Holy hell

So, yesterday my to do list included gathering, sorting, and organizing all our counselor receipts from all our counseling sessions last fall and into this spring.

Last year, after the loss, we saw a counselor who specialized in couples who had experienced a loss like ours. She of course did not accept insurance, and is therefore out of network. We saw her until July, and I had dutifully submitted all our claims. July. And then my husband in August got interested in his friend at work. One of the things I raged at him was that he had every resource at his disposal. We had been seeing a counselor, for christ sakes, and he could have so easily called her up and we could have started that again. Or maybe he had lied at every single damn counseling session we had, including the last when we concluded we were back on the right track and could cease counseling.

It was too crazy to organize our our various receipts until now. Starting in October, we saw the counselor jointly. He saw her individually. I saw another one, also out of network, by myself. We saw the two counselors jointly. He saw another, of freaking course out of network counselor, for a specific speciality.

I carefully laid out all the receipts, organized by month and counselor and person. Quite a stack. Suddenly, knowing I did not really want to know, I pulled over the calculator and started paging through, totalling them all together.

I hesitate to write the grand total. Even in this age of let it all out blogging, money is still the last taboo. You might write about your latest invasive medical procedure, but certainly not how much money you make or how much your house cost. Let's remember I live in a large urban area, counselors can charge quite a lot per hour, and we had a lot of counseling time. Holy hell indeed. Add this to the money that came directly out of our savings account to pay taxes due to my husband's stupid, stupid last place of employment, and let's just say we're well into the 5 figures. And it's no wonder my savings account is nearly empty, and we're looking at the emergency savings.

So, I'll file the claims today. We won't get back much, probably not even 20%. There are claims in each of our names, we have to meet a deductible, and it spans two calendar years. So the insurance company can weasel out of a lot of it.

I figured this all out right at the end of the day yesterday, and was semi-shell shocked when my husband got home. He's been working hard lately. It looked like he fixed the drain issue that was causing our flooding issues. He fixed the garbage disposal. He was planning, last night, to take out the moldy ceiling in the kitchen. The total was too much (and if anyone cares to guess I'll tell you in the comments) and was beating inside my head, desperate to be shared. I told him I had done the totaling and to guess. He guessed less than 1/3rd of the total. I laughed. He made it to 40%, 50%, 60%, 75%, with me mirthlessly haha-ing each time. I believe he knows how much he cost us, financially and otherwise. I believe it sickens him.

We never talk about IT, though. Never. He wants it behind, done, over, the past. IT still looms large for me, though. This past month has been extremely hard. Partially it's seasonal - there are things you do in summer you don't do other times of the year. So there is a lot of comparing this year to last. And betrayal takes a lot to overcome.

Thousands of dollars of counseling and it's not fixed. It'll never be fixed. It can be lessened, though, I think. But not by pretending it never happened or couldn't happen again.

One of my last counseling sessions did yield a breakthrough of sorts. I never blogged about it, though I meant to. I was talking about my husband's deep desire to pretend it never happened, to just move forward, and how I needed more than that. I needed him to know how much he hurt me, us, our daughter, our life. And he refused to acknowledge it. And my counselor made the connection with his mother. His mother blows up and then wants it all forgotten. None of the hurt she caused matters, it's in the past and gone. The apple does not fall far from the tree. I remember I came home from that counseling session, weepy and tired. And my husband sat with me and pulled it all out of me. And I remember his face when I talked about that piece - how much like his mother he was acting. He was profoundly shaken and upset. But it didn't change. There is no place for my anger and hurt to go. No venue for letting it air out and breathe. I need more counseling. We probably together need more counseling. But not again with out of network counselors. It's just not a luxury we can afford, though I think it's a necessity we can't do without. So added to my todo list is finding a counselor(s) who accept insurance.

oh, come on!

Did John Edwards really get chased into a stairwell by the Nat.ional En.quir.er after he was visiting his harridan mistress and love child at the Beverly Hilton? I can't bring myself to link to Drudge, or the Nat.ion.al En.quirer. Bleah. Here's Slate's take.

I like(d) John Edwards. I want(ed) Obama to pick him for VP. I believe(d) in John Edwards and his message. And I love how he and his wife seemingly picked up the pieces of their life after heartbreak and loss.

Really John Edwards? Really?

You're at the top of your game (well, not the top, but close). Your wife is fighting for her life. You have small children who need you and her. And a close to adult daughter who needs you. Please don't be true.

