Friday, August 8, 2008

I couldn't manage a card

So yesterday was my 9 year wedding anniversary. I went to three stores, looked through all the anniversary cards. And there wasn't a single one that said I'm glad our marriage is back on track for this year, hope you are sincere in wanting to stay married. Or, from here on out I promise to take marriage more seriously. Not even a plain simple Happy Anniversary with nothing else. Most cards talk about how important it is to be together over time and how great it is the other person is their support and lifeline.

A pregnant woman crying in the anniversary card aisle isn't really a normal sight, you know?

So I didn't do anything. He brought me home a big bouquet of flowers, a nice, simple card, a bar of chocolate. I teared up while reading his card. But of course we didn't talk about anything. For dinner we packed up some leftovers and went to a weekly concert at the local park.

My parents called just before dinner to wish us happy anniversary and to ask if we were getting ready to go out to dinner or what we were doing. I almost didn't answer, but thought it would be easier to just get the call over - I mean they know about my marriage problems. They know about my job and money problems. No, we're not going out, no, we're not getting takeout, no, I don't want to celebrate. But I just brushed it all off.

This morning my husband looked tired, said he hadn't slept. We need to talk about where things are and how we each feel and what's going on. I'm sure I've made him feel guilty, which is never good. I just still hurt, and can't pretend that I don't. That we're not back on firm ground, that our marriage is deeply flawed, and I don't forgive him. That every day I don't feel resentment for how much he screwed up financially this past year.

I need to call some counselors.

In other news, I had a phone interview on the 6th, and heard yesterday they did want to in-person interview me, on September 16th. On Monday, I applied for a part time contract position, 20 hours/week, and on Wednesday evening got a reply that I was among the small pool of candidates they'd like to interview, on September 8th. And I still have 3 things out there - the outside my subject area position with my friend's company, they are pulling the Board together for interviews in September, and I'm still top candidate. Still no word on the prestigious funding job where I know a ton of staff and can't get any inside info, no one that I know really well knows anything, they say the higher ups are mum on what's going on. And in early July I applied for a deputy director position at a local non profit where I also know people, and nothing from them, either.

So, who knows. I'm still viable as a candidate, for another month, maybe. Best case scenario is everything has been held up with the summer and September will bring some resolution. I hope. Right now I'm really hopeful about the part-time contract. It might be the best with my schedule, and we could swing the nanny on a half time job.

This has been a stressful, stressful time. And I know money and job and self-confidence (or lack thereof) has had an impact on the marriage. I know it's all getting twined into a ball of misery and worry. I need something to break my way.


CLC said...

I'm sorry which box that it was a lousy day for you. I think I would have the same feelings as well too. It's hard to let them go, and just forgive. I hope you are able to find someone helpful to talk to, someone that can help you sort this out objectively. Thinking of you.

Antigone said...

It all gets tangled up because it is all tangled up. Nothing's truly compartmentalized.

niobe said...

I think Antigone's absolutely right.

Though sometimes if you ignore things for long enough, when you go back and look at them, they aren't quite as bad as you remembered. Or at least that's what sometimes works for me. But, as we all know, I am the Queen of Denial.

mama-2-4 said...

Lurker here: I am beging you, beging you to please see a counselor again and work on sorting this out before your next baby comes. Do you really want to go into all that comes with handling with a newborn while you and your husband are still feeling like this? You've been given the present of free time since you lost your job - take advantage of it.