the good and the bad

Sunday we celebrated the little guy's 6 month b-day. There's been good news from my little blogroll on the right over the past 6 months. Antigone's Perseus, Niobe's boy, CLC's Denis.

But then there are the reminders that not every story leads to the heart's desire. And your own heart breaks. Kym's betas started low and fell over the weekend. Chance's last chance. I'm so sorry. And I'm angry. Has anyone watched the awful Real Housewives of NJ? I've never watched any of the other shows, but given my in-laws, we thought we'd try out this NJ show. And it's awful, but not in-law awful. Last night we finally watched the second episode, and one of the housewives (the only one that seems like a decent person) went to the fertility specialist (after her 4th miscarriage). And he told her the same thing my RE told me. About half the time, the doctors can find no real for infertility or chronic loss. Half the time the doctors have no idea. How is that freaking possible? How, in this world where science and medicine can do so much, is fertility such a mystery? How can there be no answer? And how can no answer cost so freaking much money? It makes me angry. But, mostly it makes me sad. I wanted another baby in the blogroll. Chance and I once spoke to each other about hope. She helped me find hope. I wish there was something I could do for her.

Tash and I were thinking alike today. In addition to Kym and Chance, she points to two additional stories from the weekend. Not a great weekend for happy stories.

categorically

So, here I am. I did finally get off my butt and write to Mel, and though she told me she doesn't usually start a category with only one blog, she could see the value, and she created a brand new category of which I am the only member. Awesome. And I mean that positively and sarcastically.

I looked over my latest posts, and I've been better about writing more often, but what I'm not writing about is my marriage. My communications problem in relationships is that I shut down when upset. I give 'the silent treatment.' Which is apparently one of the worst ways of communicating, all about power and just an awful way to treat your partner. According to a myriad of well paid counselors and experts. I go silent because inside I am screaming I hate you I hate this we never should have gotten married this is all a mistake I hate I hate I hate. And I think I can't say those things, so I wait it out until the drumbeat wears itself out and I can think rationally and I remember I don't really entirely hate everything and let's talk things through and figure a way forward. In my mind, this does not feel like a power trip or an awful way to treat my partner, but like a way to be nicer - to let the emotion burn out and then talk.

Hmm, where I wanted to go with this post is not where it's going. I've been giving the blog the siltent treatment on my marriage lately, except it's not because I hate the blog, it's because. Well, I don't know. We had a bad period a little bit ago. A really bad time. A time where I said I understand why you had the affair because believe me, if someone would just be nice to me and listen to me and support me and just generally treat me as if I were a valuable, worthy person, I'd leave you in a heartbeat. A time where I said maybe it was time to end this farce and just move on with our lives. A time where I said I just didn't care anymore, I was totally checked out. And he said, he wouldn't let me check out because the stakes were too high. It was too important. And I said he had no right - no right - to get on his high horse now. Too bad he didn't take the moral high ground before having the affair.

So, I agreed to look for yet ANOTHER new counselor. And I honestly can't remember when this was because the past weeks have been a blur of no sleep and colds and runny noses and no sleep and did I mention no sleep?

But, since then, despite the no sleep, things have been better. He is trying and paying attention and not just working working working, and I feel better having said some of it out loud. And the real point of this was I had lunch with a blunt friend yesterday and we were talking kids and I admitted I love the thought of three kids and she flat out asked (and it was fine she did so) if my marriage would survive a third and I said no. Kids are awesome and great and even with the heartache and effort to bring them into this world, I can still admit they are freaking hard work. And did I mention no sleep?

So yesterday morning I said to my husband maybe it is time to get the big-ass swing out of our room, since the not so little guy (20 pounds! at 6 months!) has outgrown it and he said yes and I said what should we do with it (loaded question - sell it since there are no more babies to be made?) and he said stick it in the attic. So yes, we'll stick it in the attic. For now.

What kind of fighter are you? The silent treatment? The screamer? The avoider?

blogging for good

I never do this, but this time I'm stepping forward and promoting a good cause. I've written before about Gwendomama - her story of loss is heartbreaking, her writing is clear and lucid and compelling. She has been treated very, very badly lately. Very badly. Domestic violence and abuse badly. And right at the time when she should be allowed to have space and time to continue to grieve the loss of the precious Elijah which pisses me off almost more than the rest of it. Almost.

