fear

Fear is a powerful thing. It eats at you, working its way into each cell of your body.

I am full of fear right now.

I had a great job interview today. It went really, really well. Until, somehow, near the end I mentioned I had a child. And they mentioned traveling. And it suddenly turned into a long discussion of how much travel I was willing to do, and how much travel this job might take. Weekly travel for a year? Maybe. I admitted it concerned me. I said I had turned down a boring solid, stable job last week, that I was attracted to more exciting, more demanding jobs. But still……I can’t travel weekly, obviously. If things are to work out with my husband, that’s too much time away. If things don’t work out, that’s too much time away from my newly abandoned daughter.

I’m not scared about the job. I can turn this one down, too, and something will come along. I’m getting closer, I know it.

I’m scared because my husband was more distant over the phone the past 24 hours. Last night when I talked to him he told me that our counselor had said things were TOO volatile between us right now for drastic action. He should not move out at this point. That was good. Later in our conversation, I said something like, I’ve just been nervous all day. Maybe you’re meeting with our counselor because things really are over for you, and you need her help to screw up your courage to tell me. Or maybe you’re just confused, and need her to help you sort out what you want. He just sighed, and I thought, oh shit. Then he said, can we just talk about it tomorrow, when you are home? And I thought, oh, god, no. But of course agreed.

His brother called him last night, and DH told me today the brother had said, just be really clear about what you want. I said I didn’t think he was clear, and he said he wasn’t.

We’ve talked a handful of times today, me relaying the interview stuff, talking to my daughter when she woke up from her nap, me telling him about my troubles getting home with bad flights canceled, etc. I’ve felt he’s been distant.

He took our daughter into his work today, had lunch with some co-workers. He later told me she was in a meeting all day, so it was ok. He respected my wish for him not to share our daughter with her.

We talked briefly at one point about this coming weekend – I said I guess your family isn’t coming to the football weekend, right, given what is up with your dad. He said no. I said I’d like to go, and he said let’s talk about it when you get home. Oh god.

I sent him an e-mail from the airport that laid many of the things I’ve been typing here out. I just needed to put it out there.

I called him before boarding, and told him how delayed I was. He said he’d be asleep by the time I got home. I hesitated, and asked where he’d be sleeping. He said our bed, which is good.

He then said he had an appointment to talk with our counselor tomorrow morning, and wanted to be out of the house before taking the call. We have a nanny, he said he didn’t want to tell her what was going on. I said I was glad he was talking with the counselor again, and he said yes, she had appeared glad he had called to make the phone appointment (she’s on travel). I said, so just more talking things through? And he replied, yes, if this is the path I want to follow, how to go about it. I said, this? And he said moving out.

Oh god, no.

I kept it light. OK, sounds good, see you tonight, we’ll talk tomorrow. But inside I’m breaking again.

The ups and downs are just too extreme. I’m positive he can’t give up his powerful attraction to this girl. I know he’s hurt by the troubles in our marriage. I’ve hammered him and hammered him that he OWES it to me, and our daughter, to try. To give us a second shot.

But with this other person there, how can he. He doesn’t want to, I fear.

I want. So many things. I want to go to this football weekend. I want to go to dinner together at a friend’s house next weekend. I want to travel together to see my dad. I want to go away for a weekend together someplace fun. I want to immerse myself in him, and TRY. He wants to sleep with his 25-year old direct report.

What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to react? What is my course of action?

I called HR at my work today. I confirmed our discussion was confidential, and then learned I’d probably be eligible to apply for Family Leave, if my counselor will sign paperwork that says I need some time at home. Unpaid time, of course. I just don’t know how good I will be at work these days. I need to be strong for my daughter. She knows something is up. At 2, I can tell my sweet, sensitive girl is worried about me (when she’s not being a typical 2-year old!). I can’t put this burden on her, and force her to grow up faster than she should. I have to keep it together. And I don’t know how.

My first counseling session is Thursday. Maybe that will help.

An hour and a half til we land. I’ve already had one small bottle of whiskey, just trying to take the edge of panic off.