Turn around

We have my daughter enrolled for the second year in a summer co-op pre-school, which means it's organized and staffed by parents, generally the moms. I've gotten to know a few of the moms over the past two years, though haven't made the leap to outside of school connections. There's one mom though I've always liked. She was diagnosed with thyroid cancer this spring and had an operation just before summer started. She seems to be doing ok with recovery. I like her because she's open and honest and direct and common-sensical. She calls it like she sees it, and we generally see things the same way.

One day a couple of weeks ago we were the two parents moving the kids to the gym area and as the kids ran ahead and started to play we were chatting about stuff in general when suddenly talked turned to life. She said, it's just been a really rough time, lost a pregnancy last spring, husband quit his stable job to open his own startup, economy collapses and his business is failing, I've not worked in 4 years and have to find work now, cancer, always thought I'd have three kids and now once things are back on track we'll look into adopting, I'm just so angry all of the time - so angry - and I'm taking it out on him for everything. Jsut a rough time.

I did those general female support things, nodded, made appropriate mummurs of empathy, etc. While inside I was blown away - by her honestly, by her matter of factness in reciting this litany of crap. And then the moment passed, and the kids demanded our attention, and I just filed it away.

And the next week her kid developed pneumonia and was hospitalized (though it was not too serious, her son just required oxygen support for a few days). I sent her an e-mail, replying to the news, and said it really seemed like she was in the shitstorm, and I had been though my own period of crap - one that lasted almost two years. I ran through the list- lost baby, marital problems, lost a job, money worries, family illness, family issues, etc (though was very careful to word in such a way that I wasn't comparing and certainly nothing like fighting cncer in the middle of it all - I imagine a cancer survivor is sensitive to "I know just what you're going through, I stubbed my toe last week!"). She wrote a nice note back from the hospital room thanking me for sharing, and I wrote her back saying I think everyone goes throuh their own various hellish periods, and the more we're honest about life sometimes sucking, the easier it is to get support during those times.

So, who knows. Maybe a new friendship is emerging. But, I tell this overly long story for a few reasons. As always, you never know what others are going through. I do think honesty begets honesty (at some level). After all, my litany of crap was heavily edited. Left out the crazy inlaws, the infidelity, the divorce lawyer consulted, the huge sums of money spent on counseling, the firing, the lawyers, the stress. You can't look from the outside and presume to know what's happening in a family. From the outside, heck, other than my obvious weight problem, I look pretty darn good, too. Two kids, a good job, supportive husband, fun activities. You don't see the scars or damage below the surface.

But, it also made me think, as I was typing out this sanitized version of the great shitstorm of '07, what were the parameters of this shitstorm? And when did it end? 'Cause, much to my surprise, I realized it did end. It felt endless when in the middle of it, and without a doubt there are lingering effects, but if something bad were to happen now, it'll be a new bad thing - no longer a continuation of what started in early '07. It didn't end with the birth in November. Those first early baby days were hard. The little guy settling down and getting on a schedule and us all adjusting to his presence helped turn the corner. (oh lord, am I totally jinxing myself even typing this? Am I asking for trouble?). Getting the call of this new job, and starting the job, and having positive feedback I was a valuable member of the team - that's really what helped set my ship a little straighter in the water. Life isn't perfect. But it's a whole heck of a lot better than it was a year ago. Or two years ago. Oh, there are plently of things out there to knock me off course - the ever present inlaw issue. The Marriage and What To Do about our issues. Plenty of other shoes that could drop. New things to constantly worry about. PLENTY.

I feel like I'm emerging, blinking, from the darkness. And that, for now, is good. A fragile good, but good nonetheless. For now. I can't - and won't - stop caveating. More than anything, I think, surviving a shitstorm teaches you to be humble. There's not much that keeps me or anyone from the bad.

jumbled

Still here - back from vacation, and just taking a little blog rest. It's not that I don't have topics or thoughts. But maybe I have too many, and they are too jumbled. I've jsut been filled with a vaguely dissatisfied feeling for....well, for too long.

Our vacation was great. Mostly great. Was it great? Two years ago, we vacationed with our friends. My New Zealand friends are in the US this month, and we all got together - 6 adults, 5 girls ages 3-5, 3 boys under a year old. And we had our usual good time together. Which is what I thought we had two years ago, as my personal shit storm was gathering force, about to really wallop me.