Sigh. How naive am I?

When it rains

The basement floods.

Math problem: if your rowhouse is 20 feet wide by 40 feet deep, and your basement floods to an average of about 2 inches deep, how much water did you vacuum, sweep, bucket, sponge, towel, and mop off the floor last night?

I don't know, my husband the math whiz could figure this out but converting inches deep to volume is not on my to-do list this morning. How many time did we empty the 12 gallon wet vac last night? 10? Probably more. 15? 20?

Last night was an extreme rain event - a lot in a short time. But the basement has been minor-ly flooding all summer during big storms. We know, we can see that there's something wrong with the gutter/drain system behind our house, and it's going to take a professional to figure it out.

Talk about stiff and sore - I'm loosening up but I definitely got a workout last night.

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Math problem #2: if, simultaneously, the ceiling of the kitchen is also leaking, which account should I transfer money from to cover? Associated logic problem: Can the same person cover both problems, or do we need a plumber and a ---- what? Carpenter?

The past few drought years are looking better and better in retrospect.

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Math problem #3: If you go to Lord & Taylor to pay off the remaining charges on your bill, finito, to zero, and it's beastly hot outside, so you wander, even though they have no maternity clothes and find a size 16 petite swing jacket that is very cute, priced 73.99, 50% off, plus 20% off coupon, how much use will you get out of it during and post pregnancy if you started pregnancy a size 12?

$30 for a quite nice, stylish jacket. If I get a job, it would be perfect for fall (and winter and spring). If I don't get a job, I could still get some wear out of it. If I lose baby weight quickly, it'll be no use in post-maternity. If, as likely, the baby weight comes off slowly, it'll be perfect for nursing and pumping and still looking professional and stylish. Hmmmm. I may have to go back, and if there's a 14 or possibly a 12 that fits it might be worth it. Oh, have I mentioned I've used up my "allowance" (my budget line item for myself) for July? Extra credit: Does that matter?

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Math problem #4: Your new Harris Teeter is offering TRIPLE coupons, Shout is on sale buy one get one free at 3.29, and you have a $.75 off coupon. How excited should you be?

I've lived in this city for 15 years and I have never, never seen triple coupons. I am absurdly excited. I spent yesterday afternoon going through coupons and plotting my shopping list. I even went to Harris Teeter yesterday and scoped out what else might be on sale that wasn't in the flyer. (In my defense, we were out of milk and HT even had organic milk on sale!) My entire Friday is planned around triple coupon day.

I need a job.

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Time for social studies: You exit your basement after midnight to find a giant firetruck in front of your house, shining spotlights on your house. What the hell? Firemen exit neighbor's house, you send husband down to talk to them, but fireman comes to door, explains we should be ok, given the construction of these rowhouses, but neighbor has lost part of her roof and her house in inundated with water. Great, husband exclaims, we just finished vacuuming out our basement, let's do the attic now. Fireman looks at us like we are lunatics, which by this point we are.

As we're closing up for the night, husband suddenly says, we should offer them our wet vac. He peers in front door and back, but they seem to have given up for the night, too. He notices they seem to have the same ceiling leak in kitchen that we have.

You live in gentrifying neighborhood. You are gentrifiers. Your neighbors are
pre-gentrification. Your other side neighbors are also gentrifiers, told you last year that they noticed in city's tax rolls that no-roof neighbors owe $12,000 in back taxes. No-roof neighbor neighbor maintains beautiful garden. Told you a few weeks ago, over the fence as you were both doing yard work, about how she grew up in the house, grew up there with her parents and seen all sorts of things in the neighborhood. How her parents and the former owners of your house jointly put in the porch awnings (which is probably what is causing the kitchen leaks, the way they're joined to the wall, so now maybe we should try to fix this problem jointly with them?).

How grateful should you be, as you go to sleep and wake up with aches and pains, that despite it all - no job, worries about money, old, historic house badly in need of repairs, how do we keep the nanny, should I buy sale designer jacket, are we going to do private school for child - you know you're still firmly entrenched on the have side of American society?

7 months

It's now been 7 months since the blow up with my inlaws. And still no contact, for which I am grateful.

