Here is a gripe about a baby shower. I'm not emily post-esque, nor do baby showers thrill me or fill me with despair. But we're going to a shower this weekend and it's making me tense. Back story - one of our couple friends moved last year, a thousand miles away. The male half is very outgoing and constantly organizing dinners and parties and outings, so when they moved, we lost some connection to going out. Not that, now with two kids, we're all that social, but it's always nice to be invited places and on the nights we do decide to eat out, have friends we can call and say meet us at wherever, or come over and watch whatever sporting event. So they move and now the wife is pregnant. She is from Pakistan, but very secular. But she has no family in the US. The shower is for them. The guy is a pretty practical, pragmatic guy. So the baby shower is turning out to be a pragmatic way for them to get gifts and it is just grating on me.
The good thing is our friend wants to get together with the large group of friends he left behind. And the wife is pregnant, so a combined party/co-ed baby shower seems smart, right? But many of his friends are younger and the ones who volunteered to host don't have a large enough place, so at first the shower was going to be at someone parent's house. But the parents have a very nice place and don't like kids, so people couldn't bring kids, to a weekend afternoon party. Difficult. So now they've decided to move to a restaurant. And they are charging people to attend - not much, $15-20/adult.
Every other day there is some e-mail message with more details, all written by the husband, our friend. Since they're flying, don't bring big gifts to the shower. They didn't finish the registery, so you can buy things from whatever the store is and have it shipped to their home. They aren't finding out the sex, so please nothing pink or blue. Please don't forget gift receipts if you do bring a gift. Etc.
I scream a little scream with every e-mail. Logically, this all makes sense. They've moved a thousand miles away, we'll see them once a year at best, so this is a great way to see them both, and they get to see our kids. We love them and want to get them something for the baby. She doesn't have family or close friends here so a co-ed shower/party means we'll see them and a lot of other people. It's great we don't have to worry about babysitters. A restaurant is expensive, so everyone chipping in makes sense. But somehow it is just reduced to such a mercenary transaction, you know? I really just wish we had offered to host, honestly. But 40 people is a bit of a stretch for our very small place, and these other people had stepped forward and put these plans in motion before we ever even learned they were coming to town. So tell me, how petty am I, or would this bother you?
2 years ago
14 comments:
Rest assured, that would bother me, too.
It's just TOO organized to be a "laid-back" get together.
All the policies that were put up for this event would bother me as well.
Tell them that you regret not being able to attend, but that every time someone CHARGES A FRIEND TO ATTEND THEIR OWN BABY SHOWER, Emily Post kills a kitten.
This would really bother me. I love Wabi's comment, and it's so true. It's very tacky to charge someone to come to your babyshower. I think maybe one email would have been acceptable, but multiple emails are really kind of tacky too.
Sometimes I feel like people get carried away with the whole Shower thing (be it wedding or baby) and tact gets thrown out the window.
Yes, what Wabi said. Also, I would be annoyed for these reasons:
-dude, we are all busy people. The world doesn't revolve around YOU. I don't have time for your 18,000 emails. Not the time to read them-and certainly not the time to follow every directive.
-how about "let's all meet for pizza"
-and "no gifts" please-we are flying and really just want to see you guys. (i.e. no gifts at all.)
Seriously, the tact police need to step in....
I love your blog for so many reasons, but today's post is a good example. You are just like the rest of us wondering if we are being petty or if this is seriously rude. Listen, anytime someone's HUSBAND is in charge of organizing an event, let alone a baby shower, things will go just like this. He's a guy and totally ridiculous. Just because he likes to socialize doesn't mean he's good at planning things. The wife is probably hormonal and telling him "what about this"..."how in the hell is that gonna work?"...not to mention missing her family.
He's an idiot with good intentions...like most of our husbands.
It's too late to have it at your place and unfortunately it looks like you're paying for the shower and the gift. sucks.
It will be over quickly and lets all agree not to let our husbands "coordinate" any events for us, mmkay?
-Andiamo
This reminds me of a time long, long ago, when a friend of mine (let's call her Griselda) was pregnant with her first child. I lived in one city (let's call it Bashington) and she lived in another, reasonably nearby, city (let's call it Waltimore).
One of our mutual friends sent me an invitation to participate in Griselda's "shower by mail." By which she meant that, while I wasn't invited to the actual party in Waltimore, I could send Griselda a gift. A registry list was helpfully enclosed.
Yeah, I was miffed. And if I were you, I'd be miffed too.
I would be miffed too.
