Do you know the way?

I'm running out of CA songs after two, so good thing I am going home tomorrow.

The thing is I don't know the way. I don't know what way I want to go, or where I want to go, or which way I'm going.

Am I doing OK? asked if my husband was checking this blog. He knows about it - he found it just after our really disastrous weekend, when I found out (via text message) that he hadn't stopped the affair. He read it through at that point, but I am fairly certain he's not read it since. There are some things I've left out of blogging, just in case he was checking. If it were me, I'd be checking. I almost feel like the fact he does'nt check says more about how he feels about me than anything else.

Anyway, time to update the latest. So, when I left off, things were actually good. We had a good conversation Tuesday night and I thought he was missing me and really thinking about me.

Wednesday morning I got a text from him asking me to call. He had an individual session Wednesday, and I had been curious how it went, but determined I wasn't going to ask him. With his text invite, I made the call. Our counselor also sponsors a support group for couples who have lost babies like we did. It's late in the evening, so inconvenient for us with our 2 year old. I went by myself in July. We went together in September. And then all hell broke loose in October. Our counselor suggested my husband go last night, she thought it would be of benefit for him. Turns out, unlike in other groups (or stereotypes), the husbands actually do a lot of talking in this group. This group of men is really open with their feelings and their grief. My husband asks me what I think about his going. What I actually think is this does not strike me as something he needed to talk to me about, but ok, nice of him to ask me. We agree he should go, ask our nanny to stay late, etc. We also talk about our attic project, and he says he'll call the contractor and see if he can start work.

Later in the day I e-mail him and ask if he'd buy a paper from that day, as there's an article I'd like to see. He responds and says yes, and asks a few questions and it's just generally such a "normal" (ie, prior to cheating) e-mail exchange. It's nice. I miss my partner, my friend, my husband. I miss e-mailing him during the day. He tells me he'll be home soon, so I plan to call home when he is there, to talk with our daughter.

So I call, and of course he is not there. I like our nanny, she and I chat, I say good night to our daughter, and hang up the phone, pissed. Of course he didn't leave work when he said he would, of course he isn't home when he said he would be.

About 30 minutes later he calls. He had "gotten hung up at work," (like what else is new) and was mad he only had 10 minutes with our daughter, was now going to be late to the support group, traffic was bad, etc etc. (funny, he had'nt minded not seeing our daughter at all last Thursday night, when he went out drinking after work). He said our nanny had told him I'd called. I was pretty sure this was his CYA call to let me know he had gone home. Even so, we had a good quick talk, and agreed I'd call him later to see how it all went.

So I go to a work function. One of the few things I'm actually doing out here. It's a two hour long reception. I duck out at an hour to call him. We talk a lot about the support group. He said it was good. He tells me who was there, and what people talked about. Our loss was in February. There's a new couple there who suffered their loss only two months ago. He says he said that he feels like he should be further along in his grief than this new couple, and one of the guys told him, hey, you can't put a timeline on grief. He tells me a lot about how he felt like he was the old timer and he should be offering something to the group, showing them how to move forward.

Oh really, I think, but don't say. Are any of the other men contemplating leaving their wives? Having an affair with their junior staffer? Telling their wife that he had totally forgotten the due date, and it hadn't really mattered (that was two counseling sessions ago - we were talking about something that had happened in August and I brought up the due date and he shrugged it off, said he had purposely decided to forget when it was)? I think all those things, but don't say them. Try to listen, try to hear him. He had been insistent that he was totally over the loss. I had said at one point during the affair didn't he realize our troubles were directly tied to the loss? And he had insisted they were not.

Then he tells me that one of the women is doing accupuncture, to deal with her loss and to try to get pregnant again, and he took down the info for me. What the fuck again. Why is he doing/saying this? What is he saying? He knows how much I want(ed) a second child. Is he dangling that out there as possibility? (forgetting that I am 39 and not fucking ovulating.)

I mean, is he just pretending that we've not been through hell the past 7 weeks? That he just ended his affair, that he's probably going to have to leave his job, that he tells me he isn't happy but isn't unhappy being home, trying again, with me? Just pretending everything is back to "normal?"

We finish talking about the session, and talk about my work, a few other things. Suddenly, I don't know why, I say, hey, what ever happened with your company's Christmas party? What did they ever decide to do? (before affair, I had volunteered to organize it for them).

There's a long pause. He says, very awkwardly, they had it already. Just an after work happy hour. Last week.

Oh, I say.

There's a longer pause. So long I think we've been disconnected. Hello?! I say. Yeah. he sighs. I was going to tell you when you got home, but now you've asked, and I can't lie. It was Friday. Last Friday.

FRIDAY. Friday the night I was going out with my friends, when he "worked late" and made me late to my night out (after he had gone out drinking on Thursday night, not even bothering to come home. Friday when I got home the dog had crapped all over the floor, and I had cleaned it up. Friday.

I'm digesting that when he starts in with a note of desperation to his voice. It wasn't any big deal. It wasn't any fun. Hardly anyone was there. Less than half the people were there. It was really lame.

I finally say, Friday. Friday my night out.

And he says, traffic was bad, I went late, I left early, the traffic was just so bad it made me late. It took me an hour and a half to get home.

He had called me Friday night and said he had gotten hung up at work and was on his way home and how sorry he was. FUCKING LIAR. HUNG UP AT WORK. OR, DRINKING WITH HIS TRAMP MISTRESS. Gee, easy to get those confused.

He's told me a lot of lies these past few months. He's been an absolute jerk throughout the pregnancy and loss. He's lied so many times. And this might just be the lie that breaks the proverbial camel's back. I just felt shattered.

I say ok, I've got to go. He starts to say I miss yo...and I just say bye and hang up. Try to hold it together. I'm still at my damn work reception. I gather my coat, people are leaving, I stand with my colleagues for a few, and then just take off. I'm shattered. Just absolutely shattered. Walk back to the hotel just numb.

I woke up at 4 am. Lovely time change. And as I'm waking up, I remember. I had taken his car out on Friday. When I got in the car I thought I smelled beer. Nah, I thought. Couldn't possibly be. He was at work. There was no time for him to stop after work and drink a beer. Just my nose playing tricks on me. See how I BELIEVE him at every opportunity?

So now it's today. Before I started typing, I called to check in. Talk to my daughter, then briefly to him. Asked about the weather. He starts to talk about something and I cut him off. Told him I really just called to talk to her. He says, yeah, I figured that. Says he wants to bring her to the airport, we can go out to dinner. I say no. The airport is far away, I have the car there, I'll just come home. He says she misses me, he misses me.

I want to say, it's possible to tell so many lies that nothing that you ever say is believable. But I'm in the hallway of the conference center.

He says, I want to change. I want to put you first. I want this to be different.

I don't think I said anything.

Seven weeks. I've held it together for 7 weeks. I've insisted that he has to give it a shot. That our daughter's life will be better off if we can come to a new place. Work things out, make our relationship better. It's the right thing to do.

Now, I don't know the way to do that. How many lies can I be expected to take? How much more can I take? What is the right way forward? For our daughter, for me. I think I've reached my limit.