Sunday, November 11, 2007

weekly update

OK, so as usual too much going on. This daily posting thing is good, in the sense of discipline and forcing me to get it all out, but also a bit exhausting. I'm exhausted, and don't know where to go with a post today.

So, I thought Sundays I could do a weekly update, just to take stock. Things are happening so fast in my life, that maybe having a weekly record will help sort things out.

Let's build up to the big thing. Heck, these are all big things. I have TOO much going on in my life right now. Too much. Too much to bear, too much for any one person to shoulder. I was looking over the blog today, though, and noticed in my tags all I'm writing about is marriage. That's the crisis, I suppose.

My Dad - had triple bypass surgery a while ago. My god, I don't even remember when. I had to look it up. Two and a half weeks ago. He's doing ok, able to get up the stairs and take a shower daily now, so has made a lot of progress. I'm still trying to figure out if/how I can get there for Thanksgiving.

My job. Still hate my current job, and haven't even written about that. Hate with a passion, and doing a crappy job of it, too. I have an assistant (not a personal assistant, a junior staffer) and he's really stepped up and is covering a lot. I'm applying for FLMA, and just taking tons of time off for various counselor and doctor appointments.

Job offer. Still sitting on the job offer. Supposed to let them know Tuesday. Vacillating between two poles. A fool to take it, a fool not to. Slightly leaning toward taking it, but really not sure. Maybe tomorrow I'll write more about this, try to process it a bit more. None of my other interviews panned out in productive, immediate ways. The low-energy people are indecisive. The guy I sort of forced myself on wants to hire, but needs to go through a whole process. So this offer is good. And a big job. Interesting, probably very fulfilling. Maybe too demanding, given everything else going on in my life, and my desire (even before all the shot hit the fan) to spend more time to with my daughter.

Marriage. Ugh. We talked again today. He confirmed, as I knew, that I was putting too much pressure on him. He needs space, and I cannot give it to him. I want to talk, and work on things, and spend time together, and so on and so on and so on and it's making him crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming myself. Just acknowledging that if I want to try to improve things, I'm not. I'm going to try to let go, and wait until our joint counseling session Tuesday morning to put things on the table. First, I'm cheap, and it frustrates me to think of him wasting money on renting a place. (of course, to him it's not a waste). I need to talk about Thanksgiving, establishing boundaries, laying out a process. I should write it all out, to be prepared for Tuesday. After we talked today I left the house and ran errands, leaving him with our daughter. It was a good move. I came home to a more civil, pleasant guy. I suggested he do some painting tonight (I've not even typed about our work on our house, let's just say SIGNIFICANT) and he thought that was a good idea.

In general, for completely unknown reasons, I've been in a fairly good mood today. Even typing now, I don't feel the sadness and crushing grief and panic I've been feeling. I don't know why that is. Parts of our conversation were hurtful. Am I in denial? Right now I just feel matter of fact.

I am strong. I will survive. I will get through this all. I know that. I wish, I hope, I pray, it all works out for the best.


niobe said...

You will get through this. It's just such a long, slow, painful process.

Am I doing okay? said...

I really liked this post. It helped connect the dots for me. Thanks for sharing. Can I add you to my blogroll? I don't know the etiquette. I linked to one of your posts once - didn't ask. Is that bad form?

meg said...

I know you're going to get through this too. But you do have an awful lot of stuff...all at the same time, and that's what is so hard.

I am praying that it all works out for the best too.