I was recently miffed by my brother's baby shower. It was co-ed, 4 hours long, in a cabin in a park (child friendly in theory), but no children allowed. My dear husband happily and eagerly volunteered to be the watcher of the children. We were served pizza that could no longer even be called warm, fruit that was still frozen, and there was only a 1/2 sheet cake for all (so you got a piece the size of a postage stamp). My sister did not RSVP to the hostess but told my SIL that she was coming. Hostess tells my sister she is very rude and better not eat anything. SIL hears this and says hostess is joking, hostess says no I wasn't. Sister almost leaves taking our gift with her (joint gift from the siblings and my mom, a $320 Britax car seat... which we never got a Thank You card for). I had offered to host this shower, but was told that the shower should be hosted by family. Keep in mind this is going to be my nephew, the hostess is my SIL older 1/2 brother's ex-wife. At this point I had even offered my help for the shower that was happening (bring food, costs, exc... "no it really just should be from family". This attitude is continuing and let me tell you my siblings, mom, and I have just about had it, the baby is due next week) My brother and SIL managed to talk to us for less than 10 minutes (I was sitting with my aunts and uncles). My SIL and her mother have told us that some of the gifts were labeled to "Baby My Brother's Last Name" and this is very offensive, my SIL intends on giving the baby her last name and not involving my brother's last name at all (her quote "and there is nothing he can do about it", yes they are married). My one uncle who is very blunt said at the end of the shower, that it was an awful experience and he sure hopes my sister does something along the lines I did (which was all of the women did the shower with kids running around us, the men and a couple of the older kids (read boys) went to a sports bar, were called when the shower was over, loaded the gifts into the car, then had a hot meal of the leftovers (which there were more leftovers than there was food in the first place at my SILs). Okay, end rant. I've been waiting to vent this.
Wow, of all the nerve! Wabi's comment is hilarious and it should totally be followed. Or send him a link to baby shower etiquette (there has to be one, right?). But really you can't do anything but smile your way through it, right? (At least, if you're Emily Post-ing it.)
Obviously he has zero idea what an a$$ he's being by doing all of this, and she's foreign so she probably has no idea that it's no ok.
Erg. Sorry for all the drama, these things are so frustrated.
Wow, of all the nerve! Wabi's comment is hilarious and it should totally be followed. Or send him a link to baby shower etiquette (there has to be one, right?). But really you can't do anything but smile your way through it, right? (At least, if you're Emily Post-ing it.)
Obviously he has zero idea what an a$$ he's being by doing all of this, and she's foreign so she probably has no idea that it's no ok.
Erg. Sorry for all the drama, these things are so frustrated.
It's not petty. It's annoying as hell. I purposely don't include receipts when asked for them. And don't even get me started at addressing my own thank you envelope. People have gotten so lazy.
I had two out of town showers. One was a book shower and the hostess arranged shipping. The other was s regular shower and the hostess arranged shipping. Almost all people shipped the larger gifts and brought photos and included receipts. All without anyone telling them. Because they are adults.
It's not petty. It's annoying as hell. I purposely don't include receipts when asked for them. And don't even get me started at addressing my own thank you envelope. People have gotten so lazy.
I had two out of town showers. One was a book shower and the hostess arranged shipping. The other was s regular shower and the hostess arranged shipping. Almost all people shipped the larger gifts and brought photos and included receipts. All without anyone telling them. Because they are adults.
This would definitely annoy me. When my cousin got married, we got to the reception (at a restaurant) and found out that everyone had to pay for their own meal. And we couldn't choose what we were having - it was spaghetti.
I understand your friend wanting to make sure of the practical things, but assuming that everyone invited is an adult, he really shouldn't have to spell it out for everyone. I completely understand how it's becoming a non-fun thing now.
Jesus, they might just as well hae set up a pay pal account for you to send money too. This one bites. I'd be pissy about it also. And likely find something else that 'came up' last minute which would keep me away from the big event.
Like maybe, a nap.
I think I would find it a little grating to be constantly told what to buy for someone. But, the husband may just be trying to make up for the fact that she has no family near them, and maybe not any real friends yet so soon after they've moved. When I got laid off while I was pregnant with our second, DH tried to organize a baby shower for me with my friends. I was mortified, because it seemed to me like we were asking for gifts, but he was totally clueless until I explained to him why I was upset about it, and actually argued with me a little as to whether it was inappropriate. So, the guy may just be totally clueless / in a baby fog and be trying to have a part in the whole baby thing so he can feel included.
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