Thursday, October 30, 2008

writer's block

Bleah, I've got nothing too interesting to post, or maybe just no energy to post. The results from my 35-week bloodwork came back and my anemia is worsening - hmm, perhaps because I am not taking iron supplements. There are uncomfortable side effects, and I was feeling ok, and I've added red meat into my diet so thought I was ok. But, the iron starts up this week. I got STUFF to do and need motivation.

But, at least one writer's block has thawed. We (mostly my husband with limited input from me) wrote the letter to my-laws last night, and I think my husband is e-mailing it today. Here's the text:

Dear Mom & Dad,

It’s unfortunate that we’ve not really talked or seen one another for the past 10 months. A lot has happened. We wanted to write to you not to rehash the past but to explain what we’d like to do to move forward as a family.

Our chief concern is [daughter] and making sure that she is not inappropriately involved in disagreements between us. We will have disagreements in the future, and that’s OK. Hopefully, we can resolve them in a civil manner between us as adults and not involve any of the grandchildren. In the heat of the moment, statements like “I’m no longer her grandparent” are extremely hurtful, and acting like it is simply inexcusable and unacceptable. She is a gentle child who adores all of her grandparents. She will always be your grandchild, and we know you adore her as much as we do. As her parents, we will not put her in a situation where she could be directly or indirectly hurt or confused.

Our other main concern is showing respect for the decisions we make as a family. We have never intended to hurt or slight you in any way. Of course, you are free to disagree with decisions we make, and we appreciate your advice and counsel when offered with “no strings attached.” We need to be able to have disagreements in a civil, rational, constructive way and work together to develop a common understanding of whatever situation we are facing. This means changing our behavior as individuals and changing the way we interact with one another as a family.

Lastly, we need you to understand that 2007 was an incredibly difficult year for us. We are still working to strengthen our family. We want you to be a part of our lives. We need your understanding and your support. We want you to spend as much time as practicable with your granddaughter. For that to happen, we need to come together and agree to work on the aspects of our relationship that we expressed above. And to address the concerns that you have as well.

We love you both. And we look forward to being a richer and stronger family.



Wow. We'll see what this brings us. Probably nothing good. But trust me, you'll be the first to hear.

* ETA - Meg in her comment brings up the really important point - no, they still don't know about the pregnancy. The plan is send the letter, talk on the phone, tell them then. My husband was going to tell them in person, but after many discussions, we decided phone was best. First, he was going to take time off work - time he doesn't really have and that we'd rather spend when the baby arrives. Second, one of the hassles about his parents is their demand to rehash, over and over, and "negotiate." Well, negotiate what? Why not talk on the phone, when it can be more controlled, and if it gets out of hand, husband can say, ok, well, this not going well, let's talk again when you're calmer, I'm going to hang up now. (the general advice for disengaging with people who are trying to control you - refusing to let yourself be controlled). So, I actually suggested this morning he edit the letter to include a specific reference to talking on the phone.

I said to my husband, your mother is going to throw a fit over not knowing about this pregnancy before now. I hadn't really considered her reaction, but yeah. We're 3.5 weeks out. Not a lot of time to adjust to the news. But, that was their choice. Somehow they'll deal.


Meg said...

Have you told them that you're pregnant yet?

Which Box said...

Oooh, no, good point. Let me edit the post.

CLC said...

That's a very mature letter and non-threatening. I hope their response is equally mature. Good luck.

Molly said...

Good luck! Wondering how they (she) will react...

niobe said...

I really like the letter. But (because I always focus on myself), I can't imagine sending that kind of letter to any of my parents. Because I know how they'd respond and it wouldn't be good.

On the other hand, I'm sure that my relatives who I haven't told about the pregnancy won't care at all that I didn't mention it before.

mama-2-4 said...

Good letter and good plan.

Anonymous said...

Do you know for a fact that your husband's brother hasn't said anything? I guess I just wouldn't be surprised if they already knew. But then again, are they the type that would've called you guys to ask why you didn't tell them? drama. Sucks, huh? Trust me...I know.

And more excited for you guys. Can't wait for baby news! Hang in there!