Let me back up. Ok, after the last post, a small group of us went in together on the flowers. Great, perfect. I sent a sympathy card with a heartfelt long message in it.
Coincidentally, someone else recently linked to another's blog post of losing a parent.
So, this morning I sent that link, via e-mail, to my friend with just short note saying I was thinking of her, saw this blog post, made me think of her, and hoped she did'nt mind me sending it.
This afternoon, I got this back:
Thank you for your thoughtfulness in checking in. The blog was veryAaaaahhhhhhh. Panic. I wrote back right away, and said how sorry I was that had happened, how I couldn't believe it, how terrible whoever copied her was, how the e-mails got a little out of control (they did) and started to bother me, frankly (they did - a few on the smug side saying they were doing their own thing given they were so close to this friend).
appropriate, and a lot of things already hit home as I was reading it.
Thank you also for the flowers sent to the funeral home- these were much
I arrived home yesterday and was just checking email. There were several
emails sent to us (or copied to us) that asked/discussed "who wants to
go in on something", etc. and I feel compelled to say that reading those
was very upsetting. I know of course there was no malintent behind it or
offense intended but nevertheless for some reason it is upsetting to
read "about" yourself at a time like this.
And then I investigated my deleted items folder. Hmmm. Not one of the e-mails I saw included her e-mail address. Were there others I was not on? (righteous indignation at my friends closing me out of the loop). Then I checked my sent mail.
In the e-mail my friend's husband sent telling us of the news, he cc'ed a string of people. I hit reply to all, went through the cc's, and deleted anyone not a college friend.
I typed to my friends: Hello college friends, anyone want to go in together on flowers or a group donation?
Because I am an idiot, because the friends were in the cc box, I did not notice who was in the To box. My friend.
The very first person to respond thankfully deleted the friend. She was never cc'ed again, as far as I could tell. I'm the offending, insensitive, terrible friend. ME. It's ME.
Probably compounding the bad situation, I again replied to my friend's e-mail and said, oh shit, it was me, I am so sorry. I also typed I wanted to call but I was on a conference call.
Conference call over.
On the one hand, it was one (not several) innocuous e-mail. On the other hand, my friend is grieving and hurt. I've certainly learned that it is very easy to offend a grieving person. I thought having experienced grief I'd get it right with this friend. Dammit.
I've seen this discussed a lot. You share your grief over infertility or loss and find out someone experienced a loss years and years ago, and can't deal with yours because theirs still hurts. Or can deal with yours because they know what it's like, sort of. My friend doesn't know the hurts I've experienced this past year plus. She only knows she is hurt right now.
I'm trying to decide if I call her, or just back off. I think I have to call.
This is hard.
What would you do?