a big step?

Wow, my last few posts have been, shall we say, terrible? I was in a bad place last week, felt terrible, anxious, unsettled, plus a weird eye thing. I hate not feeling well, it makes me very whiny, sounding like a 12 year old writing in my super secret diary.

Also, I watch FAR too much TV.

On Friday, my husband went out in the evening without me for the first time since November and his last "date." It was with my brother, who called with an extra playoff ticket. I hadn't realized how upset it was making me until Friday. My husband said he wouldn't go, but I mean really if I can't trust him out with my brother, we're in worse shape than I thought, right? On top of that, on Saturday he had plans (carefully pre-screened with me) for a father-child outing with a friend of his who has a son the same age as our daughter. The first time since December when my heart was breaking at the thought of them doing things without me.

I'm a person who likes alone time. I like just chilling out, doing my own thing. I need me time. Since the fall I've been out a small handful of times, plus I've traveled. I like alone time in my own house, though, and lately I've actually wanted it. But it certainly doesn't feel very safe or comfortable to have my husband out and about and me home babysitting, or he and my daughter out while I stay home alone.

Friday night was tough. I went to bed early, and was just terribly sad at everything that had happened, at how my husband treated me last fall, at the lies and the deception. As with most grief, it's lessened over time - no longer the sharp agony, just a dull ache of hurt. Enough to bring tears of sadness and pain, no longer enough to cause sobbing.

It was worse, though, when he got home. The game had been exciting, there was drinking involved, so he came home keyed up. Got into bed noisily, watched TV noisily, thumped around. I think he wanted me to wake up and engage with him, but I was, you know, ASLEEP. He finally got out of bed and came to the computer for an hour or so, to wind down. When he came back to bed, waking me again, I asked what he had been doing and he said just surfing, had playoff fever.

I think (well, we know) my husband is insecure. At his worst, during both affairs, he's said to me he needs someone who can "run with him." This last time my response was, WTF, run with you to where, the bar? That's a meaningful life. I want someone who will run with me into the future, into caring for our child, making a home, making a life.

In contrast, my brother is married to a woman who goes to bed at some absurdly early hours, like 9 pm. She never wants to go out or do much of anything. My brother knocks around his house until 11 or midnight every night, by himself. He calls my parents or my sister. Surfs the web, does stuff around the house, talks to friends. Reads. Watches TV. Is OK being by himself. My husband can't do that. He needs the buzz - of others, of excitement, of stuff happening.

In a lot of ways, how he was when he came home was worse than him being out. Because I don't know if he can be content. If home is where his heart is. I don't think that's true.