Her blogging friends have banded together to help her out of this financial hole she was forced into. I've never mentioned a cause before, I don't think, and I've never asked anyone for donations. More than anything, I want you to go to Gwendomama and show her support. She has a lot to get through. And, if you are so inclined, one of her genius friends made this little widget that allows donations through paypal.



When your husband - the one who helped you say goodbye to your precious son - doesn't pay the bills for months, despite telling you he has; when he chokes you in front of your living son, a mere toddler; when he uses classic abuser techniques like blaming you for reporting the incident and breaking up the family; when he uses what meager funds are in the joint bank accounts to bail himself out of jail - well, hell, you could use a little help and support.

inlaw update

Nothing too exciting - my mother-in-law sent my husband an e-mail on Friday.

It was very short, just said thanks for the Mother's Day cards, then reported that they, my husband's brother and family, and husbands sister spent Mother's Day in Florida, at in-laws new time share and they all went to Disney. (Have I blogged about their ridiculous timeshare purchase? Husband's grandfather died, leaving $$ to parents, who immediately went out,with no thought or planning whatsoever, purchased a brand new timeshare in Florida. That requires a plane ride and a rental car to reach? Good for them, I guess, but maybe not the best purchase for people on a fixed income????)

Anyway, the money line was subtle, at the end: Hope WhichBox and the rest of your family had a nice Mother's Day. The dig was the subtle "your family." Because her beef, among many, is that my husband has chosen my family over his own. Please. Grow up lady.

I asked my husband where his thinking was on his family, and he just sighed and said he'd rather just ignore it all. He sees his counselor every couple of weeks (we're too busy and it's too much $$ for weekly sessions) and said they talk about his family every session, but he's had no further thoughts about them. I have to admit I like where we are now - just living our lives and ignoring them. It's been 18 months. I hope this period of relative peace will last a bit longer.

searching

Every once in a while I check my visitor stats. Check out who's visiting, why, where they came from, etc. And I love a few blogs that semi-regularly report on google searches that resulted in their blog. By far, most google searches that send people here come from "I am jerk" a post from about a year ago, when a friend's mom died and I inadvertently offended her. (but friend and I have patched things up - saw her a couple of weeks ago for dinner at our place).

One last week caught my breath. "infertile husband is leaving me" I suppose the husband might be infertile. Actually, our infertility troubles were partially caused by my husband's diagnosed 'sub-fertility' and varicoceles. So, friend, regardless if your husband is infertile or you are or you both are together, I'm sorry. Really sorry. For all of it. For whatever sent you to google. I recall desparate google searches of my own (on different topics), trying to find others like me. Or sort of like me. Or maybe not at all like me, but at least entertaining. Or diverting. Or supportive. Or validating.

Do you track to see how people find you? Any good searches lead anyone to you?

out of time

Today is my sister's birthday. She is almost 14 years younger than I am, turning 27. (Our brother is 2 years younger than me, almost 12 years older than her.)

My husband is two years older than his brother, and six years older than his sister, whose birthday is Thursday. So both our families have two siblings close in age, then a third a bit of a tagalong.

I think that influences my thinking about kids and siblings a great deal. Kids are hard. And having kids (and trying and failing to have kids) is incredibly hard on a relationship. I thought we would have three kids. I don't think our relationship would survive a third. Maybe, if there was time for a bit of a lag. But I'll be 41 soon.

I think, given that my result is two happy, seemingly healthy children, my biggest regret from the infertile/loss/shaky relationship years is the time lost. There is no chance for a "surprise" baby. If we had started earlier? But heck, we barely survived the should we have kids decision point, but went ahead and someplace in the files on my dead computer is nearly two years of basal temperature charting. Barely, barely survived the first child and then the loss - another year or so gone by. Hanging on by a slender thread with child #2. 6 years, two kids, two losses, infidelity, endless marriage counseling, and here we are. In the grand scheme of things, I probably can't complain much. But I can regret.

My sister enriched/enriches our family in so many ways. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. But then again, there's my husband's family - he was close with his sister, but she's fallen by the wayside, now, too. (a quick update - nothing to update - no contact, no nothing the past few months. I'm sure we're considered even more awful for the lack of a card for Mother's Day. Oh well. Hard to care, really.)

