Thursday, November 6, 2008

missed it!

Darn it - my last post was my 200th. And about my idiot in-laws. Oh well, so much for profound thought on the milestone.

I'm over it, I really am. Their stupidity, their choices. The only ones losing here are them. My life is actually a lot nicer without having to deal with them. But. My husband. Yeah, it's a little harder when it's your parents rejecting you. Especially when it's your dad, and you thought you had a good relationship with your dad and only your mom was crazy. Let's just say my husband was not in the best mood yesterday. I think rejection from your father, as you yourself are about to have a son, is a hard juxtaposition.

I listened to the message last night. It was mean, and hateful. How dare we put them through a 'bizarre interrogation' about how they treat our daughter? He said, it was demeaning and insulting. He said they knew everyone else knew about the baby except for them and that was embarrassing and humiliating. He concluded, enjoy your 'family' and your 'life' - we won't be in it. (imagine the most sarcastic tone possible with air quotes)

I said to my husband last night - I really think you should make an appointment with your former counselor, despite her not taking insurance. We'll get reimbursed for a part of it, and one visit pre-baby I think will be very important. Without a pause he said he'd call her today. I haven't heard if he has, but I really hope so.

The thing is - yes, they've hurt my husband. But this doesn't hurt me (actually quite the opposite) and it sure doesn't hurt our daughter. I think maybe we don't have to respond. Maybe we should - to document our version of the events. But it doesn't really matter, one way or another. They really have shown their true colors. And they aren't pretty.


Dora said...

You sound so much more at peace with this now. I'm really glad for you.

CLC said...

Where did they lose their marbles? It's such bizarre behavior!

Tash said...

Jeebus Hell, I'm sorry I've missed this whole saga (I'm sorry NaBlahwhateverjamupmyreader started this week of all weeks). I'm surprised, and yet, utterly not.

This is going to sound pretty harsh, but I actually sometimes *wish* my IL's would just come out and say this: "We're gone, so long, have a nice life." Because we're at that horrible sticky point where we see them every 4 months or so now (they live fucking 45 minutes away, and were a large part of why we moved here), and no one talks about what happened. We don't discuss why we don't see each other more often, or why we don't leave our daughter with them. It drives me batty.

What we've done in our circumstance is just massively lower expectations. They are no longer "parents" per se; they are people, acquaintances, whom our daughter likes, but whom we cannot count on for any type of emotional support or consistency. Ergo, we are not outright inviting them to anything over the next three months, be it a holiday or memorial service (in Dec.). We will simply leave windows of opportunity to drop by if they're available, and won't tell Bella, and won't get our hopes up. And that is how we will undoubtedly live our lives together -- knowing that they have completely failed us.

I'm so sorry for your husband. I really am. I feel so much for mine as well, and know it has to hurt when my family comes through with flying colors while his are acting like utter jackasses. Thinking of you all. (And sorry to hog the comemnts with a novel.)

Antigone said...

Tash states it well. I vote for the lowering of expectations.

I'm at a really strange point right now regarding in-laws. I've been thinking about whether and how to leave a door open for them to know their grandson.

But expectations...I tend to get my hopes up only to have them dashed against the rocks. Repeatedly.

k@lakly said...

I wish your H could have a sit down with mine, they would not run outof things to say about abandonment, dashed expectations and lost dreams for a relationship they will always long for.
I remember someone telling me before our first shild was born that my husband would have a much harder time dealing with his assh*le parents when my H had his own child b/c then he would really see how he was being treated (or illtreated as it were) by his parents. And, damn if that wasn't the case.
Thinking of you.

Julie said...

Tash is right-on. I've gotten used to the fact that parents and in-laws are emotionally disabled, and none of us can count on them to give us the things we really need/ed.
We're moving to a sunnier state, and my mother, so bitter, wished skin cancer on all of us the other day...