Twisty your road

Am I doing OK left twisty your road as a comment, and it just made me laugh.

Indeed.

I don't even know where to start. I've been really up and down and every place in between these past few weeks. Should I stay or should I go, to quote, um, who? If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double. I've known, and blogged, that life isn't linear, there are fits and starts and highs and lows and everything in between, and sometimes all of it on the same day.

My counselor and I talked a lot about my desire to have another child. She asked the classic question of what I expected from a second child and the impact it would have on my marriage. I answered very honestly - I wanted a second child for me, and a sibling for my daughter. This desire had almost nothing to do with my husband. He was either going to be a part, or not. In a lot of ways I think this is a healthy attitude. I can't do much, if anything, about him and his maturity levels. I can't say we'll still be married, much less happily married, in ten years. For a lot of people, perhaps, that's reason enough to not try again. For me, it's more of saying this is what I want in my life, and I'm going for it. Not consequences be damned, no, far from it. Eyes wide open the ramifications may have profound impact, and recognizing I'd rather life my life with two children. There are no guarantees even if there are no more children in the mix.

That said, let's not forget how I got to the blog world in the first place. There really are no guarantees. This is my fourth pregnancy, and I have one living child. And I'm 39. The odds are not entirely in my favor, and that part scares me to death.

The RE today said that even if things were perfectly healthy, at my age it sometimes happen that the woman doesn't produce enough progesterone, so he's prescribing it for the next 8 weeks or so. Hell, at this stage it's hard to even say for sure what's going on - they drew blood and I'm waiting for the results today. If all looks fine today, they'll schedule regular blood draws these next few weeks, up until the ultrasound to see if there's a heartbeat and "normal" development. At that point, they'd turn me over to my regular OB.

However, let's also remember pregnancy #3. Suspicious nuchal measurement, bad blood work, CVS, loss. My OB doesn't do CVS or advanced screening, I was at a specialist. She said at the time, if I were to get pregnant again she'd recommend not screwing around and going straight for the CVS at 10.5 weeks. I brought that up to the RE, he flipped through my history and immediately said he'd absolutely recommend that, with this same specialist.

So there is a long, long way to go. I was scared to death of the CVS the first time, and that was knowing there was something likely going on and that it would be best to know. Driven by panic and fear. This time, should I get that far, I think it might actually be harder to do it.
It was actually fairly painless and quick, with no adverse affects. But still, it's invasive, with risk associated. I read the more experienced your practitioner the lower the risk, and this one specialist is very practiced. But still....

And then let's throw in my job, and the fact the CVS would then likely be at a VERY busy, stressful time. Great. Oh yeah, my job. I can't even think about that right now, and given my 1 for 3 odds, that's just going to stay buried for a while.

I guess the million dollar question is how did my husband react? My daughter has developed a deep love of presents, and I was at Target yesterday and picked up the pee sticks, along with a few things for her. So when I got home I had presents for her (new shoes). I went upstairs and did the stick thing. I've never turned it over and waited - I always watch the - oh, crap, what's it called - my science training gets further and further away. Capillary action? Of the movement of the liquid up the stick, across the panel. Control line popped up as the line moved across it, but no other line. And I thought, ok, dummy, another waste of $15. And then the second line showed up, maybe 10 seconds in. I waited all two minutes or whatever and it was still there.

So I went downstairs, handed it to my husband and I said I have a present for you, too. He was uncomprehending for about two seconds before a big grin spread across his face. Really?!

I've learned he's a better liar than I ever thought. But there wasn't a flicker of doubt. I asked him the same question, as we'd just spent all weekend with basketball on - so what's the over/under on our marriage now. And he responded forever.

I'm not that naive, but it was a good answer.

Doctor's office just called. Definitely pregnant. He wants me to take some estrogen, too, as the number was a little low. (Beta - 653, Progesterone 16, Estrogen 128. I have no idea what that means).

I keep waiting for my movie fadeout. I guess the real lesson is there is no movie ending for anyone. Life is more than 2 hour blocks of story telling. The good news/bad news is it keeps going. Really hoping the road straightens out for a bit.