Blue

Whew. What a freaking week. What a month, what a fall, what a year.

I didn't weigh myself today - I've been eating a lot lately and not exercising. I definitely have the blues - not the panicked oh my god franticness of much of the fall. Just settling in now for the long winter of discontent. I couldn't face a higher number on the scale. I know I'll feel better if I start exercising and taking better care of myself, but with the shitstorm that is my life, it's just not been something I could will myself to do these past two weeks.

First, the good news. I resigned today! Finally, finally this week I got the final contract, I signed on Tuesday and they signed on Thursday. Everyone has reacted rather well here (so far), so I am hoping for a peaceful two weeks of handing things off and packing up, though I am hoping to not be here much of next week. I am nervous about the new job. There are so many unknowns! I don't even know where I am going to start. The only bad part is that since I will be paid on contract, I won't start realizing new money until 30 days after I start. That's ok from a financial viewpoint - in general, my husband and I budget trying to pay living expenses off his salary and extras off mine, and we have some savings, but one of the nice things about taking a new job and getting a 50% raise should be a nice little splurge for myself, right? It'll be delayed, but dadgummit, I want a splurge. Maybe an inexpensive piece of art, or some long delayed project on the house. It would actually make me feel better to have the house come together more.

Then, the rest of my life. My husband is actually being strong with his family - stronger than I am. We're not going to visit them if this is the way they're going to act. I "feel badly" though. Your family shouldn't treat you like crap. He even said today that he wasn't going to let his mom just gloss this over - that real change was going to have to come in his family. That might be a little overly ambitious! I've read many of your blogs, and heard stories of horrible things family can do, and it's so outside my realm of experience, I have a hard time understanding. My family isn't perfect, but lordy. We all respect each other as people and treat each other accordingly, with the baseline assumption we're all doing the best we can. In women's magazines the experts say set boundaries and reign in the crazy, but in reality, if the person you are dealing with is crazy, what type of boundary can you set? I guess that's how it spirals out of control, until you are forced to cut off all contact. I hate this, though. This level of crazy this year is too much to take.

We had an extra counseling session. The joint counselor feels I show too much anger in those sessions, and so they aren't productive. It's true, I save up my anger for there. I don't know how to release it outside of a safe place like the session. Bottom line, it's not entirely working for me. I also saw my counselor, and they both suggested we meet next all 4 together - my husband, me, joint counselor (who is also husband's counselor) and my counselor. So that's scheduled after the new year.

Not sure what the hell we are going to do for Christmas itself. My parents made it to town, and are at my brothers. I have NO christmas shopping done. None. Nor do I really feel like doing any, but in this case I will feel better if I just suck it up and think of the recipients. Just cause my life sucks doesn't mean my sister shouldn't get a nice gift. My husband and I were talking about going away to a resort for a couple of days. But maybe we should stay home, finish shopping, just be home all together as a family. I don't know.

Ugh, I am going nowhere with this post. No point, no thread to tie it all together, no thought of what it means or where things are going. I'm just blue today. I think PMS, and honestly, that makes me saddest of all. Why the hell am I experiencing regular 28 day cycles, with wicked PMS, with no ovulation since July?