Wednesday, December 17, 2008

hot topics

It appears weight is a hot button topic for many, not that that should be a surprise. The thing is, in real life, I almost never talk about it. When I was in my 20s and young 30s, I never, ever talked about my weight. Other women my age were skinny and would gripe about (non-existant) body flaws and I would stay mum, since carrying 20-30 extra pounds speaks for itself. But now that I've reached a certain age and had two kids (and two more relatively short pregnancies) and so has everyone else my age, my shape isn't that far from normal, so I can be someone who gripes with women friends about getting my old body back. Except I don't really want my old body, either. But antigone hit it on the head - for me, it's really about feeling better, stronger, healthier in my body. I want to chase my children around on the playground and not be too tired or too out of breath. (as I was much of the pregnancy). Though there is a part of me that is vain and wants to wear my old clothes. Or maybe that's the broke part of me, who doesn't want (and can't right now) purchase a bunch of stuff!

But, in the of course category, the weight had been magically melting off, and as soon as I published the last post, the melting stopped. I'm hovering around 187 or so. I fit into my old jeans, but barely. I really need to get 15 pounds off to have my wardrobe open to me again, and I really don't want to buy anything large right now. So, I still wear those army green maternity pants. I really, really hate them.


In other news - my husband is seeing his counselor again tonight, having last seen her two weeks ago, to talk about the latest missive from his lovely mother. I finially did read the email - it was as disjointed and illogical as you might expect, and not worth typing out. She's delusional, and the queen of it's all about her. At one point she said how hurtful it was my husband called the day of the delivery, as if the date wasn't embedded in her mind. How dare he care to intentionally hurt her with the reminder her grandson, whom she couldn't see because it was too painful for her, was to be born that day.

I mean really. What is there to say to that. My husband told me about his counseling appointment that night -counselor said, look, their pathology runs deep and you're not going to change them. Perhaps with family counseling, with a highly trained counselor, they might understand how they hurt us. But otherwise, it's worked for them for 60+ years, and they're not gonig to change. Especially when their behavior is tolerated by so many others in the family.

Counselor also told my husand that while he was welcome to come and talk to her about all this, he'd do a lot better talking to me about it. I agreed, there was a pause, and he said, but I dont' know how to do that. I asked why, and he said do you want to hear I look at my son and my eyes well up with tears thinknig about my parents and especially my dad? Or that I think about this all the time, trying to think of a resolution?

I told him I knew this was hard on him, and of course it should be hard. It's hard to be rejected by people you love.

The thing is, what I did not say, is that their rejection of him is so tied in my mind to their rejection of me, and that's integrally tied to his rejection of me. It hurts me, too, though for totally different reasons.

I've thought about printing out some comments I've received here from others with family estrangements. Cause while I am perfectly happy walking away from these hateful people, he is not yet there. He's seeing his counselor again tonight, so we'll see what that brings.

Meanwhile, we've just sent the birth announcements out, and are prepping for the baptism on the 28th. He's going to call his sister and ask her if she will be godmother, but I think his sister wil say no. Bleah. I don't know what we'll do then.

I've told my husband I want to model the behavior we want to receive from his family, so we sent off a birthday present to his niece, and still have to go out and buy them all (modest!) presents. We've sent them the announcement, and will mail them a Christmas card and holiday package. Maybe I should not even be trying that little bit. I don't know. Because of course they might take it as everything has been swept under the rug and is perfectly fine now. That's the one place I won't go.


And one last tidbit - remember the job that wouldn't hire me, I surmised because of pregnancy? Part-time contract position? Well, they sent me an e-mail today asking for references! So maybe who knows. I have hope, but trying not to think about it too much. Applied for a government job yesterday (4 stinking hours on the application!), heard of a possibility yesterday, have a contract temp job to send in resume, have two other good contacts to follow up..........gotta make something happen in the New Year.


Wabi said...

It's funny, about 4 blogs I read regularly posted about weight issues in a matter of a couple of days! Obviously this is something on the mind of people, especially at this time of year.

Once again, I have to say how sorry I am about all the drama with your in laws. It was terribly hard when I was going through similar stuff with my dad and his live-in girlfriend years ago. Dealing with self-centered people who are used to being cow-towed to is no fun for the one person willing to stand up and call the jerkoff ... well, a jerkoff.

I can say that while my family was never the same after what happened, once I grieved and accepted things for what they were, it got better. Because it's just terrible to always be on edge and know that no matter WHAT you do, it's somehow going to spark a fit that you'll be blamed for. So while I felt emptier in a sad way for awhile, eventually that turned into just feeling ... lighter.

I hope that happens for you guys, too.

CLC said...

I am sorry that they are so disillusioned. I feel sad for your husband. I understand how it would be harder for him to accept separation from them. Is counseling anything they would ever consider?

And I am hoping the job market brings you something you like this year. Sounds like you have a few promising leads!