Sunday, February 3, 2008

trust?

I'm having a hard time in my relationship these days. I just really really don't know what I want to happen. I remember how awful it was when he was leaving, and I don't want to be there again. On the other hand, I can't take this anymore.

We had a joint session last week. The theme, I guess, ended up being trust. The best way to put it is that I think I would be an idiot to 100% fully trust him ever again. I have to remember what he's capable of and be careful not to rely on him too much. And that's not entirely conducive to a fully functioning marriage, now is it?

And he says he wants, more than anything, to have a happy healthy marriage with me. How is that ever going to be possible? What do I have to do to make that a possibility? What does he have to do? Living with this pain, these mental pictures in my mind, the speculation I still have over what really happened....that's too much. And if that's too much, how can I do more?

I have no answers right now. I do have a huge work project next week, so maybe staying focused on that will help. I just don't know.

5 comments:

meg said...

I think it's just gonna take time. Lots of counseling. Lots of talking to each other. Lots of time spent together.

I sure hope you get there...just be patient with yourself. He is trying, and I think that's huge.

clickmom said...

I wish there was an answer Icould give you, but there isn't. Just know that someone out there heard you and feels for you and hopes that you will find your place of peace.

Tash said...

I'm so sorry. You know, someone wrote a piece on "trust" -- might've been CharmedGirl? Anyway, point being that the word, the idea, is a bit grandiose and even euphemistic of other stuff. I guess what I'm tryiing to say is, maybe the point isn't "trust" at all? The point is what can you live with? Can you live with what you do know and don't? Are you able to move through it or not? (no judgment as to your answers, I'm just saying maybe you should put "trust" out of it for a little bit and see what bubbles up. It might be more instructive.)

Or not. What do I know. I'm just really sorry you need to be dealing with this crap.

Am I doing okay? said...

Hi. Waiting for an update. Hoping your work project is going well. Struggling with how to balance work/kids/marriage - and I thought it would get easier when they were in school. Ha!

The Scarlet D said...

I really understand where you're coming from. I remember being in the exact same place, struggling with wanting to know the details, yet not really wanting to know at the same time. (They say it's best not to know - it doesn't help.) I guess you just have to decide if you believe that he is sincere in his efforts at this point - if he is giving it his all, and if so, then are you able to let the past be the past, and try and move forward. I've learned that the whole "forgive and forget" thing is kind of a myth, because it's really a process - just work on forgiveness first, and the forgetting may take awhile. But trust, now that has to be earned over time, and he needs to understand that and be patient. You don't have to just hand over your heart 100% right now until he's earned it back, and that's o.k. Don't feel guilty about that. Just take it one day at a time. Don't try and figure it all out at once. I have a new saying I just posted on Niobe's: It is what it is. You can't change the past or predict the future. Just deal with today as it is.