The few times I've mentioned counseling, people have commented that it's such a good thing, and they feel better after. Hmm. I may be exaggerating looking back at some comments. I don't know, I guess I think of counseling is something that is supposed to help you feel better, not worse. But maybe like Niobe said, the things that are the most troublesome are the things I least want to talk about.
I just leave each session so sad. Whether it's a joint session or my own, I always leave feeling more burdened than when I started. Why is that? Will it get better? Do I have to let all that sadness out? My husband and I really do not talk about our relationship much. So this was the first time in a long time it was out there. And I just cried the whole time. The hurt is so deep, I can't even describe it. I don't know how to "get over it" or "forgive," or anything like that. Hell, the ignore it strategy and just let time lessen the pain might actually be the best option. I don't know.
We left with me still just too teary, so we stopped and took a break at a coffee shop. I had mentioned during the session that I just so felt my husband wanted to ignore everything. My example was that a few days prior I had gotten an e-mail from one of my friends - our husbands had spent some time together at a party recently. And in the midst of a longer e-mail, my friend wrote, oh, by the way, my husband really enjoyed getting to know your husband. I want to ask her, but I interpreted this along the lines of despite preconceived notions about my husband, friend's husband was pleasantly surprised he actually seemed like an ok guy. My husband said, well, he thought it had just meant the other guy was a tad shy, kept to himself, and enjoyed talking to another guy for once at a get together.
And so later, at coffee, I said see? What I don't get about you is that everything, and I mean everything, we do I view through the lens of infidelity. And you just don't. It's why it was a good thing - I think - for me to say to my husband this weekend that no, I wasn't just tired (what I usually say), but it was hard to be there given everything that happened last year. So, I guess that's progress?
I just don't know. I have a solo session tomorrow. They just leave me so wiped out. When do you start to feel better in therapy? When it really works, how does that feel?
2 days ago