the weight

OK, here's my long planned weight e-mail.

Bottom line, I've been borderline heavy my entire life. Never obese, but just the classic bookworm hopeless at gym too much babyfat kid, who never learned how to slim down as a teenager, and who even now just doesn't get the connection between what I eat/how much I move and what I weigh and how I look and how fit I am. I don't like to sweat, but I do like it when I am stronger or more fit.

I was pretty much a size 11/13 my teenage years.

I'm 5'4".

Today, I weigh 173.5

In early 2003, I hit my then highest weight of 175, and I went off to weight watchers. And lost 25 pounds, hovering around 150 +/- 4 pounds. I looked and felt great. Wore size 8, some 6. And was happy - no need to be a skinny 4 or 6 sized girl. I worked out with weights, walked a lot, and did yoga, and tried to eat healthfully.

In 2004, I started a new job, and couldn't walk to work anymore. And they had SOOO much junk food here. I settled in at 160 or so. But was reasonably ok with that.

And then I got pregnant, and weighed in at 165 or so. I gained a normal amount of weight, but started to hit 190 near the end (when i finally refused to look at the scale anymore).

I remember coming home from the hospital and standing on the scale (bloated from the c-section) and weighing 188! After having an 8 pound baby! The water came off though, and at my 6 week check up I weighed 167. And I started losing, and walking, but with nursing didn't watch my food or try to lose more. And at 4 months went back to work. Well, there was no time for exercise, and remember the junk food. My weight crept up. In November 2006, when I was newly pregnant again, it hit 178. I was up to about 184 when the pregnancy finally ended.

Suddenly I wasn't nursing anymore, I had just lost this baby, I was stressed and depressed, and the weight just crept up. A pound a month, no matter what I tried to do. I was at 188 in August, and felt terrible about myself.

Again, I have such a hard time seeing the connection between eating/exercising and what the scale says. It's such a long term process, not immediate feedback.

In August I decide to stop weighing myself every day and just try to level off. In September I weighed 185. In mid October I went to the Chinese medicine guy, who suggested my diet was too carb heavy (yes), and suggested a three week veggies/fruit supplement thing. I bought the supplements - to the tune of $160.

At the end of October the shit hit the fan, and I dropped in one week to 180. In early November it was 178 - right where I was a year ago when pregnant.

So now I'm eating better (healthfully) and trying to work off anxiety by exercising. Aerobic exercise is hard - I'm walking when I can, but need something else. I am considering a treadmill - the problem is how to walk when as soon as I get home from work there's a little one to deal with? And I can't leave the house when she's in bed to jog around the block! And with my husband so sporadic, and about to leave, there's no long term solution there. I'm scouring websites to find a used treadmill (before the rush in January!).

173.5. I am considering reading all the supplement stuff and starting that process this weekend. I'm fairly confident it's healthy stuff (I'm not a fad dieter). It might be the kickstart I need. I would love to be 165 in the next 4 weeks. There, it's out there. That's my goal - lose an ambitious amount over the holiday season. Normally I'd think not doable, but lucky for me, for once I'm not stress eating.

I'll keep posting on this - I hope it keeps me honest, and seeing progress.