Thursday, June 26, 2008

down

Today has not been a great day. I'm worried. I wish I could say I was worried about others, and I am, but mostly I'm just worried about me and my problems. I'm worried about money. I handed over all the materials from my last job a week and a half ago. They owe me a significant amount of money, and we need that - badly. I got an e-mail earlier this week saying I'd get a check next Monday. I don't know what I'll do if not. But even so, that money will only last through August.

I'm worried about finding a new job. I'm 19 weeks pregnant. I have some good possibilities, and even an interview tomorrow, but nothing is solid right now. I'm wildly not qualified for the position for which I am interviewing. I'm going to have to sell, sell, sell myself tomorrow, think quickly on my feet, and draw lots of parallels from my past experience to what I could do. And right now, feeling as I do, I'm not exactly at the top of my confidence game.

I'm worried about this pregnancy. I think sometimes I feel movement, but it's not consistent. I'm overweight and only 19 weeks, so that's not really anything, yet. My doctor hasn't called with my 16 week blood work. I've got something going on with one of my hips, clearly a nerve issue, but I don't think sciatica. But it makes sleep hard since I can't lay on either side. And then this week I started with pain in the various glute areas, with some going down my leg. And then today I feel like I've pulled something in my abdomen, almost like a hernia. What the hell. It comes and goes, I don't know if I should go to the doctor, or rest, or what. It doesn't hurt when lifting anything, so not sure what that means. And I need exercise. I gained 20 pounds in the first 16 weeks. And then let's not get started on my OB/GYN practice. Should I stay with the devil I know? I know there's worse, and better, but yet I know exactly what I'm getting (aggravation).

I'm worried about my marriage. With everything else going on, I'm not exactly attentive to my husband, you know. And that's kind of what got us into a mess in the first place. He admitted today he's been nagging me (what are you doing today? Don't forget X. Don't forget to do Y. can you water the plants? Can you do the laundry? Why don't you go to the store since you're home anyway?). It's all reasonable, it's just the nagging.

I'm worried about money. Again. Still. Constantly. We've always used my health insurance, which was quite good in the job before last, and we were cobra-ing. At a high monthly rate. Do we switch to my husband's not quite as good insurance? But if there's a delivery (and repeat c-section) and his insurance has a 10% payment, is it all a wash and we should stick to my pricier insurance, which cost us exactly $0 for my daughter's birth. Oh, and there's no room in our budget to pay for any insurance anyway. The financial mistakes we've made - and suffered this past year. There's another post coming on this.

So I'm just down. And feeling quite out. And I've got to find something that fits for tomorrow, and be up and peppy and confident and smart and together and guess what? I'm none of those things right now.

5 comments:

Antigone said...

It's always a struggle one way or the other.

What did you decide to wear tomorrow? Suit?

The Yak said...

Nothing like money/job stress on top of pregnancy and marriage stress... it won't always be like this, you know. What I do when the stress is real and I can't talk myself down is go to Plan B, The Play. As you prepare for and undergo the job interview, just pretend you're an actress in the role of Energetic, Confident Optimistic Potential Employee when in real life you know you don't feel that way -- it's a deliberate masquerade but one you're in control of. At worst it's temporary denial for the greater good of getting a job and thereby relieving some of the stress. But sometimes you wind up genuinely feeling the way you've been pretending.

If you have pain in a buttock and down your leg, that certainly sounds like sciatica to me (though I'm not a doctor). It also sounds like you have to get a new doctor if you're hesitant to go to this one and they haven't even gotten back to you with results of a test taken three weeks ago. The health of you and your baby are more important than the short-term inconvenience of finding and breaking in a new doctor, or the fear of hurting this one's feelings, IMO. As for your husband, maybe just be honest and you realize you're not paying enough attention to him and the shopping or whatever, you're aware of it, but you have just a few teensy other things on your mind right now, and you appreciate whatever understanding and help he can provide while you try to get a job and also carry a baby to term. :-)

Lisse said...

What can you do for a cheap date?

I'd say the movies or a drive but neither of those are cheap any more. A picnic in the park?

Magpie said...

i'm sorry about the stuff going on. i hope your interview went well today.

Am I doing okay? said...

How did your interview go? Thank you for the skinny. I will make it a point to reply to your email tomorrow. It's busy work being lonely.