Sunday, December 2, 2007

waves

I had been feeling stronger at the end of last week. Not sure why, just I guess that life comes in waves, with troughs and crests.

I'm badly in a trough right now.

It's just hit me - life with me is so bad, he is willing to be a part-time father to our daughter. To miss special moments and day-to-day life. To destroy her sense of trust and security in the world that comes from being raised in a two-parent household. To increase her risk of getting divorced herself.

That's how bad life is with me.

5 comments:

Lisse said...

Dear,

I've read your blog from beginning to end, I don't even know how I got here, but I have become enthralled with your story. I am commenting to tell you something that may not have occurred to you yet, but might help to hear.

This is a LOT less about you than it is about him. He is the one who cheated, not once, but twice, if I read you right. He is the one unwilling to work on it. He is the one who was irresponsible enough to use difficult but workable issues as an excuse to stray.

Try to work out an amicable divorce and custody arrangement if you can, but show your daughter the strong woman who did not allow herself to be mistreated by a weak man.

-Lisse

meg said...

You are right about the waves, I have that too.

I just hate reading this, that you feel that it's so bad with you that he wants to leave. I also think it has so much more to do with him, than you. But mostly, it just makes me sad to think of you hurting so much. I wish I could do something, but I know all too well, that there's nothing we can do but tell you that we're here and we're reading. I hope tomorrow feels better for you. Day by day.

Am I doing okay? said...

I agree with Lisse! While I was reading your post, the voice inside my head was screaming IT'S NOT YOU! Life isn't so bad w/ you, I can completely guarantee that!

And divorce is a crap shoot. Turn it around. Your thinking. I'm thinking Forest Gump....it's a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. And the next time you reach in into that box, I bet you get something a whole lot better!

The Scarlet D said...

I don't think Lisse could have said it any better. The entire time I read your post I was about to scream, "But this isn't about you - not being enough this or that! It's about him! It's HIS stuff! Qut blaming yourself!" Yet I wouldn't be honest if I didn't tell you that those exact same thoughts run through my own head quite frequently these days, so I guess I'm quite the hypocrite.

niobe said...

Listen to what everyone else is saying. Really listen and try and make yourself believe it. Because, you know what? It's absolutely true.