Monday, August 10, 2009

Time heals all?

Thanks for the well wishes. It was....nice. Flowers showed up at the door, dinner was delicious, we talked about our favorite memories from that day and from the honeymoon. All in all, it was what it should have been.

Though I do wonder, does anyone actually get that diamond anniversary band? Kidding! But come on, I like shiny pretty things as much as the next girl.

So did anyone see this in the NY Times? Happily (so she thinks) married woman's husband tells her he doesn't love her anymore and wants out and she.....ignores him. Gives him space. Lets him work it out until, 4 months later, he's back in the family fold (upon which there are lots of hard talks and working things out, it's not as simple as it appears). Fascinating. It's essentially the same advice in the various prevent divorce books (divorce busting, etc), and mirrors other advice I've received or read. And it, sort of, is the strategy that worked for me, too, except I was more in his face about it than is recommended.

I don't know how sustainable my marriage is over the long term. But the truth of the matter is no one really knows for sure, either. It is what it is, for now. I do know there is a deep and lasting scar, and I don't know if we'll transcend it. I don't think, right now, it's healed particularly well. But it is definitely still in the healing phase.


CLC said...

Happy belated anniversary. I did read that and was fascinated. I don't know that I could pull that off because I think I would be too irate. I admire both of your patience!

And thinking of you and the little babe that should be two.

Paz said...

Glad your anniversary was so nice.

I have not read the article yet. Even though this seems to have a happy ending, I avoid such topics. It touches a nerve...

After trying for 1.5 years, we were blessed to have a son after which his papa lost it. When he was 3 months old, I decided to leave. I was not about to have the first few months of my only child's life be surrounded by negativity or fighting. So, I packed him up and left (I was lucky to have place to go)

We continued our therapy together and after a few months we moved back in together. The scars for me were still very, VERY deep, but I made a leap of faith. Now my son is fast-approaching 3, we are doing rather well and are happy.

Scarred? Yes. But things are good.

I agree with you, there are no guarantees that things would work out even if we never had had any troubles. I learned a lot about myself, like I am much stronger than I ever imagined, which is not to say I did not cry a lot and spend too much time leaning on my best friends; and I am fairly level-headed, which is not to say that I did not have some moments of anguish-caused embarrassing behavior.

And finally, I am humbled by forgiveness, it is healing.

For anyone who goes through relationship troubles I will pass along one of the biggest lessons I learned: don't take your partner's bad behavior too personally. It is usually more about them than you.Try to be compassionate towards them (yes, even when you want to break their nose.)

Metro said...

good link, thanks.

Astarte said...

I'm glad you had a nice time out. You certainly have come a long way from when I started reading you! For what it's worth, and however long it lasts, I'm glad you have some peace.

Jo said...

Wow. What an awesome article. . .it hit home on many, many levels. I also appreciate your comments, WhichBox, and I get how reading someone else's story that seems so much like yours can make it difficult to remain as objective as you'd like, and thus make it hard to comment or be supportive. I've felt that way many times. Our stories differ, and yet at the core, are they really that dissimilar?

Thank god for blogging, and for the women (like you) who keep me sane.