We saw my husband's brother and his family a few weeks ago - met in the middle and went to a children's museum. The good news is my brother-in-law has switched from urging my husband to sweep it all under the rug to supporting my husband in his decision. My brother-in-law is on the wagon, and thinking more clearly these days, so I think we have that to thank. About 6 weeks ago, BIL was bugging husband to come up and visit. Finally my husband asked, you spend all your time at our parents (he does, it's creepy - even spends the night, with his wife and daughter, at his parents house on weekends sometimes). If we come up there, how would we not see the parents? BIL responded, oh, you and WhichBox can stay at our house, and we'll take your daughter and ours over to the parents so Mom can spend time with her. WTF. I hit the ceiling on that one - Mother-in-law has absolutely lost any chance she had of spending alone time with my daughter.

The latest, according to BIL, is that MIL says she has said her piece and that's all there is to it and it's up to my husband to make the next move. You might remember, her piece was to say nothing at all. My husband wrote her back saying we needed to get things in the open and resolve things.

BIL knows I am pregnant, that it's a boy, and that we'd prefer he not tell his parents. We'll see how long that lasts.

Two weeks ago I was out to dinner with friends who know the whole MIL saga. I said I just didn't see a way out of this dilemma. At least not a way out that didn't ask too much of me. One of my opinionated friends asked what did I mean? Well, husband has great aunts who are quite elderly and ill. He'd want to go, if/when something happens. And then the baby - once they find out they'll probably want to be involved somehow. Friend just exploded at me - MIL had forfeited her right to be in our lives, the best thing was to keep contact cut off, this was ridiculous, we needed to stand our ground or else she'd continue to pull this shit, we could absolutely not cave or give in........

The conversation was upsetting, for a lot of reasons. My friend is right, I don't disagree with her. I guess the thing is this isn't entirely my decision. If it was up to me, hell yeah, we'd never see any of them again. But what to do when big things (like his aunts' potentially, and inevitably someday, passing?) happen in his family? My husband and I have had such a hard time, and we work hard to spend time together and be supportive of each other. So there's a funeral, and I refuse to go? And keep daughter home with me? Seriously, what's the right thing to do in that circumstance? (I like these great aunts, and hope they stick around a long time, but if it's going to happen is it bad I'm hoping for an October/November/December timeframe so I physically can't go??).

And, the crazy thing is how much husband's family puts up with this crazy behavior. Does my father-in-law miss his eldest son? Apparently not more than he longs for peace at home. My FIL is not bad, he's a victim, too. But he puts up with it.

I know family estrangements. My dad and his brother haven't spoken for years. Not many, about 5, but always had a strained relationship. My uncle is in bad shape, and while his crazy family is entirely unreliable, this may be the end for him. I honestly don't know if my dad would want to go to the funeral. Or if he would go, even if he didn't want to. My mom's siblings have had some degree of estrangement for the past 30 years, and while they are cordial and talk occasionally, exchange holiday cards and calls if there's big news, it's really nothing more than polite. Estrangements are hard on the family, especially on children.

My MIL is bad. Is she cut you out of our lives completely bad? Yes, my friends scream. Yes! Our counselors this past winter/spring said yes. I think it's not that clear cut. And not forever. But I do not see a way out, a solution, a path forward.

Whip It Up - Week 3 - saucy pudding cake

The recipe challenge continues. I made a dessert on Sunday night from a recipe ripped out of Southern Living. I'd had it clipped for years, because it was a take off of a recipe I love - Brownie Pudding. I have a 1960's era Better Homes and Gardens New Cookbook, originally published in 1953. They've since revised a number of times, most recently last year, but my mom learned to cook with this version and when I moved out, she found another one at a yardsale for me. Some of the recipes crack me up - prune whip, lots of spam, canned products. But there are still classics. The revised version changed the sugar cookie recipe, which my mom has used for decades. Heresy! Anyway, on page 190, there's a recipe for a quite delicious brownie pudding. You make this batter that's sort of like a cake batter, then top it with a mixture of brown sugar and cocoa, then pour on boiling water. Pop it in the oven, and as it cooks, the layers separate into a yummy chocolate pudding topped by a decent cake. Love. I've seen the recipe tons of other places over the years - it's relatively lowfat because it uses cocoa - but almost never credited to Better Homes and Gardens. Here's an exact duplicate of the BHG recipe. Note the serving size listed is for 4, which is ridiculous - serves more like 6-8, or even more. Anyway, make this recipe - it's easy, tasty (have ice cream on hand), and relatively not terrible for you. I've only had one person not like it in years of making it for potlucks - she wasn't a fan of cocoa for the chocolate, felt it wasn't rich enough.

So, over the past years, I've clipped out other recipes for pudding cakes, but never tried another version. Sunday night was the night. From Southern Living, July 1998. Yes, 1998. My files know no age.

