Friday, November 30, 2007

the weight

OK, here's my long planned weight e-mail.

Bottom line, I've been borderline heavy my entire life. Never obese, but just the classic bookworm hopeless at gym too much babyfat kid, who never learned how to slim down as a teenager, and who even now just doesn't get the connection between what I eat/how much I move and what I weigh and how I look and how fit I am. I don't like to sweat, but I do like it when I am stronger or more fit.

I was pretty much a size 11/13 my teenage years.

I'm 5'4".

Today, I weigh 173.5

In early 2003, I hit my then highest weight of 175, and I went off to weight watchers. And lost 25 pounds, hovering around 150 +/- 4 pounds. I looked and felt great. Wore size 8, some 6. And was happy - no need to be a skinny 4 or 6 sized girl. I worked out with weights, walked a lot, and did yoga, and tried to eat healthfully.

In 2004, I started a new job, and couldn't walk to work anymore. And they had SOOO much junk food here. I settled in at 160 or so. But was reasonably ok with that.

And then I got pregnant, and weighed in at 165 or so. I gained a normal amount of weight, but started to hit 190 near the end (when i finally refused to look at the scale anymore).

I remember coming home from the hospital and standing on the scale (bloated from the c-section) and weighing 188! After having an 8 pound baby! The water came off though, and at my 6 week check up I weighed 167. And I started losing, and walking, but with nursing didn't watch my food or try to lose more. And at 4 months went back to work. Well, there was no time for exercise, and remember the junk food. My weight crept up. In November 2006, when I was newly pregnant again, it hit 178. I was up to about 184 when the pregnancy finally ended.

Suddenly I wasn't nursing anymore, I had just lost this baby, I was stressed and depressed, and the weight just crept up. A pound a month, no matter what I tried to do. I was at 188 in August, and felt terrible about myself.

Again, I have such a hard time seeing the connection between eating/exercising and what the scale says. It's such a long term process, not immediate feedback.

In August I decide to stop weighing myself every day and just try to level off. In September I weighed 185. In mid October I went to the Chinese medicine guy, who suggested my diet was too carb heavy (yes), and suggested a three week veggies/fruit supplement thing. I bought the supplements - to the tune of $160.

At the end of October the shit hit the fan, and I dropped in one week to 180. In early November it was 178 - right where I was a year ago when pregnant.

So now I'm eating better (healthfully) and trying to work off anxiety by exercising. Aerobic exercise is hard - I'm walking when I can, but need something else. I am considering a treadmill - the problem is how to walk when as soon as I get home from work there's a little one to deal with? And I can't leave the house when she's in bed to jog around the block! And with my husband so sporadic, and about to leave, there's no long term solution there. I'm scouring websites to find a used treadmill (before the rush in January!).

173.5. I am considering reading all the supplement stuff and starting that process this weekend. I'm fairly confident it's healthy stuff (I'm not a fad dieter). It might be the kickstart I need. I would love to be 165 in the next 4 weeks. There, it's out there. That's my goal - lose an ambitious amount over the holiday season. Normally I'd think not doable, but lucky for me, for once I'm not stress eating.

I'll keep posting on this - I hope it keeps me honest, and seeing progress.


Leah said...

Good luck!!! Being consistent is the key!! Smaller portions, cut down sugar and move. Sounds so simple, however I can't do it!!! I would love to lose 25-30 pounds but I don't know if I will ever be consistent enough!!! Use you blog as a support system.

The Scarlet D said...

O.k., Which Box - We are definitely kindred spirits. Everytime I had read your blog, I had imagined you all urban and petite, trim and hip, and felt a little out of touch with that aspect of your life, as I live in a rural area, am overweight, and have been a stay-at-home mom for so long. But now you've done it! Thanks for being so honest and vulnerable, and allowing us to "know you" more. I, too, am trying really hard not to turn to food during this emotional turmoil in my life, and to find the time to exercise, along with all the other insanity. Good luck fitting it in and with your goals! Maybe we can be accountability partners? I've heard of lots of women losing weight after their divorces. It's called the "revenge diet," so maybe we should do it!

meg said...

I gained 30lbs with the last pg and now I have to lose it. I think it might be easier to feel like it, if the baby had lived...but regardless, I have to get it off.

You are brave to post this. I am too chicken.