So, here I am. I did finally get off my butt and write to Mel, and though she told me she doesn't usually start a category with only one blog, she could see the value, and she created a brand new category of which I am the only member. Awesome. And I mean that positively and sarcastically.
I looked over my latest posts, and I've been better about writing more often, but what I'm not writing about is my marriage. My communications problem in relationships is that I shut down when upset. I give 'the silent treatment.' Which is apparently one of the worst ways of communicating, all about power and just an awful way to treat your partner. According to a myriad of well paid counselors and experts. I go silent because inside I am screaming I hate you I hate this we never should have gotten married this is all a mistake I hate I hate I hate. And I think I can't say those things, so I wait it out until the drumbeat wears itself out and I can think rationally and I remember I don't really entirely hate everything and let's talk things through and figure a way forward. In my mind, this does not feel like a power trip or an awful way to treat my partner, but like a way to be nicer - to let the emotion burn out and then talk.
Hmm, where I wanted to go with this post is not where it's going. I've been giving the blog the siltent treatment on my marriage lately, except it's not because I hate the blog, it's because. Well, I don't know. We had a bad period a little bit ago. A really bad time. A time where I said I understand why you had the affair because believe me, if someone would just be nice to me and listen to me and support me and just generally treat me as if I were a valuable, worthy person, I'd leave you in a heartbeat. A time where I said maybe it was time to end this farce and just move on with our lives. A time where I said I just didn't care anymore, I was totally checked out. And he said, he wouldn't let me check out because the stakes were too high. It was too important. And I said he had no right - no right - to get on his high horse now. Too bad he didn't take the moral high ground before having the affair.
So, I agreed to look for yet ANOTHER new counselor. And I honestly can't remember when this was because the past weeks have been a blur of no sleep and colds and runny noses and no sleep and did I mention no sleep?
But, since then, despite the no sleep, things have been better. He is trying and paying attention and not just working working working, and I feel better having said some of it out loud. And the real point of this was I had lunch with a blunt friend yesterday and we were talking kids and I admitted I love the thought of three kids and she flat out asked (and it was fine she did so) if my marriage would survive a third and I said no. Kids are awesome and great and even with the heartache and effort to bring them into this world, I can still admit they are freaking hard work. And did I mention no sleep?
So yesterday morning I said to my husband maybe it is time to get the big-ass swing out of our room, since the not so little guy (20 pounds! at 6 months!) has outgrown it and he said yes and I said what should we do with it (loaded question - sell it since there are no more babies to be made?) and he said stick it in the attic. So yes, we'll stick it in the attic. For now.
What kind of fighter are you? The silent treatment? The screamer? The avoider?
17 hours ago