Thursday, October 16, 2008

Counseling makes me sad

The few times I've mentioned counseling, people have commented that it's such a good thing, and they feel better after. Hmm. I may be exaggerating looking back at some comments. I don't know, I guess I think of counseling is something that is supposed to help you feel better, not worse. But maybe like Niobe said, the things that are the most troublesome are the things I least want to talk about.

I just leave each session so sad. Whether it's a joint session or my own, I always leave feeling more burdened than when I started. Why is that? Will it get better? Do I have to let all that sadness out? My husband and I really do not talk about our relationship much. So this was the first time in a long time it was out there. And I just cried the whole time. The hurt is so deep, I can't even describe it. I don't know how to "get over it" or "forgive," or anything like that. Hell, the ignore it strategy and just let time lessen the pain might actually be the best option. I don't know.

We left with me still just too teary, so we stopped and took a break at a coffee shop. I had mentioned during the session that I just so felt my husband wanted to ignore everything. My example was that a few days prior I had gotten an e-mail from one of my friends - our husbands had spent some time together at a party recently. And in the midst of a longer e-mail, my friend wrote, oh, by the way, my husband really enjoyed getting to know your husband. I want to ask her, but I interpreted this along the lines of despite preconceived notions about my husband, friend's husband was pleasantly surprised he actually seemed like an ok guy. My husband said, well, he thought it had just meant the other guy was a tad shy, kept to himself, and enjoyed talking to another guy for once at a get together.

And so later, at coffee, I said see? What I don't get about you is that everything, and I mean everything, we do I view through the lens of infidelity. And you just don't. It's why it was a good thing - I think - for me to say to my husband this weekend that no, I wasn't just tired (what I usually say), but it was hard to be there given everything that happened last year. So, I guess that's progress?

I just don't know. I have a solo session tomorrow. They just leave me so wiped out. When do you start to feel better in therapy? When it really works, how does that feel?


Antigone said...

We never made it to therapy. If we had, I can't imagine how hard it would have been. It was always just easier not to talk about it.

Ya Chun said...

I always had a lot of stress, anxiety and sadness leading UP to the therapy appointment - I attributed it to the fact that I was going to have to delve up emotions and deal with them...stick with it and see...

k@lakly said...

I think part of the process is the letting out of all of this that you carry around inside, alone. It's to let him see the world through your lens. The whole men are from mars thing, they really do not equate emotions to circumstance like we do. They take everything so much more literally. Getting to apoint where you both can understand how the other thinks can be a really good.
I'm with Ya Chun. stick with it and see...

Astarte said...

I read an article on just this past week on how it turns out that therapy *isn't* the best thing for some people, and actually makes the situation worse for those who react badly to it. Maybe you're one of those people. Do you feel like therapy is holding you back and making you stagnate in your pain rather than helping you look towards the future? If so, it might be time to stop, or at least try and change course.

I went to therapy not for my relationship with DH, but for problems I was having stemming from abuse I dealt with as a child. I did in fact make a breakthrough, when my therapist said to me that as far as my father went (he had abandoned me when I was 3), I should probably either try to find him or forget about him. I found him, asked some questions, and later decided that a relationship with him wasn't for me, but it was the *action* that helped, the feeling of taking control of my future, as well as the knowledge that I gained. I think the whole point of therapy is learning how to move on, and if your sessions aren't helping you move towards that, then maybe there's a problem. I mean, you already know how you feel, it's moving on that's the issue.

Is there some kind of infidelity support group anywhere? Maybe that would help you more than the one-on-one things, if you could see other couples and how they dealt with it.

CLC said...

Maybe astarte is right. Sometimes I feel better afterwards, sometimes I don't. But that said, most times I think I don't need it because my *only* problem is my grief. And how can anyone talk you out of that?

Maybe a support group is a better idea. I dunno. I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

Tash said...

I'm sorry I'm way, way late to this post. I've often had a session where I feel afterwards like I need to go somewhere and unpack what just happened in the office. Therapy for my therapy. It used to make me v. sad too -- I had to basically write off the rest of the day after the appointment. I haven't had one of those for a while though, but you're kinda starting afresh with the topic again, so I could see where it would be tough going for a few. It's actually one reason I started blogging -- to try and better state whateverthehell I was trying to say in that room.


On a lighter note: hit you with some blogbling and a meme! woot!