Vacationing with kids is busy. Always a lot going on, always something to do. I felt my husband and I weren't connecting very well. About halfway into the week, he said something about how well things were going between us. There was a context, but I can't remember now what had caused that statement. I was agog, though. I felt he had been distant. I knew I didn't think things were good between us. There was no affection whatsoever. I've been thinking about this for awhile now. I think he is on autopilot. We're in the midst of small kid-dom and you just get through it as best you can. That's where I thought we were 2 years ago (with a huge side helping of grief and regret on my plate), but he was miserable and plotting his escape. And this time, I wasn't happy. Not miserable. Not plotting my escape. But not happy.

I really don't know where I am right now. I have no idea where "we" are. It makes it tough to write. My thoughts meander. It's no wonder, if you look at the past few months of my writing, it's all external. Comments on bad politicians and bad TV shows. Not inward, because inward is jumbled, disordered, unclear.

How are you feeling these days? Satisfied? Dischordant? Any tricks for cutting through the clutter and coming back to the clear?

Wow

We're on vacation, so this is just a quick dash off - wow is this
Sanford situation crazy or what? By far the most public unraveling of
a marriage I've ever seen. But also the most real. It is interesting
to hear various media accounts. Ultimately, we prefer our gossip a bit
more sanitized. Not quite so revealing, perhaps. But this guy is
putting it all out there. He's going to get drummed out if office for
the unseemly public display, not the actual offense.

surrounded

I swear, there's a sex scandal around every corner. (and here is a very funny link to a flowchart of Republican sex scandals, 2006-2009 - don't worry, I'll get back to bashing John Edwards (D), soon enough. Sex scandals are bipartisan).

At least this time, Sanford's wife wasn't forced to stand beside or behind him as he made his lame apology. It seems like wives have learned they don't have to humiliate themselves when their husband acts like an ass. And, Jenny Sanford issued a pretty substantive statement, something we've not really seen before. In part:

.....I believe wholeheartedly in the sanctity, dignity and importance of the institution of marriage. I believe that has been consistently reflected in my actions. When I found out about my husband's infidelity I worked immediately to first seek reconciliation through forgiveness, and then to work diligently to repair our marriage. We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eyes and maintain my dignity, self-respect, and my basic sense of right and wrong. I therefore asked my husband to leave two weeks ago.......

I believe enduring love is primarily a commitment and an act of will, and for a marriage to be successful, that commitment must be reciprocal. I believe Mark has earned a chance to resurrect our marriage......

.......I remain willing to forgive Mark completely for his indiscretions and to welcome him back, in time, if he continues to work toward reconciliation with a true spirit of humility and repentance.

This is a very painful time for us and I would humbly request now that members of the media respect the privacy of my boys and me as we struggle together to continue on with our lives and as I seek the wisdom of Solomon, the strength and patience of Job and the grace of God in helping to heal my family.

A bit different from the usual, and she leaves the door open to reconciliation. I might dislike her husband's politics and actions, but I applaud her statement. Though, not to quibble, I'm not quite sure how a trip to Argentina is earning a chance to resurrect his marriage. Last year, the Spitzer affair caught me by surprise by how much it hurt. The Edwards affair was devastating. By now, I just roll my eyes. I suppose that's healing?

unfortunately

I've had a ton going on lately, but when I was in a somewhat boring meeting I was clicking around and saw the unfortunately meme, so decided to see what turned up. Nothing on which box - which means "unfortunately which box" was a goolenope, until just now. Someone has coined googlenope for phrases for which not a single google hit pops up. I think there's some website or contests to come up with new googlenopes - I heard a funny one the other day but have forgotten, if I find it I'll link it back here - oh someone sent it in an e-mail - they had read it someplace - "the only white guy in my golf class." Funny.

Anyway, so Unfortunately [Which Box's real name] yields a few good ones:

• Unfortunately, [Which Box's] ardent supporters began turning on her...
• Unfortunately, [Which Box] made things worse by showing up at the review board drunk and accusing the hospital administrator of having a vendetta against her.
• Unfortunately, [Which Box] is unaware that the last man she was with is entangled with the mob.
• Unfortunately, [Which Box's] in rehab, not for substance abuse, but for exhaustion. She's just plain tired.
• Unfortunately, [Which Box], your short questions require long answers.
• Unfortunately [Which Box] was told by the doctor that the chances of her conceiving were very slight and so they stopped trying only for [Which Box] to discover a few weeks later that she was pregnant.

Wow, through a very fuzzy lens it does kinda parallel my own life. (note: very, very fuzzy lens)

friends

This past weekend my undergrad college held its annual reunion weekend. I was part of a large, boisterous group of friends that spanned several classes. So even though it was not a reunion weekend for my particular class, many of my friends have just decided to make it an annual tradition to gather at the college this weekend.

