Monday, October 6, 2008

and the other update

I don't know what it is - I just am full of the blahs lately. No inspiration for writing, no thoughts. Plenty of stuff going on, I'm just feeling disengaged from it all. And I'm still stuck on last weekend.

So last weekend I dealt with more inlaw crap and more job crap. And yep, the other big thing, my marriage crap. Last Saturday, my husband and brother volunteered at a beer tasting, while I watched my daughter and my brother's 6 year old twins. It was a long 8 hours, I tell you, though we had a lot of fun. There were hot football games going on, so my husband and I texted throughout the day, me giving him score updates. We don't text all that much - after his affair I basically refused to text with him, given that was one of his preferred methods of conducting the affair. We were leaving early the next morning for Boston, so despite the availability of beer, he remained mostly sober, while my brother got a little crazier. But on his way home, suddenly out of the blue my husband texts me - can we have sex tonight? A few minutes later - sorry, that was stupid.

It didn't go over well and actually upset me quite a bit. It took me a while to realize why. First, was this a text he would have sent his girlfriend? Second, I spend 8 exhausting hours while 7 months pregnant babysitting so he can go uto and have fun, and then I'm supposed to service him? But ultimately, I realized it was more about romance. What about a text that says I missed you today and am glad we're on our way home? So, needless to say, no sex. And then Boston, with his parents and a perhaps discouraging job interview, and a toddler not sleeping so well in the hotel room.

By the time we got home Monday night I was beyond worn out. Which led to general weepiness as we were getting ready to collapse in bed. I don't remember what kicked it off, but my husband said, once we have a clearer idea of our financial situation, we really have to think about counseling again. After a long pause, I told him I had been seeing a counselor by myself, found a new person who took insurance, and I thought we should go together and had set up an appointment for us gently.

This, I think it's fair to say, shocked my husband. I don't know why I haven't told him before, but I have been three times, so nearly 4 weeks, without mentioning it. He asked me many times why I couldn't bring it up. My only answer is that I was going for myself, and I needed to do things for myself. It's not a good answer, but it's an answer. He also asked if my pressing on his parents came from me or the counselor. That answer is both - my need for something to resolve, helped by the counselor to be put into words.

Somehow, it also led into talking about the money - our money - still held by his old company. I flat out let him know how much it bothered me. How every day he didn't take action was another day he chose his old job, his old girlfriend, over his family. How bitter I was at how much it had cost us, financially and emotionally. And he said he'd handle it. We'll see.

So then these past few days I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness. Do I forgive him? No, I don't. I think partially because I'm not sure he's living up to the other side of the bargain. Don't you have to ask for forgiveness? Show remorse and regret? And mostly we're just going along, pretending there's not this big black hole in our lives. I do think that he has regret and remorse. I think he does not show regret and remorse.

The last time I saw the counselor - two Fridays ago - her take on it was my goal should be to figure out how to stabilize during a stressful time and prep for even more stress of a new baby. But not to open the entire can of worms, because it can't possibly resolve before the baby arrives. I don't disagree. But the status quo is not working for me, right now.

I realized yesterday another 'anniversary' had passed - Oct 4th, his first 'official date.' I knew something was going on that night, but chose to ignore it in the face of everything else going on at that tmie. But it alerted me enough to figure it all out two weeks later.

Blah. I'm just typing without any point now. I've got no big point to tie this all together. Just disgorging my blahs, hoping that will help shake things up enough to get me out of this mood.


Lala said...

I had a feeling I was going to get very angry during labour. That all the things we hadn't dealt with were going to come out and I did get upset but not nearly as much as I thought I would.
I don't forgive, I don't trust, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other waiting for him to screw up I think. I don't have an issue with texting but every so often I find a love note to her or a photo and it kills me. Do I have the right to ask him to throw them away? I don't think he'd agree to that. I'm not sure I can continue to go on.....

Astarte said...

I can understand why you wouldn't have mentioned therapy. Sometimes, it's enough for me to do something on my own, without having to explain and discuss it with other people. You are trying to sort out your emotions about your husband, so I can see how the last thing you want to do is go straight home and discuss it with him! I think it's good that you've been going, but I don't understand why she said that you shouldn't open a new can of worms, because it seems to me that the worms are all already all over the place at your house! You might as well talk about them so they don't multiply.

CLC said...

I hope the blahs settle down. Not sure what else to say here, just know that I am thinking of you. That's a lot of stress to deal with at once. I hope you find an outlet to release it.