good to have them removed before they get worse. Since in my family we don't gush or worry out loud, I said, wow, what is going on, it's just one thing after another. I know, said my mom, he's falling to pieces. We've had a busy couple of months.

They don't sound worried, but they never do. I'm a product of this family, so I don't feel worried. Except for the dull thud of dread in the pit of my stomach, which I try to ignore. He's 67, will be 68 in another month. Too soon, too soon.

And then last week, I wanted to do a post but was just busy. I'm a brand loyalist, which extends to my tv watching. Love Grey's Anatomy, loved the Addison Shepherd character, HATE and despise Private Practice, the spin off show. And yet I keep watching. Last week's story is the beginning of Addison possibly having an affair with the husband of one of her patients. Her patient who has suffered two pregnancy losses and is in the midst of a third, very difficult pregnancy. Infidelity combined with infertility as entertainment. I fucking hate this storyline. And yet I cannot stop watching the damn show. It starts in a few minutes, so I will watch.

Oh, bonus point, non medically related - I had a dream last night about my mother in law. I dreamt we went someplace close by their house, and so stopped in to see them. And the MIL was perfectly nice and reasonable, but my father in law refused to see us and stayed upstairs the entire time we visited in the living room with my totally rationally sane MIL. Weird. Very weird.

(and Andiamo, thanks for the nice words!)

MIL's birthday

Last week was the mother in law's birthday. My husband sent cards and posted some pics on our family photo site (we post family pics on a password-protected site (think Picasa, Kodak Gallery, and the like - since we live so far from family/friends).

MIL wrote my husband an e-mail just thanking him for the cards. Husband wrote her back and said she was welcome, and we had just had some studio pics taken that we would mail to her once they came in.

My husband just told me today that MIL wrote him back. She asked - why did we care about her now and seem to be reaching out after ignoring her since December 2007 and keeping news about her grandson from her.

Let me repeat that - keeping news of her grandson from her.

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

She really heard nothing of what we told her when we told her about the pregnancy.

Husband wrote her back today and said he had been hurting so much in December 2007 and needed their understanding and didn't get it - got in fact the opposite. And that had really hurt, and he needed time - a lot of time - to recover from that.

Gah. We're getting sucked back in, aren't we?

*since I had to edit to correct a typo, just thought I'd add - how on earth did I marry into a family where a $4.29 card from Target is the be-all end-all in emotional communication?

*eyeroll*

Oh for Pete's sake. The in-laws made a small reappearance. In December, my MIL sent my husband an e-mail essentially saying she was done with us. I wrote about it here and here. Here's the thing about my husband - inertia goes a long way with him. He never responded to the e-mail, nor has he done anything about the returned Christmas presents. (Since we're so in the realm of the absurd with them, I have to say I loved that post made readers de-lurk. Yes, it was that shocking to cause non comment-ers to comment!). He hasn't done anything cause he's not sure what to do, but also life sort of takes off, you know? There's not much time to deal with the drama.

Laura almost nailed it in her comment on this post - they are the ones who feed off the drama. And yeah, when we don't respond, it tends to get to them. So last night husband is checking his personal e-mail account and starts shaking his head. His mother resent the December e-mail. I guess she thinks an e-mail that says we're done with you followed by a cold-hearted returning of presents doesn't really mean they are done? She wants to engage? Ridiculous. She sends an e-mai lsaying don't contact us, then resends it when we don't contact her? She is really the most emotionally immature person I have ever met.

(BTW, the head cold seems a little better today. Maybe we had the worst of it over the weekend. I hope so. Thanks for the ideas, I will definitely try a few new tricks.)

what will it take?

I too am flummoxed by the unwrapping of the gifts, only to return them. What, if they were really good, they would have kept them? Did the gifts themselves not measure up? Inexplicable. But then again, the whole thing is inexplicable.

So, my husband says every time something happens with them, it's like a punch in the gut. And this was a wallop. He semi-expected it, though, but that doesn't make it any easier.

But, he's not done. Against all logic and reason, he's still trying to figure out what the next step is. I pressed him hard, asking what it would take to realize they won't change and stepping away is the best for now. He countered we stepped away for a year, but that didn't help, and there's got to be something..........

There's nothing. I know there's nothing, except complete capitulation to their way of thinking, that will resolve this with them. But my husband can't walk away. He says he can't fathom they don't want to have anything to do with our son. That no one in his immediate family is willing to welcome him in any way.

I don't know what to say to that. But, then again, once the year turns and things get relatively back to normal, real life will kick in and it won't be the holidays and time will just pass. Part of the problem is I am done. I mean, come on, what else do they have to do to demonstrate how awful they are? But it's not my family.

