I've not written much lately about the state of the marriage. It's hard. I don't really know what to write. On the surface, day to day, we seem perfectly normal. I smile, we hang out, we're parenting together. And underneath it all I struggle.
My husband had a counseling appointment last week, and over dinner I asked him how it went, and what he discussed. Mostly his family, not surprisingly (his counselor: you know they're not normal, right?). I asked if he talked about us, and he said a little, but not much.
I said, I think you think we're on track and I'm over everything (code word for his infidelity). He replied, well, with so much else going on (code: the no-job stress) I figured it's just on your back burner. I just shook my head. It's on the front burner.
It's always on the front burner. I think about it every day, and I don't know how to "get over it."
I've been trying, objectively, to think about why infidelity is so debilitating. What is it about the situation that is so incredibly hurtful. I think if I knew, maybe I could help to heal. But I can't put my finger on it. I think it comes down to betrayal, though I can't define what that really means. I was betrayed by the one person I should be able to count on. So now, when we have any sort of disagreement (normal marital disagreements that come along with a toddler and newborn), my first thought is, remember, you can't count on him.
I don't even know how to put into words how I feel, or what I think. You know there are all these studies and pop culture anecdotes about how men and women react differently to whatever. How men just move on, and women want to rehash every little thing. I have so many unresolved feelings, and somehow my husband ended the relationship, quit his job, left behind good friends, and never looks back. Is it really possible he never looks back?
You could say we're following the time heals all wounds theory. Enough time passes, life goes on, and the pain/betrayal recedes into the background.
I think this is all I can type today about it, but there's more. I'm thinking about going to see the movie Revolutionary Road, which I know is (at least partially) struggles in marriage, and banality, and life. I want to live a meaningful life. I don't want to just go along. Have you seen the movie? Should I see it, or avoid it?
5 days ago