I left my heart

I left my heart at home, but my body is here in California, at a conference. My last trip for this job. It's hard not to want to say goodbye to people I probably won't ever see again. When I get back on Monday, I'll sign the contract and resign, so best to just keep it to myself for another few days.

It's good to be out of town. My husband misses me, he says. He's also been more open over the phone. Thing is, I'm just not so sure it matters. I'm having hard time thinking what's the point. How in the world am I supposed to put things together with a guy who's cheated TWICE, and who made it expressly clear that ever since we've been dating he's thought he could do better?

Let's catch up. So, on Monday, we had the counseling sessions. Husband makes it clear he's not unhappy to be home, but also not happy, either.

We drove separately. I can't stand to be in the car with him driving there and back anymore. We've had some rough times in the car commuting to counseling.

So I drove into work and parked in the garage at my work. While we have two cars, we only have one car seat, so the plan was I'd drive "his car" to the airport and he'd have "my car" this week. I noticed the car didn't have much gas. So in addition to leaving work early as I always do to relieve the nanny, I left work extra early so I could stop and get gas. We talked, as we usually do, near the end of the day and he said he'd be home before dinner. Of course, he called after dinner, and said he had to work late and was on his way home. When he got home, he said, oh, sorry, the car gauge says there's only 30 miles left. You'll have to stop for gas on the way to airport tomorrow.

What. The. Fuck. Does that sum up our relationship, or what? I leave work early, fill up the car, just so he won't have to worry about it if he takes our daughter anyplace. I have a first thing in the morning flight, a 30 mile drive to the airport, and he can't be bothered to put in any gas at all.

After our daughter goes to bed, I take the car and get extra gas. So now I've put gas in both cars. When I get home he says, I'm really sorry. I just explode. Not only about this, but I bring up last Friday night - my night out, the night he works late and makes me late to my one night out a month. The night I go out with my mom's group - not like his nights out with the cheating crowd. I say, I'm just so tired of being....last. What I should have said was I'm just so tired of being disappointed. I'm just constantly disappointed in/with him.

I go to bed mad, I get up mad, I leave the house in the morning mad. Kiss our daughter, say bye cat, bye dog, bye husband and walk out.

I spent a lot of time thinking on the plane and during the day. I need to remember that this isn't an automatic he's happy to be with me. He's still thinking it all through. Maybe my expectations are too high. I need to stand on my own, and not expect anything from him. When I do expect something, I'm always disappointed. Maybe if I expect nothing I'll be pleasantly surprised. Better to reframe and not be disappointed?

I called at dinner time, as we usually do when either of us is traveling. I thought a lot about just asking to talk to our daughter and not even spending any time talking with him, but I can't do it. We're talking, tentatively, about my plans and the trip and he says, so your plane got in early?

I say yeah, actually, it did. Um, how did you know?

Him: I checked online and saw it was early.

Me: oh. OK.

H: I hate the way we left things. I hate that you left mad. I'm really sorry.

M: No, I need to lower my expectations. I need to not expect things from you when you can't give them.

H: No! I need to try harder. I need to give you what you need. I need to think of you.

So. Wow. a little breakthrough. He says the house feels empty without me there. That he and daughter are having a good time, but that he misses me.

So that was Tuesday. This is already long, and I'm late for a meeting, so I'll do part II - where it all crashes down - later. Stay tuned.