Thursday, February 14, 2008

he brought it up

Last night we finally talked. Yesterday morning he had said he slept poorly the night before, mind racing with too many things. Work things, looking for new job things, knowing we needed to talk things.

After dinner we were sitting on the couch while our daughter played and he sighed deeply. I asked what was wrong and he said he just knew we needed to talk, that he was scared to hear how much I hated him, how I no longer wanted to be married to him, how badly he had messed up.

In a lot of ways it's the same conversation over and over. I don't know how to move forward. I'm still stuck in grief. And why grief? Why not rage, or disappointment, or anger? I don't even know what the grief is about. Betrayal? Abandonment? The loss of what I thought I had? Grief over his ability to hurt me so deeply? Is it sadness and shock over the hurtful things he said? Grief that I married and had a child with someone who could act so dishonorably? Grief over a past that appears to be false, a present that hurts, and a future that seems to hold no promise?

We talked about various things that were said. I guess the thing is, they rang true to me, even at the time when I was denying them. It sounded true when he said at every point in our relationship, he deep down thought he could do better. That sounds truthful. Mean, and hateful, but truthful. Nights that he went out on dates and told me he was out with a friend because he had worked hard and "deserved" a break. Given his actions, him saying now that it didn't feel right at the time doesn't ring true. Because if it didn't feel right at the time, why didn't he stop it?

But there's no undoing it. What's done is done. It's what you do with it now that matters. I just regret so much that he came back begrudgingly, and then when he was happy to be back, couldn't tell me. He just pushed it all past the point where it would be easier to accept. After Thanksgiving, I really started to think, ok, this is it. It's really over, and here's how I can make this work. And he said after Thanksgiving, he started to think what the hell was he doing and how could he get his marriage back on track. And it was "only" a week and half after Thanksgiving that we had our breakthrough and he decided he needed to stay and work on things. A week and half is a long time. A few years from now, it'll be a blip, but right now it's still a long 10 days when I started to decide it was time for me to move on, too.

I told him I thought he possibly wasn't capable of meeting my emotional needs. He said he had trouble expressing himself, but that he was there emotionally. I just don't know if that's really true.

So mid way through he says, he needs to stop being so afraid. Afraid of what, I ask. He says he knows how important it is to me to have a second child and he'll do whatever it takes. He says he thinks the problem isn't with me, it's with him, and he saw a test in the drugstore to test sperm, but it was $100. I say, tentatively, that our insurance would be $10 for a more accurate test. He says ok, that's a no brainer, he'll call his doctor - the one who did his varicoceles.

I say you know I saw a fertility doctor in January. He says no, you had a check up, and I say no. He says ok, he'll go. He'll go this week, maybe he could get in by Friday, there's no need to check me as it's probably all him.

I hand him the card. I say do you really think our fragile relationship can survive a baby? He says he's in this forever, and nothing will ever change that.

I don't know.

There's no resolution to our talk. He answered a lot of my questions about his affair, and it helped to know to scope and extent. I am fairly certain he's being truthful, as he has done reading and knows being truthful is the most important way to build trust. He's actively pursuing, and is excited by, new job opportunities.

He says he went through a time of thinking I wouldn't change, and I stuck with him, and now I'm thinking he won't change and he's staying put.

I guess this is what it's all about. Day by day, one foot in front of the other, step by step.

Tonight we'll go to Whole Foods for our annual get yummy food night. We skip the restaurant scene on Valentine's Day. I need to get him a card, I guess, something semi-neutral but positive.

Amalah shared her happy news today is a really touching way.


Antigone said...

My husband has a frailty. I don't know more than that. I just know that when I read you, I'm reminded of my husband. Maybe all men share it. Maybe its just me. I don't know. Sound crazy? To my knowledge, I don't have any reason to say this. But, each time I read your blog, I think of my husband and I wonder. Has he? Will he? What would I do?

Its so easy to say to you that your husband is a jerk. For some reason though, I think about mine and I wonder how I would feel. I'd still want him and love him. It would be painful and terrible.

Man, marriage is way more complicated than anyone ever told me it would or could be.

meg said...

Marriage is hard. Period. And you throw other problems/issues into the mix, and it's a hail storm, isn't it?

I think your husband is trying. I think he is hurting. And I never thought he was a jerk. What he did was unfair, but I just don't believe in black and white (i.e someone does a and you have to do b). Life is not like that.

I know you are hurting, but despite him causing you so much pain, he is hurting too. I'm quite sure of this.

wynterm said...

something you wrote really got to me. in a fit of anger and emotion you wrote that you wish you never married your husband.

i some how flashed 15 years and saw myself saying that to my current boyfriend whom I pray like there is no tomorrow will be my husband.

i just want him to be mine and no one elses and if he can't see how much i want that then i feel like i've failed to sell the benefits of being with me. or maybe i've sold it and he's just not buying.

and we have that good connection and that loving longing feeling when its been too long since we've seen the other. and we cry and hug and laugh and yell...but what if i do make him my husband nothing changes? i know you can't turn back time - you can't go back to your first date and know that someday he would hurt you...but what about thinking forward w/ perspective of what you know now?? now you know he's not as reliable as first thought, but men are infallible. and you can start being a little selfish too.

also, congrats for handling "that girl" on the phone. you're a pro, i would have torn her limb from limb. and he would have been next. you have more on your plate, you have a home, a mortgage, a baby. good for you for handling yourself just like a lady. and that's how you seem. i just started reading your blog yesterday and i got through the whole thing in one sitting. bravo and kudos.