Friday, February 29, 2008

holding off

I've been delaying posting for the past few days. It's fun to do memes and feel like a part of the blogosphere and have illicit thoughts about people I've never met. And in clicking around, checking out other people's meme posts, laughing at funny stories, I've felt like the mood is lighter, somehow, in my little corner of the world.

I had dinner with a group of close friends last week and ended up pouring out a lot of what's been going on. They knew about my marriage and the loss, they had hints of the current infertility struggles. They heard more. They knew I had changed jobs, and heard how every day I learn more about how hard this job is going to be, and how I'm having trouble with two staff who came along with the position. They knew I wasn't sure what to do about preschool for my 2 year old, and heard about our touring schools, impossible waiting lists, and current troubles with our nanny that might force us to make difficult decisions.

(I can't blog about our nanny - she's amazingly wonderful, our daughter loves her dearly, she's entrusted with the most precious thing in my life - and due to circumstances beyond her or our control including world and US political climates, we might have some tough choices, and that's all I am willing to type because it's a discussion I'm unwilling to have with the blogosphere. Not to be too mysterious or anything. But thank god I have no worries, not a whit of a worry, that my daughter's care is not good.)

Way back - way, way back - I posted that I had recently made a list of things going well and things that were crappy. The crap outnumbered the good 19-4. And that was before discovering my husband's infidelity and my dad's need for triple bypass.

It's too much. It's all too much. I was at my counselor yesterday and she summed it up, as had my friends - with everything that had happened, I'm still standing. And even taking on new challenges. And finding some time for myself, and spending time with friends. But it's too much. It's why I'm not blogging about my weight - I'm stuck, not losing, luckily not gaining, just stuck. And I've not got a spare brain cell to spare to focus on losing weight right now. I just don't.

Throughout the fall, the place where I just gave up was my job. I took FLMA for my counseling appointments, and when I was in the office I spent a lot of time blogging, or reading blogs, or crying, or just surfing the net. Not much time getting actual work done. But, as my new job ramps up, I'm losing that time. Working from home is great, and I still have downtime during the day, but every day I get closer to realizing how all encompassing this job could - and maybe should - be, and I feel the stress.

I have held off making the consult appointment with the RE. I think in some ways I don't want to know. Knowing means actions typically follow. I think my readers have been incredibly generous in not pointing out the obvious that having a child would throw huge grenade in the middle of this marriage. I hope you know I get that. Very much so. I also think most of my readers also quite personally get the time waits for no man dilemma I face. At 39, I don't have the luxury of time.

I just called and made the appointment. Of course the doctor is incredibly booked and then going away for a week. Appointment on the 17th, which would be about day 3 of the next cycle. Today is day 15, and we faithfully hit the targets of day 13 and 14. Who knows, maybe I can cancel the 17th, maybe this month naturally worked.

Ha. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha........................


Antigone said...

Thirty minutes. That's it. That's the amount of time today I didn't feel hopeless. It was when I had to put out a fire at work. Unfortunately for me, my job is rarely challenging and never fulfilling or meaningful.

I envy you for not having a brain cell to spare right now. I've got too many idle ones making mischief with depression.

CLC said...

I envy you too. Luckily blogger is blocked at my work, or I would not do anything. I just leave papers on my desk to make it look like I am doing something and pretend to read. I really spent all week shopping for a new car.