he brought it up

Last night we finally talked. Yesterday morning he had said he slept poorly the night before, mind racing with too many things. Work things, looking for new job things, knowing we needed to talk things.

After dinner we were sitting on the couch while our daughter played and he sighed deeply. I asked what was wrong and he said he just knew we needed to talk, that he was scared to hear how much I hated him, how I no longer wanted to be married to him, how badly he had messed up.

In a lot of ways it's the same conversation over and over. I don't know how to move forward. I'm still stuck in grief. And why grief? Why not rage, or disappointment, or anger? I don't even know what the grief is about. Betrayal? Abandonment? The loss of what I thought I had? Grief over his ability to hurt me so deeply? Is it sadness and shock over the hurtful things he said? Grief that I married and had a child with someone who could act so dishonorably? Grief over a past that appears to be false, a present that hurts, and a future that seems to hold no promise?

We talked about various things that were said. I guess the thing is, they rang true to me, even at the time when I was denying them. It sounded true when he said at every point in our relationship, he deep down thought he could do better. That sounds truthful. Mean, and hateful, but truthful. Nights that he went out on dates and told me he was out with a friend because he had worked hard and "deserved" a break. Given his actions, him saying now that it didn't feel right at the time doesn't ring true. Because if it didn't feel right at the time, why didn't he stop it?

But there's no undoing it. What's done is done. It's what you do with it now that matters. I just regret so much that he came back begrudgingly, and then when he was happy to be back, couldn't tell me. He just pushed it all past the point where it would be easier to accept. After Thanksgiving, I really started to think, ok, this is it. It's really over, and here's how I can make this work. And he said after Thanksgiving, he started to think what the hell was he doing and how could he get his marriage back on track. And it was "only" a week and half after Thanksgiving that we had our breakthrough and he decided he needed to stay and work on things. A week and half is a long time. A few years from now, it'll be a blip, but right now it's still a long 10 days when I started to decide it was time for me to move on, too.

I told him I thought he possibly wasn't capable of meeting my emotional needs. He said he had trouble expressing himself, but that he was there emotionally. I just don't know if that's really true.

So mid way through he says, he needs to stop being so afraid. Afraid of what, I ask. He says he knows how important it is to me to have a second child and he'll do whatever it takes. He says he thinks the problem isn't with me, it's with him, and he saw a test in the drugstore to test sperm, but it was $100. I say, tentatively, that our insurance would be $10 for a more accurate test. He says ok, that's a no brainer, he'll call his doctor - the one who did his varicoceles.

I say you know I saw a fertility doctor in January. He says no, you had a check up, and I say no. He says ok, he'll go. He'll go this week, maybe he could get in by Friday, there's no need to check me as it's probably all him.

I hand him the card. I say do you really think our fragile relationship can survive a baby? He says he's in this forever, and nothing will ever change that.

I don't know.

There's no resolution to our talk. He answered a lot of my questions about his affair, and it helped to know to scope and extent. I am fairly certain he's being truthful, as he has done reading and knows being truthful is the most important way to build trust. He's actively pursuing, and is excited by, new job opportunities.

He says he went through a time of thinking I wouldn't change, and I stuck with him, and now I'm thinking he won't change and he's staying put.

I guess this is what it's all about. Day by day, one foot in front of the other, step by step.

Tonight we'll go to Whole Foods for our annual get yummy food night. We skip the restaurant scene on Valentine's Day. I need to get him a card, I guess, something semi-neutral but positive.

Amalah shared her happy news today is a really touching way.