not sleeping

It's 3:44 am as I start this, and I am, as my title so cleverly says, not sleeping. I am a good sleeper. I can always sleep, anytime, anywhere. Why not tonight? Perhaps it has something to do with my husband. I figured out on Saturday night that he was having an affair. His second in our 8 year marriage. Tomorrow morning we're off to our marriage counselor.

He wants out. We have a 2 year old. I cannot believe he is actively trying to leave this marriage, what he's prepared to do to our daughter.

The thing is, he has legitimate gripes about our marriage. It's not terrible, but it's been tested in ways that have been oh so unfair this past year. Too many pressures. I've not been a good steward, and I've not looked out for his needs. Oh, but that's so never an excuse for cheating. We've moved from a place where he could have been legitimately griping about our marriage and we could have been working on it together to a place where he is perpetuating a huge wrong. With his 25-year old direct report. He of course insists it's not been physical, just emotional. I'm not sure I believe him, given that they were traveling together last week.

So now I sit in my living room, thinking about checking his cell phone for more incriminating evidence at 3:50 in the morning. That's how I discovered it - they are text message addicts. He's an idiot. I mean seriously.

OK, boy, writing is hard. This is why I haven't blogged yet. How do I convey my anguish, my fear, and my loathing in mere words? I walk around sick to my stomach. We agreed that we needed to try to get back on track - spend more time togther, be more loving, rediscover each other. We've not done that for far too long, and it's cost us. And yet, at the same time, I look at him, at his sleeping form next to mine, and all I can feel is hate. How dare he. Who does he think he is? I force myself to put my arm around him and bile rises in my throat.

And so I sit, at now 3:54 in the morning, and I type. And I feel the pull of the cell phone. A middle of the night snoop. I hate this.