counseled out

Monday afternoon, and I am worn out after back to back counseling sessions. First me alone, then couples.

We didn't really have any breakthrough in the couples session, nor in my session. In some ways just touching base.

We went to a Christmas play last night, with our daughter, and it wasn't great. My husband did not enjoy himself. I thought it was because he was tired, and our daughter was really acting up (so much so we had to leave early). He said today the play was all about holiday spirit, and he just didn't feel it.

I also learned he's still pretty much in the feeling nothing for me stage. I was talking about how I had learned Saturday night that it wasn't me, he was so upset with himself, and that was the source of much of his unhappiness. At one point he clarified - he wasn't unhappy with me, but he wasn't happy with me either. I wish there was a way to get through this stage more quickly.

We ran out of time in the session, but I think he was going to being up his New Year's plans. Time was very short, and I just did not want to get into it, and we didn't. He'll have his own session this week, and we'll have a joint session next week, and see where we are then.

Niobe has once again left a very perceptive comment on my last post. Argh, cannot figure out how to link to comments (anyone? I am slowly learning html/blogger, and one of these days I'm going to ask readers to help me figure out a few things that bug me, like how you link to comments!).

Anyway, we talked briefly about his job, and how he is probably going to have to leave. I said in the session this woman is going to have to grow up and suck it up. I'm not sure why I'm not completely and quickly agreeing he needs to leave his job. I do not think she would sue - I asked him Saturday night what could be her motivation for keeping the affair quiet and he replied, "humiliation." And I can definitely see that. But still, I am surprised I don't want him out of there ASAP. Partially I know how important this job is to him, and how much he enjoys it. We also live in a city, and the commute is not bad, we have ownership stake in the company - a whole hosts of reasons, some good some of the oh well variety. And hell, let me admit it, part of me wants to meet this woman. Part of me wants to be the "winner" and attend the holiday party (ugh, though not this year, not unless and until he's really happy being with me). And part of me doesn't want him to assume all the responsibility.

But, given how tenuous our marriage is right now, I should be pushing him out the door. Fresh start, new people, stable environment. Away from his best friend at the company, who I know is a cheater, though his infidelities take the form of random one night stands on travel. (oh, yeah, and this is the guy he's going away for New Year's with. Great.)

What a mess.

We did talk about holiday plans briefly. Mostly about my husband facing my family, and which activities we wanted to do. Nothing really resolved. It's all going to be tough. And we didn't talk at all about how much time we might spend with his family.

I leave tomorrow for my trip, and I am so glad to be getting out of town. I need a break. We all need a break.

(ps. But at least we got SLEEP! Yes!! Daughter slept until 7:15 this morning. Praise and glory hallelujah. I could not face another pre-6am wake up call).