Saucy Pudding Cake
1 1/4 cups firmly packed light brown sugar, divided
1/2 cup sugar
2 Tablespoons butter/margarine, softened
1 large egg
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 cup water
3/4 cup uncooked quick-cooking oats
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
1 1/2 cups boiling water

Beat 1/4 cup brown sugar and next 3 ingredients at medium speed with an electric mixer until blended. Stir together flour and next 5 ingredients. Add to sugar mixture alternately with 1/2 cup water, beginning and ending with flour mixture. Beat at low speed until blended after each addition. Stir in oats, raisins, and walnuts. Spoon into a lightly greased 8-inch square pan, and sprinkle with remaining 1 cup brown sugar. Pour 1 1/2 cups boiling water over top. Do not stir. Bake at 350 for 40 to 45 minutes. Serve warm with vanilla ice cream or whipped cream. 6 to 8 servings.

Was the recipe easy to follow?
Super easy and fast.

Did it taste good?
It did, though not great. It made the pudding, and maybe the biggest problem was no ice cream to eat with it. But there's something a little off about the flavor. The pudding is a little, I don't know. Off somehow (remember, pregnant - texture is a Big Deal). I think it'd make a good fall dessert - maybe add chopped apples? - with the spices. The oatmeal maybe isn't great? But I think something is needed for body.

Kid friendly?
Yes - she also enjoyed helping make it. Easy.

Would I make it again?
Not as good as the brownie version, that's for sure, but given how easy and relatively tasty, a keeper. Now I just have to find the other version I clipped years ago and give that a go, too.

Here's the wrap up from last week, week 2. There were some yummy things tried.

gone missing

My sister was visiting last week and I took some time away from my computer. Which, sadly enough, did not distract me from the fact that the two interviews I had the week previously had said they were fast tracking and I'd hear something last week. Which I did not. I know, I've been on the hiring side often enough to know that you always say we're moving quickly and will decide next week and you never do. It's always two weeks or longer. Always. Except when it's not and you don't get the job.

I walked into this with more than a handful of solid, solid possibilities. I really thought something would work out. But after working through these, I've got nothing. Nothing else has materialized. And it scares me.

I'm a squirrel when it comes to money, and I've managed to build us up a solid emergency fund.
It would take us through birth and a maternity leave while still keeping the nanny. But to work through that emergency fund will be stressful. I need the security of knowing there's this pocket of money just in case.

My newest plan is to pimp out the nanny. Find ways to share her with neighbors or friends. I've got some possibilities - she already watches one of the neighbor's kids for about 10 hours per week, which has helped over the past 6 months or so. But to really help we need to share her with someone for a good 20-30 hours/week. Nanny pimp, that's my new career.

Plan C is up to my husband. We're going to have to sell back some of his shares of his old company. We're just going to have to. Somehow that topic has not come up again.

I've got nothing else this morning. Or afternoon. It's 1 pm and I've done nothing today, despite a long to-do list that could keep me busy until November.

What's on your to-do list today?

Whip it Up - Week 2

Well, a bit of a miss tonight. I'm just going to link to the recipe this time.

Creamy Gorgonzola Polenta with Summer Squash Saute

From Eating Well magazine. It has a small number of reviews and 3.5 stars (out of 4? dunno), but just didn't do it for me. One of the comments mentioned it wasn't solid enough right away. It was weird - the polenta was fine, exactly like it should be. Added the gorgonzola, took it off heat, stirred it a bit, all seemed fine, and went and played with my daughter for a few minutes as the rest of dinner cooked (meat eater husband and daughter were also having pork chops.) And came back after 5 minutes or so to find it totally liquid-y. It tasted ok, but nothing great. And now, as it continues to sit on the stove cooling, it's just getting more and more liquidy, which is seriously creeping me out. Bleah.

Here it is on my plate, not showing up well since I used white corn meal and plate is white:
And here it is in the pots on the stove. I wish I could convey how liquidy it is - there is absolutely no body left in it whatsoever. And folks, I make cheese grits quite frequently. And they are delicious. And this was not.


Was the recipe easy to follow?
Yes, and much quicker than the 40 minutes listed.

Did it taste good?
Well, yeah, it did. I like gorgonzola. I mean the flavor was good. The texture was bleah.

Kid friendly?
HA. That's a hell no.

Would I make it again?
Probably not. Seriously squidged out by liquid polenta.

So what the hell happened?