I used to be one of those people who would say things happen for a reason. Now I think things happen for no reason whatsoever. And you?

Eye Opening

Wow - have you been over to Niobe's place lately? On Friday, she opened her comments section to anonymous confessions. And boy, have they rolled in. I was curious to see what people might write. I think of blogging as very confessional, so I couldn't imagine how these comments would be different. I don't know about you, but I am blown away - blown away - by the number and intensity of unhappy relationship/infidelity comments. The statistics are pretty stark - a high percentage of marriages experience infidelity, and the majority of those marriages survive.

I've thought about writing Mel at Stirrups Queen and putting me on the list in a new category - how reproduction difficulties exposes flaws in your relationship, or something slightly more catchy than that. (ideas, anyone?) I have on my perpetual to-do list to get added to the blogroll, but I can never decide where I might belong - relationships suck after infertility? (I have some progesterone to donate, so I have got to get this off my to-do list and onto the done list too, and pronto. I'm calling myself out here so I can actually get it done).

I am fairly certain the intention of anonymous confessions is to open it up, let it go, and never speak of it again. So here I am, violating the first rule of fight club by talking about fight club. The guilt, the questioning, the depressions, the fear and worry - all of that seems, to me, to be a more raw extension of what we read in blogland. Not much there surprised me. The relationship stuff - I don't read that much online along those lines. I was, am, surprised by those comments. There are times I feel like the one of just a few people struggling to keep a marriage together, and wondering if it will last.

Do you want to talk about fight club? Anything surprise you, or not?

timing is everything

A true story. Really. So when I left my last full time job, in January 08, I bought my computer from work. It contains all my pictures, all my files, and my music. A MacBook Pro. Awesome computer. Of course, at work, it was backed up regularly. Here, no backup. And, with the 7000 pictures, 5000 songs, and endless files and e-mails, it was bumping up, hard, against the memory capacity of the machine.

So, the perfect plan. Once I get paid from my new job, I would buy a Mac specific back up device. Maybe the time capsule thing, maybe just an external hard drive for now.

My husband bought us a big, cumbersome PC hard drive. I'd moved a few archival files to it - all the movies we've taken these past years. But transferring files, backing up to this PC device is a HUGE pain in the ass. Huge. I was waiting for a mac specific device that would make it easy, fast, and relatively painfree. Yes, I have a new computer with this new job. Yes, it's a mac. No, I did not transfer files. Yes, I am an idiot.

I got my paycheck from this job on Monday, deposited it on Tuesday. Check cleared yesterday. And Wednesday night my computer - my life - crashed. Utter and complete fail. The night before the check cleared. Not that I would have rushed out Thursday and bought the drive. But still. Let's talk about timing.

So, a visit with the genius bar yesterday. He's going to try to access the hard drive today and transfer all the files to another device. I should get a call. My machine is sending conflicting signals about what's wrong. It's unclear whether he'll be able to access the drive, in which case it gets sent out for recovery of whatever can be recovered. The list of all the present we received for the little guy, and the thank you notes still to be written. The Christmas card list, totally updated this year, with all addresses right. Evidence from my husband cheating. Songs ripped from friends CDs. Songs ripped from our extensive CD collection - hours and hours and hours of ripping. Resignation letter I was forced to write from 3 jobs ago. Thankfully, not my resume, I'd transferred that over. Every picture from the past 5 years (my husband has some, but not all - but probably 75%). Every e-mail sent the past 5 years (I like to say I'm keeping them for my memoirs). Stupid stuff, random stuff, funny stuff, important stuff, irreplaceable stuff. All in one machine.

Seriously. In what universe does a 2.5 year old machine FAIL with this timing? The night before the check clears?

So please tell me I'm not the only one who fails to back up. I know I'm not. Tell me recovery works. Tell me the geniuses really are and I will get an it's all fine call in just a little while.

eta - They were able to access the hard drive and transfer 100% of my files. WHEW. Now I buy the back up drive, they move the files there, and it's all good, except for the broken machine. Based on how it's acting, they believe the logic board went. I have to decide if I want the machine repaired ($300). From Tash's comments, this machine is from the same time as hers, and even though I love it, it's always had some low level weirdness that perhaps wasn't so benign. I'll hold off repairing it for now, but maybe next paycheck. With sufficient backup, it'll will be cheaper to repair it, and that way I'll have a work laptop and a home laptop.

