Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Am I the freak?

So yesterday after I posted, I went on a two hour tour of blog land. And found Julia's post. And then Kalaky's rant. I sure missed a lot last week.

I was on a brief tour of dead baby land for I don't know, weird reasons. Unsettled, scared, about this pregnancy. Worried about all that could go wrong. I do know too much. I've LIVED too much, and I've not even had it as bad as others. Worried about all that could go right. I've seen more than one infertility/loss blog talk about how hard it can be to hear of other's happiness. When you're 1 for 3, and 39, and kinda thinking this is pretty damn close to your last chance, there's a lot riding on it. I've added a new box. Freakishly nervous pregnant lady blog.

Pregnancy #1 - exhaustion, terrible cramps
Pregnancy #2 - exhaustion, not much of anything else, all must be fine, right?
Pregnancy #3 - I realized last night I have no memories of the early days of that pregnancy. None at all. It's bizarre. I remember vaguely the first sonogram, around I think 7 weeks. I remember telling our families at Christmas. I distinctly recall the ultrascreen. And, I think, nearly every second of the rest of the after. But the pee stick? Couldn't tell you. Exhaustion? Cramps? No idea. I remember one day at work nearly throwing up in an all staff meeting. After Christmas, before screening. I think. How is it the early days, the heady wow isn't this great buzz, is totally gone? Utterly and completely gone. Last night I tried to do some calculating, and I can't even decide when I might have figured out I was pregnant. It's just not there.

So here we are at #4. Tired, but not deep down to the bones exhausted like in 1 and 2 (and 3? who knows?). Is that good or bad? No cramps, but twinges of something - pain? - every once in a fleeting while. Hungry. I think I've gained 5 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Is this normal? Is it not normal? Will my brain ever shut up with all the things that could be happening right now without me ever knowing it might be too late?

Adding to that, the stupid pharmacy did not have progesterone or estrogen. So can't even take something that if nothing else makes me think I'm doing something proactive. Placebo effect,
what a friend you've found in me. AND, I have to travel tomorrow/Thursday, so no 48 hours later blood test to track, and no damn prescriptions til Friday, given the travel. Grrreeaat.

36 weeks of walking in the shadow of fear. And that's if all goes well.

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