I attended a very small womens college (small college, not women) that has since gone co-ed, as nearly every womens college has over the past thirty years. (is it women's or womens? probably best to say a college for women?).

As a backstory, I have lots of friends from all the different places I've lived, gone to school, worked, etc. As fits my Which Box persona, the groups are fairly separate, with my closests friends crossing several of the boxes. But many close friends staying put in their one category. Heck, I organize my section of the Christmas card list by category - it helps me find people when I need to change an address to know, in chronological order, my friends are listed by hometown, undergrad, grad school, long past job, long-time job, recent job, and current city friends (and then including my dad's family and my mom's family).

Over the years, I've lessened my involvement with my undergrad friends. It's a variety of reasons, really, that mostly have to do with our respective growths as individuals. Or not. One of the things about a very tight group of friends is the group-think that ocurrs. We were at this small, isolated college for women, with little to do, and a certain code of behavior emerged. Several of the more rebellious in the group, including me, took to calling us "the collective." It could be almost suffocating, that intensity of group think. You'd think a college for women would create a group of strong, confident, assertive women. And in some ways it did. But mostly, it did not. My friends are an odd mix of passive aggressive personalities, with a layer of martydom thrown in for good measure. Two of the women have children on the austism spectrum, and both are strong advocates for their children, and one has established an autism awareness non-profit. But, we had bad - abyssally bad - service at the restaurant we chose for our group dinner, and both these women didn't want to make a fuss or in any way insist that we be treated better. It makes me crazy. I'm the assertive one in the bunch, so even though I had nothing to do with planning the dinner, guess who dealt with the restaurant's management? (unsatisfactorily, but that's a completely separate story about jerk management).

Anyway, the point of all this was to say that it had been a while since I'd be involved much in the group. But it was nice to see everyone, to hang out with husbands I'd known as boyfriends back in the day, to see the kids. I've especially been laying low these past few years, with the pregnancies and job issues. So of the 9 women there, as we were catching up, 3 of them asked what I was doing now? And all three followed with, I hope you're staying home with that precious baby. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. We are graduates of this college for women. We were there in the 80s. The time of women having it all - job, husband, kids, the whole thing was suppose to be within our grasp. I've been probably the most career driven of all of them, and they tell me they hope I'm home with my baby????

Somehow, for now, I've achieved the holy grail of parenthood (according to a study a few years ago by Pew, reported here for example). It was arduous to get here, believe me, but now I have meaningful, reasonably well compensated part-time work. I'm proud of it. And I'm glad it's part-time. I'm happy for my friends who get to do what they want, whether it be full-time work, part-time work, or being a stay at home mom or any of the variables inbetween. But I don't project my preferences onto anyone else.

So I left the reunion loving my friends, but as expasperated by them as ever. I've gone from a central figure in the collective to being a peripheral member, which is probably just fine. A weekend day and evening was probably the perfect amount of time to spend. Do you go to reunions? High school, college, other? Do you enjoy them?

brother in law reappears

My husband tells me yesterday he got an e-mail from his brother, asking if we could get together. E-mail says don't blow me off, let's find a time, we can meet in the middle (they live 2 hours away).

My husband wrote him back and said July was crazy and we had a narrow window in June where we could make this happen.

I would like to write a catch-up post to lay out the rough outline of the inlaw saga to keep it all straight. But the little guy was up at 5:30 am and I am tired. Too tired to think about the stupid inlaws. And definitely too tired to search past posts and find the right links. In the in-law saga, my brother in law has been a bit of a puzzle. Let's see, if this all started in December 07, he was neutral or supportive for most of the first bit - actually until the final blowup (ok, one link) with the parents in law, just before Little Guy was born. But, as far as I know, there was no announcement he was mad at us. He and my hsuband had been in sporadic, yet semi-regular (ie, normal) contact leading up November. After the birth in November, BIL's wife sent us a card and present, and then sent us a Christmas package. We sent them a package. Which they did not return. My husband called their house on Christmas Day and BIL was in bed, but chatted just fine with his wife. But since then, nothing. As far as I know.

I konw I am beyond tired right now (and was yesterday, too). But I also know this contact from my BIL is contributing to a bad mood. I so hate dealing with them. I so wish they would go away. Popping up every once in a while is stressful. We'll see where this goes. My current strategy is just to live my life and not own any of their craziness. Do you have a good coping strategy for letting go of other's craziness? Of not letting it get to you?