Monday, May 11, 2009

Eye Opening

Wow - have you been over to Niobe's place lately? On Friday, she opened her comments section to anonymous confessions. And boy, have they rolled in. I was curious to see what people might write. I think of blogging as very confessional, so I couldn't imagine how these comments would be different. I don't know about you, but I am blown away - blown away - by the number and intensity of unhappy relationship/infidelity comments. The statistics are pretty stark - a high percentage of marriages experience infidelity, and the majority of those marriages survive.

I've thought about writing Mel at Stirrups Queen and putting me on the list in a new category - how reproduction difficulties exposes flaws in your relationship, or something slightly more catchy than that. (ideas, anyone?) I have on my perpetual to-do list to get added to the blogroll, but I can never decide where I might belong - relationships suck after infertility? (I have some progesterone to donate, so I have got to get this off my to-do list and onto the done list too, and pronto. I'm calling myself out here so I can actually get it done).

I am fairly certain the intention of anonymous confessions is to open it up, let it go, and never speak of it again. So here I am, violating the first rule of fight club by talking about fight club. The guilt, the questioning, the depressions, the fear and worry - all of that seems, to me, to be a more raw extension of what we read in blogland. Not much there surprised me. The relationship stuff - I don't read that much online along those lines. I was, am, surprised by those comments. There are times I feel like the one of just a few people struggling to keep a marriage together, and wondering if it will last.

Do you want to talk about fight club? Anything surprise you, or not?


niobe said...

Now I'm thinking of doing another round of confessions some time in the future.

Wabi said...

I was really shocked by just how much infidelity got confessed. And suicide. So many thoughts of suicide!

Marriage after loss is so strange. Mine was on the brink of destruction the first year of our deadbabydom. Therapy, medication, and going on to have a baby that lived somehow how got the train back on the tracks. Today we are a success story in that we genuinely like each other and are glad to be together.

But neither my husband nor I would say that this is the marriage we pictured ourselves in on the day we got married. If Bridal Me had known what would come to pass between my husband and I in our darkest moments, she would have backed away hissing that she did not wish to live out the lyrics to Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here!"

The weird thing about being 40ish is that some days I can roll my eyes at that 20something me and call her a twit for being so idealistic. But sometimes I wonder if maybe she had it right. And those are the hardest days to get through.

So. Marriage. Mel should definitely add a new category (if anyone is willing to talk about it).

CLC said...

My jaw is still on the ground. My "problems" seem rather miniscule compared to some of those confessions.

Jo said...

I haven't read the confessions, but will head over there now. I will tell you that you are dead on right. . .it seems as though we are afraid to discuss how infertility affects our relationships. I think its a fear of being judged, of having people question whether or not we should even be trying so hard to have kids when our marriages are so rocky. I know that I myself have felt that way. Anyway, I found you through Mel, so you must have crossed this off your list! And I am so, so glad you did. Adding you to my reader, pronto.