Season finale

Well, thank goodness last night was the season finale of Private Practice. One less thing to fret about over the next few months. Oh, right, except for the new fretting about whether crazy patient will cut open Judging Amy and steal her unborn baby.

Yep. Unborn baby cutting and stealing. A new low for this show, on a night of many lows. Actually, for a while I thought Shondra Rimes (exec producer) had come to her senses and was going to have Addison character act honorably. Main character Addison and horny cardiac surgeon met and agreed they hadn't actually commited any sin except for coveting each other. (Gag). Cardiac doctor who just needs to get some decided he would tell his wife he loved addison, thus ensuring Addison would be reprimanded and suspended by state medical liscensing board for unprofessional behavior- what? Oh, wait, sorry, not part of storyline. Luckily, through dramatic machinations, Addison decided she could not let horny cardiac surgeon tell his wife and storyline seemed to be over, but there were still 20 minutes left in the show so sadly, she went to horny surgeons office, where they totally jumped each other all the way to pants being unzipped and possible male parts inserted into female parts when suddenly Adidson's (and now really horny cardiac surgeon's) pagers went off, signaling the wife was in labor and ready to deliver. Addison left the delivery room in mid contraction to find male midwife to tell him he had to deliver the baby that would make a family. And then she cried. So maybe she will do the honorable thing and we won't see any of the horny doctor (who will still be horny as a new first time mom isn't exactly thinking about servicing the husband, you know?), who may just fall in love with his baby and realize he almost screwed up his entire family all because he wasn't getting any from his stressed out dead baby momma complete pelvic rest to avoid third dead baby wife. Whew!

So, back to crazy mental patient. I have to admit this story actually got to me. While extremely rare, there are these cases of crazy people fixating on pregnant women and following them and cutting them open and stealing the baby. There was a well publicized one someplace in the south when I was pregnant with my daughter (so summer '05) that totally freaked me out and became Yet Another Thing To Worry About, so last night when I was having trouble sleeping I could not get visions of poor judging Amy laying on the floor telling crazy woman how to best cut her open out of my head (Amy had realized futitily of situation, could not dissuade crazy mental patient, so decided to talk her through the c-section so baby would survive). Now I have the summer to wonder if Judging Amy woman (what is her name on the show? Something silly. Violet, that's it.) is going to be killed off or miraculously saved. Seriously, as soon as her doorbell rang, I was thinking, it's the creepy crazy lady, don't answer the door! It's her, SLAM the door! Do not step closer to her - oh, damn, crazy lady injected you. So, aside from strange potion that renders you immobile and unfeeling from the neck down for many, many hours without wearing off even a tad as crazy mental patient slaps you around and talks your ear off, this was a pretty upsetting story. I actually kind of hope they don't kill her off. If for no other reason than the my two dads scenario playing out next season will be excruciating - remember Violet doesn't know which of two men is the father and refused to have testing done while pregnant. Although, actually, the non-main character possible father could turn out to be the dad, and move away with the baby and his grief, thus neatly wrapping up this storyline, getting rid of annoying Judging Amy character, and leaving major character (and hottie) Tim Daly to continue to be available hot guy for new storylines. So yeah, maybe I see how this is going to go. Though, still, death by crazy lady cutting you open while you're concious but paralyzed to steal your baby is a particularly bad way to go and I do not wish that on this character. I'd rather have character come back and be less annoying than have the story go this way. So I guess I do get to wonder about this all summer. While looking for spoilers.

And the rest of the storylines were incredibly annoying and pointless. Really annoying big bosomed doctor quit the practice to run a new practice (in the same building on the floor above), right after she figured out someone she switched embryos before transferring them into the wrong mothers. Oops, hate it when that happens, luckily she was able to convince mothers to carry each other's babies. There was even talk of termination, before the show stepped way, way back from that (ZOMG! Network censors! Sponsor boycotts!) edge and back into we are all happy baby makers here territory. (and big bosomed doctor figured it out because one baby carried the marker for a genetic disease, but whew, not actual disease. That would have been messy).

So, anyone besides Andiamo watch? Will Violet be saved to embrace happiness next year? Send any spoilers my way. (And who plays the crazy mental baby stealing woman? She looks so familiar. I'll have to find out so I can mis-identify her next year, too.)