Monday, August 31, 2009

I might be crazy....

So, you may remember my anniversary was a few weeks ago. There may have been a fair amount of wine consumed that night, by both of us, and that may have led to a little bit of marital relations, which may have then led to a, uh oh, what day of the month is it calculation, which resulted in a realization it was day 15. Realistically speaking, I thought we were 'safe.' Day 15 hasn't proven to be a key day for us in the past, and sure enough, last week on Day 28 cycle started all over again.

And I was......bummed. Yeah, bummed. Like everyone else I'm clicking furiously at Niobe's and holding my breath and hoping for good news. And wondering, what about us?

Emotionally, I'd like to have three children. But I look around and think, am I crazy? First, not entirely sure the marriage could handle a third. Sleep deprivation is a tough, tough state. My daughter is down and out with strep and my son is going through teething, so we take turns in the middle of the night up with each of them. Who the heck would take care of a third? There are only two of us! Add in a fragile marriage, a small-ish house, an already manageable but tight budget, my age, past difficulties, not great physical condition, a desire to spend more one on one time with the children I have......why in the world would I want a third?

On day 28 my husband came home from work and told me friends of ours with kids roughly ours ages were going for #3. Husband said friend asked him if we were, and husband told me, I said I don't know, we never talk about it. I don't want to talk about it right now, because logically the answer is no. So I changed the subject to our own kid crisis of the moment, whatever it was.

And I wonder. Maybe next summer, breastfeeding over, me in better shape, still 41 not quite 42...maybe? Maybe? I don't know. Maybe I am crazy.

Meanwhile, I'll keep cheering on everyone else, and hoping for good news.


Kymberli said...

I think that for anyone in any given situation, trying to conceive can be illogical depending on how you view it. The desire to have children is as much a matter of the heart as it is the mind, perhaps even more so. The mind can rationalize why trying for another baby is just crazy, but the heart usually wants to hear little of that.

Wabi said...

Part of me still longs for another child, though in my case the uterine rupture makes it impossible for me to carry another on my own. So I get the sadness you feel. Like Kymberli said, it's not like we all decide to have kids because we made a list of pros and cons and the pros won -- the yearning is not the same as logic.

niobe said...

What they said. Logically, pretty much no one should have any kids, let alone just one more kid. I know my own longing for more. But it's what I want more than anything.

Jo said...

I'm going to move one step further and say that not only do I "get" how the longing of a child doesn't stop based on the rationality of it, but that I say "screw rational." Be crazy. Have a baby.

As crazy as it may be, I am fully convinced that there is nothing more fulfilling. Go for it, and don't apologize.