Monday, January 28, 2008

making plans

I cannot believe how long I let go between posts now. There were more than a handful of things I wanted to type out last week, and a few key things did happen that I want to relate. It seems that now that majorly dramatic events aren't happening on a daily basis, it's harder for me to focus in on typing. I'd like to type more reflective, thoughtful things, too, but have not had the focus to really concentrate. A fair amount happened last week, yet I want to avoid a super long post typing it all out.

Today I want to focus on the visit to the fertility doctor. Tonight I'd like to type in some of the big relationship things that happened last week. Last week there was a confluence of posts among blogs I read that really made me think, and I want to get my thoughts in before I forget them. And then there's more poetry, photos of the house repairs, and of course the weight. A lot of stuff to type. A whole week's worth - not to mention that tomorrow my husband and I have a joint session with BOTH our counselors. So my pledge is a post a day, if not more.

It's harder to post because my husband and I are spending so much time together. Which is a good thing, but leaves little computer time. We watch TV together, work on the house together, go to bed at the same time - great for our relationship, for right now, but not great for alone time. We'll see how that goes.

Anyway, the fertility guy. Not fun. They are a pretty aggressive practice who fairly quickly move to IVF. After relating my history, the doctor said, ok, if you're menstruating every 27-28 days, with 5 days of flow, you're ovulating. He didn't address my concerns about lack of cervical mucous at all, and I wish I had pressed that. He said the only thing working against you is age, and within the year you're probably looking at donor eggs.

So yeah, the clock is ticking. I don't particularly like being pregnant. Let's face it, it's uncomfortable, a little bit gross, awkward, and really disruptive to your normal life. And, I'm going to admit it, genetics matter to me. It matters to me that my daughter looks like me, and twirls her hair like I do, and thinks like me. It matters. Before anyone freaks out on me, hold on! I could/would certainly love a non-biological child - I'm not saying that I wouldn't. I am saying if I'm going to be pregnant, it's going to be with my eggs and my husband's sperm. My desire isn't for "a baby" it's for my baby - a full-blood sibling to my daughter. If that's not going to happen, adoption of an older, harder-to-place child would be the path I'd take for more children. So, for now, for what I want right now (which could change), TICK, TICK, TICK.

He outlined 4 steps - 4 pieces of info - in the next month.

1. Testing my husband. Ugh. I said right now, not an option. I explained the loss we suffered a year ago was still very fresh, and my husband was willing to get pregnant, but not willing to do anything outside of sex. He wasn't thrilled with that answer - said after all, nothing had really happened to my husband (thank you!), I was the one who had physically experienced everything. And that time was a factor. And that the male is 50% of the equation, and without that he couldn't give me a full answer. This was not great for my mental state, but I knew all this. It's just not something I'm willing to bring up right now.

2. Sonogram - assess the uterus and ovaries - checking for fibroids, cysts, polyps, assess the follicles.

3. Examine fallopian tubes - the hysterosalpingogram (HSG), an xray test where dye is injected in the uterus and progress of the dye followed through the fallopian tubes to make sure they aren't blocked. Done between day 6 and 11 of the cycle.

4. Day 3 hormones - FSH, LH, Estradiol.

Huh, wait, I'm going through the materials I was given and there's actually a fifth thing, another blood draw by a lab, and I guess that one is antisperm antibody test as well as a whole host of other things - lipids, hepatitis, and a few other things I have no idea about.

And then, after all that info is in, a consult to develop the plan. As I said, this seems to be a fairly aggressive practice, focused on getting a baby. That's a good thing. Not as great for me, who right now is focused on just learning more. Focus on having another baby may come, but given the rest of my life, isn't where I am. So it was emotionally hard to be there. I don't think they deal with many people who aren't full on here's my credit card when can we implant fertilized eggs ready to go types.

I was there on day 7 of my cycle. But given the weekend, I missed the chance for the HSG, so that'll be another month, and can be the last thing I do from the list. I'm glad I went and know what would come next. And my insurance covers everything in this stage, so I can do my 4 things without any financial penalty, and minimal physical commitment.

And this is where we bump into the relationship. I don't stand on my own all that well. I can, and do, but when it comes right down to it, I'm more interested in sharing my life with my partner. So hiding all this, not talking about it, would be hard for me. I guess "will" be hard for me. Other than the HSG, though, none of it is particularly complicated, so I will go through with it. I gave the practice my cell number only, the insurance is in my name, so I can do all this and no one need ever be the wiser. And then we'll see what happens.

The other night my husband said he would do anything I wanted him to do to save our marriage. And I just thought, really? Will you?


Leah said...

If I read your post right, it seems as if you aren't telling your husband. If that's true I think you should be totally honest and up front with him. At some point it will come out and he could think you are keeping things from him. If you want him to be open and honest with you, you have to do the same. Why wouldn't you tell him? That he may say no, that might be true but he should be involved in what you are doing. Is it fair because of all the stuff he did? Absolutely not.

L said...

Absolutely do not go any further before your husband gets his sperm count tested. According to my RE, if there's something wrong, 1/3 of the time the "problem" is with the woman, 1/3 of the time it's with the man, and 1/3 of the time it's with both. Why go through painful tests, drugs, etc. if the problem lies with your husband?
I agree with Leah that it would be much better for your marriage if you were both to be 100% aboveboard.

Which Box said...

Hmm. I maybe should have tied this more closely to my other post.

See my post from January 10:
for more info about what I think I'm doing and why, especially in the comments.

Bottom line, is knowing IF there's something wrong better than not knowing. I'm not making any fertility plans right now. Seeking information about what is going on in my body is an absolute right I have for myself.

Leah said...

Okay I reread Jan 10th and all comments. Where you say that you don't want to share the heartache with him.. In my opinion the only way you will heal is WHEN you share your heartache with him. I think knowing something is wrong is better than not knowing, however I still think your husband should be kept in the loop with everything. I am sure you would be angry if he kept something like this from you. My opinion only of course.

Lisse said...

In my utterly unprofessional opinion, husband's affair was a reaction to the infertility problems. It was an extremely immature way to react, but in some ways the ultimate escape from how he was really feeling about all of it.

I disagree with the Dr. While nothing happened to husband physically, the loss happened to both of you. The fact that husband seems to be just now dealing with it is one clue.

Recognizing that, though, I really think you ought to talk to him about what you are doing/thinking. Don't repeat the "keeping secrets" pattern, it will just lead to further distrust and distance. Your role as parents, whether it be of one or more, is a critical part of your relationship. It seems to me that your wanting a second child is a key factor of your marriage going forward. Whether it happens or not, the success or failure of those efforts will be a huge part of who you are as a couple. He has to be on board with this, and if he's not, that too is an answer.

Slightly OT, I have not done the fertility thing, but I have done the adoption thing. If you ever get to that point, come talk to me.