jumbled

Still here - back from vacation, and just taking a little blog rest. It's not that I don't have topics or thoughts. But maybe I have too many, and they are too jumbled. I've jsut been filled with a vaguely dissatisfied feeling for....well, for too long.

Our vacation was great. Mostly great. Was it great? Two years ago, we vacationed with our friends. My New Zealand friends are in the US this month, and we all got together - 6 adults, 5 girls ages 3-5, 3 boys under a year old. And we had our usual good time together. Which is what I thought we had two years ago, as my personal shit storm was gathering force, about to really wallop me.

Vacationing with kids is busy. Always a lot going on, always something to do. I felt my husband and I weren't connecting very well. About halfway into the week, he said something about how well things were going between us. There was a context, but I can't remember now what had caused that statement. I was agog, though. I felt he had been distant. I knew I didn't think things were good between us. There was no affection whatsoever. I've been thinking about this for awhile now. I think he is on autopilot. We're in the midst of small kid-dom and you just get through it as best you can. That's where I thought we were 2 years ago (with a huge side helping of grief and regret on my plate), but he was miserable and plotting his escape. And this time, I wasn't happy. Not miserable. Not plotting my escape. But not happy.

I really don't know where I am right now. I have no idea where "we" are. It makes it tough to write. My thoughts meander. It's no wonder, if you look at the past few months of my writing, it's all external. Comments on bad politicians and bad TV shows. Not inward, because inward is jumbled, disordered, unclear.

How are you feeling these days? Satisfied? Dischordant? Any tricks for cutting through the clutter and coming back to the clear?