Tuesday, February 19, 2008

project infertility

OK, well, generally when my husband and I put our minds to something, we get it done. He made an appointment to "make his deposit" last Friday. The last time he went through this, he had very funny stories of the facility - the doctor gave him a cup, and sent him out to the bathroom in the hall, where he was supposed to, um, perform in a toilet stall. On one of his visits someone else came into the bathroom right at a critical time, disrupting the entire process. With this doctor, there's a big recliner (where you first put down a plastic sheet), videos, magazines - in sum, a different type experience.

My cycle started on Friday (29 days, thus throwing off my oh no! my cycle is decreasing by a day a month! 2-month trend), so on Sunday, day 3, I went in for day 3 hormone blood draw. I have crap veins - just absolutely terrible. Every time I get blood drawn it turns into a discussion of how bad my veins are and various theories of why that is and various attempts to locate a vein that might even work. Usually a competent, experienced nurse can get a vein on the first stab, but there have been times I've been stabbed more than three times just for a simple vial (no more practicing on me for the trainer nurses, nope). Theory this time - I have thick skin and deep veins that move around a lot.

I wanted to say no, actually I have very thin skin and what's there has been flayed quite a bit this last year, but I decided that wasn't appropriate at 8 am on a Sunday morning.

Tomorrow is the sonogram/examination, and Monday is the HSG. So tell me, you who have been through this before, how bad is the HSG? I'm really dreading it. My cervix does not like to be opened. Not one bit.

On the one hand, I'm glad to be getting some answers. And then on the other hand, there's this whole past year+ of grief, pain, and tragedy. Like many of you have written, I'm waiting for more. I'm the dog that's been kicked too many times, cringing at the slightest thing. When does it get really bad again? What happens next in the never ending spiral of doom?

On the plus side, today I had lunch with a former co-worker. Let's see, I left about 6 weeks ago. Three weeks ago, they found out that the largest project had most of its funding pulled. People are depressed and scared for their jobs. I asked my friend if people were saying boy, that Which Box really left us in a bad place, she should have wrapped up this, and that, and generally everything is bad because she was such a loser, thank god she's gone. And my friend said no. Turns out I left at just the perfect time - just before the crash. I get to be part of the good old days - the one who looks like a genius for jumping ship before it all went bad.

At least in one area I had a little foresight and did the smart thing. I don't know what it is today - just can't shake this what's waiting for me around the corner feeling.

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