So, he wants to send the box back. Write that Christmas is a time of giving and we give these gifts freely to them because we want to, and please don't send them back. And that he notes for the second year in a row they've failed to acknowledge their granddaughter, and now grandson, on the holidays.

I semi-joked I wanted to send them a postcard that simply said, I'm sure your grand-daughter will understand your petty sentiments.

I was going to do a post this week about my pettiness. The thing is, I miss their gifts. They are absolutely the worst money managers in the world - already gone through bankruptcy 10 years ago - and part of their problem is they spend extravagantly. Not wildly extravagantly like giving Coach bags or designer this or that, but fairly nice stuff. My parents aren't well off, so Christmas with them is always modest. But it was nice to get a $50 gift card to Ann Taylor or whatever, on top of a nice assortment of knick-knacks and stuff. I'll admit it, I liked it. And of course the overload for our daughter. And I find I am actually resentful there were no gifts last year and now this year. I have to remind myself every extravagance they spend now is just one step closer to running out of money in their retirement and their pending need to be cared for in their old age. And believe me, they're not living in my house when that day comes.

Though there is the first year we were married. We went to my parents house for Christmas, and so made it to the inlaws after the New Year (something they bring up now - we've had to celebrate the holidays with you in January!). We were swept into the living room, where there was a stack of presents. I unwrapped the two for me. You know those quilted boxes that you store china in? Yep - one present of the box for tea cups, the other present was the boxes for dinner plates and salad plates. I still use those boxes, actually, the six sets of wedding china we got are carefully stored in the basement right now. But my husband had about, no lie, 25 presents to unwrap. I sat there as he unwrapped Ralph Lauren shirts, and pants, golf shirts, t-shirts, underwear (yes, my MIL gave him underwear our first year of marriage!), socks - a whole wardrobe of 3 or 4 outfits, plus golf balls and gloves and various other things. About half way through I excused myself and let the dog out back and shed a few pity tears for myself. The next year my husband's brother was married (to someone more suitable, natch) and the gift giving evened out.

But those quilted boxes! What a message that sent in year one. So tell me, what messages have you received over the years in your stocking? Coal comes in many shapes and sizes.

Oh, noes they did not

Remember I last typed we had busted our butts getting presents out to the in-laws? Well, today we got a package from my parents-in-law. They had unwrapped the gifts we gave them, repacked them in the box, added a note that said "we think it is inappropriate to exchange gifts this year" and mailed the box back to us.

Oh yes they did.

holidays

Survived Christmas, though it was exhausting. Too much (mostly shopping) left for the last minute, too many things to do. The little man is sleeping a little better, but still up at least twice in the night. I'm getting by basically on 5 interrupted hours a night. And the two days leading up to Christmas were so busy there was no time for a nap - and getting a nap is key to surviving sleep deprivation.

Things have been tough with my husband. He's sleep deprived and stressed about his family and there's been too much to do and it's resulted in us not not connecting and a pretty bad week, actually. Without talking it out, we both just kind of came to a mutual let's not be upset with each other moment on Christmas Eve. And it's nice to be more connected. I hope next week we can talk some of this through. Or maybe, I've been thinking, we need more joint counseling to hash some of it out. I just don't know.

On the in-law front, no word from anyone. We busted our butts to get packages out to his brother and his parents and sister. And nothing in return. Actually, we got a package from his brother's wife, with two presents - for our daughter and son. When we opened the presents on Christmas morning, realized, because of cards, it was my daughter's 3rd birthday present (from September!) and son's birth present.

My husband called his brother Christmas morning, but the brother had gone back to bed. So he chatted with his 4 year old niece and sister in law. She said if it was up to her she'd pack up niece and the two of them would come to the baptism on Sunday. But it's not up to her. No call back from his brother, no word from his sister, nothing from his parents.

My husband e-mailed his sister on Monday to ask about being godmother (he had called a few days prior with no response). She e-mailed back neither a yes nor a no, but did say she couldn't get off work to come.

I hadn't sent in the paperwork to even have the baptism (despite scheduling and sending out invites for an open house party for Sunday!). I sent them in Christmas Eve and certainly hope we're on the schedule this weekend. Gotta call and confirm. I just wrote his sister's name on the paperwork, and said she would not attend.

Oh, and despite eating horribly the past week, I still managed to lose 2 pounds. Breastfeeding is a miracle in some ways.

So a quick update. My husband and parents are out shopping for food for our open house, and I'm home supposed to be cleaning/organizing. This is just a quick just the facts post - but there's so much more going on. Between my husband and me. Thinking about my in-laws. A question about my sister. Too much thought about the past. Thinking about the future for all of us. More thoughtful posts to follow, I hope. I feel like I've been on a non-stop treadmill for the past week. Just have to hang on til Monday, when it should at least slow down. A little.