Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Now what?

OK, so the phone call with his mother did not go well. I did end up going to the store, and when I got home he had just hung up with his mother. 90 minutes. No resolution. He did say she offered a counter proposal - we don't go the our niece's birthday party on the 22nd, we come up on the 24th, spend the night the 24th and 25th, leave the 26th. Apparently all that matters to her is that we are in her house all day on the 25th.

So now what? Narcissistic personality disorder, indeed. I should read up on that. Seriously, what are we supposed to do now? Do we accede to her plan? Not go at all? Go to the niece's party but nothing else? How am I supposed to go when she called my family selfish for driving up here to spend time with their heartbroken daughter?

This led to a huge fight with my husband. I was unhappy with the counseling session in the morning, I was unhappy where things were in general, I was unhappy feeling that he had thrown me and my family under the bus in the call with his mother.

I'm not a nice person. The fight ended with me letting my husband know the night I re-discovered his affair, I had sent myself incriminating e-mails from his phone to me. And that if he lied to me again, those were going to the person he hated most on the board of his company, and the one most damaging/humiliating to his girlfriend was going to everyone on staff in the company. I shouldn't have told him. It was too hateful a thing to say, much less to ever do, and while he's let loose some really hateful things, I've tried not to retaliate, to be a bigger person, to be a better person. Or really to be the only decent person in this whole sordid mess. Now I'm sunk to their level.

What I've hated most of all - what I said to him on Friday, and again in the counseling session, is that this right now can't be about moving forward. How can he MAKE UP for the hurt he's caused. It's not enough that he's there.

So, he's back in the spare room. He did keep coming into my room, asked me if I had my anti-anxiety medicine, should I take it, he wanted me to be able to sleep, etc. One visit he said he thought he had known the depths to which he had hurt me and obviously he did not. I finally told him I had taken care of myself just fine without him for 8 weeks, I could handle that night. That ended the visits.

Except of course I woke up sobbing.

We left it this morning with me saying we should try to see our counselor again this week, and he will call and try to set it up.

Things are always better for me when I'm being strong and doing my own thing. Tonight I have dinner with friends, tomorrow night is my office Christmas party and I'll go with my daughter.

Seriously, what's the right thing to do with his mom? With holidays? How do you handle narcissistic personality disorder without getting sucked into the madness? How do you juggle holidays and in-laws when one player is insane? I'm not a monster, and I know he needs time with his family over the holiday, but dear god almighty, how can that possibly happen in a way that helps us/me?


Janette105 said...

That just SUCKS! I'm so sorry that you are going through this, especially at Christmas time. And the Mother-in-law crap just doesn't help at all!!
I don't know how qualified I am to give any kind of advice, but it is my opinion that you should do what is BEST FOR YOU! You have CLEARLY been working through this as best as you possibly can, although frankly I think you deserve MUCH MUCH better. I'm sure your husband has some very fine qualities, but c'mon, 2 affairs and how many other countless lies?! I think you're making the right choice that he remain in the spare room for awhile and give yourself some clarity (and I certainly hope there will be some STD testing happening if it hasn't already). Right now it should be all about you and your daughter. You seem to make a great effort in making sure that he's ok, but tough shit to him and his mother. Sorry to be so harsh, and obviously there are 2 sides to every story, but I don't know his so I'm going to side with you on this. I just can't stress enough that you need to do all you can for you. Be good to yourself NOW!!
Hang in there and I hope your decision works out well. Take care.

niobe said...

I'm not sure I can even follow all the ins and outs of what you're supposed to do for Christmas, but I think you should do whatever you feel most like doing. If you can make a joint decision about it with your husband, great.

If you can't, it might be not such a terrible idea to spend Christmas doing separate things. As you said, things generally go better when you're being strong and doing your own thing.

meg said...

Yikes, the NPD is a tough thing to deal with. My mother could go head to head with your MIL, believe me. And I indulged her SO much over the years. The final straw was, her calling me a serial aborter, to my face, 2 days after my twins died. Yeah, nice one. I had to cut her off. There was so much for me to deal with, that I simply could not deal with her and her insane needs.

I'm not suggesting that you, or your husband, do this. But, I do think you should do whatever is best for YOU, this holiday. If you can stand to go there (on your terms, not hers), then do it to try and keep the peace a little bit.

The key is, talking to him to try and figure out what is the best for the two of you and your daughter. Not what is best for her. It's going to be hard, as whatever you decide (short of doing what she wants 100%), will not be good enough. I feel for you wh. bx., and I feel for your husband. NPD parents really f*ck with your mind, I know.

Anonymous said...

Something tells me you're going to do whatever your husband wants to do. I'm not saying that to be snarky but it seems as if you're not able to stand your ground on much of anything right now. In my opinion, the sensible thing to do is stick with what you originally wanted. Make your MIL one less person you take responsibility for. You'll be doing yourself a huge favor on a lot of levels.

Am I doing okay? said...

Remember when I suggested doing something really nice for yourself? Now might be the time.

I can't believe that you'd leave your parents (I'm presuming a bit) alone at your house to appease your MIL.

I'd go to the birthday party and then come home. You have too much on your plate. Play the new job card. Haven't heard much about that lately. Is it 2x or a 50% increase?

Tell your MIL she can get her way next year. Give her and your husband a ultimatum. If they behave for the next 12 months, then you'll come back next year.